The Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers

by Terry Aspinall

  Chapter 2

  THE GEEBUNG POLO CLUB

  Harry Deluxe the council depot manager, stood in amazement as a small Red Austin Mini car pulled up alongside of him, and four very wet bedraggled looking souls climbed out to report for work. Harry knew full well that only three of them would be working, and that he had never seen the little guy who was driving. Therefore, after eyeing up lofty he could not resist taunting Bluey about him, by pointing and asking if he thought he was on time and a half. However, Bluey was in no mood for jokes as he stood there shivering of cold; all he wanted was to get out of the depot and away from his prying eyes as soon as possible. All though he knew Harry was only getting his own back for some of the one liners that he would normally be throwing around the yard at that hour of the morning.

  Bluey explained that their van needed a few repairs and that for the time being they would be using the Mini, to cart their equipment around. This came as a bit of a surprise to Lofty, who just stood there with his mouth wide open as if in shock, wondering what else was going to be expected of him.

  Then before he knew it, Bluey ordered Terry and Claudie to load up the car with a few of their tools, along with some smaller pot plants that they would be planting during the day. Finally, they all somehow managed to climb back into the car amongst their green cargo, and sped out of the yard at break neck speed, before Harry asked too many questions about who was working that day.

  Lofty managed to deliver his unruly cargo to a large roundabout that was positioned along the Wynnum sea front. After helping to disgorge his cargo, he gave them a quick farewell and drove off to get some sleep before he had to report for work later that morning in the Valley.

  Bluey and his small band of workers sat down in the middle of the island to discuss their plan of action for the day. First, he ordered Terry to go over the road to the Clumsy Waiter café to fetch the coffee and hash browns. While Claudie was ordered to stick a couple of shovels in the ground and to pull up a few of the existing plants and place them in a heap. This would make it look like they had at least started work, leaving Bluey to walk over the road to strike up a conversation with a young girl who just happened to be walking past.

  He knew Marilyn from way back; after all, she had once been his regular girl friend, until that is she caught him playing around with another local girl. However, during recent months they had become friendly once again, and Bluey usually tried to talk to her at every opportunity.

  How would you like me to escort you across the road he called out to her, it being one of his usual pick up lines? That line would normally work fine she told him, but unfortunately she wanted to stay on that side of the road she was already walking on. As far as Bluey was concerned, it did not matter anyway because he had broken the ice as they say, and she was talking to him once again. He then crossed over the road and gave her a hen's peck on the cheek as he joined her walking along the pathway. She went on to tell him that she had moved and was now lived a couple of doors along the street. This gave Bluey the opportunity to escort her safely to her house, which he did and upon arrival, he managed to talk his way in for a quick cup of coffee. To use the word in, is not quite what he expected as she directed him to the front veranda and told him to take a seat while she went inside to made a drink.

  After pushing Mouse her cat on to the floor from its favourite sleeping spot, Bluey made himself comfortable in a very large old wicker armchair that was covered with malted fur, and placed his feet up onto a small coffee table in front of him, facing the direction of the roundabout. He felt like the king in his castle while surveying his empire that lay before him.

  He was awakened by Claudie tugging at his shoulder and telling him that he was required at the roundabout as there had been an accident. Bluey jumped up and tried to survey his surroundings through very tired, blurry bloodshot eyes. Trying to get his bearings and to work out where he was. He reached down to pick up the mug of coffee in front of him on the coffee table and took a large gulp. However, it was stone cold and he spat some of it out onto the cat, which was spread eagled on the wooden floor in front of him, after uttering his usual Strewth remark.

  Walking back to the roundabout, Bluey kept asking Claudie where the accident was, and what had happened, until that is he realised it had been a ploy to get him back to work. The work seemed to have been started, however he arrived to find Terry sitting down at a make shift table. While next to him he spied a cup of coffee and so he reached down and picked it up, and took a large gulp. However, he soon spat it out, and the word Strewth left his lips once again, as he declared that it was stone cold. Course it is Terry told him it’s been there for nearly and hour.

