Always, Ella

by Sofia Sawyer

  Did I just lose him?

  If she did, it was her own damn fault.

  The morning was perfect, and she had gone and messed it all up because she let the real world come barreling into their safe love bubble. For a moment, she had almost forgotten any worries she had. Jackson had a way of making her feel like she was on top of the world and that things would be fine, even when facing adversity head-on.

  And what did she do the moment she came face-to-face with her fears without warning? She went and made Jackson feel like he was nothing, and it was all his fault, just like how Brad and the others had made her feel most of her life. She reverted to the mentality that the world was out to get her and put her walls right back up, effectively blocking out one of the very few people who accepted her for who she was.

  Would he ever forgive me?

  As if knowing exactly what Elena needed to do, Marley sauntered up carrying her leash. Elena pat her head. She needed to go to his apartment to talk to him and make this right.

  But before she could head out the door, Mae appeared.

  “Knock, knock. Anyone home?” Mae called out as she poked her head in the front door.

  “Hey, Mae. Not to be rude, but I need to talk to Jackson. I really messed up.”

  Mae nodded. “That’s why I’m here. Maybe we should take a seat?”

  Elena’s stomach bottomed out. It wasn’t like Mae to be so serious. Her face didn’t hold a hint of her normal good-natured spirit, which only worried Elena more.

  “What’s going on?” Elena asked as they sat together on the sofa.

  “Okay, look,” Mae started, taking a big breath. Her shoulders rose to her ears with tension. “I can tell Jackson really cares for you. He always has, you know?” Mae took Elena’s hands. “I know you still feel like the scared outcast from when you were a kid, but you don’t realize how much you’ve grown and changed over this last year. I also know how hard it is for you to feel safe enough to lean into that.”

  Elena hung her head and nodded, unable to form coherent words. This morning was full of emotions and hard truths.

  “I don’t know what happened between you and Jackson, but I love you both so much. I don’t want you guys to go back to not talking again.” Mae sank back into the sofa, her eyes trained on the ceiling. “You’ve been good for him too.”

  “I have?” Elena’s voice was a whisper. That one statement made her feel a sense of pride and peace.

  “Mhm. Jackson’s always been a happy guy. Clearly. But there was something different about him these last few days. There wasn’t that same restlessness about him. He seemed…whole. If that makes sense?”

  Elena groaned as the guilt ate at her stomach. “God, I really screwed up this morning.”

  Mae wrapped her arm around Elena’s shoulders, squeezing her in a reassuring hug. “He’s hurting,” she admitted.

  Elena sprung to her feet, anxious to work through this. “I have to get over there and talk to him.”

  “You going to tell him you’re in love with him too while you’re there or what?” Mae cocked an eyebrow, a shit-eating grin filling her face as she settled back on the sofa like she owned the place.

  She stopped in her tracks. “H-how? What?”

  Mae rolled her eyes. “C’mon, Elena. I’ve been friends with you forever. If there was ever a time to pull your head out of your ass, it’s now.”

  “You’re right.”

  “Wow.” Mae looked stunned. “Not even going to put up a fight or overthink everything? I at least expected a pros and cons list in typical Elena fashion.”

  Elena threw a pillow at her. “Shut up. If there’s anything I’m sure about, it’s how I feel about him. No overthinking needed for once.”

  Mae popped up to her feet and slapped Elena on the ass. “Go get your man. Even if he is my brother.”

  Just as Elena grabbed her purse, her cell phone rang. Christopher’s name flashed across the screen. “Shit. It’s Christopher calling me back. I need to talk to him and do some damage control.”

  She eyed the front door and looked back to her ringing phone, conflicted about what to do.

  “Elena,” Mae said, grabbing her attention. “Jackson will be there tonight. You can tell him then. For now, fix your issue with Berkshire.”

  “He needs to know that what happened between us was more than our deal. Or just sex. Or whatever other awful things I said to him this morning, Mae. I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to lose him.”

  The phone continued to ring, making her pulse spike.

  “And you’ll get to tell him that. Later. Promise.”

  Elena sucked in a deep breath and let it out. “Okay. Okay.” Hitting the answer button, she prayed that she didn’t blow up both her relationship and her career all before noon.

  25

  Jackson

  On more than one occasion, Jackson pulled off to the side of the road on his drive to the docks. He wasn’t ready to face Elena. To face the fact that whatever he thought they were was over. His insides twisted at the thought.

  Everything inside him urged him to turn around. To get an earlier flight and go. Maybe if he didn’t see her again, he could pretend like their fight had never happened. He could rewind back to this morning when she was wrapped in his arms, her bare skin pressed against his as the early morning light streamed through her bedroom window and washed over them in a warm glow.

  That moment where he thought there was nothing in the world better than being there with her.

  He could live in denial a little while longer and hold onto that memory.

  Hold onto the belief that they could work.

  That she was still his.

  He pulled himself together and put his car in drive, easing back onto the highway. He’d made a promise to her, and he was damn well going to keep it. He’d prove to her that he didn’t run away from his problems.

  Jackson wouldn’t bail on her, no matter how much it killed him.

