Twisted with Chaos: A CASH BAR NOVEL

by Faiman, Hayley

  I don’t move. I’m unable to force myself to do anything other than take in her spectacular self. It’s been months, too fucking long, since I’ve seen a sight so beautiful laid out in front of me.

  Roxanne lifts her hand, her palm facing up as she quietly clears her throat. “Come on, Tanner.”

  My feet become unstuck as I make my way toward her. It only takes me a couple of steps to be right in front of her spread thighs, between them, and so fucking close to being inside of her. This isn’t how I want her though. This was the exact position we fucked the last time. I refuse. This is new, different, fresh between us.

  Lifting my chin toward the pillows, I wait for her to make her way over to them. Crawling up the bed, I don’t immediately pounce on her like I want to. Instead, I kiss up the inside of her thigh, stopping just before my mouth touches her pussy, then I do the same on the other leg.

  Making my way over to her hips, I kiss and lick each one, then find my way toward her belly. Her legs spread wider, her hips lift, and she silently begs for me there, to take her pussy the way she craves. The way she knows that I will deliver.

  “Tanner,” she breathes as her fingers find their way toward my hair. She grips me tightly, but I ignore her begging. Kissing my way up her body, I find her sweet tits.

  Sucking one nipple into my mouth, I let my teeth sink into her flesh slightly. She arches her back, her eyes closing at the sensation. Making my way toward her other breast, I repeat the move. Sucking her in deep, teeth sinking, and enjoying the way her face turns red, her lips part, and her panting breaths fill the room.

  “Inside, Tanner. Inside,” she whispers.

  Releasing her, I fall onto my back next to her reaching for her hips, I gently tug her over me. Without hesitation, she climbs onto my lap, her sweet thighs straddling my hips. She guides herself down on my cock, my hands wrapping around her waist as I look up at her.

  The world stands still, an expression that I never understood until this exact moment. The first time we fucked it was for fun. I didn’t think it was going to go anywhere. Then, the more we were together, the more she spiraled downhill we clung onto one another sexually for different reasons.

  This isn’t that.

  This is different.

  This is fucking love.

  ROXANNE

  My eyes close, though I curse them when they do because then I can’t watch Tanner as I make love to him. That’s exactly what this is too. I saw it in his eyes as soon as I accepted him into my body. This isn’t a fuck. This isn’t anything but love. The thought simultaneously fills me with joy and breaks my heart.

  Tanner’s hands skim up my sides and cup my breasts. His fingers find my nipples and gently tug as I ride him. My hands find his lower abs, my nails dig into his strong muscles as I ride his perfect dick. It’s the best I’ve ever had, even when I had zero emotional attachment to him, he’s just built that well.

  His hips lift and he gives me a buck, my eyes pop open and I look down at him in surprise. “You gonna come again, Firefly? You ride me slow like that and you’ll miss your chance,” he grins.

  One of his hands leaves my breast, slipping between my legs and I let out a shaky breath when his thumb lands perfectly on my clit. I can’t tear my gaze away from his, those green eyes hold me hostage as he plays my clit with perfect precision.

  My hips move on their own volition. I’m unable to control anything about this moment. All I am able to do is feel. Feel him inside of me. Feel the way I desire him. The way that I love him. The way that I not only want him but against better judgment, the way that I need him.

  “Come, Firefly,” he all but begs.

  His eyes are looking at me, he’s looking at me as if I’m the only woman on this entire planet. One more swipe with his thumb along with a gentle pinch is all that it takes to send me over the edge. I come. My head flies back, and though I tried to keep quiet, I completely fail as I let out a moan that I’m sure woke up the neighbors, let alone Melodie.

  “Fuck, yes,” Tanner roars as he wraps his large hands around my hips and holds me, filling me with his release.

  We’re both breathing heavy, sweating, and sigh sweetly as we attempt to catch our breath. I lie down on Tanner’s chest, closing my eyes and cuddling against his neck. We don’t speak. Tanner’s arms wrap around my back, his fingers sift through my hair, and I just enjoy the quiet contemplation of this moment.

