by Grace, Aria
Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life as a shelter omega like Rubin? Unable to break out of the place that saved me from homelessness?
As I lay there alone, I beg for whatever gods who are listening to take me into a dreamless sleep. Preferably a very long one.
53
Nick
Snow crunches underfoot as I pace back and forth near the sheltered photo area. The cold air turns my breath into clouds and my leaves my cheeks and nose tingling. No one else is here yet but I couldn’t stand to wait at home any longer. Standing out here alone in the pre-dawn light that shrouds the tree farm seemed better than staring at the clock at home. I did that all night long and couldn’t wait another minute.
Truthfully, I didn’t realize just how early it was until I got here. When I finally gave up on any attempt at sleep and dressed for work, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to see Scotty. How badly I’ve messed everything up with him.
It’s been days since that incident with Joel, and I’ve still not heard a word from Scotty. Since then, I’ve reached out in every way I know how, but there’s been no response. Scotty has shut me out of his life and left me feeling like the biggest screw up in the entire world. I ruined one of the most perfect things that ever happened to me, and for the life of me, I don’t know how to get it back again.
When my employees slowly begin to arrive, they greet me with more cheeriness than usual. Internally, I groan at their pity for me mixed in with their own joy at almost being done for the season. Even though they want to be supportive of what I’m going through, they’re excited. The holiday cheer is getting overwhelming to everyone. Christmas is the day after tomorrow, but for many of them, the festivities will start as soon as work ends on Christmas Eve.
This realization only makes my anxiety worse.
What happens if Christmas passes me by, and I still haven’t reached Scotty? There won’t be any reason for him to come back to the farm after tomorrow, so I might never see him again. Of course, I could always go by Omega House to try to talk to him, but if he’s avoiding me out here, then what are of the chances of him coming out to meet me if I’m there?
A few kids and parents appear at the front of the line, and I know my pity party has to be put on hold for a little while. With a deep breath, I pull the furry collar of my Santa suit a little tighter around my neck and turn toward my throne. But out of the corner of my eye, I catch sight of Rubin’s car.
I watch with my breath held as the festive omega climbs out with his ever-present smile still intact. But he’s alone. Just like he was yesterday and the day before. Part of me was hoping today would be the day, but it looks like I was wrong again.
“Good morning, Nick. Merry Christmas.” Rubin grins as he reaches me. He’s holding a peppermint-scented coffee in one hand and a candy cane in the other. The smell of peppermint wafts off him like cologne. It might’ve been nauseating if it wasn’t so refreshing.
“Merry Christmas,” I reply robotically, not really feeling the holiday cheer in the slightest. “How’s—”
“He’s the same.” Rubin heads off the same question I’ve asked him every morning for the past several days. “I’ve tried everything, but he’s totally shut down. He’s spending all his time sleeping and only gets up to eat or go to the bathroom. He won’t even talk to me anymore.”
Anguish is the only word I can think of to describe how I’m feeling, but somehow it doesn’t even come close. I have to help him.
Scotty is mine. He’s my omega. I need to go to him. Support him. Soothe all the pain that’s plaguing him.
“Rubin, I can’t live like this anymore. And I sure as hell can’t let him live like that anymore.” I clutch the front of my suit over my heart and try to breathe through the blinding pain. I feel like a dog that’s been chained to a tree. No matter how hard I throw myself at the chain, trying to get to my reason for being, all I wind up doing is causing more pain.
But that pain doesn’t stop me from trying again.
“I can talk to the coordinators at Omega House. They let alphas in for volunteer work and for job interviews. Since they know something’s going on with Scotty, they might make an exception. But there are extensive background checks and a vetting process to go through. It takes time to set something like that up.” Rubin shakes his head mournfully and shrugs. “With how busy things are right now, I don’t think they’d be able to get you in before the end of the year.”
My mouth is full of sand. It takes several attempts to swallow before I can soothe the dryness plaguing my throat. Even then, it takes a couple tries to wet my lips with my tongue. It’s like a black hole has opened in the pit of my stomach and sucked up everything inside me. I’m a hollow shell and everything feels wrong.
“Fuck…Rubin, that’s…” I shove my hand through my hair and exhale forcefully. Clouds of steam billow around me before dissipating. “I need you to give him a message for me.”
“Every message you’ve sent me home with has had the same reaction.” Rubin shakes his head and sighs. “I honestly don’t know if there’s anything either of us can say that will bring him out of this.”
“I’ll think of something…” My voice trails off as I catch sight of the first customer in line giving me an impatient glare. My eyes fall closed, and I try to get my head in order. The world doesn’t stop moving just because I’m having a crisis. Rubin won’t be heading home until evening, which means I’ve got the rest of the day to come up with a message he can pass along to Scotty.
This is probably the last chance I’ll have to get a message to the man I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. It better be good.
Focusing on my job has never been harder. Keeping up the constant smiles, the Christmas cheer, and the positive attitude feels like a chore in a way it never has before. Nothing I do will make the day go any faster, and the seconds tick by like each one is an hour.
All I want to do is wallow in my own misery.