  Both Terry and Claudie had felt disgruntled that they were the only ones working and felt that Bluey should be helping them, after all none of them had got much sleep the night before and they all had bad headaches to prove it. Bluey explained to them that headaches were very common in biblical times and that Mosses used to suffer from them on a regular basis. Terry being the gullible one, asked how he knew that, to which Bluey told him that it tells you in the Bible, that when he took delivery of the Ten Commandment and came down from the mountain he was carrying a couple of tablets. Suddenly the atmosphere changed as they all started laughing together, and set about the morning’s task of beautifying the roads sides of Wynnum.

  By midday, they suddenly found themselves requiring more plants and they did not have any transport to return to the depot to pick them up. Bluey told Claudie to grab a Taxi and take Terry with him, but he was not going to pay somebody for the privilege of working. Pity we did not have a wheelbarrow Terry chirped in, and then we could have gone for a long walk. Bluey told him that maybe he should take a long walk off a short pier, pointing to the Wynnum Pier nearby.

  Reluctantly, Bluey tried to phone Lofty, but he was not at home. When he finally tracked him down Lofty was already at work, but agreed to help them. Unfortunately, he was all dressed up for his show and that it would take him a few minutes to clean himself up and so it would be some time before he could get back to where they were working. Bluey told him that it was very urgent and that he should just jump into his car and leave right away.

  Harry Deluxe once again stood in amazement as the little Red Austin Mini car pulled up beside of him and a little guy climbed out of the front seat dressed as garden gnome. He was wearing all the brightly coloured clothing that the usual garden gnome statues seem to wear, that include a little pixie hat with a metal bell attached to the pointed top. However, what caught him of balance was the sight of a two-inch wide webbing strap that was attached to the middle of his back and looked like some sort of handle. While attached to his chest was a large square of Velcro material. Harry was caught completely off his guard and did not have a clue what to say to the guy, he just stood there with his mouth wide open. The only thing he could come up with was that Bluey was winding him up with some sort of prank, and so there was no way that, he was going to take the bait and ask why he was dressed in that way. No, he decided to act as if nothing was wrong or out of the ordinary, he would just carry on as normal. Lofty told him that he had come to pick up some plants for Bluey and was pointed in the direction of a heap of shrubs and trees over in the corner of the yard. Harry then turned away and headed to the peace and tranquillity of his air-conditioned office. While leaving Lofty, with his mouth wide open looking at the size of the shrubs and the number that he was expected to somehow load into his Mini car.

  As Harry looked out of his office window, he was amazed to see the little Red Mini leaving the yard with trees sticking out of every window, even the driver's one. Some of the branches were hanging out at least a meter and a half. While trailing from the boot and dragging on the road were a couple of four-meter conifers with a third one sticking up in the air way above the roof. He suddenly thought of the low railway bridge just down the road that he would have to negotiate flashed through his mind but only for a split second.

  The ot
her workers in the depot were also surprised to see Lofty in full costume and started making fun of Harry behind his back, and of the company, he was secretly keeping. Harry had decided to act as normal as possible, while his fellow workers all thought he had flipped his lid. One of them asked him if it was a new council policy that they would be installing garden gnomes on all the local roundabouts. Instead of statues were they now going to use real live ones, so that they could wave to the motorists as they drove past, welcoming them all to the quiet peaceful suburb of Wynnum. One of them told Harry that he should buy a few fishing rods so that they could issue one to every gnome they were going to place around the town, and that maybe they should change the town name to Gnome city. So that as the locals left the pubs each night they could tell everybody that they were going Gnome.

  Bluey and his team suddenly heard the wailing of a Police siren and stopped what little work they were doing to see what was happening. Look out here comes the cavalry he told them, with a smile on his face. However, the smile on Bluey’s face soon changed as they were all surprised to see a little Red Austin Mini heading straight for them at break neck speed, and looked like it was covered in a mass of green foliage, that seemed to be protruding from every orifice of the car. However, what caught his eye was the very tall conifer that was sticking up high above the car, but looked like it had been snapped off about a meter above its roof. As soon as Bluey realised that it was Lofty, he turned to the others and sarcastically remarked to them, that he had told to him that it was urgent, but he did not expect him to get a bloody police escort to get him through the traffic, Strewth the job was not that urgent.

