A Perilous Secret

by Jane Wetherby

  Knowing it would be some time before I was called upon again, I sat myself at my writing desk. Pulling a few fresh pieces of parchment out of the drawer I had been keeping it in, I also uncorked some ink and found my favorite quill that my father had given me.

  Dear Juliana, I wrote, and then paused.

  How was I to word this letter? I had not yet said anything about the colonel to her, or to any of my sisters, for that matter. What would she think of me for having found a possible husband in such a short amount of time? Would she be angry? Would she understand?

  There was no way to know unless I asked.

  I write to you with a heavy heart, laden with many questions that I cannot seem to find the answers to. My dear aunt and uncle asked me to come to Bath with them so that I might find a possible suitor, as I am certain no one had any doubts of. Susannah and Isabella were displeased, feeling rather left out. But Lord and Lady Voss, with whom we are staying, only had enough room for one additional companion. Now that I am here, though, I wish that I had a sister to lean upon, as I am very much in need of counsel.

  I sat back in my seat and stared out the window. It was not my intention for the letter to be quite so morose as it seemed to be, but it seemed that my heart was heavier than even I had realized.

  I struggled, though, with how to introduce the colonel. There was a part of me that wanted to defend him at once but then another part that wished to lament all my fears on the paper. How could I possibly do both?

  I have been introduced to a gentleman by the name of Colonel Strickland. As his title suggests, he was in the military, though he has recently been discharged.

  I wondered why that was the line I had chosen to start with. It must have been because that was what was most on my mind.

  He is a wonderful man. When I first met him some weeks ago, I thought I had never seen a more handsome person in all my life. His smile was bright and comforting, and at once I felt at ease in his presence. He is quite charming as well, and always seems to know what to say in order to make my heart flutter. And I find myself longing to be around him, wishing to see him…

  That was all true as well. I did wish to be around him. The dancing we had done together at the ball still filled my mind. I could still feel the elation that had filled me the moment I realized he had cut in on the dance I had been sharing with Mr. Franklin. It was quite nearly impossible to believe.

  We have met only a few times, but each time, he has made it quite clear to me that he wishes to see me again. He has gone so far as to surprise me at a ball I attended last night, telling me that he came just so he could see me.

  That truth was enough to make me weak once again. I couldn’t quite believe it. That someone would be so entranced by me… It seemed so much like a dream.

  But unfortunately, my story is not an entirely happy one, I wrote, and realized that my eyes were filling with tears. Oh, how I wished that I could have left it at the positives. How I longed for him to be as wonderful and as perfect as I wished he could be. Why was it that there was this dark, heavy cloud hanging over me, threatening to drench me in its deluge at any moment?

  Lady Voss, with whom I am staying, is the Colonel’s doting aunt. She loves him as much as she would love her own sons. Perhaps more. The first night that I met the colonel, it seemed that she recognized his attentions toward me, for the next day she pulled me aside and began to question me about my upbringing and my connections. Aunt Patience and Uncle Charles have been quite insistent that I am to be recognized as their niece, not as anyone else, so as to make a proper match. It seems Lady Voss must have discerned that I am not as prestigious as we have all claimed I am, for she seems rather hesitant about me now.

  Aunt Patience was the one to determine this. She told me how very protective Lady Voss is of her nephew and that she must have been trying to determine whether or not I would be a suitable match for him.

  It seems I would not be suitable for him, for she told the Colonel to travel to Bristol for her suddenly. He happened upon me painting near the river one day and informed me of his travels. I wondered if it was her intention to separate us.

  I paused, wondering if I was leaning too close to gossip now. I knew that my sister would not care for such trivialities, especially if that were all I would say about the matter. The most important information had still not yet been addressed, and I had whiled away nearly an hour here at my writing desk, considering how to word my struggles to my sister.

  But that is not all that troubles me, I said. There was a very kind pair of women, the wives of the sons of Lord and Lady Voss. They have been very kind to me, recognizing that I know very few people here in Bath and have never been to the city before this trip. The colonel was mentioned in conversation one evening, and both of the women warned me of him and his character. They informed me that his discharge from the military was less than honorable, and that he likely harbored some dark secrets.

  All the fears I had been struggling with for the last few weeks resurfaced as I put my thoughts to the parchment.

  Last night when I spoke to him, he told me that he was indeed discharged from the military, but told me nothing more. But sister… the haunted look on his face. I cannot seem to push it from my mind. Something terrible happened to him. I fear the worst, that he has committed some terrible crime, or that he witnessed something horrific and now is left a broken shell of a man. I worry about life with a man like that. I know him so little…

  Will he be prone to angry outbursts? Will he turn to the drink for relief? These are among the many fears I have, ones that I cannot reconcile with myself.

  Is it wise, if he proposes, to refuse him based on these fears? Are they unfounded? What if I accept and find them to be true?

  Will I ever receive another marriage offer? Is my only choice to marry a haunted man or to end up an old spinster?

  These choices are not fair, sister. And I wish I did not have to make them with so little knowledge to the contrary.

  I took a deep breath, knowing I had put all my thoughts down on the parchment.

