The Million Pieces of Neena Gill

by Emma Smith-Barton

  And then there’s this long silence. We’re two strangers sitting on a mattress on the floor in a damp room in a house where I reckon the curtains are closed throughout and every room smells of either weed or damp. Jay’s looking at me like he’s waiting for me to say something. Which I probably should. I just don’t know where to start, now that I’m actually here.

  ‘You gonna drink that?’ he asks, nodding at my glass.

  Realizing how thirsty I am, I down half the blackcurrant juice. It’s different but nice. Sort of fizzy, refreshing. I burp suddenly, a long, fat belch, which is totally devastating, but Jay finds it the funniest thing in the world. He pats my back while chuckling, like we’re old friends.

  ‘So,’ he says, when he finally stops laughing. He rubs his hands together. ‘Fi said you wanted to meet me?’

  I look at him. Why does he have to be so damn cute? It’s not exactly helping me concentrate. My mouth is dry again so I drink some more of the blackcurrant juice. But not too much this time because I don’t want to burp again.

  ‘You … you knew my brother,’ I say, taking in this information myself properly for the first time.

  I try to think now. Did he ever mention Jay? I can’t remember. I don’t think so. He had this whole life I didn’t know about. Parties and friends I’d never met. Did he hang out here often? Did he maybe even kick off his shoes and sit on this mattress next to Jay?

  My stomach is burning now.

  I need to know everything.

  ‘Yeah, man,’ Jay says, nodding. ‘Knew him for years. Good guy, he was. One of my best mates.’

  ‘Years? Best mates?’ I stare at Jay. Had Akash mentioned him? I try harder to remember. Maybe he did and I’ve forgotten, but how could I forget something like that?

  And what if I forget more things? What if I forget him?

  ‘Yeah, yeah.’ Jay says. ‘We were like that.’ He crosses his fingers.

  I stare at Jay’s perfect face. I try to focus on what I need to ask him. ‘So you … saw him that day? The day he disappeared?’

  I hold my breath. My mind’s racing ahead. Did Akash sit downstairs with Jay that evening? Did he smoke whatever was on that table before he went to a party at Fi’s? Maybe swallow some of those pills? Could that explain his disappearance? Was it more than just drinking he was into? I can’t imagine him getting together with Jay and painting.

  Maybe all that would explain things.

  If only I’d been there with him. If only I’d agreed to go to Fi’s party …

  Jay reaches for a lighter from his bedside table. I think he’s going to light a cigarette, but then I see that it’s actually a spliff, the smoke strong and sweet. Shit. My uniform is going to stink. I try not to breathe in. You can get stoned from breathing in secondary smoke. I know that from Fi. I finish the rest of my drink and put the glass down on the carpet next to me. I try to ignore absolutely everything, and just focus on this: he might know something about Akash and this is my chance to find out.

  Jay’s eyes are focused on the blank wall in front of him. After smoking some of his spliff, he finally looks at me.

  ‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘Yeah, he was here.’

  My chest tightens. I wait for him to tell me more. I smile at him, trying to encourage him to give me the details.

  But Jay must misread my smile: he puts the spliff down in the ashtray on the bedside table and leans towards me. His lips press against mine.

  I should pull away. Josh. I’m with Josh. But it actually feels nice, like he really knows what he’s doing, and he smells of expensive aftershave, and he’s Akash’s friend, and older, and he seems to really like me, and –

  No! I pull away. What am I doing? I’m with Josh.

  Jay’s face changes. He scowls. I think that this is it – he’s going to chuck me out. He’s not going to tell me anything at all. But instead he kisses me again.

  This time, I stay perfectly still.

  I’m sorry, Josh.

  After months and months of nothing, finally I have a chance of getting some information about what happened that night. I can’t mess it up. A part of me wants to run out of this room and go to Josh right now. But a part of me is flattered. Jay must think I’m attractive. And he’s seriously gorgeous!

  Most importantly, I’m the only one who can do this. I’m the only one who can find out what happened to my brother.

  When Jay stops kissing me, I take a deep breath. Guilt swirls in my stomach. Jay, on the other hand, looks really pleased with himself. He does this weird nod, bouncing his chin from side to side, as if he’s moving his head to the beat of music.

