The Million Pieces of Neena Gill

by Emma Smith-Barton

I push her away. ‘I just need to find Akash.’

  ‘Akash is gone!’ she says, and now it’s her turn to shout.

  But she’s wrong. I see him again, at the end of the lane, leaving the pub on the corner. His jeans are so baggy. I always teased him about that. His thick-soled white trainers splash through puddles.

  ‘There he is!’ I scream. ‘Akash!’

  I run after him, down the dark cobbled lane, and along the alleyway that leads to the bus station. I’m out of breath by the time I get to the station and have to walk instead – I can’t quite keep up with him, can’t reach him. I catch a glimpse of his white trainers as he passes behind buses. Then he climbs the steps to the bridge over the river.

  Of course!

  I climb up after him. There’s lots of traffic and he’s already halfway across the bridge, but there are no other people, only him.

  ‘Akash!’ I call after him. ‘Stop! Please!’

  He spins round to face me. His face is soft and his eyes shine bright as always.

  He has stubble on his cheeks.

  My breath catches in my throat. ‘It really is you,’ I say. ‘You came back!’

  The traffic calms. The stars fade. The moon disappears.

  The moon is full and bright, and I try to focus on that, try to distract myself, but it’s not working. Nothing’s working.

  We’re standing in the middle of the garden, Akash and me. Bare feet on crisp, dry grass. Akash has brought me out here because Mum and Dad are arguing inside. Their voices are getting louder.

  I feel sick. I’m breathing fast, as fast as I can, because there’s not enough air and I need more. My chest is tight. It hurts. My whole body hurts. I try not to cry.

  Akash crouches down next to me. ‘Breathe in deep,’ he tells me, his voice low and calm. ‘Like I showed you, yeah? Deep into your belly.’ He presses his hands against his stomach.

  I nod. Akash knows all about helping me breathe. He’s fourteen and I’m eleven. We’ve done this before.

  I close my eyes, ready to breathe into my belly. But everything – my chest, throat, my whole body – is too tight. Dad’s still shouting but Mum’s now quiet. Somehow that’s even worse. Pain shoots across my chest, up my arms, my legs. ‘I can’t!’ I tell Akash, my eyes flicking open.

  There’s a lump in my throat the size of the moon. The moon has fallen out of the sky and down my throat. That’s impossible, I know, but this is how it feels. The tears I’ve been holding back drip down my cheeks.

  Akash buries his hands deep into his jeans pockets, his eyes bright. ‘You can. Try again. And think of somewhere nice this time. Remember?’

  I nod. Dry my cheeks. Yes, somewhere nice. A happy place. I keep my eyes open this time; focus on Akash’s wonky smile and straight teeth. I picture the seaside we go to in the summer. See Mum and Dad lying on the beach. I hear waves crashing against rocks. Feel my toes sink into warm sand. Smell salt and doughnuts.

  And I breathe. Deep. Into my belly. Eventually, my chest stops hurting. My body feels looser. And, although my chest is still a bit tight, the moon is back in the sky, not in my throat.

  ‘Do you think they’re … getting a divorce?’ I ask, remembering my best friend, Raheela. She cried for months when her dad left. Even in lessons.

  ‘Nah. It’s just a disagreement.’ Akash shrugs. ‘It happens.’

  ‘Really? You’re sure?’

  He nods. ‘Don’t worry, OK?’

  We sit down on the grass, facing away from the house, looking towards the shed at the back of the garden. Mum and Dad are now quiet. Maybe Akash is right.

  ‘You’re very wise,’ I tell him, smiling now.

  Akash laughs. He drapes his arm round my shoulders and I press my face into his soft, cosy hoody. He smells like he always smells: of deodorant, mints and cigarette smoke. ‘Yeah, full of the wisdom, me! What would you do without me, eh?’

  Akash walks across the bridge towards me. My legs are heavy and my throat aches. But I manage to step towards him too. And then we’re so close we could touch. Rain falls on us, soft as snow.

  ‘I knew you’d come back for me,’ I whisper.

  Akash tilts his head. ‘Is it you?’ he says. ‘You … you look different.’

  ‘Of course it’s me!’ My throat hurts. ‘Have I changed that much?’

  He scratches his chin. ‘No, no …’ he says. ‘It’s great to see you.’

  ‘Yes,’ I say, my breath as light as air. ‘You too.’ And then I reach out. I reach out to touch him.

  Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

  Time.

  Slows.

