Candide (Barnes & Noble Classics Series)

by Voltaire

  He was a very handsome young man, round-faced, fair, and fresh-coloured, his eyebrows were finely arched, he had a piercing eye, the tips of his ears were red, his lips vermilion, and he had a bold and commanding air; but such a boldness as neither resembled that of a Spaniard nor of a Jesuit. Their confiscated weapons were returned to Candide and Cacambo, together with their two Andalusian horses. Cacambo gave the poor beasts some oats to eat close by the arbour, keeping a strict eye on them all the while for fear of ambush.

  Candide first kissed the hem of the commandant’s robe, then they sat down at the table. “It seems you are a German,” says the Jesuit to him in that language. “Yes, reverend father,” answered Candide. As they pronounced these words they looked at each other with great amazement, and with an emotion that neither could conceal. “Which part of Germany are you from?” said the Jesuit. “From the dirty province of Westphalia,” answered Candide. “I was born in the castle of Thunder-ten-tronckh.” “Oh heavens! is it possible?” said the commandant. “What a miracle!” cried Candide. “Can it be you?” said the commandant. At this they both fell back a few steps, then running into each other’s arms, embraced, and let fall a shower of tears. “Is it you, then, reverend father? You are the brother of the fair Miss Cunégonde? you that were slain by the Bulgarians! you the baron’s son! you a Jesuit in Paraguay! I must confess this is a strange world we live in. O Pangloss! Pangloss! what joy would this have given you if you had not been hanged.”

  The commandant dismissed the negro slaves and the Paraguayans, who presented them with liquor in crystal goblets. He returned thanks to God and St Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped Candide in his arms, and both their faces were bathed in tears. “You will be more surprised, more affected, more beside yourself,” said Candide “when I tell you that Miss Cunégonde, your sister, whose body was supposed to have been ripped open, is in perfect health.” “Where?” “In your neighborhood, with the governor of Buenos Ayres; and I myself was going to fight against you.” Every word they uttered during this long conversation added some new matter of astonishment. Their souls fluttered on their tongues, listened in their ears and sparkled in their eyes. Like true Germans, they continued a long while at table, waiting for the reverend father, and the commandant spoke to his dear Candide as follows:

  THE RESCUE OF THE BARON

  XV

  How Candide killed the Brother of his dear Cunégonde

  “Never while I live shall I lose the remembrance of that horrible day on which I saw my father and brother barbarously butchered before my eyes, and my sister ravished. When the Bulgarians retired we searched in vain for my dear sister. She was nowhere to be found; but the bodies of my father, mother and myself, with two maid-servants and three little boys, all of whom had been murdered by the remorseless enemy, were thrown into a cart to be buried in a chapel belonging to the Jesuits, within two leagues of our ancestral castle. A Jesuit sprinkled us with some holy water, which was horribly salty, and a few drops of it went into my eyes. The father perceived that my eyelids stirred a little; he put his hand upon my breast, and felt my heart beat; I was rescued and at the end of three weeks I had perfectly recovered. You know, my dear Candide, I was very handsome. I became still more so, and the reverend father Croust, at superior of that house, took a great fancy to me. He gave me the habit of the order, and some years afterwards I was sent to Rome. Our general needed new recruitments of young German Jesuits. The sovereigns of Paraguay admit of as few Spanish Jesuits as possible; they prefer those of other nations, whom they believe to be more obedient to command. The reverend father-general judged me fit to work in that vineyard. I set out with a Pole and a Tyrolese. Upon my arrival I was honoured with a sub-deaconship and a lieutenancy. Now I am colonel and priest. We shall give a warm reception to the King of Spain’s troops; I can assure you they will be well excommunicated and beaten. Providence has sent you hither to assist us. But is it true that my dear sister Cunégonde is in the neighbourhood with the governor of Buenos Ayres?” Candide swore that nothing could be more true; and the tears began to trickle down their cheeks again.

