Double Feature

by Vernon D Burns

  “I don’t know who ‘they’ are, but ‘they’ are likely to get a boot in the mouth if ‘they’ don’t learn to mind their own business.” Defensively, Moscow crossed his arms, tapping his foot on the ground.

  “I’m sorry if that’s a touchy area, friend, but you have exactly the kind of experience we would find most valuable. I understand it is asking a lot of you to pull you away from the field of battle, at such an important point during the opening stages of World War 2. But if General Palmer is right, and there is a weapon that can be harnessed by the U.S.A. to get a strong advantage….well, I’m sure you want to help make that happen, don’t you, Moscow?”

  Furrowing his brows, Moscow rubbed the cigar out on the sole of his shoe. “Let me see if I have this straight, doc. You’re asking me to stop killing the Japs right when the killing is getting good, so I can babysit some academics in the center of Communist territory…all because you armchair theorists believe there’s some weapon at a church?”

  Swallowing, the doctor’s adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Well, er—yes, that’s precisely it.”

  He stood and, with a sigh, flicked the cigar into a waste basket. “Alright, I’m in. When are we leaving?”

  TunaSquid

  By Jonathan Geist

  The moon settled itself over the horizon like a chicken on its nest. In its full state, the glowing orb cast a sheet of illumination over the trampled sands of Pacona beach, as if God himself had turned on a nightlight for the drunken teenagers. Paul sat by himself in the dark lifeguard tower, evaluating his life and drinking from a warm quart bottle of beer. To say he was unhappy was an understatement. He was fighting the urge to just get in his car and leave town forever. Nothing good had ever happened for him in Pacona. Nothing at all.

  But he felt the nagging pull of responsibility. His father needed him at the store; the town needed him at the beach. Unfortunately, those were abstract needs. All he really wanted was to be needed by that gorgeously tanned whore who normally occupied this ugly red box with him.

  Not everyone on the beach was in a state of such profound despair, though.

  “I don’t know,” Beth said, several hundred meters from the dark lifeguard beach suite.

  “Come on,” Jeff urged.

  “Yeah, come on,” encouraged Tommy.

  Beth grimaced and hugged her arms to her chest. “I don’t think so.”

  “I’ve got nowhere else to go,” Jeff said, doing his best sad puppy impersonation.

  “He’s got nowhere else to go,” Tommy echoed.

  “But...” Beth said, trailing off. It was hard for her to find a good excuse. She didn’t want to seem lame, but the situation was making her uncomfortable.

  “You said your parents are out of town, anyway,” Tommy chided. “What’s the big deal?”

  “I promise I won’t bite,” Jeff said, as though that was exactly what he planned on doing.

  “I just met you, like, literally two hours ago,” Beth said, finally working up some nerve.

  “But we’ve hung out nonstop since then. You know me better than I know myself!”

  “He’s harmless,” Tommy said.

  “I bet,” Beth said sarcastically. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “What do you want me to do? I’m only in town tonight. I don’t know anyone except Tommy and his parents won’t let me stay at their house.”

  As if breaking out of a trance, Allison spoke, “And why is that?”

  “They’re worried he’s gay,” Jeff said, a stupid grin plastered across his face.

  Tommy laughed. “Screw you, man!”

  “Come on. What do you say? I promise I’ll be nice,” Jeff implored, looking deeply into Beth’s eyes.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Come on.”

  “If my parents come home early, you’ll be dead.”

  “Yes!” Jeff and Tommy shout in unison, slapping hands. Tommy stood quickly and wobbled a bit before reaching out for Allison’s hand.

  “Why don’t we wander off and give these two a chance to work out the sleeping arrangements?” Tommy suggested. Allison climbed up out of the sand and dusted herself off.

  “Sorry,” she whispered to Beth as she and Tommy staggered off into the semi-darkness. The waves lapped gently at their ankles on this most perfect of nights. The air was mostly warm, with just the slightest chill from the sea on their bare skin. Tommy squeezed her hand a bit too forcefully because of his inebriated state. Allison winced.

  “That wasn’t very cool,” she finally said, looking over at the drunken asshole next to her.

  “What?”

  “Pressuring her into that. She’s my friend. Our friend.” She slips her hand out of his and lets it fall to her side.

