Starting From Zero (Starting From Series Book 1)

by Lane Hayes

  “All right. Remember when Rory came out to you? We were sitting right here. He didn’t want to tell you ’cause you’d been on a holy kick for a while.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” she asked sharply.

  “It’s like an exclusive club for saints and pious assho—people only. I told him not to worry. I’d be there and I’d come out too. You didn’t believe me, but you believed Rory. He had a boyfriend, and someone said they saw them holding hands or something.” I gasped theatrically. “Imagine that. You told him you didn’t want to see him again until he found Christ. Well, he found Christian. That’s a start.”

  “That’s not funny.”

  “No, I guess not. But you know what else isn’t funny? I’ve been sitting here in the neutral zone. I’ve been playing it safe, waiting for something to change. I love being in a band, but I’ve been playing the wrong instrument because playing the right one meant I’d have to stand up and make my voice heard. I stayed with the wrong woman a few months too long because admitting I was in a nowhere relationship meant I’d have to speak up and potentially hurt someone I cared about. So I waited and let her hurt me instead.”

  My mother’s face softened. “Oh, Jus…I’m sorry. I—”

  “No. I’m not done. See…my problem is I talk a lot, but I don’t talk about what matters. I save that for my songwriting and let real life issues pile up until it’s like a stack of bills so high, I know it’ll take a lifetime to pay ’em. Maybe twenty-six is too old to join a new band, but Ma…I need to be heard. I have things to say. Some of them are important. This is my chance. But I gotta start here.”

  “Justin…”

  “When I told you I was bi, I wasn’t kidding. I am bi. Just like Rory. You chose not to believe me because I had a girlfriend. That’s what you said, anyway. I think the truth is, you really didn’t want to know. You didn’t want to lose both of us, so you made a choice. And that choice sucks.” I paced the edge of the old wood table and back. “I didn’t bring up my own bi-ness again because I didn’t want to have this conversation. I didn’t want you to choose between me and your church. I told myself I didn’t want you to lose both of us. But you know…I think I was afraid you’d choose faith over me too. And it made me realize how stupid I’ve been. I feel like such an asshole. I let Rory take the fall on his own. I should have insisted you listen to me too.”

  “I don’t know what you mean. He made his own choices, Justin.”

  “So have you. So have I. You’re still working the same ol’ job you’ve hated for thirty years and living in the same crappy apartment in a sketchy part of town. And I’m still trying to put a band together. He’s happy, Mom. He’s good, kind, smart and…he’d forgive you in a heartbeat because Rory is the best man I know.”

  Her lower lip trembled, but she’d lost some of her righteous bravado. She dabbed at the corner of her eye and cleared her throat before speaking. “I love him. I love you both. But he’s got to be right with the Lord, Justin. It’s the only way.”

  I stared at her for a long moment, then blurted, “I’m in love with a man.”

  She blinked in surprise and waited a few beats, like she was sure I’d take my words back. “You’re just saying that.”

  “No. It’s true. I don’t know if he loves me, but he likes me. I wish that was enough, but I’m greedy. I want things I never thought I could have now. But they don’t seem to matter if I can’t have him.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” She put her hand over her mouth and shook her head.

  “Because I’m tired of lying…or telling half-truths. It’s making me miserable. I love you, Mom. And so does Rory. We’re the older versions of the kids who taped those posters up in the room down the hall. Things have changed, but we’re still us.”

  She dabbed at the corners of her eyes furiously and then gasped as if in pain before the first sob wracked her body. I moved to her side and pulled her against me. “I love you, I love you. I can’t lose you too. I can’t…”

  “Shh. It’s okay. I’m here. I’ll always be here,” I chanted, holding her close. “But you gotta talk to Rory. You can’t do this to him. To us.”

  “Yes,” she sobbed. After a minute or two, she pushed at my chest and let out a ragged breath. “I’m a mess. I have to fix myself before work, and I’m gonna be late. There’s money on my dresser. Take what you need and lock up behind you. And…what’s his name?”