  The baron knew no end of embracing Candide; he called him his brother, his deliverer. “Perhaps,” said he, “my dear Candide, we shall be fortunate enough to enter the town sword in hand, and recover my sister Cunégonde.” “Ah! that is all I desire,” replied Candide, “for I intended to marry her; and I hope I shall still be able to.” “Insolent fellow!” replied the baron. “You! you have the impudence to marry my sister, who bears seventy-two quarterings! Really I think you are very presumptuous to dare so much as to mention such an audacious design to me.” Candide, thunderstruck at the oddness of this speech, answered: “Reverend father, all the quarterings in the world are of no significance. I have rescued your sister from a Jew and an Inquisitor; she is under many obligations to me, and she wants to marry me. My master Pangloss always told me that all people are by nature equal. Therefore, I will certainly marry your sister.” “We will see about that, villain!” said the Jesuit baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, and struck him across the face with the flat side of his sword. Candide in an instant drew his rapier, and plunged it up to the hilt in the Jesuit’s body; but in pulling it out, reeking hot, he burst into tears. “Good God,” cried he, “I have killed my old master, my friend, my brother-in-law. I am the best man in the world, and yet I have already killed three men; and of these three two were priests.”

  Cacambo, who was standing sentry near the door of the arbour, instantly ran up. “We can do nothing,” said his master, “but sell our lives as dearly as possible. They will undoubtedly look into the arbour; we must die sword in hand.” Cacambo, who had seen many of these kind of adventures, was not discouraged. He stripped the baron of his Jesuit’s habit and put it upon Candide, then gave him the dead man’s three-cornered cap, and made him mount on horse-back. All this was done in the wink of an eye. “Gallop, master,” cried Cacambo; “everybody will take you for a Jesuit going to give orders, and we will have passed the frontiers before they can overtake us.” He flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in Spanish: “Make way! make way for the reverend father-colonel!”

  XVI

  What happened to our two Travellers with two Girls, two Monkeys, and the savages called Oreillonsau

  Candide and his valet had already passed the frontiers before it was known that the German Jesuit was dead. The wary Cacambo had taken care to fill his satchel with bread, chocolate, some ham, some fruit, and a few bottles of wine. They pushed their Andalusian horses forward into a strange country, where there were no roads. At length, a beautiful meadow, divided by several streams, opened to their view. Cacambo suggested to his master that they eat, and he promptly set the example. “How can you expect me to feast upon ham when I have killed the baron’s son, and am doomed never more to see the beautiful Cunégonde? How will it serve me to prolong a wretched life that might be spent far from her in remorse and despair? And then what will the journal of Trevoux av say about all this?”

  While he was making these reflections he still continued eating. The sun was now at the point of setting when our two wanderers heard cries which seemed to be uttered by a female voice. They could not tell whether these were cries of grief or joy; however, they instantly started up, full of that inquietude and apprehension which a strange place naturally inspires. The cries came from two young women who were tripping stark naked along the meadow while two monkeys followed close at their heels, biting their backs. Candide was moved to pity; he had learned to shoot while he was among the Bulgarians, and he could hit a nut off a bush without touching a leaf. Accordingly he took up his double-barrel Spanish rifle, pulled the trigger, and killed the two monkeys. “God be praised, my dear Cacambo, I have rescued two poor creatures from a perilous situation. If I have committed a sin in killing an Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I made ample amends by saving the lives of these two distressed girls. Perhaps they are young ladies of rank, and this assistance I have been so happy to give th
em may gain us great advantages in this country.”

  He was about to continue when he felt himself struck speechless at seeing the two girls embracing the dead bodies of the monkeys in the tenderest manner, weeping over their bodies, and filling the air with the most doleful lamentations. “Really,” he said to Cacambo, “I didn’t expect to see so much generosity of spirit.” “Master,” replied the knowing valet, “you have made a precious piece of work of it: you have killed the lovers of these two ladies.” “Their lovers, Cacambo! You must be joking; it cannot be; I can never believe it.” “Dear sir,” replied Cacambo, “you are surprised by everything; why do you think it so strange that in some countries monkeys obtain the good graces of ladies? They are one-quarter human, just as I am one-quarter Spanish.” “Alas!” replied Candide, “I remember hearing my master Pangloss say that such things used to happen in former times; and that from these mixtures arose centaurs, fauns, and satyrs; and that many of the ancients had seen such monsters; but I took all that for fables.” “Now you should be convinced,” said Cacambo, “that it is very true; and you see what is done with those creatures by people who have not had a proper education. All I am afraid of is, that these same ladies will get us in real trouble.”