  Down.

  Like the beating of my heart.

  A car beeps its horn. I catch my breath. I touch him. My brother. I touch my brother’s arm. And his hoody is damp, but it’s also soft, and I feel the warmth of him through it.

  Light fills the sky. The sun comes out. A warm breeze blows over us.

  I sink into his soft white hoody. It smells of smoke and deodorant and whisky and mint. I breathe him in. Hold him tight. My whole body shakes.

  I’ve missed you, I want to say. I love you. But the words are stuck in my chest.

  ‘Where did you go?’ I manage to ask, the words scratching out of my throat.

  Akash shrugs. ‘I … I’ve been busy,’ he says. ‘But it’s been good seeing you.’

  I gaze into his shiny dark eyes. I want to stare into them forever.

  ‘I’ve got to go,’ he says.

  The sky darkens. Stars peek through the darkness, half lit, shy. A moon, full and bright, appears, and then dies.

  ‘No,’ I say. ‘Don’t leave me. Please. Take me with you.’

  Try to be happy, Neens. You deserve that. Be happy.

  ‘Please,’ I say again. ‘Please don’t leave me.’

  Akash steps away. ‘I’m sorry. But I really have to go.’

  I lunge towards him and grasp hold of his arm. ‘Take me with you,’ I beg. ‘I want to go with you.’

  He tilts his head. Smiles his sweet, crooked smile. ‘Yeah?’ he asks. ‘You sure?’

  I nod, feeling suddenly calm. I let go of his arm.

  ‘YEAH!’ he shouts, punching his fist in the air.

  Then he jumps up on to the ledge of the bridge; holds out his hand.

  I take it. He grabs mine. And then I’m up, standing next to him, and we hold on to each other tight.

  His fingers press against mine, and I feel light and strong. My heart is on fire. I’m half bird, half lion.

  Akash roars at the darkness.

  ‘I used to be afraid of heights,’ I tell him, remembering the old me.

  He squeezes my hand. ‘Are you scared now?’

  I smile. ‘For once in my life, no.’

  He grins. ‘Don’t let go of my hand, OK? We’ll do it together.’

  I nod. ‘OK.’

  I look out at the black water and the black sky. It’s hard to tell where the water ends and the sky begins. It looks so peaceful out there, in all that still darkness; I want to plunge into the eternal quiet. Away from all the loud thoughts in my head. Away from Fi and Josh. Away from Mum and Dad. And any new brother.

  I have a brother and he’s here. Akash is here.

  My heart races. ‘What will it feel like?’ I ask him.

  ‘What do you want it to feel like?’

  I spread out my arms, picturing a bird gliding in a windless sky. ‘Flying. I want it to feel like flying.’

  Akash smiles. ‘It does,’ he says, nodding. ‘It feels like flying!’

  The fire in my heart spreads. It bursts across my chest. Down to my stomach.

  ‘I’m a bird,’ I say. ‘I’m free!’

  ‘Yeah!’ Akash says. ‘YEAH!’

  I lift my arms, and I grow wings. Akash raises his arms too. I look at him, at his spiky black hair and his smooth brown skin and his big, brown, shining eyes. The world swirls around us like hundreds of fireworks. Just like my sky-sea painting at home.

  ‘This is the hap
piest I’ve ever been!’ I say.

  And Akash grins. ‘You’re happy!’

  I nod. ‘Yeah! Yeah, I am.’

  The bridge sways. My feet lift slightly off the ledge.

  ‘Ready?’ Akash asks.

  ‘Ready,’ I say.

  He grasps my hand again, squeezes it tight. ‘One,’ he says. ‘Two …’

  I close my eyes.

  Together, we say: ‘Three.’

  But instead of falling forward, into the water, I slip backwards. The concrete smacks hard against my back. Someone screams. All the air is pulled out of my lungs.

  There are voices. ‘Neena! Neens!’

  Car horns beep. Tyres screech. My back, arms, head – everything – throb.

  ‘NEENA!’

  I open my eyes. The sky is black. The moon is black. I can’t see Akash. Rain is falling, making everything blurry. Is that why I can’t see him?

  I try to sit up, but something’s holding my arms down. It’s hard to breathe. I catch a glimpse of Josh’s face. And then Fi’s. I try to break free of whatever’s holding me down, but the pressure gets stronger.

  ‘Akash!’ I shout.