Misery of my own creation.
I should have gone after Scotty that first day. He probably thinks I’m mad at him. I called him my employee, but I should’ve called him my boyfriend. It felt so innocent at the time. I was just trying to defend him, but my brain defaulted to the wrong setting. I wasn’t protecting an employee from an angry customer. I was protecting my omega from his angry ex. I should have acted like it.
That small slip up might have shattered his confidence in our relationship because I honestly can’t think of any other reason why he would shut me out like this. Does he think I don’t care about him? Is it possible he believes everything I told him was just a lie?
Rubin told me a bit more about Scotty’s ex, and after hearing everything, I feel like I went too easy on him. I should’ve gone with my gut and punched him in the face. At the time, showing restraint seemed like a good thing. Now I’m wondering if maybe that sort of display was exactly what Scotty was looking for from me. Maybe wanted me to defend him, and all I did was let him down.
As the day slowly draws to a close, I feel like I’m circling the drain. There weren’t a lot of customers today because of a storm. But tomorrow will be crazy. It’s the final chance for the procrastinators to get a tree, not to mention those who prefer to wait until Christmas eve to get theirs.
I feel like shit. There are no two ways about it.
“If you’ve got something you want me to tell him, I’ll do my best.” Rubin doesn’t look optimistic as he wraps a scarf around his neck before heading out. The last of the customers are gone, and most of my employees are on their way home. For a few moments, he and I just stand side by side near the dying embers of the fire.
“I don’t know what else to say.” The weight of defeat is heavy on my shoulders, but I don’t know what else to do. “I’ve told him I want to talk to him. I’ve asked him to call me, text me, anything. I’ve begged him to come back. He doesn’t…nothing seems to reach him.”
“I think… Well, he told me this in confidenc
e, but I feel like you deserve to know.” Rubin wrings his hands together as he builds up the courage to say what he wants to say. “Seeing how miserable you both are, I can’t help thinking he’s right about the fated mates thing.”
A slight smile touches my lips at the words “fated mates.” “I’ve read everything I can find about it. The internet, the old articles from the library, I talked to everyone I can think of…I even called my doctor. I’ve never been more certain about anything before.”
“Then…then you should know he has this twisted idea about your relationship. He seems to think he was taking advantage of you. He’s even questioning if he’s ever really been in love before.” Rubin frowns when he meets my gaze. “He doesn’t trust his own emotions, and I think it has a lot to do with seeing his ex. The way Joel treated him messed with his head. Since then, Scotty has been convinced he’s no good. That he was using you without even realizing it.”
I recoil reflexively. “How the hell did he come up with that?”
“I honestly don’t know. I don’t think we’ll ever really know the full extent of how badly Joel treated him. The only thing I do know is that he’s refusing to talk to you, to even listen to you, because he thinks he’s been taking advantage you because you’re a good person.” Rubin scuffs the toe of his elf shoe against the ground.
“God! How can he think that?” I throw my head back and place pinch the bridge of my nose. I feel a migraine coming on. “Please tell him I’m sorry I didn’t pull him into my arms and declare to the world that he’s mine. Tell him I’m sorry I didn’t savagely defend him the way an alpha should. I’m sorry I waited so long to tell him that I love him, and that nothing in the world is going to change how I feel.” I take a deep breath and look Rubin in the eye. “I need you to tell him I’m sorry for what I’m about to say next.”
Rubin raises an eyebrow in confusion but doesn’t interrupt my tirade.
I swallow hard and clench my fists as I steel my resolve. “Tell him he’s an idiot for trying to ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m sorry I didn’t make more of an effort to show him just how much he really means to me, but he needs to out a little effort too.”
54
Scotty
When Rubin returns from the tree farm, I roll toward the wall and pretend to be sleeping. The smell of Christmas trees and candy canes follows him in like a cloud, bringing back memories I would really rather forget.
I just want to be left alone.
“Get up, buttercup! That’s enough wallowing.” Rubin flips the light switch on without warning. I grimace at the intrusion to my brain as my pupils violently contract against the brightness. Screwing my eyes shut, I bury my face in my pillow to shut out all the…white.
“Why?” I moan through the pillow. “Just leave me be.”
“Nope.” Rubin rips back the covers, exposing me to the slight chill in the air. I’m wearing my pajamas, the same ones I’ve worn for the past several days, because they’re warm, and comfy. But without my big quilt, the room still feels cold around me.
Just like my heart.
Squinting against the overhead light, I flip off Rubin and glare at his stupid face. “I told you before that I don’t want to go down for dinner.”
“You don’t have to.” Rubin shrugs then plops down on the bed beside me. “But you do have to listen to what I’m gonna say. It’s time for some tough love. Well past it, actually. I wouldn’t be able to call myself your friend if I let you stay like this forever, would I?”
“You don’t have to take care of me.” I reach for my blankets, but Rubin knocks my hand away before I can steal them back.
“Apparently, I do. Especially when you’re being so willfully self-destructive.” Rubin looks at me with a seriousness I didn’t know he was capable of. “I’ve got another message from Nick.”