  These judicious reflections led Candide to leave the meadow and hide in a thicket. There he and Cacambo ate; and after heartily cursing the Grand Inquisitor, the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and the baron, they fell asleep on the ground. When they awoke, they were surprised to find that they could not move. The reason was, that the Oreillons, who inhabit that country, and to whom the ladies had given information of these two strangers, had bound them with cords made of tree bark. They saw themselves surrounded by fifty naked Oreillons, armed with bows and arrows, clubs, and hatchets of flint; some were making a fire under a large cauldron; and others were preparing spits, and all were crying out: “A Jesuit! a Jesuit! We shall be revenged! we shall have excellent cheer; let’s eat this Jesuit; let’s eat him up.”18

  “I told you, master,” cried Cacambo mournfully, “that these two wenches would play us a dirty trick.” Candide, seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried out: “I suppose they are going to either boil or roast us. Ah! what would Pangloss say if he could see how a state of nature is formed? Everything is right. It may be so: but I must confess it seems harsh to have lost dear Miss Cunégonde, and to be spitted like a rabbit by these barbarous Oreillons.” Cacambo, who never lost his presence of mind in distress, said to the disconsolate Candide: “Do not despair. I understand a little of the jargon of these people; I will speak to them.” “And be sure,” said Candide, “you make them aware of the horrid barbarity of boiling and roasting human creatures, and how un-Christian such a practice is.”

  “Gentlemen,” said Cacambo, “you think perhaps you are going to feast upon a Jesuit; if so, excellent idea; nothing can be more agreeable to justice than to treat your enemies so. Indeed, the law of nature teaches us to kill our neighbour; and that’s why we find this practised all over the world; and if we do not indulge ourselves in eating human flesh, it is because we have much better food; but for you, who do not have our resources, it is certainly agreed to be much better to feast upon your enemies than to throw their bodies to the crows of the air, and thus lose all the fruits of your victory. But surely, gentlemen, you will not choose to eat your friends. You imagine you are going to roast a Jesuit, but my master is your friend, your defender; and you are going to spit the very man who has been destroying your enemies. As to myself, I am your countryman ; this gentleman is my master; and far from being a Jesuit, let me tell you he has just killed one of that order, whose robe he now wears, and that’s why you dislike him. To prove that I’m telling the truth, take the robe he has on, and carry it to the first barrier of the Jesuits’ kingdom, and ask if my master did not kill one of their officers. There will be little or no time lost by this, and you may still keep us to eat in case you find that I have lied; but, if you find that I told the truth, you are too well acquainted with the principles of the laws of society, humanity, and justice, not to let us depart unhurt.”

  This speech appeared very reasonable to the Oreillons. They sent

  AN OREILLON RECEPTION

  two of their people to inquire into the truth of this affair, who performed the task like men of sense, and soon returned with good news for our distressed adventurers. Upon this they were both freed, and those who were so recently going to roast and boil them, now showed them all sorts of civilities, offered them girls, gave them refreshments, and led them back to the border of their country, crying all the way, in token of joy: “He is no Jesuit, he is no Jesuit.”

  Candide could not help admiring the cause of his deliverance. “What men! what manners!” he cried; “if I had not had the good luck to run my sword up to the hilt in the body of Miss Cunégonde’s brother, I would definitely have been eaten alive. But, after all, pure nature is an excellent thing; since these people, instead of eating me, showed me a thousand civilities as soon as they knew I was not a Jesuit.”

