Leaving Roman

by Becca Jameson

  I settle on a park bench and tip my head back, letting the sunshine dance across my face between the leaves of the enormous oak trees surrounding me. I wish I were the sort of person who could fully step out of my role as Master Roman’s little and ignore that side of myself for a while. A vacation. A vacation from myself. From my life.

  I’m not, of course. I can’t quite bring myself to break most of his rules. Not without negotiating. It’s just not in me. I’ve been doing as I’ve been told for three years. I’m not sure I could break Master Roman’s rules even if he left me, or God forbid, died. I’d be lost.

  “Lucy?”

  I jerk my head forward to find a man standing a few feet away. I don’t know him. I’m certain I’ve never seen him before. And yet, he knows my name. I’m not sure how to respond. It seems unlikely that Master Roman would have someone following me or approach me. He knows that would scare me out of my mind and infuriate me at the same time.

  The man is about five nine. His hair is brown and curly and in need of a cut. It drapes over his forehead. He’s ordinary. Medium build. Jeans. A worn navy T-shirt with some sort of band logo. He tucks his fingers in his front pockets and rocks back on his feet, clearing his throat. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” He gives me a slight smile that brings out dimples and crinkles his dark brown eyes.

  “Do I know you?” I draw my cardigan around me tighter and fist my hands in the material, fighting off a shudder that climbs up my spine. I doubt I look out of the ordinary to most people. I’m wearing a school T-shirt under my brown cardigan, jeans, and tennis shoes. My hair is in one long braid down my back. Except for the fact that I’m not wearing makeup and it’s a bit too warm for a sweater, I don’t think I stand out.

  The man takes another step closer. “Not yet.” His gaze travels up and down my body, making me uncomfortable. I don’t like people staring at me. I never have. Even before I met Master Roman. “I’m Daven Neill. Your half brother.”

  I stare at him, not blinking, trying to absorb what he’s announced. This is Daven? The brother who sent me a letter and then vanished?

  “Sorry to show up like this. Unannounced, I mean. I didn’t have a phone number for you or anything, and I realized you are no longer living at the same address where I sent you a letter a few years ago.” His brows rise. “Did you even get that letter?”

  I pull in a breath. “Yes.”

  He nods. “Oh good. I mean, I’m glad you got it. At least this isn’t the first moment you’re hearing about me.”

  I’m stunned, and I stare at him. He’s undoubtedly telling the truth. His features are very similar to mine. Uncanny, considering we only share a father. We have the same hair and eyes. The same cheekbones and dimples. “I tried to find you. The number you left was disconnected, and the address was no longer yours.”

  “Yeah. Sorry about that. I wasn’t sure if you were still living at the address I had for you either, and then I got a long-term job in another state and moved.”

  “How did you find me? I mean now?”

  He points at the other end of the bench, and I nod, giving him permission to sit next to me. “It wasn’t easy, actually. I wasn’t sure you were still in the Seattle area. And then I saw a picture of you from your graduation.”

  I flinch. “A picture? Where?”

  “In the paper.” He cocks his head to one side, his eyes drawn together as if he’s confused.

  Why would there be a picture of me in the paper from my graduation? What paper? Why would he be looking through local papers?

  “Not the physical paper, of course,” he continues. “I googled you. It was a longshot, but I quickly got a hit.”

  I frown, not coming even close to understanding how this was possible. “I didn’t share any pictures from that day,” I point out. And I don’t have social media. No way would Master Roman have posted something about me somewhere. He’s far too protective for that. And he knows how private I am.

  Daven tips his head to one side again. “I’m sure someone from the press took it. You were with a man. I assume he’s your boyfriend?”

  I’m still stunned. I had no idea anyone took a picture of us or that it was out there somewhere.

  Daven pulls his phone from his pocket and dips his head toward it, tapping the screen rapidly for a few moments. Finally, he holds the phone out for me to see. Indeed, right there on the screen is a candid photograph of me with Master Roman. His arm is possessively around my waist. My head is tipped back. I’m looking up at him smiling.