  Their first thoughts of a friendly escort were soon changed, as Lofty bumped up onto the roundabout to be followed by the speeding police car. Even before the police car had come to a halt, the police officers in the passenger seat jumped out and rushed over to the driver’s door of the Mini. As soon as the officer had wrenched the door open, he stood back in amazement, as out stepped what he thought was a real live garden gnome, dressed in full uniform. The shock of seeing the little man all dressed up in what looked like a bright green uniform that included a small pointed hat that had a bell attached to its point, was enough to make anybody back off. Then before the officer had time to grill him Lofty started to explain what he was doing.

  While the other police officer that had been driving, took one look at Bluey, and knew that he would have some sort of answer to all of their questions. After all, over the past couple of years they had got to know him and his musical band of misfits and gypsies quite well. They had gained a reputation with the local police station of constantly being involved in some sort of minor trouble, but somehow they were a likable bunch of musicians who did not really mean harm to anybody. In fact, the first thing the police officer said to Bluey as he walked up to him, was that they all reminded him of the three guys he had seen earlier in the Wynnum high street. One of them turned out to be a musician while the other two had no money either. To which Bluey replied with a yeah yeah, and we like you to officer.

  Once everything had been straightened out the Police Officer turned to Bluey and asked how they had come up with the band name of the Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers. He then told him that he had thought of using such names as Bad Breath, Critical Mass, Opposites Attract, and even the Well Hungarians, think about it he told the officer otherwise it will go straight over your head. Then there was the Pricks of Arrogance and that was because a few years ago he and Nicky had been in a band, and the lead guitarist did not like them, He had thought that Bluey was very arrogant and that Nicky was a bit of a prick, hence the name. You're having me on the officer asked, no it's all true Bluey told him, and I kid you not. Nicky had always wanted to use the name Anger Management, because at one time he had attended an anger management course, but it had all come to a violent end when the teacher got very frustrated and hit him. Then there was the time when Nicky and himself had gone out as a duo and used the name Allcock and Balls, explaining to all that enquired that they were really a pair of Plumbers by trade. However, they had to change the name after a couple of the venue managers complained about the band posters that they were using. They proclaimed that you should come and see Allcock and Balls in action as they played with each other. We then tried to call ourselves the Flying Ballcocks Brothers, with a poster that proclaimed that they were Plumbers and could we fiddle with your water works, but that didn’t work either. While later he had read an article on a band from the Melbourne area, which had called themselves the Zarszoff Brothers and so not wanting to copy to close, he had come up with Spawlszoff, and finally Bluey’s Spawlszoff. Think about it he told the officer, blew his??? off.

  By late afternoon the band had all been reunited, and were making their way to the evenings booking at the Geebung polo club. Although they loved the old transit van, it was not a hot weather friendly vehicle, as it did not have any air-conditioning installed. Being the middle of January it was always like a sauna bath inside, and at times, it became unbearable to those in the back. Because of the restricted seating arrangements in the front, Bluey always made sure that he sat in the front passenger seat, alongside Ruhti, who was the designated driver. It did not seem to matter that he was an extremely bad driver and a useless map-reader. His lack of map reading knowledge left a lot to be desired, as he constantly ended up getting them completely lost, and sometimes late for a show. Not to mention turning up at the wrong venues. Over a period of time, the beloved transit van had become known as the Enterprise, from the highly successful television series Star Trek. It was because of this name that at times Ruhti attracted the nick name of Spock, however it was soon changed by Bluey, who thinking of the red spot on Ruhti’s forehead shortened it to Spot, but only while he was driving.