  XVII

  Candide and his Valet arrive in the Country of El Dorado.aw What they saw there

  When they got to the frontier of the Oreillons, “You see,” said Cacambo to Candide, “this hemisphere is not better than the other; take my advice, and let’s return to Europe by the shortest possible way.” “But how can we get back,” said Candide, “and where shall we go? To my own country? The Bulgarians and the Abares are slitting everyone’s throat; or shall we go to Portugal? There I will be burnt; if we stay here, we are always in danger of being spitted. But how can I bring myself to leave that part of the world where my dear Miss Cunégonde lives?”

  “Let’s go towards Cayenne,” said Cacambo; “there we will meet with some Frenchmen; for they go all over the world; perhaps they will help and God will take pity on us.”

  It was not so easy to get to Cayenne. They knew roughly which way to go; but the mountains, rivers, precipices, robbers, savages, were dreadful obstacles in the way. Their horses died from fatigue, and their food was gone. They subsisted a whole month on wild fruit, till at length they came to a little river bordered with cocoa trees, the sight of which at once revived their drooping spirits, and supplied nourishment for their enfeebled bodies.

  Cacambo, who was always giving as good advice as the old woman herself, said to Candide: “You see there is no holding out any longer; we have travelled enough on foot. I see an empty canoe near the river-side; let’s fill it with cocoa-nuts, get into it and float with the current: a river always leads to some inhabited place. If we do not meet with agreeable things, we shall at least meet with somethingnew.” “Agreed,” cried Candide; ”let’s let Providence guide us.”

  They rowed a few leagues down the river, the banks of which in some places were covered with flowers, in others barren; in some parts smooth and level, and in others steep and rugged. The stream widened as they went farther on, till at length it passed under one of the frightful rocks whose summits seemed to reach the clouds. Here our two travellers had the courage to commit themselves to the stream, which, narrowing at this point, hurried them along with a dreadful noise and speed. At the end of twenty-four hours they saw daylight again; but their canoe was smashed to pieces against the rocks. They had to creep along from rock to rock for the length of one league, till at length a spacious plain came into sight. This place was ringed by a chain of inaccessible mountains. The country appeared cultivated for pleasure as well as to produce the necessaries of life. The useful was joined to the agreeable. The roads were covered, or rather adorned, with carriages formed of glittering materials, in which were men and women of surprising beauty, drawn with great speed by red sheep of a very large size, which far surpassed the finest horses of Andalusia, Tetuan, or Mecquinez.

  “Here is a country,” said Candide, “that’s better than Westphalia.” He and Cacambo landed near the first village they saw, at the entrance of which they noticed some children, covered with tattered garments of th
e richest brocade, playing quoits. Our two inhabitants of the other hemisphere amused themselves greatly with what they saw. The quoits were large round pieces, yellow, red, and green, which cast a most glorious lustre. Our travellers picked some of them up, and they proved to be gold, emeralds, rubies and diamonds the least of which would have been the greatest ornament to the superb throne of the Great Mogul. “Without doubt,” said Cacambo, “those children who are playing quoits must be the king’s sons.” As he was uttering these words the schoolmaster of the village appeared, to call them back to school. “There,” said Candide, “is the tutor of the royal family.”

  The little ragamuffins immediately dropped their game, leaving the quoits on the ground with all their other playthings. Candide gathered them up, ran to the schoolmaster, and, with a most respectful bow, presented them to him, giving him to understand by signs, that their royal highnesses had forgotten their gold and precious stones. The schoolmaster, with a smile, flung them upon the ground; then examining Candide from head to foot with an air of admiration, he turned his back and went on his way.

  Our travellers took care, however, to gather up the gold, the rubies and the emeralds. “Where are we?” cried Candide: “The king’s children in this country must have an excellent education, since they are taught to show such a contempt for gold and precious stones.” Cacambo was as much surprised as his master. At last they came to the first house in the village, which was built in the manner of a European palace. There was a crowd of people around the door, and a still greater number in the house. The sound of the most delightful instruments of music was heard, and a delicious aroma came from the kitchen. Cacambo went up to the door and heard those within talking in Peruvian, which was his mother tongue; for Cacambo was born in the village of Tucuman, where no other language is spoken. “I will be your interpreter here,” he said to Candide “let’s go in; this is an eating-house.”