  He made it to the harbor cruise dock on time. When Elena strolled up in a form-fitting dress that accented every curve of her body⁠—curves he had buried himself deep in barely twenty-four hours ago⁠—he felt like all the air had been sucked from his lungs. How was he ever going to walk away from her willingly?

  He’d given himself a pep talk before arriving with the stern reminder that he needed to keep his head straight. Elena had made it clear he was just a stand-in boyfriend, and although they’d crossed an unspoken line in her apartment, nothing about their deal had changed. He had to remain neutral.

  That’s going to be fucking impossible.

  “Hi,” she greeted, her voice sounding exhausted and defeated. Her small smile didn’t reach her eyes. “You clean up well.”

  “You too.”

  “Jackson, about earlier—”

  “Hey, guys!” Maritza said as she and Max strolled up with the rest of the group. “We were just talking about going out after the events tonight. Since it’s our last official night of filming, we decided to grab a few drinks and celebrate. Wanna come?”

  Jackson rubbed the back of his neck and flashed a look at Elena before responding. “I can’t. I have to finish packing.”

  “Pack?” Natalie asked.

  He glanced at Elena again, seeing the ever-so-subtle furrowing of her eyebrows. If they even had a tiny chance of working things out, he knew this would be the nail in their coffin. He felt it in his gut.

  “Yeah. I have another work trip. I actually leave first thing in the morning after the wrap party.”

  Elena stiffened.

  “How long is your trip for this time?” Hari asked.

  Jackson shrugged. “Indefinitely for now. My business plans fell through, and now I need to roll with it.”

  Natalie swatted at Jackson and laughed. “You two are such an inspiration. You manage to keep that love going despite all your travel.”

  “Yeah. ’Ship goals, for sure,” Maritza commented as she wrapped her arms around Max and kissed
him.

  “We make it work,” Elena murmured and forced a smile.

  Always keeping up appearances for others. Still. Her half-smile gave the impression that she knew all about his travel, and she was okay with it.

  He wished she could just be real. For him.

  Natalie shimmied up the ramp to the cruise. “Who’s ready for some cocktails?” she sing-songed.

  Ana raised a hand. “Me. For sure.”

  “Ditto!” Maritza looped her arm through Ana’s, and they followed Natalie onto the sunset cruise.

  Elena took an unsteady step forward. Jackson’s hand instinctively went to the small of her back as he ushered her up the dock to the boat. He felt her flinch slightly before picking up her pace purposely so his hand would fall away.

  He felt like his throat was closing. His chest was caving in. She was the one who rejected him this morning, and now she had the audacity to act hurt when she found out he was leaving? Something didn’t add up. He needed to get to the bottom of it. Even if she didn’t feel the same about him, he wanted to clear the air.

  “Elena, I should explain⁠—”

  “Hey, guys!” Stephanie welcomed, cutting him off. Jackson did a double-take. Normally dressed in a tank, ripped jeans, and her Converse sneakers, Stephanie was now in a beautiful dress with her hair and makeup styled.

  “Wow, Stephanie. You’re stunning,” Elena commented genuinely.

  “As much as I prefer sneakers to heels, we had to look the part for the symphony later. The venue warned us that we wouldn’t be allowed in if we didn’t meet the dress code, even if we were just filming in the lobby.” Stephanie nodded to the camera guys on the ship. “Got them to dress up too, although they fought me on it until the eleventh hour.” She winked. “I know how to wear them down.”

  “Well, you look great!”

  “As do you two.” Stephanie moved aside. “Come on board. The rest of the group’s out on the bow for cocktail hour. It’s a gorgeous day for the sunset cruise. We couldn’t have asked for better weather for the final night of shooting.”

  “I’d have to agree,” Rachel said as she strolled up with a glass of champagne in hand, Celeste alongside her. The red-headed bombshell smiled coyly. “I’ll always be a city girl, but Charleston’s grown on me. It’s just so…relaxing.” She pushed her hair over her shoulder. “Whatever that means.”

  Rachel’s gaze roved over Elena, and her casual demeanor transformed to all business again. “But before we can enjoy, there are a few things we still need to discuss.”

  Elena nodded, looking like a kicked puppy. “Of course.”

  Celeste flashed Jackson a smile. “You don’t mind if we steal your girl for a moment, do you?”

  Jackson shot Elena a look, trying to see if she were alright, but she wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Sure. Do whatever you need to.”

  Jackson watched them disappear into a private room on the boat, worried that the execs at Berkshire found out about their fake relationship before Elena had a chance to tell them.

  “What was that about?” Stephanie asked.

  “Not sure.” His stomach turned. If the truth did come out like that, he wished he could be there to support her for what was likely to be a difficult conversation.

  “Well, hopefully, Rachel and Celeste can get Ella to snap out of whatever funky mood she’s in. She seemed off. Everything okay?”

  “Maybe she’s just a little bummed that tonight is the last night. That all of this is almost over.”

  “Well, we need to make sure this last day of filming really hits all the right notes. Celeste emphasized how we need to wow the execs, especially since it’s the first time since we’ve done anything like this. If all goes well, this could be a great marketing strategy to add to our arsenal for our non-fiction writers. It will set us apart from other media companies. We can’t have Ella fall flat right at the finish line.”