  From your letters, dear sister, it seemed that you, too, had a great many questions about Mr. Thorne. How did you reconcile them? How am I to reconcile mine? Oh, how I wish you were here to give me your wisdom and guidance.

  I signed the letter soon after and sealed it, knowing that it would be days before it reached her, let alone days before I received a reply.

  I hoped it would come soon. I knew I would not be able to rest easy until it did.

  14

  There was a knock at my door just as I rose to my feet, the letter I had written to Juliana clutched in my hand.

  “Yes, who is it?” I asked.

  “It’s me, Miss Amelia,” said the voice of Mrs. Bower. “I do not wish to disturb you, but there is a guest that has come to see you.”

  My heart leapt, my throat growing tight. “A guest you say?” I repeated. “And who might that be?”

  “Colonel Strickland, Miss,” she said.

  I knew who it was before she had even spoken. In my heart, I had known it was him.

  What was I to do? I was not ready to see him again, not when I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, unable to collect them. I had just written my heart out on the page for my sister and now felt rather raw and vulnerable. And he chose now to see me? To call upon me?

  “Yes, of-of course,” I said, gripping the back of my chair for support, worried my knees might give way beneath me. “Please let him know I shall be down to greet him momentarily.”

  “Right away, Miss,” Mrs. Bower said, and I heard her retreating footsteps.

  I sagged against the wall, my heart beating so rapidly I was certain it would leap straight from my chest.

  A gentleman calling upon a young lady. That was rather important, was it not? Did he intend to propose to me?

  My breath caught, and my chest grew tight.

  Surely, no… That couldn’t be… right? We had known each other for so little
time.

  I knew very little of what courting looked like or what it involved. I suppose I should have prepared myself better for this.

  I gathered myself, brushing the wrinkles from my skirt, and glanced at my reflection in the mirror. Everything seemed to be in order, aside from the fact that my face was as scarlet as an apple.

  I made my way from the room and found Mrs. Bower standing at the end of the hall. She curtsied to me upon my approach. “Colonel Strickland is waiting down in the parlor,” she said.

  “Thank you,” I said, and did my best to appear as calm and collected as I could descending the stairwell.

  Surely, Mrs. Bower must be thinking the very same thing I was. A gentleman coming to call upon a young lady like this…

  I turned the corner at the foot of the stairs and made my way, slowly, down the hall.

  I still felt so utterly torn. My erratic heartbeat was a mixture of excitement and terror. The only man I had ever considered marrying was here to see me, and yet, there was a rather large part of me that did not want to see him. I feared what he would say, but I feared what I did not know about him even more.

  I took a deep breath just outside the doorway before stepping through.

  Colonel Strickland was indeed there, standing beside the sunny window, his elegant top hat clasped in his hands. He looked so dignified standing there with such importance that it made my heart ache.

  When he turned, his eyes fell on me, and that warm smile spread across his face.

  “Miss Amelia,” he said gently.

  The way he said my name made my heart flutter, and I took a step toward him. My mind may have been a mess of questions and doubts, but my heart knew. It knew that it wanted him.

  I remembered my father warning me that the heart was wicked and deceitful above all things, and that I should not listen to its call.

  His words gave me pause, and I stopped some distance from the man.

  I curtsied to him just as angry footsteps echoed down the hall along with squabbling voices.

  Two women stepped into the room: Lady Voss and Aunt Patience.

  Lady Voss’s face was flushed with rage, while Aunt Patience appeared to be doing her best to subdue the infuriated woman.

  “I thought I heard your voice,” snapped Lady Voss, striding past me as if I did not even exist. “You come all the way here and do not even ask to see me? Your beloved aunt?”

  The colonel bowed his head. “My apologies, dear aunt. You are indeed quite important to me. However, my intention today was to see Miss Amelia. And if it would not behoove you, Lady Voss, I should like to speak with her alone.”

  A chill ran down my spine. Alone?

  Lady Voss let out a rather undignified gasp. “The impertinence,” she said, her nostrils flaring.

  “My Lady, please…” Aunt Patience said.

  “You have no part in this, Lady Hayward,” Lady Voss said.

  “And neither do you, dear aunt,” Colonel Strickland said in a very cool tone. “My business is with Miss Amelia, and perhaps her family as well.”

  I was aghast. He had challenged her so openly, without restraint. He truly wished to speak with me alone and did not care that his aunt despised the fact.

  “You are quite ungrateful, William, spitting on my good nature in such a preposterous manner. Do you not see what I have done for you? It was my tutelage that groomed you into the man you are, and without me, you would be nothing. Yet this is how you repay me? By choosing some… some woman with unknown origins? You will be bringing dishonor on the family by marrying someone without any reputable history, even more so than the choices you made that caused your discharge from the military.”

  “My Lady!” Aunt Patience said, gasping.

  “Oh, do not pretend to be so surprised, Lady Hayward,” Lady Voss sneered. “I know very well that you have touted this woman as your niece yet having never told me anything of her parents. For all I know, she is the daughter of some poor farmer and would have nothing to offer someone in my family.”