  That stopped me. I narrowed my eyes and stuffed my hands into my pocket. “Gray.”

  My mother stared at me for a long moment. Her eyes glistened with tears. I could practically see her struggle to compute and comprehend something she didn’t understand as I held my breath and waited for judgment.

  “Okay. I love you.”

  She grabbed her purse from the counter and hurried into the next room before I could respond.

  I couldn’t tell if it went well or not. She said she loved me, which was a good thing, right? I thought about warning Rory but decided that was their story. I had my own to untangle and rewrite. I just wished I didn’t have to do it alone.

  11

  GRAY

  This wasn’t my first heartbreak. I’d had a few. Some were relatively small and easy to get over, like the time Sherry Hansen told me she liked another boy in second grade. Sure, I’d been crushed, but bigger hurdles awaited. Like losing Seb. I’d loved him blindly. He was dynamic and self-possessed and so damn handsome. And best of all, we shared a need for secrecy. I hadn’t wanted to come out officially and rock any boats. It might not have affected my career, but it would have ruined my relationship with my parents. Maybe they suspected there was more between Seb and me, but we didn’t talk about it because saying the words aloud would give them power. They’d need validation or condemnation. Either would change us…and not necessarily for the better.

  But losing Justin was worse.

  I couldn’t say why. It didn’t make sense to me that I could fall so hard for an unpredictable, headstrong barista-slash-bartender who was eighteen years younger than me. Age wasn’t really a factor—it was an excuse. It allowed me to push him aside into a neat box where I could be the mentor. The one with all the experience and connections. I misjudged the power of sheer bravery. Justin wasn’t afraid to stand up and face his fears. He didn’t second-guess himself or assume someone else’s viewpoint could work for him. He was true to himself and…he loved me.

  At least, he said he did.

  “I like that piece,” Seb said. He sat on one of the Eames chairs in my living room, cradling a beer between his spread thighs. “Do I know it?”

  “No. But you will.”

  “Okay.” He went quiet before trying again. “Is it for Baxter’s—”

  “I’m not talking about that,” I snapped.

  “How long are we going to do this? I said I’m sorry twenty times. I told their manager…aka, my son, I’d draw up a new contract and I apologized. You’re all acting like it’s the end of the world and it’s just a fucking song!”

  I flattened my hand over the keys, sending a clang of uneven notes through the room as I shoved away from the piano and rounded on him furiously.

  “You don’t fucking get it, do you? You lie and apologize over and over again, Seb. This isn’t a movie. This is real life and real people. I told you to leave Justin alone, but you had to have his story. Did you get it? Did pitting him against his ex make him seem more exciting? Did it give you ideas to sell to the masses? Did it make you feel powerful?” I spat angrily.

  Seb gaped at me before slowly standing. He set his beer bottle on the piano bench and held his arms open in a helpless gesture.

  “What are we doing? Where is this coming from, Gray?”

  “I’m tired of doing things your way. Keeping quiet, keeping the peace. I love you, but I haven’t been in love with you for years. It happened gradually. Every time I couldn’t touch you in public, every time I had to step aside for a Hollywood starlet to take my place at a movie premiere, e
very time I had to fudge the truth with Charlie so he wouldn’t think for one second our incredible dysfunction meant he wasn’t loved…has led us here.

  “Zero doesn’t want your contract, Seb. They’re gonna do it their way, and I bet they’ll be amazing. They have an incredibly talented manager, who might not know the ins and outs of the business but is willing to give it his all. They’re going to be okay.”

  “What about us?” he asked in a small voice.

  “We’ll be fine too. We have no choice. We know each other far too well,” I huffed.

  “What about you?”

  I met his gaze as I splayed my fingers over the piano keys and picked up the melody where I’d left off. “That, I don’t know.”

  Seb sat beside me on the bench and nudged my elbow until I stopped. “So you are in love with him. Why didn’t you admit it when I asked you that same fucking question a month ago?”

  “I didn’t know. And now, I do and I’m…I don’t know what I am without him. I guess I’m just…empty.”

  “Can I fix it?”