  But I can’t see him and I can’t smell him and I can’t feel his hand in mine any more. I smell Fi’s hair, sweet like grapefruit, wet against my face as she hugs me.

  Akash isn’t here.

  Rain splashes around me. The weights on my arms loosen. Someone is propping me up. I rub the back of my head, where pain is swelling.

  ‘Neens,’ Josh says, grabbing my hand, kissing it. ‘Jesus Christ, Neens.’ He pulls me close. His arms are tight round me. I breathe him in, zest and sweetness. Tears roll down Fi’s face, and I know why she’s crying.

  My chest aches.

  I look around, all around, around, around.

  But he’s not there.

  I scream into the darkness.

  Akash is gone.

  He’s gone.

  Fi, on the phone. Her cheeks wet, black from mascara. Traffic goes past: whooooosh. Josh. My Josh. His arm round my shoulders. Warm breath against my ear. A car screeches. Another voice. Chris. I’m being lifted. Cradled. I lie down. Back seat of the car. Head in Josh’s lap. Voices – muffled, distant. Rain hammering the roof as we move.

  Then we stop. Josh slips away. He returns, helps me sit up. Fi too. And then we’re walking. Rain, puddles, splashing. A building. Hospital? Doors open. A gush of cool air. Snap shut behind us.

  A man at a desk. No hair. Beard. Fi talking, crying, talking, crying. Josh talks too. Gentle. Calm. The man looks me up and down. Stands up. Calls someone across the waiting room. A woman. Glasses. She comes over and listens to them talking all at once. Leads me into a room. Fi. Fi. Josh has disappeared.

  Woman with glasses checks my back, my neck, my head. ‘Anything hurt?’ she asks. The throbbing in my head seems to have stopped. I shake my head. ‘I just want Akash,’ I tell her. ‘Mum’s having a baby. But it’s Akash I want.’ Fi. Next to me. Sobbing again. The woman writes things down. Asks more questions. ‘Akash,’ I tell her. ‘Akash.’ My answer is always Akash.

  Then there are two new women. One with a wide smile and eyes like black pebbles. The other woman is tall, hair the colour of lightning. The lightning woman is frowning; clutching a clipboard.

  And then we’re moving again. All of us together, but not the woman with glasses. Josh is back.

  More doors open. Close. A long corridor. Narrow. Still hospital?

  Mum’s in hospital. Are they taking me to Mum? I don’t want to see her, although I can’t remember why.

  Fi clutches my arm. Josh holds my hand. Josh’s hand is sweaty. Nervous? We follow the women and the corridor goes on and on. I have a sinking feeling inside. I’m not sure the corridor will ever end. I stop walking.

  ‘Where are we?’ I ask. Chipped pale yellow walls and tiled floor surround us.

  Fi and Josh are quiet.

  ‘Why have you brought me here?’ I ask.

  The women usher us into a room. It’s bright with peach-coloured walls and lots of blue chairs.

  The women sit down. ‘Take a seat,’ the frowning woman says to us.

  I look at Josh and Fi. Fi nods. Josh copies her. We sit in a row opposite the women. Everyone looks at me. What are they staring at? The frowning woman stares especially hard.

  ‘Hello, Neena, I’m Dr Evans and this is Bethany, one of the psychiatric nurses,’ she says. ‘Your friends tell us your thoughts are very muddled. They think you’re behaving unlike yourself and they’re worried you may be a danger to yourself. We’re trying to contact your parents, but we can’t get hold of anyone at the moment. We’ll keep trying.’

  Thoughts … Muddled … Unlike yourself … Contact your parents … It all hits me, and I finally understand why they’ve brought me here.

  ‘You’re working with Mum and Dad, aren’t you?’ I say, standing up. ‘All of you. You want to kill me!’ I look at Josh. ‘You too?’ I ask, confused. But then I remember something; something about Josh and Fi that makes me wonder if I can trust them. But that something slips away again before the thought is fully formed.

  ‘No one’s trying to hurt you,’ Dr Evans says. Her voice is deep and smooth and calm. ‘We want to assess you. Help you get better. Please, sit down.’

  Assess me? She means trap me. ‘Get away from me!’ I yell, backing towards the door.

  Bethany stops smiling and also stands up. Her pebbly eyes seem to shrink. ‘You’re unwell. Do you recognize that, Neena? Until we get hold of your parents, are you willing to stay here voluntarily?’

