Bittersweet She

by Grace Parkes

  Chapter 1

  Tasha stared out of the car window as she sat in her blood-splattered wedding dress, wondering if she had made the right decision or if she had just gone crazy. The way the car stormed through treacherous country roads was a visual representation of the winding thoughts invading Tasha’s mind.

  Tasha Robinson had endured two of the craziest years of her life.

  “Can you pull over? I need to get out. I feel…trapped,” Tasha exhaled, her complexion looking more ghostly than usual.

  The car came to a sudden halt and swerved in the next layby. Tasha dashed out of the vehicle, removed her wedding dress and hurled it over the side of the road into a lake.

  “God, I needed that. We need to get going. We’ve got to get out of here,” Tasha sighed as she got back in to the car and finally realised that she was free from it all.

  It was a dreary day In March in a small town called Wheatford, Tasha returned home from her mundane office job, walked into her small magnolia house and tripped over the large pile of dirty washing which she had left there in the morning.

  “Let me guess… you didn’t have time today Steven?” Tasha sighed, much like every other day at 5:30pm.

  This is usually where an argument would break out, however this time there was nothing but a long silence. It didn’t seem right. Tasha walked quietly through the hallway and into the living room to see Steven sprawled out on the rug in his boxer shorts, laying in his own vomit. Tasha’s heart started pounding harder as she ran over to him and began shouting at him to wake up.

  “Steve, STEVEN, come on! Wake up, please! What the hell has happened to you?”

  Steven grunted and rolled over onto his side.

  Tasha looked up to see the empty bottle of whisky next to the television.

  “Errr water… please,” Steven murmured.

  Subsequently Tasha stormed into the kitchen, filled up the mop bucket with water and continued to pour it over Steven’s body, which indeed resulted in him moving fast and regaining a steady pulse rate.

  “YOU are a waste of space, Steven. Get yourself cleaned up! Your mother is coming over tonight for food. It’s not even 6pm and you’re wasted. The house is a tip and you don’t give a shit about anything other than yourself. I’ve had enough of this!” Tasha screamed, conscious that this might make his pounding headache that little bit worse.

  Without any words, Steven made his way to the shower to wash away the dried vomit and any ounce of shame.

  Steven and Tasha met at school when they were both 15 years old. Steven (Mr Popular), the tall, dark-haired, handsome rugby player, asked Tasha to be his girlfriend and of course she said yes. 10 years later, the childhood sweethearts were not so sweet anymore, and Steven had become a grumpy man who prioritised beer and football over anything else. Tasha spent her days being shouted at by angry customers and then spent her evenings shouting angrily at Steven. This wasn’t the life she dreamt of when she was a little girl.

  Tasha had an average upbringing, a fairly happy childhood and grew into a well-rounded woman, yet a woman who was lacking the confidence to follow any dreams or aspirations. Steven was spoilt by his mother, hated his step-father and carried an attitude which didn’t sit well with most people, resulting in constant dismissals. Tasha and Steven’s relationship used to be more settled, but over time the pleasant, smooth surfaces started to crack. It’s maybe because Tasha decided to take responsibility in life, and became an independent adult, whilst Steven desired to be constantly mothered.

  At the start when they first moved in together, Tasha didn’t mind the mess. She liked looking after Steven and cleaning up after him, being the ideal girlfriend with plenty of patience and a constant positive attitude. In time, the dirty clothes covering the floor and the beer cans covering the worktops became quite an annoyance.

  Sex became more like a chore than an act of passion.

  Dead, lifeless missionary position.

  Grunting. Finishing. Sleeping.

  The kind of sex where you lie there thinking about the shopping list or what might happen next in your favourite Netflix series.

  All Tasha ever wanted was a nice boyfriend, who had a flare for romance and a passion for life, however she ended up with a drunk who couldn’t even use the oven or washing machine. Steven had more of a romance with his own mother.

  “Tash, can you get the door? Mum’s here,” Steven shouted from the bathroom, feeling slightly more refreshed.

