Sherlock Holmes Great War Parodies and Pastiches I

by Bill Peschel

  At the height of his speech, he shouted, “Here, stood Tahatawan; and there is Tahatawan’s arrowhead.” They sat down, Thoreau wrote, “and I, to carry out the joke, to lay bare an ordinary stone which my whim had selected, when lo! the first I laid hands on, the grubbing stone that was to be, proved a most perfect arrowhead, as sharp as if just from the hands of the Indian fabricator!!!”

  Have their advocates: Mecca: One of many brands of cigarettes owned by James “Buck” Duke (1856-1925), head of the American Tobacco Co. Duke succeeded in forming a monopoly by buying up more than 200 firms, but American Tobacco was forced to break up in 1911. Mecca was a Turkish tobacco noted for distributing cigarette cards that included stars of stage, movies, and sports. Sweet Caporal: A brand that used Virginia-grown tobacco that at one time accounted for half the sales in Canada. Turkish Trophies: A brand similar to Mecca that also issued cards on many subjects. One artist in particular, Hamilton King (1871-1941), was noted for his portrayal of women for this brand as well as Coca-Cola. The Society of Illustrators still gives out the Hamilton King award for excellence in illustration.

  Sensible Chewing Plug: The brand of tobacco in which the leaves are soaked in molasses and shaped into a brick (as opposed to shredded loosely or twisted like a rope).

  Page and Shaw’s: A luxury brand of candy manufactured in Boston. In the novel Meet Me in St. Louis (1942), set in 1903, suitors would bring a large box of Page and Shaw to court with. Mogul Diamond Jim Brady (1856-1917) was so fond of the candy that when his orders outstripped the company’s manufacturing capacity, he gave them an interest-free loan to expand.

  Somerset and Shrafft’s: Two candy brands. Nothing is known about Somerset candy. Founded in 1861, Shrafft’s candy was made in Charlestown, Mass., expanded into stores in the early years of the 20th century, and restaurants and motor inns during the 1950s and 1960s. The company was bought by PET Milk in 1967.

  Peter’s Milk Chocolate: A company founded by Swiss confectioner Daniel Peter (1836-1919), who invented milk chocolate in 1875 with the help of his neighbor, Henri Nestlé, the head of Farine Lactée Henri Nestlé. (The Nestlé company that we know today was created in 1905 from its merger with the Anglo-Swiss Milk Co.) Peter’s Milk Chocolate opened its first American plant in Fulton, N.Y., in 1908. The company would be acquired by Nestlé in 1951, then sold to Cargill, Inc., in 2002, which sells the chocolate today.

  Masticulated: In 1903, health-food huckster Horace Fletcher (1849-1919) launched Fletcherism, also called the Chewing Diet. He advocated chewing your food 32 times—one for each tooth—and spitting out the remains. Fletcherism, he said, promised to turn “a pitiable glutton into an intelligent epicurean.” Despite the complete lack of scientific evidence, the fad swept the nation and made Fletcher a millionaire.

  Shredded Wheat Biscuits: Breakfast cereal invented by inventor and businessman Henry Perky (1843-1906) in Denver, Colo., after seeing a diner treating his dyspepsia with wheat mixed with cream. The pillow-like dry cereal was first marketed in 1893 in the United States as a vegetarian alternative for breakfast.

  Parlor Safety Match box: The invention of the match involved decades of work by chemists in England and Europe to refine the chemical mixture that would ignite when struck. The first matches were a mix of sulfur tipped with antimony, potash and gum. These ignited so easily and burned so furiously that they were banned in France and Germany. An improvement using white phosphorus caused the workers making them to develop phossy jaw and other bone disorders. Accidental deaths and suicides rose from eating the match heads. The health issues were so serious that 1,400 London matchgirls at the Bryant and May Factory struck in 1888. The strikers’ demands grew to include reducing the 14-hour work days, boosting wages, and eliminating unfair fines. After about two weeks, a negotiated settlement was reached. It wouldn’t be until 1910 that the use of white phosphorous in matches was banned.

