Reverb (Trojan Book 2)

by S. M. West

  She stiffens, eyes widening and landing on Jared who is still only staring at me.

  “Jared, please go.” My tone is firm despite my shaking legs, and he nods, finally relenting.

  His tall, lean frame is hunched, hair falling forward, obscuring his chiseled features as he leaves. His posture is that of a defeated man.

  The crackle of intense longing, aggressive and blatant, rips through me even after his foul and unbearable news. Warped and wounded, my heartbeat stalls, my lungs still, and it’s an overwhelming battle not to go after him.

  No matter the past, I’ll always love him.

  Always.

  As for the future, it’s no longer clear if we have one.

  I wipe at the tears and snot on my face, digging deep for the strength to deal with Bianca. I don’t know this person in front of me, and I don’t think I ever did.

  “What happened? Is Jared okay?” With a fleeting look into the hallway, she comes in without invitation, closing the door behind her.

  Just a look at her and the urge to throw up is overwhelming. We weren’t close growing up, but I love her. No, maybe it’s loved her. Because I can’t love someone who is capable of the lies and betrayal.

  “Who the hell are you?” I’m at a loss for what I feel. It’s as if I hardly know her. Did I ever?

  “What? What is going on?” She places her hands on her hips, frowning and using that tone, the one that suggests she thinks she’s in charge.

  I stare long and hard, seeing her for the first time in many years. “Why, Bianca?”

  “What are you talking about?” She tips her head to one side, one hand nervously tucking her hair behind her ears.

  “Jared told me.”

  “Told you what?” She now seems less confident, more awkward and self-conscious, perhaps now putting it all together.

  “Your threesome.” My contempt flies at her, and she staggers back as if pushed.

  “He says he was trying to connect with me.” My stomach curdles at the reason, not able to swallow it any more than I could when I first heard it. “What’s your reason? Were you trying to connect with me too?”

  My sneer doesn’t hide that if she tries the same excuse, it won’t fly. She gasps but stays transfixed, silent. Head throbbing and heart broken, I try to inhale a few calming breaths.

  “You see, as much as I hate it, I can kind of understand why he did it. He thought I was dead, so it makes sense he was trying to find something he lost. But not you, dear sister.” The word—sister—burns my tongue. “You knew I was alive.”

  “God, Eva, I’m so sorry. I never wanted you to know, even if Jared never discovered you were alive. I was mourning too. Yes, I knew where you were, but I was racked with guilt…still am.”

  She dares to step closer to me. “I missed our life, our parents, and you. And Jared reminded me of that. Every time I looked at him, I’d relive some memory from our childhood. Sometimes sweet and other times bitter, but either way welcomed. And I thought…”

  Her words are an infection twisting and spreading inside me to the point of excruciating pain. I understand wanting to hang on to the past, to relive days when our parents were happy and Mamá was alive. But that doesn’t excuse what she did.

  “What exactly did you think?” I curl my fingers into fists, trying to keep my fury in check.

  “I wanted to be close to them. To you. And thought being with Jared would do that.”

  “Seriously? So you’re saying you did it for the same reasons.”

  “Papi didn’t care if I worked with Jared. He didn’t care if I ran away or joined a harem. He never did. Not when we were kids and certainly not when we became adults.”

  She glances up at me and her eyes are thick with remorse. “You’re his favorite, his golden child. It was wrong what I did.”

  I will not feel guilt or take any responsibility for her actions because of my father. I will not.

  “Yes, I was high—the first and last time I ever did drugs—but I can’t deny I wanted to be you. I wanted to feel what it might be like to be you. To have someone love me more than anything else.”

  “You wanted to be me?” At first, I’m asking to make sure I have it right, but the longer she takes to answer, it becomes a statement. “You wanted to be me. Is that what this is all about?”

  Her dark hair hangs like a shroud around her, hiding her from my scrutiny, and she slumps into a chair. Normally, this is where I would back off. I’d want to be the peacemaker but not this time. We’re having this out, once and for all.

