by Grace, Aria
But all I can do is watch as Billy opens the front door and disappears outside.
* * *
I’m in agony.
My shift is dragging on into eternity, and I can hardly focus on what I’m supposed to be doing. For the first time in ages, I’m struggling to do simple tasks like start an IV or take a blood sample. Everything is irritating me, even things that don’t usually bother me, and I’ve been snapping at my coworkers all day. By lunch, everyone knows to give me a wide berth or risk getting their head bitten off.
And worst of all, every time I see an omega who even remotely resembles Billy, my chest tightens, and I can hardly breathe.
I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him.
During my break, I send him a simple text message, hoping he’s feeling better without being suffocating. I hope you got back safely.
After our little mishap, I don’t want to assume the status of our relationship has remained unchanged. But I do still care about him, and I hope he knows that.
By the time I head back onto the floor fifteen minutes later, there’s still no reply.
After finishing my rounds, I wind up stashing my cell phone in my locker. Looking at it every two minutes is too distracting and it’s not fair to my patients. Besides, if Billy wanted to text me, he would’ve done it by now. Hanging on to my phone sounds like a great way to earn me some ill will with my patients.
I’m a professional, and when I’m at the hospital, my patients come first.
Still, all that professionalism takes its toll. At the end of my shift, I’m exhausted. I stop by the bathroom to splash some water on my face, and when I look at my reflection, I swear I look like I’ve aged ten years. The worry beneath my skin is seeping into my pores and making me look drawn and sallow.
I finally retrieve my phone from my locker and open the message app. There’s nothing. It’s two in the morning so he’s probably asleep right now. If his day was anything like mine, he’s got to be emotionally exhausted. I shouldn’t call, and really shouldn’t text either, but all this not knowing is killing me.
The drive home feels like it takes a lifetime. Thankfully, there aren’t many cars on the freeway at this time of night. As I near the turnoff that would take me past Omega House, I consider taking it. The draw is almost more than I can bear. I need to be near him. I need to know he’s okay, and that he’s not suffering alone.
Not for the first time, I slam my hands against the steering wheel in frustration and curse myself for being such a useless, careless idiot. I should’ve been more careful. It’s the only request he asked of me, and I screwed it up. Fuck!
I bite my lip until I taste copper. Intellectually, I know it’s not entirely my fault. I’ve used that exact brand of condom dozens of times in the past with no issues. The box I got that one out of was brand new. There was nothing more I could have done to avoid what happened. It was just bad luck.
Still, I’ll never forget the look of horror and betrayal in Billy’s eyes. He didn’t blame me with his words, but I know that’s what he was thinking.
My car flies past the exit, and I feel my throat tighten.
I can’t start stalking him. I can’t hover around him like a helicopter. He made it clear he needs space right now, and that’s completely understandable. But I can’t shake this feeling that I need to do...something. I need to let him know I’m still here for him. That he can come to me no matter what. He needs to know this changes nothing for me—regardless of what happens.
A dozen different ideas run through my head, but only one of them stands out as both sweet and not too overbearing.
I get home and storm inside, slamming the front door a little harder than I should. I don’t care though. I’m consumed with the idea I had in the car, and I can’t shake it. I’m fixated on my purpose, and all I want to do is see it through.
Not entirely sure where to start, I drop onto the sofa and grab my laptop off the coffee table. It takes a minute to boot up, and as it does, I briefly wonder whether or not this is a good idea. My doubt dissipates after I obsessively check my phone for the hundredth time. I need to do something. Anything. If this doesn’t get a reaction from Billy, then I’ll have to accept the fact that I’ve ruined my chance with him.
As soon as the browser loads up, I search for a florist near Omega House. There’s one specifically set up to deliver to them, owned and operated by an omega who used to live there. He even offers discounts on orders being received by residents of Omega House. Not that the price really matters to me at this point.
The website is nicely laid out, and it doesn’t take me long to locate a floral arrangement that reminds me of Billy. Orange and red roses, Asiatic lilies, orange miniature carnations, chrysanthemums, and a few accent flowers whose names I can’t pronounce. The entire arrangement looks bright and vibrant and warm. Exactly what I think of when I look at him.
I select the largest size and tack on a box of chocolates for good measure. When I go to checkout, the site gives me the option to include a message. I spend a solid ten minutes with my hands resting on the keyboard trying to come up with the perfect message. But, of course, my mind is blank. I have no idea what it is I want to say.
Do I apologize? Do I beg him to call me? Do I leave it blank?
None of those sound right, and I doubt myself once again. Maybe this is a dumb idea. I rub my hands aggressively through my hair, growling out my frustration.
I’m not getting anywhere in this state, so I lean back on the couch and stare up at the ceiling, waiting for inspiration to strike. I’m not sure how much time passes before my thoughts drift back to that moment in the kitchen as we were making breakfast. Back when Billy slid his arms around me and told me he wanted to be my omega. My heart tightens like it’s been closed in an iron fist. But now I know what I want to say.
My fingers brush the keyboard as the words flow freely.
To my omega,
I love you.
From your alpha.