  Parlor matches were invented in 1862 when Charles W. Smith replaced the sulfur in the match head with paraffin, creating a match that gave off less objectionable fumes (and presumably suitable for use in a parlor). When manufacturers figured out that they could separate the reactive ingredients in phosphorous and put one on the match heads and the other on the striking surface, they created “safety matches” that could not be accidentally ignited. Safety matches remain popular in Europe, while in America you can still get friction matches that can be lit by striking on any surface (or, if you’re really cool, with your thumbnail).

  Boswell: A reference to James Boswell (1740-1795), who befriended and later wrote a biography of author Samuel Johnson (1709-1784). His Life of Samuel Johnson is recognized as the first modern biography, and Boswell entered the language as someone who chronicles a friend’s life. In “A Scandal in Bohemia,” Holmes compliments Dr. Watson by saying, “I am lost without my Boswell.”

  Marathon: Here we’re seeing the sometimes glacial pace of language change. A marathon is commonly known as a long-distance race. It is derived from the town in Greece where Athens defeated Persia in 490 B.C.E. After the battle, an Athenian runner named Pheidippides was ordered to run to Athens to announce the victory, whereupon he died of exhaustion. When the first modern Olympics were held in Athens in 1896, the organizers drew on that story to create the race we know today, basing the distance of about 25 miles on that from Marathon to Athens. Because its name is based on the town, the name was capitalized for years thereafter.

  Meridian: An imaginary arc drawn from the North Pole to the South Pole. The sun would be midway between its rising and setting point when it reaches the meridian directly overhead.

  Wagner: Richard Wagner (1813-1883), the German composer best known for the four-opera cycle The Ring of the Nibelung.

  Bromley: A London borough, incorporated in 1903. It had been a market town since 1158 until it was swallowed by the city’s growth.

  Half-soled: Repaired by applying a half-sole to the forward half of the shoe.

  ’Bus: The reversed apostrophe indicates that the word is a contraction, in this case of “omnibus.” Originally, they were large horse-drawn wagons used to haul passengers through cities, and were called by the Latin phrase meaning “for all.” As motorized transport began to replace horse-drawn vehicles in the 1900s, the word was shortened by popular usage to ‘bus or autobus before becoming its own word.

  Pocket microscope: The first microscope designed to be portable was developed by London watchmaker George Lindsey in the 1740s. By this time, the design had been refined to resemble a brass barrel mounted on a tripod, with a mirror at the base of one leg to reflect light through a metal frame.

  Scouted: Not a typo, just a rarely used second definition that means “to reject with scorn,” similar to the Old Norse word skuta or skuti for “taunt.”

  Carbon dioxide: The writer apparently confused this gas, which is exhaled by humans and animals, with carbon monoxide, which is poisonous. The other facts are true.

  One single fault: The narrator apparently forgot the numerous mistakes Holmes made, beginning with underestimating Irene Adler in the first short story, “A Scandal in Bohemia.”

  Bunsen burner: A small device capable of burning gas from coal, methane, or petroleum for use in experiments. Designed by German chemist Robert Bunsen (1811-1899), the burner generated a hot flame with minimal brightness and no soot. The heat can be controlled with a valve that mixes the gas with air.

  Litmus: A paper soaked with a dye derived from lichens and allowed to dry. When the paper is dipped into a liquid, it changes color showing whether the liquid is acidic or alkaline. As a result, the term “litmus test” is used outside of the lab as a metaphor for a guaranteed response to something (e.g., “the chairman wants a litmus test about who joins the party.”)

  Sporting paper: A newspaper that only covers sports. One popular sporting paper was The Sporting Times, a weekly particularly devoted to horse racing. It was known as “The Pink “Un” for its pink newsprint.

  Staggers: A disease found i
n farm animals caused by parasites or a metabolic disorder that creates an inability to stand or walk steadily.