  I remember that moment. I’d been so happy. I can feel his palm spread against my lower back even now. The warmth radiating from his hand and his eyes. He’d been so proud of me. It was my moment to shine.

  I lower my gaze to the caption.

  Local millionaire and coveted bachelor, Roman Cortell, seems to be off the market. Has he found love with the much younger college graduate, Lucy Neill?

  Holy shit. I can’t believe it. I keep staring, taking in the expressions on both our faces while a tightness grips at my stomach. I miss Master Roman so much in this moment.

  Finally, after holding Daven’s phone for an awkward length of time, I lift my gaze and hand it back to him.

  “That is you, right?” he asks.

  “Yes. I didn’t know anyone was following us.”

  “So, you’re really dating this rich guy?”

  I flinch and lift my gaze to find him smiling.

  “That’s so cool. My sister has a rich boyfriend.” He pockets the phone.

  I’m instantly taken aback. Uncomfortable. Sure, I know Master Roman is rich. I’ve always known that. I’ve never once thought much about it. I don’t care. It’s of no consequence to me whatsoever. I’m also not comfortable discussing Master Roman with this man who claims to be my brother. I lick my lips and change the subject. “How did you find me specifically here? Today, I mean.” I tug my sweater back around me again, holding it as though I’m chilled.

  He shrugs. “Oh, that was easy. Found your address from a Google search.”

  “My address?” I narrow my gaze.

  “Well, yeah. For your apartment. I went there first. You weren’t home. So, I came here to wait a bit and try again. It was a coincidence that I saw you sitting here.”

  I’m dumbfounded. I shouldn’t be shocked that I’m listed as the renter for the apartment. That’s so totally Master Roman’s style. He would put the apartment in my name. I hadn’t realized how easily someone could track another person down that way.

  Daven leans back, lifting his hands up, palms out. “Sorry. That sounds creepy now that I think about it. I was just so eager to find you. I got carried away.”

  I shrug, trying not to act stranger than I’m certain I already am and force a small smile. “It’s okay. I’d probably do the same thing if I knew what city you lived in. I tried to find you.” Not hard. I don’t tell him this. I was torn about tracking him down at all three years ago. That’s why I didn’t encourage Master Roman to pursue it. My life felt uncertain and volatile at the time. I didn’t want to mix my new world with anyone, especially not some unknown brother.

  Is today different? Not really. I still have no interest in outing my lifestyle to this half brother of mine. And right now, in my state of unease, I’m completely unwilling to discuss my private life.

  Daven swallows. “So…” He shifts in his seat. “I can’t believe I actually found you, and I’m talking to you.” He smiles wider. “I have a sister. It’s real.”

  I force another small smile. This is surreal. I don’t know what to say. “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “I was hoping you could tell me about my, or uh, our, dad. I never met him.”

  “Not much to tell. I was only ten when he died.” Now that I’m sitting here, caught totally off guard and unprepared, I’m not sure how much to share. This man never met our father, Charles Neill. I’ve never planned what I would tell him about the father who didn’t seem to want me.

  Daven sc
runches his eyes together. “Ten is kinda old. I mean, you surely have a lot of memories from before you were ten.”

  Not good ones. I slowly inhale. “We lived on a small farm. We had chickens and a few outside dogs and cats.” I shrug nonchalantly, knowing I have shared nothing.

  Daven hesitates a moment. “You never had any other brothers or sisters?”

  I shake my head. “No. It was just the three of us.”

  “And what happened to your mom?”

  “She died a year after my father from breast cancer.”

  “Oh, God. I’m sorry. That must have been horrible. Where did you go next?”

  “Chicago. To live with my mother’s mother.”

  He nods slowly.

  “What about your mother?”