I erase it twice, worried it sounds too possessive. I don’t want to spook him even more than he already is. After adjusting the wording a few times, I try again.
To my omega,
We belong to each other.
Love, your alpha.
I erase it again. I know what I want to say, but I’m not saying it right. None of the words in my head come close to expressing exactly what I need to say. He needs to know what I’m feeling.
To Billy,
I want to belong to you too.
Love, Landon.
As I finish typing, I finally feel satisfied. I just hope it’s enough. I hope he understands exactly what I’m trying to say. The depth of my feelings needs to reach him and lift him up out of whatever dark place he’s found himself in.
I’m incredibly anxious, and second guessing myself, but I complete the purchase anyway. The order will be delivered later today, and I’ll get a text after it’s been dropped off. At least then I’ll know he got them.
With nothing else to do but wait, I rise from the sofa and force myself to take a shower. I feel grimy from my long shift, and I’m exhausted, but I don’t think I can sleep. There’s too much anxiety built up for me to be able get any rest.
Still, I force myself to go to bed. The sheets are still a mess from our athletics last night, and I briefly contemplate leaving them the way they are so the memory will remain intact for a little while longer. But that’s a ridiculous idea, so I decide to do some laundry since I’m wide awake anyway.
The bed gets fully made up with fresh sheets, blankets, and pillow cases. I love the way a clean, freshly made bed looks and feels. It soothes something deep inside me. I stifle a yawn and realize I might finally be tired enough to get some rest, so I crawl into bed. A few minutes later, I fall asleep, thinking of Billy and how great our life could be together.
* * *
When my alarm blares, I jerk awake with my heart pounding in my chest. It’s nearly noon, and I need to start getting r
eady for work. Dragging myself from bed isn’t easy, but nature calls. I’m halfway to the bathroom when I remember the flowers.
Ignoring my bladder, I pounce on my cell phone like a starving man on a steak. There are two new messages.
My heart sinks when I realize neither of them are from Billy.
The first is from the florist, confirming delivery of the flowers at eleven this morning. An hour ago. The second is from Mindy, my co-worker, asking if I can cover her shift on my day off tomorrow.
Disappointed, I sigh and continue with my morning routine. I’ll tell Mindy I can take her shift when I see her at work tonight. It’s not like I’ve got plans tomorrow or any other day. If I’m not working, I’ll probably just sit at home, staring at the wall and being miserable all day.
It takes every ounce of willpower I have to lock my phone up once I get to work. I don’t want to distract myself any more than I already am. My patients deserve as much of my attention as possible.
Time ticks by at a snail’s pace, and it’s hard for me to understand how everyone else can seem so happy when my whole world is imploding around me.
Mindy tells me about some guy she met at a gas station the other day and how she’s meeting him for drinks tomorrow night. She proceeds to lay on the guilt to get me to take her shift. I pretend I’m on the fence about the whole thing, just for my own amusement. It gives me something to tease her about every time I come back to the nurse’s station, and it helps take my mind off the whole situation with Billy.
Still, even Mindy, self-absorbed as she sometimes is, notices I’m off my game tonight. She doesn’t say anything, but every now and then, she does little things to make my life easier tonight. Jump-starting my paperwork, checking in on one of my patients, even buying my favorite energy drink from the vending machine and pretending the machine just gave her the wrong flavor all reinforce how much I appreciate her friendship.
The two of us aren’t the kind of friends who really associate much outside of work, but when we’re on the job, I know Mindy has my back, just like I’ve got hers. That’s just the sort of dynamic we’ve managed to work out over the years.
Her little gestures of kindness help me limp through my shift, and I’m actually feeling a little better about myself when it’s time to head back home. I’m not even surprised when there are no new messages on my phone.
Part of me is starting to adjust to the idea that Billy simply doesn’t want me in his life right now. It’s a painful realization, but the sooner I accept it, the sooner I can move on with my life.
My only worry is whether or not it’s actually possible to “get over” someone who I’m pretty certain is my fated mate.
I tumble into bed still wearing my scrubs from work, numb inside and out. All I want to do is sleep and forget about the omega who broke my heart.
* * *
I don’t even bother checking my phone when I wake up. The message alert light isn’t flashing, so there’s nothing to look for. Resigned to continued loneliness, I drag myself through my morning routine.
My limbs feel like they’re made from lead because I didn’t sleep well. My dreams were tormented and disjointed, but I can’t remember any of them.
After I put on fresh scrubs and toss the old ones in the wash, I realize I never finished the laundry from the other night and I’ve got to start that load all over again, so it doesn’t smell mildewy. The sheets from the other night are at the top of the pile and just looking at them brings everything back into stark focus.
I grit my teeth and angrily restart the washing machine before sinking to the floor in defeat.
My emotions are raw and my body aches. I want to cry but no tears will come. My fated mate, my omega, has rejected me and there’s nothing I can reasonably do to win him back.
70
Billy
“Why don’t you tell me a little more about what happened with Landon?” Seth is sitting across from me with his hands folded in his lap. He’s watching me with a sincerity and interest that puts me at ease, but I’m still not sure what else to say. Even so, I’m glad I’ve got him in my corner because otherwise, I’d be circling the drain right now.