  “Answer me.” I step forward, crouching to get in her face. “I deserve to know the truth. This is bullshit. Your stench is everywhere. Let’s be real. Honest.”

  Then it happens. Her demeanor shifts and she straightens her spine, dark eyes narrowing as she stands. I do the same, stepping back and folding my arms.

  “Honest? You want me to tell you like it is?” Now advancing on me, her eyes as cold as steel.

  I don’t flinch or back away. We are finally getting somewhere. Her lips press together into a thin, white line and she stares.

  “Try living in your shadow all my goddamn life. Everyone loves Eva. Everyone thinks you’re perfect. Our parents, teachers, shit, even Tito. You should have heard the crap he’d spout about how sweet and pretty you were. How you were gonna break hearts.”

  She’s snide, sneering and prancing around mockingly. “Then when you and Jared got together, he’d go on and on about how lucky Jared was.”

  I watch, my anger feeding into my pain, and I ask, doubtfully, “This is about Tito?”

  “No,” she snaps. “This is about life always working out for you. Even after the accident, you had Abuelo, Papi and, shit, even Miguel, fawning all over you. Everyone was consumed with Eva.”

  She isn’t even trying to mask her hatred for me, and sadly, I’m not really surprised. I’d sensed the edge between us all our lives. I just didn’t realize how deep it ran.

  “Is that why you looked for Jared when Trojan hit the scene? You wanted to be part of his life?”

  She stops storming around the room to look at me. “No…yes, partly. This was my chance to see what it was like to be adored. I busted my ass to make Trojan one of the hottest bands in the world.”

  I bite back the desire to challenge her. Somehow she’s forgotten that Trojan was successful because of the amazing talent. The band members. She’s acting as if she singlehandedly made them world-famous. Delusional.

  “I just fucking wanted to know what it was like to be you. But nooo…Jared was all too happy to let me know I wasn’t you. And no matter how hard I worked, he didn’t see me for me.” She wipes at a tear, clenching her jaw.

  “He loves you. No, that doesn’t even begin to cover it. He barely spoke to me or looked at me for months after that night…shit, more like the better part of a year. He wasn’t cruel and didn’t blame me, but I think he blamed himself. He couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror.”

  She sounds almost remorseful, but I can’t forget that she knew exactly what she was doing.

  “No. You don’t get to tell me what Jared feels and what his motives were. You don’t get to act like you know him better.” I’m shouting, hands waving even as I sound petty and justified all at the same time.

  “You are so fucking lucky and you don’t even know it. If you walk away from him and his love, then you’re a fool. That man worships you and will until the day he dies.”

  Her envy suffocates me, and I blink back the burning in my eyes.

  “What do you care if Jared and I are together or not? From the looks of things, it sounds like you’d be good if I was alone forever. And what about lying for Papi? It doesn’t feel like you were forced into it. I’m guessing you wanted to do it, or maybe you even planted the idea?”

  I’m grasping now, but I can’t believe anything she’s told me. She doesn’t love me. In response, she snorts and rolls her eyes.

  “We’re done here. I can’t
get past this. I thought I knew you. We’re…sisters. But if I look back through our lives together, there are too many betrayals that I can no longer ignore or forgive. I can’t trust you. I never did anything to you, Bianca. You were my older sister. I looked up to you. Even when you made the wrong choices, I loved you.”

  “You just can’t help yourself, can you? Even now, do you hear yourself? Judging me for my choices. Who the hell do you think you are, Eva? You’re not perfect.”

  “No, I’m not, but I’m human. And I don’t know how or why I became your target. I didn’t force anyone to love me. You can’t make other people love you. All you can do is work on yourself.”

  I step closer to her, and she stiffens but stays put. “Bianca, you need to take a hard, cold look at your life. At what you’ve become because you and I both know, if Mamá was here today—”

  Her body tenses further. I have hit a nerve. Our mother meant the world to both of us.