  I try to focus. ‘So, my brother … he was here …’ I cough to clear my throat. Get rid of the lump that’s growing and growing. I just cheated on Josh. Did I? ‘Can you … can you remember the details of that night?’

  Jay stretches. The muscles in his arms flex. ‘I don’t know. We’d had a lot to drink … Just a normal night, that’s all.’

  I glance at Jay’s spliff. ‘Did you … Did he take drugs too?’

  Jay shrugs. ‘Sure. We often smoked together. But not that night. He was trying to be good.’

  My chest tightens. Akash smoked spliffs. I didn’t know that. But it doesn’t surprise me too much. What else though? What time did he come and go? What exactly did he drink? What did he talk to Jay about? Did he maybe talk about me?

  ‘So he had drunk a lot? More than usual, would you say?’ This is important. If he was really wasted, he might have made some bad decisions that night. It doesn’t mean … It doesn’t mean he planned any of it.

  Jay holds his hands up in the air. ‘Nothing to do with me if he did.’ His face is suddenly closed, lips tight.

  Shit. This is no good. I need him to tell me everything. He reaches for his spliff again, but I grab his hand to stop him. He turns to look at me, surprised, his brown eyes wide and questioning. I’m shocked at myself. But I’m desperate. I realize I’d do anything to find out what happened to Akash.

  ‘I … I just miss him,’ I tell Jay honestly. ‘And I keep thinking that if I can just retrace his steps … back to when he was last seen … If I can just figure out what was on his mind that night …’ The desperation is taking over now – it’s all I’m feeling. ‘He was here one minute, gone the next, and it’s all so goddamn unfair and it sucks, everything sucks.’

  Jay’s face softens a bit. But not enough. He licks his lips. My body tenses, looking at those lips. They’re not going to tell me anything.

  ‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I get that. But I don’t have anything else to tell you.’ He nods at my empty glass. ‘You want another drink?’

  ‘No. No, I’m fine. Thanks though.’ My head is spinning. I need to get my thoughts straight before I have to go.

  Our eyes lock, and he flinches. He knows something. I can tell. Suddenly I’m not feeling nervous at all. Desperation is making my whole body burn.

  My hand is still on his. I squeeze it tight. ‘You were good friends,’ I say, changing the tone, really willing to try anything now. ‘I know it must be hard for you to talk about …’

  I lean towards him. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than him closing off. I kiss him. This, I realize, is the only way I’ll get him to tell me what I need to know.

  ‘Do you remember what time he left here?’ I ask when we stop kissing. ‘It would really help me to know.’

  Jay is still staring at my lips. ‘It was around two in the morning,’ he says.

  So he left Fi’s party – maybe even to go home – and then came here and got more wasted.

  ‘And did you … did you speak to him after that at all?’ I ask. ‘Because one thing still isn’t making sense. He was last seen in town, but why would he have gone there after coming here? Unless he was meeting friends there too? But who?’

  Jay ignores my questions.

  ‘Did he talk to you about me?’ I ask, to distract him, and because it’s the main thing I want to know now. Was he thinking about me at all t
hat night? Did he think twice about leaving me?

  Jay ignores me. He kisses me again. Soft and light. My heart’s racing. He’s my brother’s friend. I feel like putty in his hands. Relaxed. It feels cosy here with him. His kisses are making me tingle all over. He smells so good. I feel … alive. I’m so confused by everything I’m feeling. I know I should leave. I … I want Josh. Not Jay. I think …

  ‘Jay, I … I’d better get back …’

  But he ignores me again. He pushes me gently so that we’re lying on the mattress side by side. I laugh nervously, suddenly not so confident. He presses up against me and slips his hand under my school sweatshirt, and unhooks my bra. I freeze. Shit. What’s he doing? What the hell am I doing?

  I should be in school. With Josh. Shit. Josh.

  Then I hear Fi’s voice calling me from downstairs. ‘Time to go, Neens!’ she shouts.

  Jay freezes. I breathe.

  ‘Neens?’ Fi calls again.

  I jump up, stumbling as I try to get my bra back on.

  ‘It was nice to meet you, Neena,’ Jay says, smiling.

  ‘Er … Yeah,’ I say, not knowing what else to say. I grab my schoolbag, flee down the stairs and follow Fi as she marches towards the car.

