by Sian Ceinwen
“I’m dropping the ground rule for tonight—the one about sleeping with randoms when I’m in town. You’ll have to take them to a hotel, though, because I draw the line at being in the same apartment. Unless you want me to go to a hotel instead.”
Sebastian inhaled sharply, let go of her face, and moved away from her. “Really, princess?”
“Yes.” She looked away from him.
“I tell you I’m in love with you, and your response is to basically tell me to fuck someone else?” His tone was cold.
“Yes.”
“Maybe I’m not the only one who needs therapy, Lolita,” he said.
“What do you want me to say?” Lolita could feel tears starting to fall.
“I don’t know, most people go with, ‘I love you, too,’ don’t they?” He shrugged.
Lita hated this so much. He’d told her about Heather; now she basically had to tell him the same thing, except it was worse. There was no Harrison for Lita. It was Sebastian himself that was the issue. ‘It’s not me; it’s you.’ She didn’t want to do this, but she always wanted to be honest with him.
“You know I love you, I do. What I feel for you is more than I’ve ever felt for anyone, but I don’t want to change you. I don’t want you to resent me. What we have is amazing and beautiful and uncomplicated, all while being incredibly complicated. We’ve actually made it work.
“It works because I closed myself off to a romantic relationship with you when we started this. I closed that door because it meant when people asked me why I was okay with you sleeping with other women, I could truly be okay with it. I closed that door because I didn’t want to be jealous when I saw you with other women. I closed that door because I wanted to enjoy the time we do spend together.”
The tears were falling freely now, as Lita wondered just how badly she was breaking the man in front of her.
“I told you at Galena I was trying to find my place, and it constantly feels like the goalposts are being moved on me. I settled for fuck buddies. You told me we weren’t fuck buddies. I settled for friends, co-parents who love each other. Now, you’re telling me you’re in love with me. It’s too much. I still have my life in Seattle. You still have your life in Chicago. I don’t want a long-distance relationship. What I want is a man who wants me and only me—a man who is in my bed every night and every morning. I’ve accepted everything you’ve offered me, Sebastian, but I can’t accept this. We want different things.”
“You haven’t even asked me what I want,” Sebastian said quietly.
Lita sighed; she knew what his answer would be. He’d already told her, she realized. He wanted her. She’d thought he’d meant for sex because he’d specifically said he didn’t want a girlfriend, fiancée, or wife—just her.
She had to ask, though. “What do you want, Sebastian?”
“You, Lita. I want you.”
Lita shook her head. Sebastian was used to a life where he got everything he wanted. Every whim he ever had was fulfilled, but she didn’t want to be a whim for the man she would spend the rest of her life with, and she didn’t think Sebastian had truly thought this through.
“That doesn’t answer my question, Seb. We have two very different lives in different cities. What are you expecting? That I’ll move to Chicago all of a sudden? Or are you going to move to Seattle? What do you really think will happen here?”
There was silence as Sebastian’s jaw set, and he replied, “I told you, Lita. I want you. If it means moving to Seattle, I guess I will.”
Lita shook her head. She was right; he hadn’t thought through the practicalities of what he was suggesting. In some alternate reality, maybe they could be together, and even though it hurt to tell him, Lita knew she had to be honest. She was simply incapable of loving him. She was terrified their entire friendship was about to be broken, but he needed to know the truth.
“I’m sorry, Seb. I can’t love you the way you want me to. We probably shouldn’t sleep together anymore, either. I wouldn’t feel right. Not if you’re really in love with me. It’s not fair to you. So, if you want to take me up on my offer of dropping the ground rule tonight, feel free. Just not in the same place as I am, okay?” She felt like she kind of had no right to even ask that of him, but she did anyway.
Sebastian didn’t respond to her speech. He simply stood up from where he’d been sitting and moved over to one of the single armchairs on the other side of the plane. Lita knew she was right—none of what she’d said was new to her. It was a conclusion she’d drawn months ago, so why did it feel so completely and utterly shit right now?