  The lack of seating meant that the other three had to sit on the musical gear in the back, and would be thrown around at almost every corner that Ruhti tried to negotiate at high speed. With just the two small windows in the back doors, it meant that the light was also very bad, and so reading was out of the question. What with all of the moving around, it was all they could do to just hang on and keep their backsides attached to an amplifier or speaker box that they were sitting on, while all the time just starring at each other through the darkness. Whenever one of them complained, Bluey would always remind them that they were lucky that they were in the back. Adding that if they were in the front then they would more than likely have a heart attack at the way Spot was driving, always adding that he was crazy.

  Because of the lack of air-conditioning, Ruhti would always drive with his quarter light side window wide open at such an angle that the cool air coming in from outside, would be directed on his body. About forty minutes into the trip Ruhti let out a big yell as a wasp was blown in from outside and went straight up his shorts trouser leg. The van responded from his antics and began swerving violently across the road. All the time Ruhti was trying to remove the invading insect out of his trousers. Bluey leaned over and tried to grab the steering wheel, but to no avail as Ruhti was swinging it from side to side violently. After what seemed like a lifetime, but was in actually fact only a couple of minutes, Ruhti finally gained control and pulled over to the side of the road. Bluey was seen giving the sign of the crucifix on his chest, not that he was a religious guy, it was just that even at a time like this he could not resist being funny.

  Bluey jumped out, and ran to the back of the van, and opened the door, to be greeted by a sight of total devastation. Strewth, he exclaimed as he found the gear had moved all over the place, while sticking out from odd gaps in between the gear, he could see arms and legs. All around him there were the sounds of moaning and groaning. Once they were all accounted for and found to be in reasonable good health, they set about restacking the gear in the back of the van. While all the time one of them would make remarks about Ruhti’s poor driving skills. Bluey called him the driver from hell, while Nicky reckoned that his driving would kill them all one
day. However, they were not prepared to take over his driving job, as most of them knew that with him driving home, they could all get some sleep. Ruhti was still in pain as the wasp had stung him in the groin and all he could do was keep rubbing it, while constantly asking if anybody knew what he could rub on it.

  For once Terry managed to respond first, by telling him to try a chapatti and then proceeded to crack up laughing. While all the others just stood around and looked at him in amazement with their mouths open. After all, Terry did not usually crack many jokes, and so when he did they were savoured moments. However, this one went down about as well as a chapatti at a National Front Christmas party. Ruhti responded by telling him that because of that stupid remark, he could dwive the remainder of the twip, as he was still in great pain and was going to hide in the back. While all the time he continued rubbing his groin. Bluey chirped in once more, declaring that he thought that Spot had a degree in masturbation, and that he should get a hold of himself. To which every one burst out laughing once again, all that is accept Ruhti.

  Once they were all safely bundled into the back of the van Terry got behind the wheel and he pulled away from the side of the road. It only took him a few minutes to get the van up to the 100-kmh speed limit and they all settled back to somehow endure the remainder of the and trip.

  A little further up the road as they were driving through Rochedale they passed by a hobby farm that had some horse manure in bags all neatly stacked up by the gates of the property. Did you see that horse poo by the gate of that smallholding, Bluey asked? Terry looked at him taking his eyes off the road for a couple of seconds allowing the van to start wobbling as it sped down the road. What’s a small holding Terry asked? Where you're concerned it would be extra small, and if you don’t put your eyes back on the road, I’ll pull it off and bang you on the head with it. Anyway, just remind me where it was when we come home.

  Ruhti had left all of the windows open and so Terry began to enjoy the nice cool breeze that was coming into the vehicle and on his face. As the van, changed directions the breezes also changed and at times, there was a few nice gusts coming in to the relief of all inside. Suddenly a strong gust caught Terry full in the face and his toupee was lifted from his head and preceded to fly into the back of the van, were it became entangled with Ruhti. Who immediately jumped up shouting and cursing in what they all thought was Pakistani swearing. Nicky who had seen everything unfold, started shouting that it was a rat, and a flying one at that. This only made Ruhti jump around more violently, only now he was swinging his arms around at the same time, and shouting get it off, get it off, not knowing what it was. Bluey could not resist chirping in with, it looks like a flying cowpat, and that the poo was about to hit the fan. Nicky who was laughing and asked what language Ruhti was using, to which Bluey called back that he thought it was Hebrew. Hebrew, Nick laughed, I have never heard of a Jewish Pakistani before, have you. He then put on his best-broken German accent and told him that he had ways of making him talk. Bluey called back that the Kaiser would sort it all out and kill it whatever it was, ordering him to put the jack boot in for the kill.