  He takes a breath and blows it out. “She died a little over three years ago. I didn’t know anything about my father until after she died. I was going through some of her things and found out who he was from her journal. I never knew a thing about him or that you existed until that day. I tried to keep her farm going after she passed, but it was already under water, so I sold it and took a job driving a rig. I’ve been on the road ever since.”

  “And now?”

  He sighs again and glances away. “Yeah, I left that job a few months ago. I’ve been kinda in limbo since then. That’s why I decided to look for you again. I mean, I had the time. I was surprised when I easily found you.”

  I’m as surprised as him. And still unnerved. It’s eerie how easy it obviously is to track someone down. Not that I should care. Who else in the world would ever be looking for me?

  “Do you have pictures of our dad? I’d love to see what he looked like. All I have is his name.”

  I nod slowly. “Yeah. I have a few.”

  Daven stares at me again. “I get the feeling you didn’t care for him much.”

  I glance away. “I don’t mean to be crass, but I think you got the better end of the deal.” There. I’ll lay it all out. He might as well know. Why sugarcoat it? It’s not as if he will ever meet the man. Who cares if I shatter his hopes that his dad was a great guy?

  Daven blows out a breath. “Yikes. I’m sorry. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve spent the last few years pretending he had a legitimate reason for leaving me and would have been the best father in the world if he’d had the chance. It was a fantasy.”

  “Maybe he didn’t know about you?” I suggest.

  Daven inhales deeply. “He knew. There was some correspondence between him and my mother. I can tell from her journal. She was very sad that he left her when he found out she was pregnant. Furious. And then he moved away and didn’t contact her. She didn’t try to find him apparently. Instead, she raised me on her own.”

  I meet his gaze. “Honestly, I wish he had done the same to my mother.”

  Daven winces. “That sucks. Was it bad?”

  I shrug. “Mostly he just ignored me. He clearly didn’t want me. Most of my memories are of him shouting at my mother and me cowering in a corner trying to stay out of his line of sight.”

  “God, that sucks. My mother loved me to pieces. I don’t think she would have let anyone yell at me.”

  “My mother wasn’t that strong.”

  “But she loved you, right?”

  I lift one shoulder. “Not enough. Not enough to get out of that situation. She was meek and kept to herself. I don’t remember her having any friends. Probably because she was worried about my father having one of his tantrums in front of them.”

  “That really sucks, Lucy. I’m sorry. What about your grandmother? Did your life improve when you moved to Chicago?”

  I give a sharp laugh before I can stop myself. “Ha. Hardly. There was a reason I never knew I had a grandmother until my mother died.”

  Daven winces again. “Jesus. You make my life seem like a dozen roses. And here I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, thinking you were so lucky that you had our father growing up while I never knew him.”

  I feel kind of bad for painting such a bleak picture. I hadn’t meant to reveal so much. I rarely talk about my childhood with anyone. Something about Daven has opened me up. Maybe it’s just the fact that I’m a little off-kilter from realizing I’m actually talking to a blood relative. Someone who isn’t a bad person. Before today I’ve only known three blood relatives in my life, and all of them let me down. Maybe that was half the reason I didn’t search for Daven. What if he lets me down too?

  I’m skeptical, but hoping he won’t. Maybe, just maybe, this is my chance to have some actual family. Not that I have the first clue how to let him into my life, but I’m not living in my real life right now. I’m living in a pretend world in an apartment I barely know. Alone. As long as this is my situation, I might as well get to know this brother of mine.

  I sit up straighter. “Do you want to come back to my apartment? I have some photos packed in some old boxes. I’d be happy to show you.”

  Daven gives me a genuine smile, relaxing. “I’d like that. Thank you.”

  I push to standing. This is still awkward. I don’t really know this man, but he does look like me, and when he first contacted me three years ago, Master Roman vetted him. I have no reason to doubt he is who he says he is.

  I shudder as we walk in silence, picturing a scene from Annie, the one where a couple pretends to be Annie’s parents, just so they can get the reward money. It’s absurd, of course. I have no reason to doubt Daven is my brother. And though he does seem to be without a job at the moment, it’s not like there’s reward money for finding me.