  I take another step back, but they all leap towards me. I try to grasp the door handle, try to escape, but Fi and Josh reach me first. Grab hold of me. I’m not sure if they’re hugging me to protect me or if they’re trying to push me down to hell. But then I smell Josh’s apple breath, and I think I might be OK, that he might be safe.

  A sky-blue room. I’m sitting on a chair. Josh crouching at my feet. Dr Evans towering in front of me. Her bright blue eyes. Piercing.

  ‘We’ve spoken to your father,’ Dr Evans says. ‘He’ll be here as soon as he can but he’s held up. He’s given his consent so we can give you medication.’ She’s talking really, really fast.

  I shiver. ‘No,’ I say. ‘They’re trying to … to kill me.’

  Josh holds both my hands. Presses his forehead against them. ‘Trust me,’ he says. ‘No one is trying to kill you. Please, take the tablets.’

  I look into his soft eyes. ‘I don’t know what’s going on,’ I say. ‘Nothing’s making sense.’ I think I can trust him but I can’t be absolutely sure.

  ‘I know,’ he says. ‘But you know I love you, don’t you?’

  Josh has kind eyes; I know them so well. I know him. I love him. But does he love me? I thought he did, thought he said so, but then … What happened? Something happened that made me doubt that. Now I’m not so sure …

  He wraps his arms round my waist. ‘I do, Neens. I’ve always loved you.’

  I want to believe his words. I think I do. I believe him. I lean into him. Soft hair. I smell lemon. Sweat.

  ‘Take the tablets, Neens,’ he whispers. ‘You want to feel better, don’t you?’

  I nod. Better. Yes. That’s what I want to feel.

  ‘Then please, swallow the tablets and stay here. Just for tonight. Otherwise …’ His voice trembles. ‘Otherwise, I don’t know what’s going to happen.’

  The image of a willow tree fills my head. It’s confusing at first, but then I remember: it’s the willow tree at the end of the school field. I remember kissing him. His soft lips. Josh’s skin against mine. I do trust him. He’s the only one I trust.

  Dr Evans coughs and it makes me jump. I look up at her. Her yellow hair is too bright for her pale face. She holds out a tablet. A plastic cup filled with water.

  I look at Josh. He takes a deep breath. Nods. I take the tablet; press it against my tongue.

  ‘Good,’ the woman says, handing me the water.<
br />
  I sip. Swallow. She hands me another tablet.

  ‘You’ll feel better soon,’ Josh says, squeezing my knees.

  When I look down at him again, I see that he’s shaking. His face is pale: he looks frightened. His phone rings and he pulls it out of his jeans pocket.

  ‘Mum,’ he says. ‘Thank God! I … I need your help.’ And then he’s crying into the phone, talking about me. Sniffing and sniffing, trying to get his words out.

  Heavy head. Lying in a bed. The sky-blue room again. Josh is next to me, sitting on a black chair. His hair’s wild. Big tears drip down his face. Our eyes meet and he turns and looks up to where his mum’s standing, her hands on his shoulders.

  Mrs Stone smiles at me, but sadly. ‘You’ve been sleeping,’ she tells me, her voice soft and low. ‘You’re very tired. But you’ll feel better soon.’ She looks down at Josh; wipes the tears from his cheeks.

  I want to ask them where we are. What I’m doing here. I want to know why Josh is crying. But my whole body feels heavy, even my tongue. I can’t speak.

  The door to the room opens. It’s Fi. She’s wearing a short dress, like she’s going on a night out. But she’s also crying. All her make-up is smudged: black liner and mascara all over her cheeks and red lipstick around her lips.

  Why is everyone here, in this room? And why is everyone so upset?

  Fi closes the door. ‘They’ve managed to get hold of Neena’s dad again,’ she tells Josh. ‘He’ll be here soon, so you need to leave now.’

  Josh shakes his head. ‘I’m not leaving her side,’ he says. He looks up at his mum again and she also nods.

  ‘We’ll stay,’ she says. ‘It’s OK.’

  ‘No way!’ Fi’s voice is raised now and she’s bouncing from one foot to the other. She crosses her arms tight across her body. ‘You need to go. I’m sorry, Mrs Stone. You don’t understand. If Neena’s dad sees Josh here, she’ll be in trouble. And I … I mean, a LOT of trouble.’

  Josh’s mum looks down at him. ‘This is what you were telling me about earlier?’ she asks him. Josh nods.

  ‘Then Fiona’s right – we need to go.’

  Fi sinks down on to the bed, next to my feet. She bites her nails.