  Steven’s mother was a sharp, bold character. Julia Mason, goes by Julie, hates the name Julia, always has always will. Shorter than most, plump figure and a bitter tongue if needs be. Julie worked as a domestic in a hospital, with a keen eye for detail and the gift of the gab. Julie tolerated Tasha, however she often made remarks about the fact of Tasha not being pregnant or showing any signs of getting married. Julie often clashed with Tasha as they had very conflicting views about the world therefore it didn’t take long for Tasha to realise that avoidance was the best method where possible, other than that, grin and bear it.

  “Good evening Julie, please come in and get yourself cosy. It’s freezing out there! Would you like a glass of white?” Tasha’s attempt of an overfriendly welcome.

  “When was the last time you got the duster out Tasha? Oh, and I could see the weeds in the garden a mile away love!” Julie sarcastically remarked, as usual, every time she visited.

  “Oh Steven, my handsome young man. Come here and give me a kiss. God look at you, you’re just skin and bones. Are you not getting fed around here? Tasha love, he’s wasting away!” Julie blurted.

  “Mother! I’m fine and eating perfectly well thank you. How are you? How’s Aunty Sue?” Steven replied.

  Aunty Sue was Julie’s friend who had recently had a mental breakdown and sadly ended up in a secure psychiatric unit. Sue had always had a fragile mind, however her recent divorce and the death of her much loved cat Barry, led to her into a deep depression and Sue was found naked in the middle of the road. After this she was sectioned and now resides in a low secure facility, still mourning Barry.

  “Aunty Sue is still… Sue my dear. She’s not had the best week, it was the anniversary of Barry’s death, but you know what, she’s safer where she is now. Getting help she is. Having some kind of therapy and working on her past traumas. We’re going out for a meal next Tuesday, maybe you’d like to come?” Julie replied.

  “Yeah definitely, I haven’t got anything on.” Steven said without hesitation.

  “Steven! You said we were going that couples cooking class next Tuesday, remember?” Tasha hastily interrupted.

  “Couples cooking? Jeez love, has it really come to that?” Julie laughed.

  Steven awkwardly, half-heartedly, smiled at Tasha and did not have anything else to say.

  Tasha rolled her eyes, glared at Steven and began walking up the stairs.

  “I’m not hungry. The foods in the oven and there is a salad in the fridge. Help yourself. I’m going to get in the bath and go to bed,” Tasha yawned as she walked into the bathroom.

  Julia then glared at Steven, rolled her eyes and proceeded to the kitchen to help herself to generous portions of lasagne.

  Tasha laid in her hot bath as the bubbles surrounded her tired, aching body. Her long brown hair draped into the water as she was surrounded by lit apple scented candles and nothing but the quiet of the bubbles quietly popping. As she soaked herself in lavender scented water, contemplating her life, and imagining Julia slowly choking on lasagne, the shrieking sound of the fire alarm began to bellow. Tasha jumped out of the water, threw on her dressing gown and ran downstairs as the smell of burning became stronger. As she ran into the kitchen, she saw Steven and Julia stood on the kitchen chairs wafting tea towels as they had forgo
tten and burnt the garlic bread in the oven. Tasha stood there staring at the charcoaled garlic bread, Steven’s moronic expression and Julie’s sarcastic smile. With one deep breath, Tasha went back upstairs, got dressed and decided to leave the house.

  Chapter 2

  The rainy evening was drawing in as Tasha laid herself across her best friend’s sofa staring into the ceiling, with a large glass of red wine and an even larger bar of Galaxy chocolate.

  “Seriously Jaz, I think it would be much easier if I had a girlfriend. Men are shit. At least a woman would understand me. It must be great having a girlfriend who can empathise when you start your period and know how nice a hot bath would be. The simple things in life.”

  Jaz stared at Tasha for a minute, as the thoughts of her previous relationships ran through her head.

  “Ha! You’ve got it all wrong. Being a lesbian will not fix it all, it’s not magic cure y’know? Also, synchronising periods isn’t that fun either! Think of how ratty you get when you’re due on, imagine two of that!? It’s not fun. Can you imagine sharing your clothes, shoes and even make up? Don’t get me wrong though, I wouldn’t change it for the world and I really can’t think of anything worse than waking up to Steven and his hairy chest and stubbly face in the morning – No offence”.