  “I’ll try to loosen her up.”

  “Thank God for the open bar,” Stephanie whispered to Jackson and winked.

  He followed her to the top deck, where the rest of the crew and group were hanging out. Every few minutes, he’d eye the stairway to see if Elena was coming up. The minutes felt like hours while he waited.

  Eventually, she appeared, pale-faced as she trailed behind Rachel and Celeste.

  “Well, it’s safe to say have a lot to accomplish,” Rachel snapped as she waved her empty flute to the bartender. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and smiled when she saw the cameras milling around.

  “I’ve already made some calls,” Celeste commented as she sipped her martini and eyed Elena. “You should spend time with Jackson. We already lost nearly an hour of footage talking downstairs.”

  “Sure. Of course. Sorry,” Elena said as she made her way to him.

  Jackson felt uneasy as they sipped cocktails with everyone. All night he had been torn between wanting to give Elena her space and telling her how he felt.

  Something obviously went down with the Berkshire team, and judging how Elena would occasionally get lost in thought, it was clear she had a lot on her plate. He shouldn’t add to it, but Mae’s words kept ringing in his head.

  “If it were me, I would at least want to know the truth…I wouldn’t want to be sitting in some remote beach across the world wondering what if.”

  Even if the smartest decision was to let this go, could he live with the “what ifs” when he left Charleston again this weekend?

  Tormented emotions coursed through Jackson as he thought about leaving her. Last night aside, he had fallen hard for her, deeper than he ever could explain. Every time he looked at her, every time he smelled her flowery perfume or heard her laughter fill the air, it crushed him.

  What was real? What wasn’t?

  Images of his hands running along the smooth curves of her body flashed in his mind. The taste of her skin⁠—a mixture of her natural sweetness mixed with the minerality from the rain-filled his mouth. The way her eyes locked on his as he moved inside her would be forever burned in his mind. He held back a strangled noise in his throat.

  She had ruined him.

  Elena might have made it feel like he was nothing more than a pawn in her attempt to save face, but⁠—as a friend⁠—he felt like he should explain why he was leaving and how he felt about her, even though it probably didn’t matter.

  As they cruised around the harbor while the sunset cast a beautiful orangy-pink glow along downtown, he tried to find the nerve again. He needed to see her reaction, to know for sure this really was just about the deal.

  To silence the what-ifs.

  “I’ll be here through the wrap party,” he blurted out, startling her from whatever chat she was having with Maritza.

  She turned to him, her expression unreadable. “Oh?”

  Taking her by the elbow, he excused them and pulled her to the side. “This wasn’t how things were supposed to go.” He shoved a hand through his hair. “I was planning on staying. But I just wanted you to know that I’m not leaving before I see this through.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  He took in her closed off and wary expression. “That’s it? After everything this week, you don’t have any thoughts about me leaving?”

  Say you don’t want me to go. Say you’ll miss me. Say anything.

  “You said you didn’t know how long you’d be gone for.” She crossed her arms, not in a defensive way but more like she was trying to hug herself for comfort. “What am I supposed to say to that?”

  He reached out to her, but she took a step back. He let his arms fall. “Anything, Elena.”

  “You’re leaving, Jackson. For God knows how long.” She let out a breath. “I’ll apologize for what I said to you this morning. For how I reacted. It was wrong, and you didn’t deserve that. But...” She looked at her feet.

  His heart leapt into his throat. “But?” He stepped closer and put a thumb gently to her chin, forcing her to look at him.

  “You’re l
eaving,” she repeated. “What could we possibly say to each other that would make a difference?” She shook her head, pain flashing across her face.

  “Elena, please—”

  “There you are,” Stephanie said as she approached them. “It’s time for dinner. We need you at the table.” She took Elena’s hand, pulling her away from him.

  Jackson could have screamed. Another fucking person interrupted their conversation tonight. This was their moment. They were so close. He was going to do anything he could to get through to her. To tell her that despite him leaving, whatever they had to say to each other could make a difference.

  His love for her could make the difference. And if she loved him back, then that’s what mattered.

  He ached to tell her, but every chance he got the nerve to pull her aside again, someone else came into the mix, ruining their chance for a few moments alone.

  All through dinner, there was constant excited chatter, creating a buffer between them. And as they left the harbor on a party bus and headed for the symphony orchestra, the conversation floating around them made it impossible to talk to her about it.

  Even if he couldn’t have a chance to talk to her now, he had to do something. Anything to really confirm where they stood. He couldn’t go off to destinations unknown without knowing for sure.

  He put his pride and hurt aside and took her hand⁠—an olive branch⁠—and rested them on her thigh. She flinched just a fraction but allowed her hand to stay, doing her best to touch him as little as possible without setting off red flags for the rest of the group.

  Natalie nudged him. “Here. Pass this to Ella,” she said as she handed him a flute of champagne.

  Rather than taking the glass with her free hand, Elena slipped her hand from his to accept it.

  She didn’t try to reach for him again, and that’s what said it all. The knife in his heart twisted.