  Horse-marine: The word has several meanings, some serious and some satirical. While horse marines existed in the U.S. Marine Corps in the later 19th century, the British Army had no official horse marine units, but some marine regiments were equipped with horses. In the Royal Navy, where marines were stationed aboard ships to fire on the enemy, lead raiding parties (and keep mutinous crews in line), the sailors used the term against anyone who had worse seamanship skills than the marines. In 1868, English music hall singer William Lingard’s “Captin’ Jinks of the Horse Marines” was a popular success about an unsuccessful soldier who sang:

  The first day I went out to drill

  The bugle sound made me quite ill,

  At the Balance step my hat it fell,

  And that wouldn’t do for the Army

  Dipsomaniac: An older term for alcoholic. It is still used today to describe someone who compulsively drinks. The word combines the Greek dipso for thirst, and mania for madness or frenzy.

  Deep mourning: Mourning rites were still in place for the middle and upper classes during the Edwardian period, but moving slowly away from the heavy demands imposed during the Victorian age. For example, widows were permitted to wear dresses with black crepe trimming for the first six to eight months instead of the raven-like black crepe dresses for a year, and the heavy veiled bonnet could be dispensed for a lighter model after two months (men could get away with wearing anything black; even a black armband was acceptable). The widow was still forbidden from attending the funeral and burial, and could not receive visitors nor issue invitations for three months, and attending a ball or dance for the first year was a fatal social faux pas.

  Hansom: A two-wheel horse-drawn carriage that was fast and light. They were used as cabs in the cities. Name for its designer, York architect Joseph Hansom (1803-1882).

  Indigo merchant: A businessman who deals in the plant dye from India that ranges from deep, rich blue to violet. Indigo has been in use since 4000 B.C.E. in Peru and India.

  Malster: Someone who produces malt from barley used in the production of beer. Gloucestershire is a county in southwest England, on the border with Wales.

  Craven: A district in North Yorkshire about 235 miles north of London.

  Leeds: A city in West Yorkshire.

  River Aire: A major river in Yorkshire that passes through Leeds.

  I mean Dr. Spotson: A joke referring to the belief that Conan Doyle did not write the stories, but acted as literary agent for Dr. Watson. Two years after this story appeared, Ronald Knox published “Studies in the Literature of Sherlock Holmes,” one of the first papers that is part of “the game” played by fans as a way of explaining Conan Doyle’s role in a world where Sherlock and Watson are real.

  Twenty-five guineas: A guinea is a coin worth one pound plus one shilling (or 21 shillings). The coin was originally made of gold from the Guinea region in West Africa hence its name. Its value fluctuated between 20 and 30 shillings until it was fixed in 1816. The coin was replaced by the pound that year, but guineas continued to circulate, and because of its aristocratic overtones (and hidden surcharge), a number of items were priced in guineas, such as professional fees, auctioned livestock and racehorses, art, bespoke tailoring and other luxuries. Twenty-five guineas (£26 and 5 shillings) would be worth in 2017 about £1,244 ($1,605).

  For its sweet sake: A poetical phrase that does not seem to be tied to any particular source. Although love is the object in several stories (“No sacrifice ever appeared to me great, that was made for its sweet sake”; Ethel Churchill by L.E. Landon), it has also been applied to subjects as varied as an old man adopting his grandson after his mother dies in childbirth (“Time leaves him fit for little but to take / The orphan in his arms and live for its sweet sake”; “Little Paul,” by Rosa Vertner Jeffrey), and even the addiction of women’s whist clubs (“in whist she lives, and moves, and has her being, and counts all things lost for its sweet sake”; “Women’s Clubs,” by Anna O. Goepp, Household News, October 1895).

  To-day, to-morrow: The word “today” was originally two words that over time was melded into one. People speaking Old English, an early form of the English language from roughly 650 to 1150, would say “to daege” to mean “on (the) day.” Sometime during the 16th century, the word came to be written with the hyphen and would stay that way until the early 20th century. The same process happened with “tomorrow,” which you will see written as “to-morrow” (in Old English they’d say “to morgenne” for “on (the) morrow”).

  Zola’s novels: Emile Zola (1840-1902) was a popular French novelist and political activist. He was one of the first great naturalist writers, insisting on depicting all aspects of the lives of his characters no matter how unsavory. This included writing about a streetwalker’s rise to high-class prostitute (Nana, 1880), and using graphically violent and sexually explicit scenes in La Terre (1887). As a result, most of his translated novels were banned in Great Britain, although his untranslated novels were allowed; being bilingual was presumably a defense against corruption.