  “You cut your hair,” he states after the silence.

  I hum. “Yeah.”

  I don’t give him the reason behind my shorter hair. I don’t tell him that the medication that caused me to lose so much weight also stripped the minerals and shit from my hair, making it look a hot fucking mess.

  “I like it,” he announces.

  Lifting my head from his neck, I look down into his face. Smiling, I place my lips against his in a quick kiss. “I’m glad.”

  His arms squeeze me a bit tighter. “Sleep, Firefly,” he whispers.

  I don’t make a move to roll off of him, I have no desire to leave this spot. Sprawled out on top of him, his scent surrounding me, but more importantly his warmth and safety surrounding me. I sleep.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  ROXANNE

  I stretch, my body sore in places that haven’t been sore in months. It feels fantastic. I roll over, reaching for Tanner but find the bed cold. Sitting up, I bring the sheet up to my chest. My eyes pop open and I look around the empty room. I expect him to be somewhere, but he’s nowhere to be seen.

  My eyes stop on his cut hanging from the doorknob of my bedroom door, and I let out a breath, a sigh of relief really. Throwing my legs over my bed, I make my way over to my small closet and tug my bathrobe off of the hook.

  I wrap the short floral satin robe around my body. It was a small gift to myself with my first night’s tips. I wanted something pretty, soft, and elegant just for me. Leaving Tanner’s cut on the back of the door, I open it and walk out into the living room.

  I’m surprised to see Melodie sitting at the small dining table, alone. She looks over to me, her eyes darker than normal and her lips pressed in a straight line. It’s then that I know that she heard us last night. I try not to feel embarrassed, but I fail. It’s embarrassing, having someone hear you make love, and that’s what we did, too.

  “I knew you wouldn’t resist him,” she sighs.

  “Where is he?” I ask, ignoring her accusation.

  Melodie tilts her head to the side, her eyes roaming over my face and body. “He went to go get you coffee and donuts,” she explains.

  I try, and fail, to hide my smile. Coffee and donuts. Such a simple thing, but such a normal thing as well. My heart fills with joy, my belly with butterflies at the simple gesture. Walking into the kitchen, I ignore Melodie’s gaze as it follows each step that I take. Instead, I reach for a glass and fill it up with water.

  “He looks like trouble,” she announces.

  Swallowing my mouthful of water, I turn to her. “Why do you say that?”

  She shrugs, turning her gaze to her own glass. “He reminds me of some people I witnessed, the people who destroyed the compound. They were rough like him, wore boots like his, unkempt like him. Everything about him reminds me of them. Maybe I’m not being fair,” she shrugs.

  I grip my glass tighter. She’s being fair, she is and she doesn’t even realize it. She has hit the nail on the head. Tanner is one of them, he’s a Notorious Devil and he was probably there when shit went down. I’ve never asked him, or even let on that I know anything about that part of his club.

  Melodie hasn’t told me much about the men who raided the compound she lived on. She thinks they killed her husband too. I don’t know any real details, but I don’t think she’s far off. On our way from Texas to Canada, the guys brought along a teenager. His name was Chuck, and though he didn’t tell me much, I do know that he was at one of these compounds like Melodie. He didn’t seem like he enjoyed it nearly as much as she did, though.

&nbs
p; “Tanner is a good man, with a good heart, even if he seems a little rough,” I smile.

  In reality, Tanner is one of the cleanest cut men at the clubhouse. He doesn’t have a beard, his hair is always neatly trimmed, and he’s a stickler for tucking his shirt in. Even his room is immaculate. I’ve seen some of the other men’s rooms, they were disgusting and completely uninhabitable.

  Melodie opens her mouth to speak but promptly closes it when the front door opens. Turning my head, I look over to the door and my breath whooshes out of me. There he is. In the flesh, gloriously beautiful and holding a coffee tray and a white bag.

  I watch as he kicks the door closed behind him with his boot but otherwise doesn’t move. “C’mere, Firefly,” he grunts.