They were silent for the rest of the plane ride, and sat separately. Lita missed him; she wanted him to sit next to her again and cuddle. She also knew that wasn’t fair; there would be no more of that. It would be selfish to continue their sexual relationship, taking what she needed from him, but not giving him back what he needed from her.
When they reached his apartment, he wheeled their luggage inside, then stopped at the hallway to the rooms and spoke to her for the first time since the plane, “I assume I’m taking your luggage to one of the spare rooms?”
Lita swallowed heavily and nodded, unable to form any words. She followed him to a room that wasn’t as big as his own but still had its own attached bathroom and walk-in closet. She showered and put on fresh clothes, then just sat on the bed in the empty room, missing Sebastian. She sent Becky a text.
Sebastian told me he’s in love with me.
The response was swift.
Oh my god! I knew it! What did you say?
Cool story, bro. Needs more dragons.
What the fuck?! You did not!
Lita laughed bitterly. Yeah, it was a dick move. She felt terrible and wished she could take her response back.
Yeah, I did. I panicked. Seb is awesome, but it’s not like that for us.
Her phone started ringing, and as soon as she picked it up, Becky said, “What do you mean, ‘it’s not like that for us,’ didn’t he literally tell you it’s like that for you?”
“Come on, Becky, you saw the timeline of women on Reddit. Sebastian is not the man for me.” Lita sighed.
“I thought you didn’t give a shit how many women he slept with?” Lita could practically see Becky rolling her eyes. “Because he hasn’t broken any promises to you.”
“Yes, exactly. I didn’t make him promise to stop sleeping with other women. I never would. I told him I was lifting the ground rule, and he can fuck someone else tonight, as long as he doesn’t do it here in the apartment,” Lita said.
Becky gasped, “What the fuck? Why would you do that, Lita?”
“Because he’s not in love with me, Becky. He can’t be. Even if he is, then I’m not in love with him, and it’s not right for me to keep sleeping with him. So, no sex at all? As if Sebastian can survive like that.” Lita laughed bitterly.
“Bitch, you need to rethink this shit. Hard. You’re fucking in love with Sebastian Fox, and he’s told you he’s in love with you,” Becky said sternly. “Now you’re sending him out to have sex with someone else?”
“I’m not in love with Sebastian. I do love him, though. So fucking much it hurts, actually. It hurts because we live in separate cities. It hurts because I’ve been cheated on before. Like, what is his idea? I’m not doing long-distance, especially not with Sebastian Fox. Why would I? So I can sit in Seattle with his kid, wondering if he’s sleeping with someone else. I told him months ago I’m not built for that.” Lita sighed.
“Is that what he said he wants?” Becky asked.
“No, he said he would move to Seattle, and I didn’t ask him if he wants to keep sleeping with other women.”
“Wait, he said he would move to Seattle for you?”
She could tell Becky was romanticizing all of this in her head.
Lita sighed again. “You didn’t hear the way he said it. It was obvious he hadn’t thought any of it through and was just saying whatever he thought I wanted to hear. I meant it
when I said I don’t want that kind of relationship with Sebastian, though. He’s not the kind of man to settle down with one woman.”
“Look, I was horrified by that Reddit thread, as you know. But I’m not a hundred percent sure you’re right about that. I mean, he’s been staying with you in Seattle and not sleeping with anyone else,” Becky said.
“Yes, for a week, and I’ve been giving him sex. What happens when I don’t feel like it, or I’m too tired because I have a newborn baby? I didn’t like the person I became after Nick cheated on me; I’m not going through that again. I don’t want to try and change Sebastian Fox, and I don’t want him to resent me if he does. Can you really see him in a committed relationship?” Lita asked.
Becky groaned, “Yeah, I kind of can, and you’re the dumbest smart person I know, Lita. Uncomfortable conversations are basically where you live, so go talk to him and ask him if he actually wants to sleep with other women. I know what you’re saying, but I think you’re as much in love with him as he is with you. I’ll talk to you later.”