  “Yeah,” Tommy replied. “And now she’s Jeff’s friend. It’s a win for everybody.”

  “Ugh. I’m sure he’ll be very friendly.”

  “Jeff’s a nice guy. They’ll have a nice time.”

  “Oh yeah,” Allison retorted. “And I’m sure he’ll give her a nice baby or a nice STD before he nicely rapes and kills her.”

  Tommy stopped walking to glare at his girlfriend. “If it’s so wrong, why didn’t you say anything? I’m not the only one of us capable of speech.”

  “You know what? You’re right. I should’ve said something. I’ll go say something now.” Allison turned on her heel and started back toward the fire glinting in the distance.

  “Where are you going?” Tommy demanded.

  “To say something. Just like you told me to.”

  “Wait,” Tommy said, deflating.

  “Are you going to say something?” Allison asked, knowing she held all the cards.

  “No,” Tommy said, puffing out his chest. “And neither are you. It’s been decided already.”

  Allison rolled her eyes and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. “Um, no. It hasn’t. Bring his creepy ass back to your house.”

  “Don’t pull that bullshit with me,” Tommy spat venomously.

  Allison turned again and began her purposeful walk to her friend. Her face was warm with anger and her body tingled with fury. Tommy grabbed her roughly by the arm.

  “Let go of me,” Allison said coldly, her fierce blue eyes boring holes through her stupid boyfriend’s head.

  “Stop being such a bitch.”

  “Take your fucking hand off of me.”

  Tommy smirked. “What are you gonna do?”

  Allison took a step backward and drove her fist into his face. An audible crack echoed across the beach upon impact. The impaired teen fell to the sand, clutching his profusely bleeding nose.

  “You bitch,” he choked out. “What the fuck?”

  “You’re the bitch,” Allison said, kicking a clump of sand into his bleeding face. She turned her back on Tommy one last time and walked away, massaging the knuckles of her right hand. Tomorrow’s bruising would be worth it.

  Tommy laid on the ground, writhing. A small rivulet of blood ran from his shivering form to the water. The alcohol combines with the endorphins generated by getting his ass kicked and he passes out on the sand, completely exhausted and half-submerged in the surf. No one was there to notice the muscular tentacle that snaked its way out of the water and wrapped itself around Tommy’s ankle. Without a sound, the boy’s inert form disappeared beneath the surf.

  “Beth, let’s go,” Allison said as she strode up to the fire.

  “‘Kay,” said Beth. She stood quickly and both girls walked quickly back to Allison’s car.

  “Hey!” Jeff called out. “Where are you guys going? Come on! Guys... fuck.” Jeff looked meaningfully out at the ocean, appreciating, not for the first time, the vastness of the world and the way it felt to be adrift. Beth was pretty. Not the prettiest girl he’d ever laid eyes upon, but she’d definitely have been a welcome face to fall asleep naked next to, even if it had taken a few dollars worth of booze to get her that way.

  After a few minutes, he started
walking. “Tommy! Where are you? Those bitches left! We don’t have a car! I’m not gonna get laid! Seriously, dude, I think I’m gonna cry right now!”

  Drunk from the alcohol he consumed, Jeff staggered into the surf and stepped on something slimy. His first thought was of vaginas, and that grossed him out. He was nearly thirty years old and he hadn’t gotten laid in so long that seaweed or whatever reminded him of a woman’s sex organs. “Ahh! Yuck!” he said, both at the sensation he felt and out of self-loathing. He jumped away from the trigger of the tactile response.

  “Shit. Tommy, man, this isn’t funny. Let’s get out of here. I just stepped in some seriously nasty shit. Seaweed or something or... I don’t know what the fuck it was, but it was gross. Tommy!”

  Jeff walked a little farther up the beach and onto the still-warm sand. He sat down and thought for a moment before calling out to his dead friend.

  “Tommy, man. I’ve been thinking. Maybe this is for the best. I mean, I didn’t even know that high school girl. And I’m, like, fucking old. She seemed cool or whatever, but I don’t think she really liked me or anything. I never really thought that mattered, but what if this is some kind of wake up call? I’ve never been ditched by a girl before, especially one as ugly as her. What if it’s some kind of divine warning, man? Like life or death? What if she had AIDS or something and the universe is trying to protect me? Tommy, dude, I think I want to change my ways or something. Start new, you know?”