  “Mamá would be gravely disappointed in you. You are not the daughter she raised.”

  She leans away from me, twisting her lips to hide what I think is trembling, and glares. Her hands ball into fists and her nostrils flare. I’m not sure if she’s going to hit me or hurl some more ugly, hateful words at me.

  We stand like that, suspended in our mutual disdain, for what feels like forever. Finally, she marches to the door, slamming it on her way out.

  My head pounds and my meds barely do anything to dull the pain, let alone get rid of it. The anguish of losing my sister—although I’m not so sure we ever had anything to lose—and Jared is debilitating.

  I can’t believe this is how we end, and as much as I don’t want that to be the case, I’m not sure I can get over this.

  Shutting out the world for several days, I text Pansy about not doing yoga without explanation and then turn off my phone. Several people knock on the room door despite the Do Not Disturb sign. And sometimes, they’ll call my name, letting me know that it’s Miguel or my father.

  Jared doesn’t come. I’m not too sure how I feel about that. I appreciate he is respecting my wishes and giving me space but also wonder if he has given up. Has he stopped fighting for us?

  Maybe it’s better this way. The way it’s meant to be.

  Sleep eludes me, and meditation is harder than ever before. I’m too wrecked to shut my eyes or calm my mind for any length of time.

  Yet, in those brief moments where my body finally succumbs to slumber, the interlude is short and tumultuous, rife with memories of Jared.

  Our park in the pouring rain.

  His lips on mine cloaked by shadows of the Jeep.

  Watching him work at Romano’s while I did homework.

  The car sliding along the slick pavement and smashing into a pole.

  29

  No matter the battle

  JARED

  “Silas, I need help.”

  The sound of the rolling waves of the Pacific Ocean are hypnotizing. It’s still too dark to make out the water from where I am.

  “Jared?” Pansy answers Silas’s phone, sounding disorientated as she should since I woke her up. “Where are you?”

  “Shit, Pansy. Sorry.”

  “No, no, it’s okay.” I can hear the concern in her voice, and I feel like a shit. “Tell me where you are.”

  “In my car, outside of your house.”

  “Okay. Jared, come inside.” One side of their house is all frosted glass and a light now blinks on, illuminating the glass of the top floor. “Silas is coming down.”

  “Fuck, I shouldn’t have called.” I rest my head on the steering wheel and close my burning eyes. “I just couldn’t…I couldn’t be alone. I was…”

  “Hey, it’s okay. Just hang on. We’re glad you called.”

  There’s a light rapping on the driver side window, and I lift my head to see Silas motioning for me to open the door.

  “Fuck, J, come inside.” He unbuckles my seat belt and pulls me from the car.

  He’s trying to be subtle but I catch him sniffing, checking, as he leans into my side.

  “I haven’t been drinking. And I haven’t taken anything.” I pull from his grasp, walking beside him into his house. “I want to. Fuck, I want to lose myself in a bottle of pills.”

  He stills beside me, wheeling to face me, and Pansy gasps, stopping midstep on her way down the staircase.

  “Relax, I’m not going to use. I don’t have shit on me. I’ve talked to and seen my sponsor every day for the past few days. And I’m going to NA meetings. Sometimes twice daily.”

  “What happened?” Silas flicks off the front light as we head up to their living room.

  They sit side by side on a chair, and I sprawl on the couch, resting my head back on the arm, eyes closed. I tell them everything. It’s been five days since telling Eva.

  I’ve been in hell, trying so hard to give her time. Then I broke down two days ago and started texting and calling.

  Nothing.

  Her phone must be off, because all my calls go to voicemail and in no time at all, her mailbox was full. Then I called the hotel—too many times to count—until I finally found someone who was willing to get me some information. It only took some free Trojan swag and a promise of tickets to my first concert.

  The woman I spoke with told me that Eva hasn’t allowed the hotel staff into the room since the day we talked. In fact, she’s instructed the hotel to leave her alone until otherwise instructed.