We’re sitting in Seth’s office at Omega House, waiting for me to find the words to express what I’m feeling. He’s one of the omegas who’s been here long enough to move out and start his own family, but he still went through training to become one of the counselors. Apparently, he found a fated mate of his own not too long ago and knows a thing or two about that mysterious connection.
“I don’t think there’s much more to tell.” I stare out the window without really looking at anything. The sun is shining outside as a bunch of children play on the playground in Omega House’s backyard. They sound so happy, and I instinctively place a hand on my abdomen, half expecting to find the swell of my pregnant belly. When it’s not there, my heart spasms and I wince.
“You said you think you might be pregnant,” Seth prompts me. “Does that scare you?”
“It...yeah, it does.” My eyes fall closed, and I release an unsteady breath. “I mean...I already failed once. I don’t...I don’t have the right to try again.”
“What happened before wasn’t your fault, Billy. We’ve gone over this before. You didn’t have any other choice but to run. The situation you were put in was impossible.” Seth purses his lips together and leans forward slightly. “I get the feeling that you’re not talking about that though.”
I wince again and look at him sidelong. Seth has helped me puzzle through a lot of the emotions I had surrounding Louie and the hell I went through with him. It’s thanks to him I was able to actually try to pursue a relationship with Landon. Screwing it up was entirely my doing.
“I wished my pregnancy would go away,” I tell him, my voice barely above a whisper. “I wanted it to just disappear. It had made everything so difficult. I felt so tired all the time, I was sick all the time, and then in the hospital, I felt like I was dying, and I blamed my unborn child. I wanted it to be gone.” Tears start to well in my eyes. “How can I deserve another baby after wishing something like that on my last one?”
If Seth was surprised by my revelation, he didn’t show it. “Billy, you were pregnant with a child you never asked for. It was forced upon you by your abuser yet, you did your best to protect both yourself and that baby. You ran away, faced the unknown horrors of living on the street, and traveled across the country looking for a better life.”
I nod once, acknowledging his words but not really believing them.
“You gave that baby its best shot at survival. As we’ve already established, there was no way either of you were going to live long if you stayed with Louie.”
“I didn’t know I was pregnant when I ran...” My voice trails off before it breaks. He’s making me sound more heroic than I am, and I don’t like it. It fills me with guilt because I don’t deserve praise or admiration. I was careless and negligent. He needs to know how awful I actually am, everyone does.
“You still could’ve terminated the pregnancy,” Seth interjects. “I’m sure you’re aware of the clinics that offer low cost services to omegas. You still had some money when you found out, right? If you truly wanted that pregnancy gone, you could have done it. But you didn’t. You held on. You fought to keep that baby alive. One stray thought does not make you responsible for what happened to your baby. That was out of your hands. It was tragic, but it wasn’t your fault.”
I open my mouth to speak, but quickly close it again. I know he’s right, but I don’t feel it. He’s an omega like me. He’s carried a baby to term and given birth. He has an alpha who loves and cares for him and his child.
I don’t think any alpha would want an omega who was capable of thinking such ill thoughts. And that’s not even the worst of it...I look up at Seth to speak but realize I can’t tell him what’s really bothering me. He wouldn’t understand. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t lived through it would be able to.
I take
a deep breath, trying to get my guilt and pain under control. As I let my eyes fall closed again, I’m confronted with an image of Landon.
As if reading my mind, Seth speaks up. “If you truly believe Landon is your fated mate, then you should share all of this with him. Give him a chance to hear your story and give you his answer.”
“What if he rejects me? What if he hears all this and decides he doesn’t care if we’re fated or not? I wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t want an omega who’s as broken as I am.” I clench the arms of my chair in white-knuckled fists.
“How is that any different than what you’re doing right now?” Seth steepled his fingers under his chin. “I’ll tell you how. Right now, you’re simply avoiding the uncomfortable part. You’re rejecting him before he can reject you.”
I’m not rejecting… Shit, he’s right.
“You’re denying him the opportunity to let you down,” Seth continues. “But, Billy, you’re also denying him the chance to surprise you. You’ve taken that decision away from him.”
Seth’s words cut me deeply. The last thing I want to do is deprive anyone of choice. I ran off because I needed time to think, but afterward, I made the decision to stay away. I ignored Landon’s texts and his flowers. I told myself things were better this way, but now...now I’m beginning to think maybe I was just taking the easiest path. And in doing so, I’ve caused us both more pain.
I rise from my chair and mumble a thank you to Seth. There’s still more time left in our session, but I don’t think I need it anymore. There’s nothing more I need to say to Seth.
My next words are for Landon.
* * *
If I remember his schedule correctly, he should be off work today. Walking across town will give me a chance to clear my head and figure out exactly what I want to say to him. I probably should text him first to let him know I’m coming, but I decide against that. It’s not really fair, but I’d like to have the upper hand during this conversation. I’m hoping it’ll give me the courage to say exactly what I need to say.