They hung up their call, and Lita sat on the bed for a few minutes, thinking about what Becky had said. Perhaps she’d been unfair in not asking Sebastian about other women. At the very least, they needed to talk and clear the air.
She walked out to the living area. Sebastian didn’t seem to be anywhere around. She didn’t want to intrude in his bedroom, so she waited on the sofa for fifteen minutes. Then she gave in and went to his bedroom and knocked on the door. No answer.
Lita frowned, then went back out to the living area, her heart pounding. She walked to the entrance and saw Ben sitting there alone.
“Hey, Ben. Has, um, Sebastian left or something?” She chewed her bottom lip.
“Yes, Miss Ciccone,” he said, and gave her a kind smile. “Sorry.”
“No worries.”
Well, that was it. He’d gone to take her up on her offer. It was too early for Gabriel’s bachelor party. Lita had fucked up big time. She pulled out her phone and opened a text to Sebastian. Their previous conversations were all there, and she scrolled back through them, laughing at their back and forth. He was so good to her. She texted him two words.
I’m sorry.
If he took her up on her offer tonight, it was no one’s fault but her own. She spent the night watching Netflix. Ben went out and got her some dinner at about eight. She was eating it when two people appeared from the hallway nearby.
Lita was shocked by the unexpected appearance of Heather and Ariana. They were both wearing casual clothes as if they’d been at home and relaxing before they came to see her. Ariana looked nervous, and Heather was glaring at Lita.
“What the fuck did you do?” Heather’s greeting was frosty to say the least.
“I’m sorry?” Lita was confused. “What’s happened?”
“Sebastian.” Heather strode across the room to stand near where Lita sat at the table, eating her food, and she put her hands on her hips as she demanded, “What did you do to Sebastian?”
Shit. How could she possibly explain what had happened? She needed to talk to him about it, not Heather. Lita went with the truth, as always.
“I fucked up, big time. Why are you asking? What’s he done?” Lita chewed her bottom lip.
“He’s shown up at Gabriel’s bachelor party absolutely blind drunk and is telling them all you told him to fuck someone else tonight because you don’t love him. Is that true, Lita?” Heather narrowed her eyes at Lita.
“Well, um, not quite.” Lita sighed. “But, I suppose that’s not entirely untrue.”
Ariana smiled kindly at Lita and held a hand up to Heather to cut off her response. “Why would you do that?”
“Because he told me he’s in love with me,” she told them.
“And you thought the best way to respond to that was to tell him to fuck someone else because you don’t love him?” Heather’s fury was intense, and Lita felt terrible.
“No, Heather, I told him I do love him, but it’s not romantic, and I was lifting our ground rule for the night. He can fuck someone else tonight, even though I’m in town, as long as he doesn’t do it here.
“Then I spoke to Becky, and she told me I’m a fucking idiot and I’m in love with him and I needed to talk to him. She was right; even if I’m not in love with him, we need to talk about what this means. So, I went to talk to him, but he’d already left. Now I’m just sitting here and waiting for him to come home and confirm he’s fucked someone else because I’m a fucking idiot like Becky said.”
There was a heavy silence when Lita finished talking. She pushed the last of her meal aside; she’d lost her appetite. Heather was still glaring at Lita, and it was surprising when Ariana was the next to speak.
“Are you in love with Sebastian?”
Lita leaned back in her chair, placed her hands protectively on her baby bump, and looked down at it, considering the question. “I didn’t think so.”
“Until?” Ariana prompted her.
“Until I realized I’d sent him off to have sex with someone else. Something that, I might add, I have quite happily been doing for two months now. Tonight was the first time I hated the idea of it.” Lita started to cry.
Ariana looked around, found some tissues, and brought them over to Lita. “Have you finished eating?”
When Lita nodded, Ariana took her plate of food to the kitchen, then came back and led Lita over to the sofa. Heather followed behind them, still not saying anything.
“Do you know about Gabriel and me?” Ariana asked her.