  I’m not proud of using my fame, but I also won’t pretend I’m above it. Those morsels of information about Eva aren’t enough, but they gave me peace of mind for what? Half a day? And then I drove myself crazy again.

  Every minute feels like a year, long and unbearable. I just need to get through each minute, each day, and all I think about is Eva.

  Or drugs…to numb the pain, to end this suffering and the fucking thoughts of life without her. I can’t go back to living without her. Not now, not after I’ve had her again. I know she’s alive.

  “Stay here as long as you want,” Silas says once I’m done baring my soul.

  “This explains Eva’s text about yoga, and I’ve tried calling her.” Pansy looks anywhere but at me.

  “What?” I want more.

  “Look, guys, you may not want to hear this.” She sits up straighter, looking from Silas to me, her gaze solemn.

  “What is it?” Silas grabs her hand, squeezing.

  “I obviously don’t have the history with Bianca that Eva does, or you, Jared, but…when I found out about the three of you, I kept a lot of crap buried. I knew logically what happened was before my time, before Silas and I were together. But that didn’t make it hurt any less or make it any easier.”

  Silas and Pansy share a look, suggesting they’ve talked about this before.

  “I don’t know Eva that well, so all I can do is guess based on how I would feel if it were one of my sisters with Silas. It would be difficult to forgive, and…”

  “Go on.” I slide my back along the couch until I’m upright, not surprised by what she’s saying but also needing to hear it.

  “She may need more than time.”

  “What are you saying?” I lean forward, rubbing my fingers at my temples.

  “Just that she loves you—even I can see that without really knowing her—but…”

  “Love might not be enough,” I say for her, and she nods, pressing her lips together. “Yeah, I know.”

  I stand, raking a hand through my hair and looking over at my friends. “Look, I’m sorry for waking you up at the crack of dawn. I was feeling weak, and I appreciate you hearing me out.”

  “You can stay.” Pansy gets to her feet.

  “Yeah, stay. We’ll make breakfast and maybe Pansy will finally get her chance to teach us yoga.” Silas rests his hand on my shoulder. “It can’t hurt.”

  I smirk, shaking my head. “Another time. I’m feeling okay, really. But thanks, and I’ll call you.”

  On the way home, I take
a detour to the hotel where Eva is staying. It isn’t planned, but the thought of going back to my place to stew some more is sickening.

  To make matters worse, she doesn’t answer her door. I try longer than I should, finally resting my head on the wooden door in frustration.

  “She isn’t there.”

  I lift my head in the direction of the voice, and standing almost beside me is a young woman, hair wet, in a white fluffy hotel robe.

  “Sorry?” I straighten and turn to face her.

  “Our rooms are across from each other. We went down to the pool at the same time. She’s still there.” She smiles at me and there’s that familiar glint in her eye—she knows who I am.

  It’s sad to say, but people tell famous people way more than they’d tell some random stranger. It’s like their survival instincts to be wary and keep their mouths shut get hijacked around a celebrity.

  “The pool? Where is it?”

  “I can show you.” She heads toward the elevator, glancing over her shoulder to make sure I’m following.

  “That’s okay. If you tell me where it is, I’ll find it.” I shove a hand into my pocket and smile.

  “Okay. It’s on the fourth floor.” She pushes the down button at the elevator, never taking her eyes off me.

  “Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

  “No problem.” She beams, slowly turning on her heel, and I start to think this was easier than I expected when she seems to think better of it and stops. “Are you…Jared Grange?”

  “The one and only.” I give her one of my lopsided grins, putting on the rock star persona.

  “Oh my God, I thought so. I loved you in Trojan. I was so upset when you guys broke up.”

  “Hey, we didn’t break up. We retired.” I don’t know why, but it bothers me when people make it sound like the relationship soured.

  The thought causes my stomach to churn at just how close that is to how things stand between Eva and me.

  “Oh, yes, sorry.” She bats her eyelashes and the elevator door opens. “Is it true your debut solo album is coming soon?”