by Grace, Aria
I rehearse my opening lines over and over again until I know them by heart. Every word is perfectly chosen, and I’m confident I’ll be able to express myself clearly.
It’s nearly seven when I finally reach Landon’s house. My steps slow as I reach the front porch. His car isn’t in the driveway, and the lights aren’t on inside. I should have called first. Frowning, I knock anyway, just in case.
But there’s no answer.
I’m sure I didn’t get the schedule wrong, and today is definitely his day off. Maybe he went to the store or to pick up dinner...or maybe he’s out with his friends. He mentioned going out sometimes.
I take a deep breath and sit down on the top step of his porch. There’s no way of knowing exactly when he’ll be back unless I text him, but I don’t like the idea of interrupting him if he’s out enjoying himself. I chew my lip as I pull my phone out and look down at the screen.
It’s already dark outside, but it’s a warm night. I can hang out for a while. Besides, walking back right now isn’t really a smart option. I can’t imagine it would be very safe. If I get desperate, I’ll call Omega House. There is usually someone around who can come pick me up but...I really don’t want to go back there without completing what I set out to do.
I’m nothing if not stubborn. So, with my resolve set, I settle in to wait.
* * *
Hours tick by without so much as a hint of Landon. I’m bored, my butt is numb, and I’m getting a little chilly. Just to stretch my legs, I get up and pace back and forth across his small porch. I still haven’t texted but it’s getting harder to resist. I’ve convinced myself it’ll ruin my opening speech if he knows I’m here waiting for him. But it’ll also ruin my speech if I’m eaten by a rabid possum.
And truthfully, I wasn’t expecting him to be gone so long. I’m actually a little worried he might have gone on an impromptu road trip.
My stomach growls loudly and I groan. Yet another thing to make me second guess my decision to wait.
When I look at my phone, I’m shocked to see it’s nearly three in the morning. I’ve been sitting here like a moron for nearly eight hours.
Just as I’m about to get up and start walking home, a pair of headlights turn down the street, and I recognize Landon’s car. My chest tightens, and my heart begins to race.
This is it.
This is the moment I’ve been waiting for.
The car pulls into the driveway and Landon is staring at me through the window. He stumbles out of the car, looking like he’s just seen a ghost.
“Billy, shit…how long have you been waiting?”
“That’s not important.” I stand up, trying to take control of the situation. My perfectly rehearsed speech needs to be deployed quickly. “I need to talk to you.”
“You don’t need to say anything,” Landon says as he approaches me. He looks torn between sweeping me up in his arms and trying to restrain himself. My heart goes out to him, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want his arms around me. “Let’s get you inside where it’s a little warmer.”
“No, wait…” I grab the sleeve of his scrubs as he tries to walk past me. He stops midstep to look at me. The proximity between us is almost overwhelming, and I find myself lost in his gaze. “I need...to tell you...” My voice trails off as my carefully rehearsed speech evaporates from my thoughts. Instead, I blurt the only thing I can think of. “I love you, Landon.”
Landon’s face contorts in an expression of pain and relief. He reaches out for me and pulls me into a warm, gentle hug. “I love you too, Billy.”
“But there’s something else…” I gently lean away from him. “What happened the other day…with the condom. I freaked out. I know you didn’t mean to. I just...”
“Billy, you don’t need to explain.” Landon gently leads me toward the front door. “I know why you left. I understand—”
“You don’t. Not fully.” I hold my stance as I pull my hand from him. “Yes, it has to do with the miscarriage but…there’s more to it than just losing that baby.”
Landon unlocks the front door and pushes it open in one smooth motion. “I’ll make some coffee, and you can tell me everything.”
I have a five-minute reprieve to gather my thoughts while Landon makes the coffee. Sitting in his living room is comforting as I try to figure out exactly how I want to address the horrid, nasty, awful things that have gone through my head about my last pregnancy.
“Before you say anything, there’s something I need to say.” Landon sits down on the chair across from me.
I want to cut him off, I’m supposed to be taking control of this conversation, so I can get everything out in the open before I lose my nerve. But I don’t. I don’t want to ruin the fantasy of this moment. Just the two of us, sitting together and drinking coffee. I know the likelihood of him wanting me to stay after I’m finished talking is very low, so dragging it out a few more minutes is an easy decision.
Besides, he deserves the chance to make his own decision.
“I love you, Billy.” Landon’s eyes lock with mine as he holds his hands between his knees. “I didn’t realize just how much I love you until I thought I had lost you. Fuck, I’ve been out of my mind these last few days thinking I would never see you again.” He takes a deep breath to steady himself. “Whatever you need to tell me, no matter what it is, nothing is going to change the way I feel about you.”
My vision blurs, and I feel the heat and sting of tears beginning to form in my eyes. He shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want him to be understanding, offering me a safe place to confess my sins.
I don’t deserve it.
“The miscarriage, losing the baby, I think I might have wanted it to happen.” I close my eyes tight, trying to get ahead of any further confessions of love and support. “I did my best to carry that baby to term, trying to convince myself everything would be different once it was born, but every time I felt a kick, I was transported back to the night I conceived...back to that horrible...awful night and the things my old alpha did to me.” I swallow back the lump in my throat as those images returned to me, almost as fresh as the day they happened.