  While all this was going on, Terry was shouting to them not to damage his toupee, as it was the only one he had. He had already been upset about what the dog had done to at the last gig, and somehow he had managed to comb out a few of the holes. Ruhti shouted through to Terry that if he had a Chapatti he would stwrick it on his hwead. While all this was going on, Claudie who was in a state of totally being out of this world, just laying back on the gear, and smiled at them all, as he took another puff on what looked like a funny shaped cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. He then proceeded to ask if anybody knew the name of Marc Bolin’s last big hit. The band was stunned into silence as they all looked at each other in amazement, wondering what on earth he was on about. Bluey was first to break the silence and asked what the hell it had to do with the price of fish. With that, they all started laughing once again, while all telling Claudie that they had no idea, as they eagerly awaited his answer. After a couple of seconds he took a drag from the cigarette and removed it from his mouth and told them that it was a tree. There was a further stunned silence as they all wondered what the hell he was talking about. A tree he said, he died when his car hit a big tree, or at least that’s what it says in my little trivia book. The remainder of the journey was completed in utter silence as nobody had a clue what to say next. Even Bluey was lost for words and that was an unusual event to be savoured.

  At the venue, Bluey wondered off as usual to get a drink and to make it known to the club manager Gino Albino that they had arrived, leaving the rest of his merry band to set up the gear. As a band, they had played at the club many times and so they knew what was expected of them and where to set up. Once all the gear had been carried up two flights of stairs and dumped in a heap on the dance floor just in front of the stage. It was Ruhti’s job to set most of it up, all except that is the drums. Nicky would not let him near his precious kit and insisted in setting it up himself. Only he knew where to place every piece of his equipment, ensuring that he would be comfortable and had the right spacing was between each drum, and there were six of them to set up amongst an array of cymbals.

  The ribbing of Terry and his toupee was still being pursued by the entire band, to such a point where he had tried to blot them all out of his head. So as each joke was cracked he took no notice of them, which was a wise move, as by now some of them had become quite hurtful. I do not know how you can play with a rat on your head taunted Nicky. While Ruhti chirped in with, a rat, to me it looks more like something that a cow dwopped and then walked through it.

  Bluey wandered back to the stage just as the last piece of heavy equipment was being carefully placed into position on the stage, telling them that he had some good news and some bad news for them. In his left hand, he was carrying a very large old battered looking cowboy hat, and as he got near to Terry, he called to him by name, telling him to catch it and spun the hat straight at him. Terry caught it as it hit him full in the chest, but suddenly dropped it being scared of what the hell it was; it is only a hat Bluey shouted to him. He then told them that the good news was, that he’d found something to cover Terry’s bald spot, so that the band would not be blinded as the stage lights reflected off it. However, the bad news was that there had been a few changes since they were last at the club. Tonight they would be performing down stairs in the smaller venue, because there was a private function being held where they had already set up.

  After the swearing had died down to an acceptable level, Bluey told them to move it all down stairs, while he would go and check out where they could set it up. Nicky had to replace every piece of his equipment back into its case, a task that took him another fifteen minutes before he could even think of lugging the lot down stairs. It was just as hard for Ruhti who had already started to run out the mass of wires that usually criss-crossed the stage for each performance. It was total chaos as they tried to move the gear. In their laziness, they tried to move some of it with the wires still attached. While in other cases as the wires were pulled out of the gear, they were all bundled up and carried downstairs in what looked like a giant armful of spaghetti, and that was the easy part. Trying to untangle the mess at the other end turned out to be an even bigger headache. By now the jokes that had been aimed at Terry had ceased, and had been replaced by an endless stream of abuse and cussing that was directed towards Bluey and the club manager, for not informing them earlier. Claudie wanted to know if Bluey could give him a couple of Mosses tablet as he was getting a headache.