“Rubin…” I’ve told him several times that I don’t want to hear from Nick anymore. It only makes this process more painful.
“No. We’ve done things your way, and they’ve gotten us nowhere. Now, it’s time for you to shut up and listen.” Rubin looks like he’s completely over my bullshit. He certainly wouldn’t be the first man to feel that way. “You’re done moping around here, blaming yourself for everything that’s happened. There’s a gorgeous alpha who is worried sick about you, and you won’t even give him the courtesy of listening to the messages he’s been leaving you.”
I flare my nostrils and sit up in the bed. “It’s none of your business what I do with my relationships. How I choose to handle things with Nick is up to me.”
“Not when you’re completely misinterpreting the situation.” Rubin’s response is so immediate it catches me off-guard. “You’re second guessing every single thing that’s happened with him. You keep telling me you don’t know if you’re actually in love with him or not, and you keep going on about how you’ve been using him. What you don’t seem to realize is that you’re just playing with his emotions.
“You’re acting like he’s incapable of rational thought. Like he’s too stupid to tell fantasy from reality. Spoiler alert, Nick isn’t some moron who was born yesterday. You’re emasculating him by behaving like this.”
I open my mouth to protest, but Rubin doesn’t give me a chance.
“Do you know what he said to me today? He told me to tell you he’s sorry. He blames himself for this whole thing. He thinks that because he didn’t come to your rescue quickly enough that you think he doesn’t love you. Because he called you an employee instead of his boyfriend, he thinks he sent you and everyone else the wrong message.” Rubin seems incensed by the very notion. “He’s one of the most decent alphas I’ve ever had the pleasure of calling my friend, and he’s out there comparing himself to Joel because he can’t figure out why you’re avoiding him.”
“No…” I gasp, covering my mouth with my hand. I can’t wrap my head around what Rubin’s saying. “How could he even think that?”
“Look at it from his perspective.” Rubin takes a breath and his anger tapers off a bit. “You took off without saying goodbye. You won’t talk to him. You haven’t even done him the courtesy of telling him why you’re acting like this. You just left, Scotty. He’s a mess trying to figure it out, and the only thing he can come up with is that it must be his fault. You mean everything to him. Even now, he still believes you really are fated mates.”
My throat tightens as he says those words that I’ve been trying not to let seep into my mind. Just the possibility makes my heartbeat slow to a crawl. My eyes sting, and I feel like I’m going to burst into tears at any second. If I hadn’t spent most of the last week crying, I probably would be a blithering mess already.
“He…he’s not…that’s not…” I can’t seem to find the right words to form my thoughts. “You told him he’s not responsible for this, right? You made it clear this is my fault because I used him. I took advantage of him. I’m not…I’m not capable of love.”
“Fuck you,” Rubin spits the words out like a verbal slap to the face.
I blink in stunned silence.
“If you weren’t capable of love, then why the hell have you been wallowing in here, in the dark, for the past week? I’ve known you for a while now, and I’m sorry, but you’re a godawful liar. There’s no way you’re capable of taking advantage of anyone.” Rubin rolls his eyes at my open-mouthed expression. “You look like a dying fish. Close your mouth and say something.”
“Does he really blame himself?” I whisper.
“Yes. He’s such a tool. He can’t imagine a world where any of this is actually your fault.” Rubin scoffs and hops over to his bed. “You need to talk to him, Scotty. He loves you. He asked me to tell you that.”
I chew my lip as I slowly reach for my phone. I’ve had it off for the past couple days because I couldn’t stomach it anymore. But now that Rubin’s confronted me with how selfish and childish I’ve been behaving, I feel more than a little guilty for ignoring Nick for so long.
> I was stupid to let Joel get under my skin. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t give him that kind of power over me anymore. Too bad I don’t seem to have the mental defenses to keep him at bay. It would take some actual confidence and self-esteem to face his accusations with pride in myself. Even in my own eyes, I’ll always be the same pathetic little omega he picked up out of pity those years ago.
I owed him my life and let him ruin me because of it.
The worst part is that I thought I was past this. I told myself it wasn’t an issue anymore, that I had everything under control. But if that were really the case, then why did I just spend the last week holed up in my room?
As I flick through the text messages, I feel a boulder forming in the pit of my stomach. Every single message from Nick reads like a love letter. No part of him ever doubted me. No part of him ever once seriously considered that I might actually be all the terrible things Joel said I was.
The voicemails are even worse.
They’re nothing but sweet outpourings of his feelings for me. Every single one is the same, and each one sounds more desperate than the last. He begs me to talk to him. To at least tell him what he did so he can fix it. He asks me to face him, to look him in the eye and tell him I no longer believe we’re fated mates.
Every word I hear makes my heart break further. But I hang on every last one of them because I don’t dare miss anything he has to say. Tears freely flow down my cheeks by the time I get through the last message.
I’ve been a fucking fool.
This stirring in my chest I feel when I think of him. The way my heart flutters when he says “I love you” can’t be anything other than love. I’ve let myself fall prey to self-doubt, and as a result, I’ve punished my alpha severely.