  ‘We’ve got five minutes to get back to school,’ she tells me.

  I nod. I don’t want to be late now. But why am I still tingling all over from Jay’s touch? How can I feel so good and so bad at the same time?

  It hits me as I sit down in the car. Any good feelings slip away. Instead, I feel really sick. I just cheated on Josh. And – what would’ve happened if Fi hadn’t called me just then? Oh God, what the hell was I doing?

  Fi starts driving. ‘So?’ she says. ‘Did you find anything out?’

  The blackcurrant juice swishes around in my stomach. It’s going to come back up any second. My stomach’s burning like crazy. ‘What was in that drink?’ I say. My words come out slurred. ‘I feel really weird.’

  ‘Shit, Neens, you drank that?’ She looks at me like I’m really stupid. Which I am. I really am. ‘We’ve got lessons, you know?’

  ‘I … I thought it was blackcurrant juice …’ Everything around me is spinning now. ‘Wasn’t it?’

  We stop at the traffic lights, and Fi leans across me and rolls down the window. ‘It’s called a snakebite and black. It’s lager and cider. And probably vodka or some other spirit too, knowing that lot.’

  I look at her, confused. ‘And blackcurrant juice?’

  ‘And blackcurrant,’ she says, rolling her eyes. ‘Shit-loads of alcohol and blackcurrant.’

  Oh. I really am stupid.

  ‘If you’re going to be sick, tell me, OK? Don’t do it in the car.’

  I glare at her. I’m drunk in the middle of a school day and I cheated on Josh, and she’s worried about her crappy car?

  She glowers back at me. ‘You’ve only got yourself to blame, Neens.’

  I shrink into myself. She’s right. What the hell was I doing in there? It makes no sense now.

  I’m silent the rest of the way, but I notice my cheeks are wet. Sick rises in my throat; I swallow it down.

  When the car stops outside school, I open the door and puke on to the pavement. It’s all purple liquid. No lumps. I guess I forgot to eat anything this morning.

  Fi rubs my back. ‘You’ll feel better now,’ she says.

  I look at her and burst into tears. ‘He knows something,’ I say. ‘But he wouldn’t tell me.’

  ‘Shh,’ Fi says, pulling me close. ‘Come on now. Don’t cry.’ She hugs me tight. ‘We’ll find out. We’ll get to the bottom of it.’

  I cry into her shoulder until she stops hugging me. ‘We need to get back to lessons now, OK? Can you do that? Or I can … maybe drop you home? Pretend you’re ill?’

  ‘I’m OK,’ I tell her, sniffing. Home is the last place I want to go.

  ‘If he knows something, it’s going to come out,’ Fi says. ‘I promise you.’ And she says it with such certainty that I believe her.

  We slip back into school just in time for lessons; everyone’s going in from the field and so we just join them. It’s so weird. Like it almost never happened. But I’m not going to forget so quickly, however much I want to. My head is still spinning. I can feel Jay’s lips on mine. Taste him. Smell him. I’m an idiot and I hate myself. I keep my head low, hoping I don’t see Josh. I don’t want him to see me like this. I need to figure out what to do next. Do I tell him about the kiss? Kisses.

  I feel sick again.

  I’m not sure how I make it through lessons that afternoon – it’s a bit of a blur. But on the way home from school, my head is clearer. I firmly decide on one thing: no one will ever know about what happened with Jay. Not Josh. Not Fi. Nobody.

  Even I won’t think about it.

  I’m an idiot. This morning, I was happy. But I jinxed it. I jinx everything.

  I can’t ruin things with Josh by telling him about Jay. Instead, I’ll make it up to him. I’ll go home and brush my teeth. I’ll take a shower. I’ll chat to Josh this evening as usual. We’ll carry on like nothing’s happened. I’m not such an expert at that, but I need to learn how.

  But it’s not so easy to forget things, is it?

  It’s the day after the incident with Jay, a Saturday. I’m doing an extra shift at the art centre cafe, trying not to think about what happened, but failing epically. Why did I let him kiss me? Why did I kiss him? How did I let things go so far? Am I really a person who cheats on her boyfriend and then pretends nothing happened?

  I don’t know the answer to any of these questions.

  Everything’s changed. Maybe I have too.