  “None taken. Anyway, I’ve never fancied a girl before. Apart from Sam Stone from school. Remember her?” Tasha smirked.

  Jaz laughed as she reminisced.

  “How could I forget Sam? The ultimate school butch lesbian icon. She was every straight girl’s lesbian wet dream. The Anne Lister of high school. I remember her chunky boots, thick black belt and the way her short hair always looked freshly cut. I remember you telling me how you secretly wished she was kissing you behind those bike sheds. I guess I was more like the geeky lesbian that nobody ever saw.”

  Jaz was one of Tasha’s closest friendships, they knew each other from the start of secondary school. With dyed purple or red hair, bold glasses and a love for alternative clothing and piercings, Jaz had a loud image which Tasha was always drawn to. Even though she had a heart of gold, Jaz had never been very popular, mainly due to her outspoken attitude and her strong feministic views. Some people admired her for it. Some people were not educated enough to know how to challenge her, so instead they simply avoided her.

  Jaz was openly out about being a lesbian from the age of fifteen but never had much luck in the department of love, until she moved away to Manchester for university, submersed herself in the gay scene spending her nights in Canal Street and went on an avid dating spree. Jaz eventually met a girl named Sophie, who was her true first love. Sophie was beautiful, intelligent, strong minded and everything Jaz desired in a woman… apart from she was also married to a man. After a sordid affair, Jaz was too deep in love to cope with Sophie having a husband, and Sophie was tied into a marriage, a nice house and lifestyle of which she did not want to give up. They went their separate ways and Jaz had been heartbroken ever since.

  “Ahh Sam Stone. She definitely was my girl crush. I can’t imagine being with a woman now though. I think it was only Sam for me.” Tasha laughed as she finished her glass of wine.

  Jaz topped up their glasses and started opening another bar of Galaxy. “You never know Tasha. Don’t put all your straight eggs in one big straight basket. There might be the woman of your dreams out there! Also, I’m sick of straight women moaning about the lack of orgasms in their relationship. Food for thought, that’s all.”

  “Doubt it Jaz. Anyway, what the hell am I going to do about Steven? He really is a mess. I feel like all I do is work, cook and clean. Talking about orgasms, I can’t even remember the last time I had one. I reckon I’ve forgotten how to. Even when I attempt to do something for the both of us his, either him or his mother ruin it all. I’m in my 20’s Jaz. I feel about 70. He brings nothing to my life and I just don’t know if I can be with him anymore” Tasha exhaled as she finished her new glass of wine and devoured half of the bar of Galaxy.

  Jaz stared at Tasha whilst she gulped her red wine and then fetched her a glass of water.

  “Listen. What you need is some you time. You’re never going to figure anything out if you don’t take yourself away from it all and enjoy yourself. I don’t think Steven is a terrible guy, I just think he doesn’t have a clue how to be a decent boyfriend because your relationship is all he’s ever known, and you’ve done everything for him. Before you, his mother did everything for him. Maybe some time away will push him to make some effort?”

  “Maybe. I wouldn’t know where to start with me time. I can’t even bathe in peace without him sat on the toilet, ruining the atmosphere and laughing about it,” Tasha sighed.

  “I’ve got a fantastic idea. I know we’re both off this weekend, so let’s go to Manchester! I’ll book us a hotel in Canal Street, and we will hit the town! Just us two, like the good old days. Afterwards we can get a chicken burger and then go and do some retail therapy on the Saturday? If we feel up for it…” Jaz explained excitedly with a large grin on her face.

  “Well… I guess if I didn’t go, I’d just be cleaning to house watching Steven play FIFA and waiting for Monday morning to come around as fast as it does whilst making fake conversations and probably dealing with pop in visits from Julie. I’m sold. You book it all and I’ll just transfer you the money” Tasha smiled, finished the bar of chocolate and got herself a beer. “You’re great Jaz. Maybe I can ‘wing-woman’ you while we’re away?”

  “Nah, not interested. You know how much I loved Sophie. Nothing compares to her. I know I need to get over it but I’m just not really ready. Thanks though.” Jaz sighed with dewy eyes.