  Without even a second’s hesitation, I turn and hurry toward him. I crash into his chest, my hands sliding up his body and my arms wrapping around the back of his neck. Tanner dips his chin, his lips graze my own as he groans.

  “You can’t wear this shit when I gotta head back home,” he grumbles.

  “What?” I breathe. I move my head, my lips touching the stubble on his jaw before my tongue slips out and tastes him.

  He chuckles, pressing his mouth against my forehead. “Wanna fuck you, but I don’t have time, it’s a long ride back home,” he murmurs against my head.

  Melodie clears her throat, Tanner’s head pops up and he coughs. “Hey there, got you a couple donuts, too,” he calls out.

  I reach for the coffee, taking the one that says white mocha across the side, knowing that it’s mine. Together, we walk toward the table and sit down with Melodie.

  Tanner tosses the bag in the middle of the table, taking his coffee out of the holder and sucking back a big mouthful. I don’t even have to look at the side of his container to know that it’s a black as night, dark roast.

  “So, Melodie…” Tanner’s voice trails off.

  “Tanner,” she snaps, lifting her chin.

  I reach for the bag, taking out my favorite chocolate dipped old fashioned and then push the bag toward Melodie. She snatches it, obviously mad, upset, hurt—something.

  “You’re going to take Roxie away, right? I mean that’s why you’re here isn’t it?” she asks.

  My heart squeezes at the hurt in her voice, it’s beneath the hostile anger, but it’s there, nonetheless. Tanner shrugs as if it doesn’t mean shit to him that she’s pissed. He takes another gulp of his black sludge before he speaks.

  “She’s my woman, why wouldn’t I want her living with me, don’t you think that’s where she should be?” he asks, arching a brow.

  Melodie lets out a low growl. “She’s been doing really well, Tanner,” she says, sneering his name.

  Tanner doesn’t respond, me on the other hand, I feel anxious about this entire moment. I don’t want Melodie to find out who he is, but I don’t want them to hate each other either. I know she’s possibly just concerned about my welfare, but I also think she’s overstepping.

  “Melodie, I’m okay. We haven’t decided on anything one hundred percent,” I say, giving her a smile.

  The chair scoots across the floor and Tanner stands. I watch him walk away toward my bedroom. I don’t follow him, instead, I turn toward Melodie.

  “What is your problem?” I hiss.

  She shrugs. “You’re on the edge, he’s the reason why. Everything was going fine until you brought him back here,” she snaps.

  Standing, I shake my head. “You’re my friend. I love you, but this is my life, not yours,” I point out.

  “The therapist told us no relationships for a while, for at least a year. He walks in, comes in here like he owns the place, and all of a sudden you’re completely smitten?”

  Lifting my hand to my forehead, I feel hot and clammy. “Don’t act like this, Mel. You know that me and Tanner, we have a history. I can’t just tell him to fuck off. He told me that he loves me. He says he only wants me, doesn’t care about not having children with me. How do I tell him to just leave after a confession like that?” I ask.

  My heart aches just thinking about trying to turn him away. To be honest, I don’t know if I can. I love him, but then again, I love him way too much to ruin him. No matter what he says now, he doesn’t know that he’ll always feel this way.

  A day will come when I won’t be enough. A day will come when he will regret being with me, when he will resent my illness and the fact that I cannot give him a family.

  “You just did,” Tanner grunts.

  I spin around to look at him, my hand flying up to my jaw-dropped mouth. “Tanner,” I breathe.

  He shakes his head. “Don’t bother. Thanks for the pity fuck though, it was good to get my dick wet.” Without another word he turns and walks out of the apartment. He slams the door behind him, and the finality is something that you can almost see swirling around in the air.

  I don’t waste a second, my feet move, I run after him. Melodie calls my name, but I ignore her. I need to get to him. I need to talk to him. I need to keep him. It doesn’t take me long to reach his side. I fist the side of his leather cut in my grip, tugging as hard as I can to stop his quick gait.

  Tanner’s angry green eyes are like nothing I’ve ever seen before. He takes a step forward, forcing me to back up until I’m pressed against the wall of the hallway.