  La Debacle: A novel published in 1892 by Emile Zola about the defeat of France in the Franco-Prussian War of 1870. It is part of the Les Rougon-Macquart cycle of 20 novels about the lives of a fictional family during the Second French Empire (1852-1870). La Terre, mentioned in a previous footnote, is part of this cycle, although La Debacle is not as explicit in its content.

  Strand Magazine: The monthly magazine (1891-1950) that published Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes short stories. Named for the street where it was published, the magazine showcased work from many of Britain’s great writers, including H.G. Welles, Agatha Christie, Dorothy L. Sayers, P.G. Wodehouse, and Edgar Wallace, as well as the “gentleman thief” Raffles stories by Doyle’s relative Ernest William Hornung.

  Her raven tresses: These are items used in hairdressing: switches are hair extensions that were sold in straight or wavy shapes; May Irwin puffs were named for the Canadian actress and vaudeville star (1862-1938). She is best known for participating (with John C. Rice) in the first screen kiss in cinema history, re-enacting a scene for Thomas Edison from The Widow Jones, a Broadway show. Marcel waves are made by applying hot curling tongs to hair to make them curl; Psyche knots are made by brushing back the hair, twisting into a coil and pinning with a hair comb (in other words, a bun style); and rats are made by saving hair—preferably your own—shaping it, and inserting it into a braid to poof it up.

  Counter-jumper: A derogatory term for a shop assistant or store clerk. Named for their ability to leap the counter while moving from one department to another or to serve a customer.

  William Jennings Bryan: William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a popular speaker and politician who served in the U.S. House from Nebraska (1891-1895, 1913-1915) and twice ran unsuccessfully for president. His pacifist beliefs led him to resign in the middle of his second term over the U.S. entry into World War I. He rose to fame upon his “Cross of Gold” speech in 1896, in which he attacked the use of the gold standard, causing deflation at the time, in favor of “free silver” which would cause inflation. He concluded his speech with “you shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gold.” The speech drew nationwide attention and led to his nomination for president.

  The “mysteries of life” quote might refer to “The Prince of Peace” speech, which he frequently gave beginning in 1904. It contains frequent references to the mystery of life’s existence: “Science has disclosed some of the machinery of the universe, but science has not yet revealed to us the great secret—the secret of life. … No, living a life that is a mystery, and living in the midst of mystery and miracles, I shall not allow either to deprive me of the benefits of the Christian religion. If you ask me if I understand everything in the Bible, I answer, no, but if we will try to live up to what we do understand, we will be kept so busy doing good that we will not have time to worry about the pa
ssages which we do not understand.”

  Dark linen: A fine textile made from the fibers of the flax plant. Linen is particularly valued in hot weather for its coolness.

  Bowie knife: A long knife with a crossguard at the handle, and wide blade that narrowed to a swooping “clip” point. Made for Jim Bowie (c. 1796-1836), a Texas revolutionary figure who died at the battle of the Alamo. Bowie and the knife came to national attention as a result of the Vidalia Sandbar Fight in 1827 that took place on an island in the middle of the Mississippi. What started as a duel between two men (which was quickly resolved after a couple of shots were fired) ended in a violent 90-second melee among the six supporters that resulted in two killed and two injured. Bowie was seriously wounded but news of his role in the fighting appeared in newspapers nationwide, and by 1835, “Bowie knives” were advertised.

  Bell Telephone collector: A man who collects coins from pay phones and due bills from home customers. This method of handling money made it ripe for scammers. A fake collector would call at the house during the day, say the phone company discovered a small outstanding charge from several years ago, and offer to settle it then and there. Phone companies would also warn stores that rented pay phones not to open the box for anyone without official ID.

  Puffs and rats: An early form of hair extensions. Puffs are artificial hair consisting of small coils of hair that are placed in a row along the back of the neck from ear to ear. Rats are made by saving hair—preferably your own—shaping it, and rolling real hair around it to poof it up to create a sausage-like bun.