  “It’s her loss mate. Regardless we’re going to have the best time away. I really need it. Also, I’m ringing in sick tomorrow. Everybody is entitled to a yearly fake sick day, aren’t they?” Tasha laughed.

  Jaz rubbed her hands together and her eyes lit up. “Good idea. I’ll make us a cooked breakfast and we can binge watch Grey’s Anatomy from season 1.”

  Tasha finished her beer and made herself cosy on the sofa, whilst Jaz started making her way to bed. They both slept soundly with no idea of the whirlwind ahead of them.

  Chapter 3

  With a loaded car full of snacks, singalong Spotify playlists and a bag of drinks, Jaz and Tasha were set for their journey to Manchester. Tasha had only worked a half day, giving herself an early start for their journey which would take about three hours on a clear run.

  Even though Tasha was fed up of her relationship with Steven, she still felt the need to look after him and was worried about leaving him for almost three whole days. This man could not look after himself. Tasha had prepared some meals and left them in the fridge, labelled them with microwave/oven instructions, and left out clean clothes.

  The suitcase was packed, and Tasha was raring to go.

  Ready to be free and live for the moment, rather than live looking after everybody else. Ready to leave the angry customers who shout at her everyday behind her.

  Ready to hit Manchester as hard as it could take her.

  “Steven, there’s food in the fridge and clean washing out on the bed. Please don’t burn the house down. I’ll be back on Sunday. Ring me if you need anything. Please, please, remember to feed the cat” Tasha exhaled.

  “I’ll be fine honestly. Mick is coming over later to watch the footie, then Mum’s over tomorrow. Have a nice time. Don’t go pulling any men,” Steven replied.

  “Oh of course she is,” Tasha murmured sarcastically under her breath. “Bye Steven.”

  Peg the cat stared up at Tasha, with desperation in her eyes. Tasha got the cat food out of the cupboard and left in on the side, with a sticky note that read “PEG’S FOOD”.

  “See you soon little Peg. You keep an eye on this house,” Tasha stroked Peg, grabbed her bag and strutted out of the door into the car with Jaz.

  “Off we go sister!” Tasha grinned.

  *****

  After a long
car journey, sore throats from singing and sickness from eating so many snacks, they arrived at their hotel in Canal Street. The heart of the gay scene. So much culture, life, fun and so much to see.

  So much different from stale old Wheatford.

  The two of them checked in, took their bags up to the room and started getting ready for their night out.

  “I’ve done something stupid Tasha. Please don’t kill me.” Jaz sheepishly expressed.

  Tasha frowned at Jaz. “Go on…”

  “I texted Sophie. I know I shouldn’t have. Before you say it, yes, it’s a stupid idea. I just couldn’t help myself.” Tasha blurted, slowly going redder in the face.

  “You idiot Jaz. She hurt you more than anything ever. What is it you like so much about her? You deserve someone who would give their all to you, not just when it suits them.” Tasha abruptly responded.

  Jaz looked at Tasha and began welling up.

  “Oh, come on, don’t get upset. I feel bad now. I just care about you. I love you! You’re my best friend. You’d say the same if it was me. Come on let’s have a drink and go out,” Tasha comforted Jaz and opened two cans of lager.

  “I know what’re you saying Tasha, but she replied to me, she’s single. She left Pete and she still lives in Didsbury. She’s out…tonight.” Jaz downed the can of lager and smiled at Tasha.

  “Please don’t tell me you’ve brought me to Manchester, for a night out, to be a gooseberry with you and the ex-love of your life!?” Tasha getting a little bit mad and a little flushed in the cheeks.

  “It won’t be like that at all. You used to like Sophie, remember? We can still have fun. I promise I wouldn’t leave you out or anything like that. I have to see her. I miss her every day,” Jaz explained as she opened up two more beers and poured a shot of something strong and apple flavoured.

  Tasha downed the shot in a flash and rolled her eyes at Jaz.

  “Fine… but I’m telling you I am not third wheeling and watching you all over her all night and please don’t bring her back here, otherwise I’m sleeping in reception!”