  An hour and a half later the gear had finally been set up, and the band were going through their usual sound checks. However, Bluey never took part in this ritual, as he would usually be chatting up the local girls who always turned up early to these events, in an effort to get off with members of the band. Bluey always told the band that it was his way of vetting the girls, so that the band would not be disappointed w
ith what they managed to pick up during the night. However, it was Bluey’s way of grabbing what he considered to be the best chick in the venue for himself.

  Just before they took to the stage for the first bracket, Gino the manager came over to see if they were ready to go on. However, his first question was to ask them where their mascot Lofty was. Bluey explained that he was working, and anyway it was nice for them, as they were getting a break from his constant talking. Nicky jumped in to mention that he could talk the hind legs off a donkey if you let him. Bluey added that at times he wanted to give you so much detail of whatever he was talking about, that he was like a cricket commentator, describing every single blade of grass on the pitch in between the bowling action.

  As they were all standing in a huddle talking, Bluey let rip and passed wind, as was his custom at each venue, what he called the christening, he then turned and walked away. However, this time it was an extra strong virulent strain and within seconds, it had everybody gasping for breath and complaining of the smell. Gino asked if Bluey had a problem, because it sure as hell smelt like it. To which Nicky told him that he had I.B.S. What the hell is I.B.S. Gino asked and was told that it was Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I don’t know what the hell that is, he continued, but it sure as hell irritates me. If he don’t get himself seen to it will kill him one day, Gino told them. To which Nicky added that if his stomach didn’t, then somebody else might if he drops one of them in the wrong place.

  He went on to tell them that Bluey had once told him that when he dies he wants to be buried in a tree. What the hell for Gino asked in amazement, not knowing what was coming next. With a smile on his face, Nicky explained that Bluey had told him that when he was dead he wanted everybody to look up to him. Gino was quick to reply that it would not be a good idea to walk underneath him, not knowing what he might do next, even though he was supposed to be dead. Trying to get away from the smell he then turned away and headed back to the bar coughing and spluttering. Claudie just sat back on his keyboard stool laughing and took another puff of his funny shaped fag he had just rolled himself.

  The first couple of sets of the evening went very quietly as was usual at this club; it usually took a little time to fill up with patrons and for them to also get warmed up. However, by the time the band had finished the third set, it was a different ball game and the drinks were once again flowing freely.

  As Bluey came down from the stage, he headed straight for a large group of girls that he had been eyeing up for some time. There were about a dozen of them and by the looks of things their party was in full swing. As he arrived at their table, he raised his voice in order to get above the laughter and singing that was taking place. Hi ladies, hope you like the music, he asked. With that, they all stopped talking and turned to take a look at who was talking to them. Within seconds, he became the brunt of their girly jokes, about what a good looker he was and who was going to take him home. With all the girls all talking at once he thought he’d lost their attention and was about to walk away and head towards the bar. Suddenly one of the girls nearest him grabbed his arm and ordered him to sit next to her. Trying to get a conversation working, he shouted towards her asking if she liked the music. Great she replied, well why weren’t you all dancing. Not enough grog in us yet, but we will when you go back on stage. She then started asking him if he knew certain songs, Bluey shook his head at a couple of the tittles while occasionally he nodded that he did to others. Very soon, most of the girls around the table were all calling out songs at him and it became impossible to answer all of them. One rather large girl on the other side of the table called over that she would like to get into his bed with him, which was a bad mistake because Bluey was taking no prisoners and his wit was deadly that night, and anyway it didn’t seem to worry him whether he offended any of them. He was quick to call out that it was not big enough for the three of them. However, nobody seemed to get the joke anyway and he got away with it.