  I jerked my head in surprise. “No. It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

  “Then you fix it,” he replied irritably.

  “Gee, thanks for the advice,” I snarked.

  “I wish I’d tried to undo the mess I made when I lost you. I wish I was brave enough to put you first when I still had a chance to make it right.”

  “Seb…”

  He smiled. “I know. It’s different now, and it’s probably for the best, but if you think he’s special, find a way before you’re left with an empty house again and a fuckton of regret. It’s not too late. You just have to be brave.”

  ONCE UPON A TIME, I was very brave. At least when it came to music.

  My access was limited when I was growing up. I had to search for it in record stores, libraries, and at school and church. There was no internet. No fast exchange of ideas and words, but it didn’t matter. Music found a way. It called to the quiet only child in me and encouraged me to spread my wings and fly. That might sound corny, but it was true. I’d always admired people like Justin. The reckless, hungry souls who couldn’t hide behind their talent if they tried.

  I wasn’t like that at all. And now I lived in a glass house with a view of the city where I could observe life and lovers and write their stories from above where they couldn’t touch me. I craved the anonymity Justin joked about the first night we met. I’d been burned by the spotlight. The scars weren’t the kind that faded. They were deep wounds that conjured painful memories. At forty-four, I wasn’t interested in tempting fate again. Sex was one thing, love was another.

  But I couldn’t get him out of my head. I couldn’t pretend to be indifferent or unfazed. When I saw Justin onstage at Carmine’s, I knew he was special. I didn’t realize then that he was my missing piece. I might survive, but I could never be whole without him. And what was the point? Now I knew what it felt like to skateboard with my best friend, play guitar on the roof, and make love with my eyes wide open and my heart fully exposed. Scary as fuck…but exhilarating.

  I had to get him back.

  “THEY’RE GOING on in five minutes. Want a drink?” Seb asked, gesturing toward the bar.

  “Yeah, sure.” I nodded distractedly, then scanned the area, stepping sideways to avoid bumping into a drunk patron carrying three beers to his friends.

  The Fix was a half step up from a dive bar. It was set up like most clubs, with a raised platform area that served as a stage, a sticky bar in the back, and a standing-room-only policy. On the plus side, it was slightly bigger than Carmine’s, and the crowd was young and enthusiastic. They seemed to know Zero too. I overheard a couple of college-aged girls discussing them with a reverence that made me smile.

  “I love that song, ‘Funny Feeling.’ It’s kinda sweet and edgy at the same time. Like Justin. Oh my God, he’s so hot.”

  “So is Ky. Never mind, they’re all freaking gorgeous.”

  I smiled at their star-struck tones and nodded my thanks when Seb handed me a gin and tonic.

  “You’d think Beyoncé was making a guest appearance. This place is bumping,” Seb commented, sipping his cocktail.

  The lights went down before I could reply, and the crowd went wild. When a single spotlight shone over the microphone stand, it got a little louder. And when Justin and the boys walked onto the stage, the noise rose to stadium concert levels. Okay, maybe that was a slight exaggeration—but only a slight one. The sound of cheering, wolf whistles, and applause reverberated through my body.

  Justin gripped the mic with his right hand as he adjusted his guitar strap with the other. He wore a snug black tee that accentuated his ink and basic blue jeans. He’d cut his hair, but it suited him. He emitted a badass, sexy vibe before he even opened his mouth. If he was nervous, I couldn’t tell. He looked poised and proud and fuck…he looked like a rock star.

  “Hey there. We’re Zero and this one’s called ‘Everywhere.’ One, two, three…”

  Tegan set a steady beat on drums, Ky followed on bass a few seconds later, and Johnny on electric guitar. I’d heard them play often in my studio and thought they were good. However, performing live was a whole other art form. These guys sounded as though they’d been playing together for years. And when Justin joined in on vocals, anyone could tell Zero had true star power.

  They played new material for thirty minutes before pausing for Justin to introduce himself and his bandmates. The audience hung on his every word, clapping and cheering with their arms raised. When they continued with a bluesy number, everyone swayed to the beat. The follow-up rockin’ anthem, “My Way” had everyone jumping and dancing. The energy was frenetic. Magical, even.