“I didn’t want it, but I still thought I could handle it. Then...after I lost it, all I could remember was that I didn’t really want my unborn child anyway. I hate myself for everything I did and didn’t do. But mostly I hate that I wasn’t good enough to keep my baby safe and healthy.” Tears are streaming down my cheeks, but I force myself to continue. “I couldn’t even manage to mourn the loss because I’ve felt so guilty since the day I learned I was pregnant. The guilt has been eating me alive.”
“Billy...” Landon moves quickly from the chair to sit beside me on the sofa. He takes my trembling hands in his and meets my gaze. “You’ve been through hell. Losing the baby like that was tragic but...the greater tragedy is that you had to conceive it like that.” He pulls me against his chest and I let out a muffled sob.
“I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling right now. But...you have no reason to feel guilty. You did everything you could for that baby, and if it had been carried to term, I’m certain you would’ve found a way to do what was right for both of you. You don’t have a drop of malice in you. You’re not a bad person. You’ve just been dealt a shitty hand. The fact that you’ve managed to hold on to so much goodness despite all that just makes me love you even more.”
I’m reeling from the emotions running through me. Does he not understand what I’m trying to tell him?
“How can I be trusted to carry another baby after what happened with the last one?” I shake my head, terrified of his answer. “Omegas are supposed to love and defend their children to their last breath. I failed at my most basic job.”
“Billy...you can’t...” Landon sighs softly and lets his eyes drift shut for a moment. “Do you want to have my children?”
His question catches me by surprise, and I mop away my tears with my shirt sleeves just so I can see him clearly. Why w
ould he ask me such a thing?
“If you feel like you don’t want to have children, no matter who the alpha is, then I’ll understand.” He brushes a tear off my cheek with his thumb. “That doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
“I...I don’t think I’ll be a good father.” Self-doubt floods through me. “How do I know I’ll even be capable of loving them? How do I know I’ll be able to actually handle the responsibility of raising children? I feel so inadequate in every way imaginable.”
“No one is prepared to have their first kid,” Landon says. “I worked in the paternity ward for a year and almost all the first-time parents are nervous wrecks. No one can tell you what parenthood is actually going to be like. All you can do is find someone you wanna have kids with and do your best.”
His smile makes me smile too. What is he saying? “For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be a great dad.”
Hearing him say that strikes a chord in my heart. I know it’s not just empty praise or an attempt to manipulate me. I’ve heard that sort of thing before. This is genuine. Landon is speaking from his heart, telling me what he truly believes.
“I think I do want that,” I manage at last, finding my way through the pain and the tears. “I want to have kids with you. I just—”
“Then that’s all that matters.” Landon leans forward to kiss my forehead. “We’ll figure out the rest later.”
“You still want me, even after hearing all that?”
“Of course, I do.” Landon smiles reassuringly. “Is that why you stayed away, because you thought I wouldn’t want you if I knew the truth?”
I nod slowly. I’m full of shame over my behavior, but also relief at Landon’s unconditional love.
“You’re the other half of my soul.” Landon kisses me again, this time harder and on my lips. “I would walk through fire for you. I’m not going to shrink away from the demons of your past.”
I laugh a little. “That’s so corny.”
“It’s true though.” He smirks and gives me a squeeze. “I don’t want to face the future without you. These last few days have been draining on me mentally and emotionally. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you with me.”
“Just keep doing what you’re doing. That’s more than enough.”
71
Landon
Three months later
My perspective has changed since I found out I’m going to be a dad. I feel like my every waking moment is spent in anticipation of my child’s birth.
For his part, poor Billy has been miserable. Morning sickness has hit him hard, and he spends most of his day either in bed watching movies or hugging the toilet. The doctor has given him some medication to help with the nausea, but it doesn’t seem to be doing much. The only good thing is he doesn’t seem to have a lot of food aversions. His cravings trend toward sweets like ice cream cakes and popsicles, so I’ve been keeping the freezer full.
Any fears he had about his ability to be a good omega were definitely unfounded. Being supported by a loving partner and pregnant with a child born out of love, has changed his outlook in every way. Billy seems truly content. Even if he is puking his guts out half the morning.
The spare guest room, which I was mostly using for storage, is slowly being transformed into a nursery. But I’m still working full-time at the hospital so it’s taking me a little longer than I hoped to make any real progress on it.
Thankfully, I have a lot of time off saved up, and Mindy owes me a ton of favors. I’ll be able to take a few weeks off once the baby is born, so I can help Billy get settled into being a dad. I’ve also asked to have my schedule switched to a day time shift. Management thinks they’ll be able to swing it, but it won’t happen until after the baby is born.
Which is why I want to get Billy some help. Unfortunately, he’s dead set against the idea.
“I don’t want anyone else touching my baby.” He practically growls every time we have this conversation. Right now, I can see the tension in his shoulders as he sits at the kitchen table, slowly sipping at the chicken broth I just gave him.