  One of the other girls called out that her boyfriend was in a band, Bluey asked what the name was, and the girl replied George, no the band you stupid woman he answered. With that, everybody burst out laughing and adding further jokes to the situation. Bluey then asked her what sort of music did he play. Oh, I think it's some sort of folk music, but there are two of them. Strewth, Bluey answered, that sounds twice as bad, he then asked if he was one of those guys who sings with his finger in his ear, and a plum in the back of his throat. The girl just stared at him with a blank look on her face not having a clue what he was talking about. However, she went on to tell him that they were still looking for a name but had not had much luck in trying to choose one. Try Chaos and Mayhem it sounds like it might suite their style. With that, she thanked him very much as if he had paid them some sort of compliment.

  Bluey looked down and found that the girl who had grabbed him was still holding onto his lower arm with a vice like grip. I bet you’re a fishing person he asked. What makes you think that she asked as she stared up into his cool blue eyes. Oh just the way your hanging onto my arm, just as if you did not want to put me back in the water. With that she giggled but did not let go of his arm, your mine she said and I’m not sharing you with anybody, as was being discussed by some of the other girls around the table.

  Blue could not help noticing the large amount of drinks on the table and asked her what it was all in aid of. It’s a hen's night she told him, and that big girl over there who you did not want to go to bed with is the silly one who is taking the plunge. She then offered Bluey one of the many drinks positioned around her, but Bluey was a little wary, as he still had to complete one more set on stage. No he told her I don’t know what’s in it, neither do I she told him, that’s all part of the surprise. You see whenever we order a round of drinks, the person to our right has to drink them, and so as you can imagine this is going to turn into one hell of a hens party later on. Bluey tried to change the subject and ask her what her name was, can't remember she told him and anyway who cares. Oh, just like to know whom I’m kissing, so I guess you don’t want to be kissed. Before she had time to answer, he managed to pull his arm free and was up and away. His attitude was to leave them wanting and that in the end they will come back to you, or at least he hoped she would. Walking away, he called out that he would see them all again later, as he had to return to the stage.

  The band struck up their usually pre-arranged final set of the evening with one of their favourite songs, Eagle Rock. This managed to get most of the patron up and on dance floor. However, half way through the song the club public address system that was used to call out the meal and numbers, began calling out number 68, time and time again. Bluey became rattled and at the next calling of the number, he stopped singing and shouted Bingo. At that very same moment, the band stopped playing and the whole room became silent for a couple of minutes. With that, Bluey watched a little guy go to the counter and pick up his meal. In his microphone, Bluey wished the guy well hoping that he enjoyed his meal. However, he though it a poor first prize to win a meal in a bingo competition, maybe it was the number, maybe he would have had more luck if it had been holding number 69. The poor little guy became very embarrassed as he sat down to eat his long awaited meal with every single person in the room watching him.

  Bluey got off the stage and walked up to him as the whole room continued to watch his every move. Would you like some salt and pepper he asked and with that, he walked up to the counter and picked up the salt dispenser returning to place it on his table in front of him. Bluey then told the guy to enjoy it, and as he was about to turn and head back to the stage, he asked if he had a request. The little guy just shrugged his head and Bluey returned to the stage. Then as he picked up his guitar, he clicked his fingers to a count of three, and with that, the band continued playing from where that had left off, just as if nothing had happened. Within seconds, the place was in full swing once again and the girl’s hen’s party continued to deteriorate into a drunken orgy.

  A few of
the girls started dancing right in front of the band, and taunting them with sexual gestures and giggling. While each of the members were on a high, thinking that they had scored for the night, because they were being propositioned. However, the girls were just playing with them and really had no intention of going any further with their drunken game. However, the alcohol that they had all consumed was taking their control away from them at an alarming rate. During one of the breaks between songs, Nicky poked Bluey in the back with one of his drumsticks. As Bluey turned around Nicky pointed to the girl just on the right of the stage, and told him that he was having her at the end of the gig. While Bluey replied that he fancied the blonde who he had sat with during the interval.