  “Are you so proud of your own line, dear aunt?” Colonel Strickland. “Is your status so important to you that you would sacrifice the happiness of those you loved most just to maintain the image that you portray to society?”

  Lady Voss staggered, her hand over her heart. “How dare you,” she said, her voice dropping. “You think that you can speak to me in such a way?”

  “I can, and I have,” the colonel said. “Scratch my name from the list of your family, dear aunt. I care not. It seems you have already determined that I have brought dishonor to the family by my actions during my time in the service.”

  “William, surely you cannot be serious,” she said. “Of all the beautiful young ladies I have introduced you to, encouraged you toward, you have chosen her?”

  “I have,” the colonel said with a firm nod. “And I am deeply sorry, dear aunt, but there is nothing you can say or do that will change my mind.”

  Aunt Patience let out a little whimper behind us.

  “Well, how wonderful for you,” Lady Voss said to Aunt Patience. “It seems your scheming has worked, hasn’t it? You bring this little girl with you with no reputation and have managed to find her a husband. How fortunate for her.” Her eyes rounded on me, wide and angry. “I will have you know, young lady, he is to inherit nothing himself. So I hope that you will enjoy being poor, for the rest of your lives are to be miserable.”

  She lifted her skirts and turned on her heels, storming from the room only to reappear a moment later.

  “I did my best to take care of you, William,” she said. “I could have looked past your mistakes, even hidden them, if you had only let me find you a wife that could return you to the status that our family belongs.”

  “Goodbye, dear aunt,” Colonel Strickland said with a bow.

  She swelled like a furious hen and stalked away.

  Aunt Patience remained just inside the door, staring after her. “Well, I never…”

  “My deepest apologies, Lady Hayward,” the Colonel said. “I imagine my aunt’s words were rather hurtful.”

  Aunt Patience brushed the front of her dress, straightening her shoulders. “I must admit, I am rather displeased at her display of anger. And to hear that she thinks so little of my husband and me, thinking that we would be so utterly deceiving.”

  “I think you and your husband are wonderful people, worthy of all the wealth in the world. I wish there were more thoughtful people like you both in society and fewer of those like my self-righteous aunt and my dimwitted uncle.”

  My eyes widened as he spoke. To be so brazen with his words…

  “Well,” Aunt Patience said. “It cannot be helped. Perhaps Lady Voss needs some space, and then we can discuss the things she has said to me. I shall not allow her to treat me so, nor you, my dear Amelia.”

  I smiled at her. “Thank you, Aunt Patience.”

  She nodded. “Allow me to excuse the two of you,” she said, stepping out of the room. “If you need anything, I shall be down in the study with Sir Hayward.”

  She gave me a broad smile before leaving, closing the door behind her.

  Silence fell in the room, though I could clearly hear the sound of my heart beating in my ears.

  I looked up and saw the colonel staring at me. He slowly set his hat down on a small, round table, his eyes never leaving mine. He took a methodic step toward me.

  “I imagine it is now clear why I have come to call on you today,” he said in a low, soft voice.

  I tried to swallow, but my throat was as dry as a stone.

  He took another step toward me.

  I was numb and could not move.

  “Miss Amelia,” he said, and there was a croak in his words. “I have known you for such a short time, but I have no doubt in my mind about what it is that I want. You are a gem, a treasure like I have never known. The depth of your soul drew me to you and held me fast. I have never met someone with such a bright soul, with such understanding of t
he world, and yet a curiosity all the same.”

  The way he described me… It felt as if he had known me for so many years, and yet, it was as if he described a different person entirely. I could not wrap my mind around it.

  “My aunt’s insistence that I should not seek you made me that much more certain that you were the only one that I could ever imagine giving my heart to,” he said, taking yet another step closer to me.

  He was so close, I could see the flecks of gold around the centers of his blue eyes and feel the warmth of his smile as if it were the sun.

  “I feel as if I have inadequate words to say,” he said with a low laugh. “I have thought of this day for some time now, what I might say if I were to propose to someone. And after last night, I knew I could not spend one more day without you knowing how I felt. When I saw you dancing with Mr. Franklin last night, it pained me more than words can say, and I—”

  “No,” I said.

  “No?” the Colonel said. “What do you mean, no?” All of the joy had left him, as if it had been drawn away in a strong gust of wind.

  “I…” I said. “I cannot marry you. I’m sorry.”

  And I turned and fled, my heart nearly bursting from my chest.

  15

  I ran, though I knew not where. I did not recognize the places I fled to, only knowing that it was away and different. The heat of the sun blazed outside, though I felt none of its warmth. Chills ran up and down my spine, and my legs grew numb as my feet pounded against the cobbles.

  I took turn after turn, ignoring the gasps of the proper ladies and gentlemen of Bath as I ran.

  I heard voices calling out after me, including that of the colonel. But I needed to put distance between us.

  I wasn’t sure why I had said no before he had even asked me properly. It simply came out before I was able to stop it. After his grand speeches and standing up to his aunt like he had, I had been preparing to accept his proposal in my mind.

  But when the two of us were alone, I was unable to keep my fears suppressed. I was upset, and all those questions I had were still yet unanswered.