  The cafe is buzzing with the lunchtime rush and I’m crouched on the floor, cleaning up a combination of squashed blueberries and carrot chunks that a family with a baby left behind. The white tiled floor is almost gleaming when a voice interrupts my thoughts.

  ‘Can we talk?’ Raheela’s voice is firm.

  I glance up at her. She’s got one hand on her hip, pressing against her bright blue skinny jeans. Her fuchsia-pink vest top matches her lipstick. She looks bright and neat. My white work T-shirt on the other hand is covered in tomato juice and a dusting of hot chocolate powder. Not exactly my most glamorous moment.

  ‘I’m working …’ I say, standing up to face her. ‘No time for chats.’ I barely slept last night, thinking about Josh and how I can maybe make everything up to him; the last thing I need right now is Little Miss Perfect making me feel even crappier.

  She glances at my hair and frowns. This is exactly the sort of thing I mean. I run my fingers through the strands at the front. OK, so maybe I forgot to brush my hair this morning. But who cares? I try to step past her, but she blocks my way.

  ‘I won’t be long,’ she says, glancing around the crowded cafe. ‘Is there somewhere I can speak to you … in private?’

  I cross my arms. ‘Not really.’ Which isn’t a lie: I’m on my own while Dominic takes his break so I can’t exactly leave.

  ‘Fine,’ she says. ‘We’ll talk here. You’re the one who keeps messaging me at weird times, Neena! So don’t you think we should … you know, actually talk about it?’

  I cross my arms, a bit embarrassed. ‘Fine,’ I say. And I stand there. Waiting. Aware of all the tables that need cleaning. Spit it out then, I think. And then she does.

  ‘I know I haven’t been replying to you properly – I’ve felt so hurt. But I just wanted to say that … I’m sorry … about everything that’s happened between us.’ She dips her chin, suddenly looking very upset. ‘I came over to see you every single day after Akash … Every day!’ Her voice is shaky and I feel like she wants to shout at me. I sort of want her to lose it too. She’s always so contained; it’s annoying. ‘I made notes for you in every lesson. Called you every evening after I left yours, to make sure you were OK –’

  ‘I didn’t ask you to,’ I interrupt.

  ‘I know that,’ she says. ‘But that’s my point – I wan
ted to … But I also wanted you to … to talk to me. To trust me.’

  ‘Should’ve thought about that before you cut me off,’ I say. I turn to walk away, but she grabs my arm.

  ‘You’re the one who shut me out!’ she says. ‘You cut me off! Don’t you get it? We used to talk about everything. And instead you went and talked to … to … Fiona.’

  I cross my arms. So she’s jealous. That’s what this is all about. ‘Yeah, and?’ I say, quite enjoying this now. But I don’t add that Fi gets me. That she knew Akash like I did. Or that she doesn’t mind if I get wasted or if I don’t talk about stuff. She doesn’t judge me.

  Raheela frowns. ‘I just want to know – did I … did I do something wrong? You can talk to me about stuff, you know.’

  I keep my mouth shut. Look down at my feet. It’s me, not you, I could say. I’ve changed. And we could maybe even laugh at that, reel off a whole list of relationship clichés and take the piss out of them. But I just shrug instead.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I mumble. ‘Everything’s just weird. Not how it used to be …’ I want to tell her about what happened with Jay. I want to explain that I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did, and I feel awful about it.

  She nods. ‘Yeah. I know. I do still care though. You know that, right?’

  I look back up at her. Her eyes are soft and kind. I wonder if I can tell her about Josh. I have known her forever, so I know I can trust her. And maybe she’ll help me out, cover for me so that I can see him more often, make up for everything with Jay.

  ‘I’ve got a boyfriend,’ I tell her, before I lose my nerve. And then quickly, before she can react, ‘I’m finding it hard to keep it a secret and see him. It makes me anxious … But he makes me …’ Dare I say it? ‘Happy.’

  She stares at me. ‘Your parents will kill you if they find out,’ she says, like I don’t know that already.

  ‘It’s Josh,’ I tell her.

  She raises her eyebrows. ‘Josh, Josh?’ She looks almost amused, but like maybe she gets it.

  I smile. ‘Yeah. Josh, Josh. And I’m careful. Really careful.’

  ‘I don’t know, Neens … Is this a good idea?’