  Ruhti did not want to be left out and so in order that the all girls realised that he was with the band, he kept walking out on stage pretending to alter some of the gear. After adjusting piece of apparatus, he considered needing seeing to, he would look around at the girls trying to catch the eye of one of them. Bluey knew what he was up to, but left him alone in order that he might score for the evening. It wasn’t long before a very young skinny looking girl sidled over to where he was and started dancing in front of him. Bluey could not help himself turning around and telling Nicky that he thought she could do with a fat implant, adding that if she got on stage he might be able to use her ribs as a xylophone

  However, Terry was not taking too much notice that the intended bride was gyrating very sexually in front of him. Bluey leaned over towards him and told him that he should have been wearing a new toupee and then he would have been able to get his leg over. Over what Terry asked, leaving Bluey to tell him to go back to sleep. As for Claudie, he just sat at the keyboard puffing away on a joint that was hanging from the corner of his mouth, while he went through the motions of playing. Bluey and Nicky were in the belief that at least he was no threat to their sexual intentions.

  As they finished the final number, Bluey started to go through his usual routine off jokes and informing the patrons that they would be back at the club in about six weeks. He then called Ruhti over to finish off the formalities and to crack his favourite and final joke. Ruhti then took the microphone from Bluey and preceded to remind everybody that if they were dwinking and dwiving that they should not forget their cars. It was Blueys way of milking a final laugh from the crowd, who were by now in hysterics because of Ruhti’s accent and speech impediment, insuring that it helped him in the girl pick up stakes.

  With that, a few of the girls all climbed on to the stage, but headed towards Claudie and started talking and touching him. All of a sudden, he was the centre of attraction, leaving Bluey and Nicky dejected and wondering what the hell he had, and that they didn’t. It was just as though he was the sex symbol; however he had contributed absolutely nothing in the way of attracting the girls during the evening. All he had done all night was to smoke and play the keyboard.

  Bluey made his way over to the blonde hopping to salvage something from the evening, even if it was just a kiss. However, just before he caught up with her, the doors at the other end of the room were suddenly flung open and a group of guys appeared and headed straight towards the stage. Bluey knew from the onset that there was going to be trouble and so he also headed back to the stage.

  The group of guys made it to the stage first as they grabbed Claudie and flung him to the floor, knocking over some of the gear in the process. Nicky grabbed one of the guys and flung him off the stage and onto the dance floor. While Bluey grabbed one from behind and flung him on top of Nicky’s first victim. It was lucky for the band that these guys were mostly drunk and so they were easy prey to control. Within just a few minutes, the trouble was all over as several of them lay in an untidy heap on the dance floor all moaning and groaning. Unfortunately, some of the gear became damaged in the disturbance as it was scattered across the stage.

  It turned out that the guys were the husbands and boyfriends of the hen’s party and that they had turned up to escort them home before anybody took advantage of their drunken state. They were last seem carrying out the bride laying in a curtain that they used as a stretcher, while waving her arms around and singing one of the Abba hits from way back.

  As for the band, well they had come off worse; there was a chance that the management might not have them back after the fight at the end. It had also cost them money because of the gear that had been damaged while trying to protect Claudie, who by the way had not lifted a single finger to help himself during the trouble. However, what hurt them the most was that none of them had scored a girl friend during the whole evening, and so once again, they were returning home empty handed.

  A few miles down the road and Terry reminded Bluey about the bags of horse manure they had passed earlier in the day was coming up. Pull over Bluey ordered and he jumped out and ran back to grab two of the bags. Then he opened the back of the van and threw them in on top of the guys and the gear. Within seconds, they were all complaining of the foul smell that accompanied the bags. Then, before anybody had a chance to do anything about it, Bluey slammed the door shut and locked it, and then climbed back into the front of the van.

  The noise within the van became deafening as they all started complaining about the smell and asking him what the hell he had picked it up for. I don’t know why you're all complaining, for once we got something for nothing, so it can't be all that bad, can it. It's for something I’ve been meaning to do for some time; I’ll tell you all about it later. In the mean time you had better get used to it, as its going to be around for a couple of days.

  He then turned around and with a smile on his face told them that their luck had finally changed, because now they were not going home empty handed, for once they were up on the deal.