  “You either come with me now or we’re done. I’m taking the fourteen days off of the table,” he barks.

  I flinch from the anger that is swirling around me. My eyes move quickly, searching his face, but not really seeing anything. “Tanner,” I whisper.

  “You only fuck me last night because I told you how I felt about you?” he asks, cutting straight to the point.

  My bottom lip trembles. I should tell him yes, or maybe no. To be honest, he’s so pissed off, I’m not sure it would matter what I tell him right now.

  “I love you,” I whisper. “Everything I said, everything I’ve done, it’s been for you.”

  He closes his eyes, he looks like he’s in physical pain, and when he reopens them, the anger is gone and sadness fills his features.

  HOUSTON

  My heart pounds so hard that I’m afraid it’s actually going to leave my body. Roxanne is staring at me, but she isn’t speaking. She isn’t going back to her apartment to change into riding clothes so she can come home. She isn’t fucking moving, except her eyes, they’re all over the goddamn place. Maybe her friend’s concerns are spot on, maybe she isn’t ready, maybe she’ll never be ready.

  I should give her a break. I should come back in a few days when we’ve both cooled down and thought about things. I should do a lot of fucking things. I won’t do any of them. I won’t because this life is too fucking short to sit around and agonize over being in a relationship or not.

  If she loves me as much as she says she does, then it wouldn’t even be a question. As fucked in the head as I am, I’m willing to put my all into her, into us. She doesn’t love me enough to do the same, that much is obvious and although my heart and pride fucking ache over that, I won’t force her to be somewhere she so obviously doesn’t want to be.

  Taking a step back, I lift my hand and scrub my palm down my face. I keep my eyes closed for a moment, inhaling a deep breath before I exhale and open them again. Looking directly into her pretty brown eyes, I let out a sigh. She looks like a frightened rabbit, and not in a sweet and cute way, in a fucking terrified way.

  “I’m done, Roxanne,” I breathe.

  Lifting my hand, I cup her jaw. She leans against my palm, slowly closing her eyes in a long blink before reopening them.

  “What does that mean?” she asks on a whisper.

  Biting the corner of my lip, I shake my head once. “You want me, you’ll have to come to me, Firefly. I love you, but I will not force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I can see that all of this is taking a toll on you. When you’re ready you come to me, you’ll have a place at my side, and in my bed—always.”

  “What if you fall in
love with someone else?” she asks, her concern obvious.

  I smirk, chuckling a bit. “Roxanne, there’s only one woman I’m capable of loving. That’s you.” My hand falls from her face and I take another step backward.

  “You’ll realize, Tanner. You’ll see that this was the right thing. This was the right decision.”

  My eyes don’t leave hers, I speak, and I hope to fucking Christ that she hears me this time. “That’s where you’re wrong, Roxanne. This, right here, it’s the biggest mistake of your life, Firefly. You’ll see, and you’ll come to me. I know that you will. Until then, I’ll be waiting.”

  Turning from her, I walk away without a word. I don’t fight, my fight is gone. She’s made it clear time and time again that she doesn’t value herself enough to be at my side. She has to see it in herself, she has to see her worth, at least a portion of it, in order for me to show her the rest.

  As much as I want to, I cannot force us. I can’t be the cause of her mental decline, just one morning with her, and her roommate’s bullshit, and it began all over again. Walking away right now kills me, but I just want her to be healthy. Hopefully she gets to a point where she feels confident enough to at least seek me out again, though as stubborn as she is, I don’t think that it will ever happen.

  Starting my bike’s engine, I lift my gaze up to where I know her apartment window is. I see the blonde standing at the glass, looking down at me. I figure she’d be smiling and waving at me, but she isn’t. She looks almost, sick.

  Pulling out my phone, I send a text to Snake to cancel any protection for her. She wants to be on her own, she’s fucking got it. Frowning, I push it out of my head, as I turn my bike around and leave this fucking hellhole of a city. I’m going to go home and drown myself in booze, weed, and pussy. Fuck this shit. It hurts too goddamn bad to fall in love.