  When the club darkened after a ninety-minute set, Zero left the stage to the sound of thunderous applause.

  “Damn, they’re really good,” Seb gushed.

  “Yeah. Here. Hold my drink.”

  He furrowed his brow as he took my glass. “What are you doing?”

  “Honestly, I have no idea. Wish me luck.”

  I moved through the crush of bodies to the nearest exit. The heavy door opened onto a wide driveway at the side of the club between the main street and the parking lot. I immediately realized that I didn’t know where to go. I hadn’t asked enough questions. Fuck. I’d been like this for days. Full of ideas but unsure about how to execute them. I swiped my damp hands on my jeans and went to search for my car, which of course was sandwiched tightly between two expensive-looking vehicles.

  I took pity on the attendant’s panicky look when I asked for my keys. “It’s okay. I can wait. I just need to get something out of my car. Thanks.”

  “Phew. Here you go, sir.”

  My Porsche was parked under a streetlight behind the club. I sidled between the vehicles and miraculously was able to wedge my arm in the passenger-side door and grab the roses. A few red petals tore from the buds and scattered in the light spring breeze, but they still looked good. I shoved a couple of stray stems into the bouquet and turned toward the back door just as it opened. I spotted Ky and Tegan first. Then Johnny. But no sign of Justin.

  I waited a couple of minutes more before inspiration struck. I shimmied back to my car and climbed on the roof just as the door opened and a triumphant cheer filled the air. The four members of Zero clasped hands and whooped. I grinned when they lifted Charlie and ran around the small clearing near the building. I was too far to hear their conversation, but I didn’t mind. I was skilled at the art of people-watching.

  Charlie spotted me from his perch and waved excitedly. Everyone turned, or maybe no one did. The only one I saw was Justin. He froze for a moment and stared at me. Then he smiled. Even from a distance, I could tell it lit his eyes before stretching from ear to ear.

  My heart pounded in my chest. I licked my lips and sat a little taller. I started to slide down to meet him, but he was faster and more agile. He slipped between the cars and then hopped onto the Porsche’s hood.

 
“You’re here,” he said.

  “Yeah. I couldn’t miss Zero’s debut. You were incredible, baby.”

  “Thanks.” He pursed his lips, then brushed his nose with the back of his hand before inching forward. He gestured toward the bouquet beside me. “Are those for me?”

  “Yes. They’re boyfriend roses.”

  Justin grinned. “Oh yeah?”

  “You said they should be bigger and these were the biggest ones I could find. I should have bought more and maybe a different color,” I babbled nervously.

  “No. They’re perfect.”

  “Come sit with me. Please.”

  He glanced at my outstretched hand before threading his fingers with mine. I moved the roses to give him space and set them in his lap. “Thank you.”

  I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded like an idiot. I couldn’t find the words I needed. They were right there on the tip of my tongue, but they wouldn’t come. Even if they did, I wasn’t sure I could speak around the lump in my throat. After a long moment, I took a deep breath and gave it my best shot.

  “I love you,” I whispered. “I love you. I love you. I love your beautiful smile, the sound of your laughter. I love that crinkle you get between your eyes when you’re concentrating. I love your sense of humor and fuck, I love that whirling brain of yours. As crazy as it sounds, I feel like I’ve waited my whole life for you. Forty-four years. It’s a long time. But I bet I’ve got another forty-four to go.…And I don’t want to spend a minute more without you. That’s my truth, and you’re my beginning and my end.”

  Justin held my face in his hands before sealing his lips over mine in a passionate kiss that spoke volumes. He pulled back slightly and rested his forehead on mine.

  “Fuck, you say pretty things.” He wiped at a tear on his cheek and glanced up at the sky before beaming a radiant grin at me. “You know, I had a plan tonight too. I was gonna do a kickass show and then show up out of the blue at my boyfriend’s house and serenade him with the song we wrote. I want him to know he’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”