I need to leave for work, but it can’t hurt to broach the subject one more time. “The nannies at Omega for Hire come with glowing recommendations.” I push the brochure toward him. “They’re all CPR certified, their backgrounds are checks, and they have excellent references. They’re skilled at what they do.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know them.” Billy puts the mug down and folds his arms across his chest. “How am I supposed to trust a stranger with our baby?” He looks me in the eyes, daring me to contradict his logic.
His protective streak has manifested more strongly than I’ve seen in other pregnant omegas, no doubt a result of his past experiences. I think he’s trying to make up for what he still sees as his failures. I don’t blame him for that, but staying at home alone all day, with a newborn, while your mate goes off to work is tough for even the most experienced parents.
“What if we set up some interviews ahead of time? Maybe some getting-to-know-you kinda dinners? I’m sure they’d be willing to accommodate something like that.” I smile patiently, hoping he’ll give in. “Just think it over, okay?”
“Fine, I’ll think about it.” Billy turns his wrist to look at an imaginary watch. “Aren’t you running late for something?” He narrows his eyes at me and grabs his mug again. He’s definitely annoyed.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” I pull out a chair and sit down beside him. “You can tell me what’s bothering you.”
“This nanny thing—”
“Please, Billy, I can tell it’s something more than that. You’re just using the nanny thing as an excuse.” I want to be gentle, but sometimes he needs a little bit of a push to open up to me. He’s gotten a lot better over the last few months, but trust is still one of those things that he’s struggling with.
He’s silent for a long moment before blowing out a deep breath and looking me in the eyes. “I don’t want you to think I’m being needy. I miss you when you’re at work, and then when you’re home, I’m either barfing or sleeping.”
“Tomorrow is my day off, I swear—”
“I know, don’t worry.” He reaches out and pats my arm reassuringly. “Don’t mind me, really. I think my hormones are making me overly emotional.”
My heart tightens at his words. I’ve been neglecting him lately. Not intentionally, of course, but it’s easy to get focused on one thing and forget to invest time in another. Especially with weird hours I keep.
I have some sick days I haven’t taken… I hate the idea of leaving the hospital short staffed on a shift like mine, but I can’t ignore the needs of my omega. “I’m gonna call in sick.”
“Landon, you don’t have to do that!” Billy stops my hand as I reach for my phone. “I’m fine, I swear. You can’t just leave everyone hanging.” He parrots back the same excuses I’ve used to justify my long work hours in the past. Hearing them makes me realize just how badly I’ve been ignoring him.
“I’ve got some sick days. I might as well use them.” It takes me just a couple minutes to call in to work and tell them I woke up with an awful head cold. By the time I return to the kitchen table, Billy has finished his chicken broth and is washing his cup in the sink.
“I’m all yours.” I walk up behind him and slide my arms around his waist. “Do what you will with me.”
He laughs lightly and turns around in my arms. “You didn’t have to do that. I told you I’d be fine.”
“I did have to.” I gently caress his cheek with my finger as his eyes drift closed. “You’re my omega, and I haven’t been giving you the attention you deserve. My work at the hospital tends to absorb so much of my attention that I don’t even notice how many days have gone by sometimes. Before I met you, I was only ever home long enough to eat, sleep, shower, and get fresh clothes. Now that I have you, that needs to change.”
“I would like our baby to see his papa every now and then.” Billy smirks, w
aiting for a reaction.
“Even if we weren’t having a baby, I should be home more.” I lean forward and gently brush my lips over his. “You deserve someone who can race home in the middle of the afternoon if there’s an emergency.”
Billy shifts his gaze away from me for a second. “What are you saying?”
“I’m think I’m saying...I’m gonna quit my job at the hospital.” The announcement catches me slightly off guard, but once it’s out there, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. “There are plenty of doctor’s offices around town that keep regular office hours and would be happy to add a skilled, experienced nurse to their staff.” The truth is, I could probably get a job at almost any doctor’s office in town. I’ve shifted through at least half the departments at the hospital at one point or another. I’ve got a lot of experience in a lot of different areas.
“Are you sure?” His eyes are hopeful even though I know he’s trying to downplay his relief.
“Yeah, I am.” I nod emphatically. “Better hours, better pay in most cases, better benefits usually. I think I can find something that’ll be perfect for us.” The more I think about it, the better it sounds. I should’ve thought of this ages ago.
Billy leans up and kisses me, startling me from my thoughts.
His lips are sweet and soft and sensual. I feel an electric tingle run down my spine and goosebumps prickle across my skin. The hair on the back of my neck stands up and my pulse quickens as he turns me on in ways no one else ever has.
“You know...” He leans back slightly so he can meet my gaze. “It’s been a while since I’ve gotten a taste of this.” As he speaks, his hand slides down the front of my scrub pants and into my boxers.
I draw in a sharp breath when his gentle fingers curl around my sleepy cock. “You don’t have to do that...” The words come out instinctually, but I don’t actually want him to stop. His hands are talented, and his lips are sumptuous. “That’s not why I decided to stay home.”