  “So, tell me about this boyfriend of yours.” Daven slides me a sideways glance as we walk toward my apartment. “Where did you meet? How long have you been together? How serious is it?”

  I’m not really interested in sharing Master Roman with him. Not yet. I’m not ready. I decide to make light of the situation for now even though if someone had asked me that same question last week, I would have told them that Master Roman hung the moon and the stars and that we were practically married.

  My chest tightens at the thought. Never once has Master Roman mentioned marriage to me. I’m not sure he’s interested in me that way. It’s not a step we could take right now anyway. I don’t know where our future lies at all.

  Nevertheless, my relationship and its problems are not something I’m willing to share. Not at all. “We’ve been, uh, dating, a while. I’m not sure how serious it is.” I’m intentionally vague, and I lift my gaze and change the subject. “What about you? Do you have a girlfriend? Have you ever been married? Kids?”

  He scrunches up his face in mock horror. “Nope. Nope. Definitely not.” At least he doesn’t regale me with more questions. I’m not sure I have the wits to respond to them right now.

  Chapter 17

  Lucy

  * * *

  It’s not until we enter my apartment that I realize this is going to be strange. For one thing, I don’t know my way around this place where Daven thinks I live. I haven’t been here long enough, nor have I been paying attention or cared.

  For another thing, if he entered my bedroom, he would find out I’m living from a suitcase and that my clothes are not in my closet. I’ll need to avoid giving him a tour.

  And lastly, and perhaps the oddest of all, the boxes I referred to that contain pictures of my father are on the living room floor. How ironic will that seem?

  I point toward the couch as we enter, wringing my hands together. “Believe it or not, I was reminiscing earlier. I pulled the boxes from my childhood out of the closet and was going through them.”

  Daven glances at me as he lowers onto the sofa. “That’s so crazy. Must have been fate.” He doesn’t seem to question the situation further. And honestly, it’s the truth.

  I round to the other side of the coffee table and sit in an armchair, pulling the box that contains photos closer. It only takes me a moment to locate a stack of pictures and another few seconds to rifle through them and find ones o
f my father.

  As I offer several to him from across the slight distance, he meets my gaze. “I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I know this must be weird for you.” He takes the pictures and slowly flips through them. “I guess we both look like him, don’t we?” he murmurs. “I always wondered. Until I saw you, of course.”

  “Yeah. He had dark wavy hair and brown eyes. I got my pale skin from my mother, but the rest was all him.”

  Daven has darker skin than me, but that could be from the sun. Otherwise, he’s right. We both favor Charles Neill.

  “Wow. It’s so surreal seeing these pictures.” He continues to flip through them. “Did he ever smile?”

  “Not often. I rarely saw him happy. He seemed to be born angry.”

  “I wonder how our mothers ended up with him in the first place,” Daven muses absently.

  I’m happy to have a few moments to stare at Daven while he’s not looking at me. I’m still shocked that he’s actually here. In Seattle. In my apartment. In my life. Hell, frankly, I’m shocked that he really exists. I’ve put him out of my mind most of the time, not bothering to wonder about him.

  And now he’s here.

  It occurs to me that I should probably offer him a beverage. “Would you like something to drink? I’m afraid I don’t have much. Milk and water is about it.”

  He chuckles. “That’s okay. I’m fine. I’m not sure I’ve had either milk or water in a long time.”

  “You don’t drink water?” I realize my question is odd. I’m sure many people don’t drink water.

  “Not on purpose. I’m more of a soda and beer kind of guy.”

  I nod. What can I say? Master Roman doesn’t let me have sweet sodas, and I’ve never had alcohol. Shall I tell him Master Roman insists I have milk for breakfast and that I’m only permitted water the rest of the day except on special occasions if I behave? Wouldn’t that be a hoot. The thought of sharing something like that reminds me that I live in a very different world most of the time.