“Um, kind of. Seb told me you were with him during Cards Have Been Dealt. Obviously, he wrote Heart Wide Open about you; everyone knows that.” Lita cringed at once again displaying her knowledge of the fandom for them.
“Right. Well, I left Gabriel, even though he’d never done a single thing to warrant it. I had myself convinced I was bad for him. I was about as wrong as I could be. My point is, I can see you have yourself convinced Sebastian can’t be in love with you. As though he’s incapable of that feeling.
“We all see what you don’t see. The guys noticed it from the night you two met. I really think even if you two hadn’t had your accident, he would’ve sought you out again.”
Lita shook her head. “No, you might think that, but he didn’t. It was over a month before I called him to tell him about our baby.”
Ariana smiled. “Yes. A month. For someone like Sebastian, who has literally never opened himself up to the idea of having a relationship with someone, that’s not a long time. I took two years to come back to Gabriel, and if I hadn’t been really good at my job, who knows if we ever would have found each other again.”
“I told you not to hurt him, Lita,” Heather said quietly.
Lita looked at her and wondered if she had any idea. Did she even have a clue Sebastian had ever loved her? It was strange because they certainly cared for each other deeply, and Heather was fiercely protective of him. Lita doubted she would ever find out because Sebastian had trusted Lita with that knowledge. Unless it was something he mentioned to Heather, Lita would take his secret to her grave.
“I’m sorry, Heather. I wasn’t expecting him to ever say that, and it took me by surprise. I reacted poorly. It scared me, and I wanted things to just stay the same, the way I knew they were.” Lita realized it was the same way Sebastian had described his reaction to her the day the condom had broken.
Heather narrowed her eyes at her. “I told you last week Sebastian was in love with you.”
“Yes, and he slept with another woman the same night, Heather,” Lita said dryly.
“I can see how that’s a problem for you, Lita,” Ariana said kindly. “Did he tell you today that he wouldn’t stop sleeping with other women?”
“Well, no. We didn’t talk about whether or not he wants to keep sleeping with other women,” Lita admitted.
Heather snorted.
Lita was shocked by Heather being so cruel to her, so she replied with the only reason
she’d had for thinking that, “Well, he is Sebastian Fox.”
“I’m going to walk away right now because I don’t want to slap a pregnant woman,” Heather said through gritted teeth and walked away from them, toward the elevator.
Lita started crying again, and Ariana moved closer to her on the sofa to give her a hug. Heather had told Lita that she loved her, but clearly, her loyalty would always lie with Sebastian, first and foremost.
“Don’t mind Heather,” Ariana said. “She’s been friends with the guys since they were teens. I won’t lie, it’s been hard to watch Sebastian, even in the time I’ve known him. He acts like he’s happy with the life he has, but there are times when I see it. She’s watched him for a lot longer than that, and she loves him so much. It’s painful to watch someone you’re so close to never really be happy.
“Don’t get me wrong; being in a relationship isn’t the only way to be happy. When I met him, they were on tour, and he just went from city to city and woman to woman. It wasn’t so much the fact he slept with so many women, but that he didn’t seem to have any desire to have an emotional connection with any of them. Just us, I guess.”
Lita smiled at her. “He told me he considers you guys to be his family. That his emotional needs were met by his family, and he’s ‘quite attractive,’ so women were happy to see to his sexual needs.”
Ariana laughed. “That sounds like Seb, all right. You’re the first woman I’ve ever seen him emotionally connect with who wasn’t one of us. Did you know I had no idea you were coming to our wedding until Heather told me she was making you a dress?”
“Are you serious?” Lita was shocked.
“Yes, she is,” Heather said coolly from over by the entrance. “Sebastian asked me to make you a dress and invited you without even telling Gabriel or Ariana he was thinking about doing it. What do you make of that, Lita?”
Lita thought about it. “Well, it was right when he was trying to convince me to move to Chicago so he could keep me safe, and I said no. Then he asked if I’d at least come over next weekend and come to the wedding.”
“He wanted you to move in with him?” Ariana looked shocked.