  Jeff was so wrapped up in his monologue that he didn’t see the snake-like appendage burrowing its way through the sound like a cartoon rabbit. By the time it emerged and affixed itself to his calf, he was so flabbergasted he couldn’t speak. But he could scream.

  “Ahhhhhh!” Jeff screamed.

  He clawed frantically at the sand as the beast dragged him toward the water. He tried and tried, but was unable to find purchase on the unforgiving terrain. In no time at all, his cries were replaced by a slight gurgle. And then nothing at all. The scene was picturesque, like a seascape you’d buy at a strip mall. But there was no telling what horrors lay in store for the small town of Pacona.

  ENJOY THESE OTHER GUY & CAMPBELL CLASSICS.....

  Winged Leviathan

  by Forrest Audobon

  Sinister wings flap in the darkness.....

  Moscow leads a hard-as-nails crew of marines who never turn away from a good fight. But, venturing into Russian territory on the brink of World War II in the hopes of stealing an incredible weapon is enough to set anyone on edge. Not to mention the fact that they're escorting scientists—the sexy and spunky Miss McKnight and the hilarious and absentminded Mr. Hayes—to a church that predates the birth of Christ. What is this ancient weapon the scientists hope to find? What else will they find at this strange, secluded church in the highest Caucasus mountains? Moscow has seen some crazy things in his time, but nothing that will compare with....

  THE WINGED LEVIATHAN!

  Gods of the Jungle Planet

  by Vernon D. Burns

  Even in space . . . Nature finds a way.

  After a wrong turn into a black hole, the last hope for humanity crash lands on planet 58-B, a lush land where life is short and brutal for any but the most badass.

  War rages on between the raptors and a race of part-scorpion, part-humans known as the Skjerdals. Conflicts between members of the sex-crazed crew run high as hearts are broken and heads decapitated. Will humanity’s last hope ever get off of this planet, or is humanity’s last stand to be taken sitting down? And what ancient horrors are the raptor shamans trying to raise with their strange wicker doll?

  The answers to these questions, and many others that you don’t want to know the answers to, can only be answered by the GODS OF THE JUNGLE PLANET!

  TunaSquid

  Jonathan Geist

  There's something fishy going on in the small coastal town of Pacona. Ominous signs of the Apocalypse are being spraypainted on walls, entire fleets of fishing boats have gone missing, and beloved family pets are disappearing into the briny deep. Local law enforcement is at a loss for what to do. All hope seems lost.

  At least it does until a local lifeguard and a mysterious Native American beauty take the case. Will the couple find true love, or will they be fucking killed by the roaming tentacles of... the TunaSquid!

  Curse of the Screwnicorn

  Bonus Material

  Chapter 3

  Seth climbed out of the hotel room shower, drying his hair and applying a liberal amount of mousse to give it that messy, unwashed look he always went for. Steam was hugging the bathroom mirror, drops of perspiration forming upon it and crawling slowly down the surface. Still undressed, Seth was thinking about Carrie: her big, soft eyes; the way she nuzzled against him when she needed comforting; the way he could read her thoughts by grabbing the big screw that stuck out of her forehead.

  With a sizeable erection, he walked out of the bathroom and looked at Carrie, curled up on the bed, munching on a pile of carrots.

  Seth stood with his hands on his hips, looking down at the sexy unicorn. “I’ve got something you can put in your mouth that is not a carrot,” he said.

  Carrie whinnied, the closest approximation she could give to a laugh, as she used her hoof to knock the remaining carrots off of the bed. “Come over here, you sexy human.”

  Seth climbed onto the bed and began kissing and licking his way down Carrie’s stomach. He repeatedly stopped to spit out her coarse hairs, wishing he had given her a good brushing before they came back to the hotel.

  Then, Carrie said, “Roll over. I want to take you now.”

  Their eyes met, Seth suddenly very uncomfortable. “But, Carrie, I’m a guy. And I’m not gay.”

  “I’m a guy, too,” said Carrie. “I’m a guy where it counts, anyway. And I want to feel my big horse cock inside of you.”

  Seth’s eyebrows rose significantly. “This isn’t quite how I saw this going when I fantasized about it.”

  “Roll over, Seth. I’m very horny, pun intended.”

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