Sherlock Holmes Great War Parodies and Pastiches I

by Bill Peschel

  Avoirdupois: Its primary definition is the system of weights based on ounces, based on the Old French aveir de peis or “goods of weight.” The word can also be used in a humorous fashion to mean heaviness, as in this sentence from The Bancroft Strategy (2010) by Robert Ludlum: “The Yemeni eased his avoirdupois upon the leather chair at his desk.”

  Eternal feminine: The idea that women are defined by an essence that is uniquely theirs, usually tied into ideas of feminine values vs. masculine values, fertility, the purity of the virgin and sanctity of the mother. Feminists such as Simone De Beauvoir (1908-1986) would argue that these values are creations of a male-dominated society and that everyone has the right to define their own existence.

  Village Improvement Society: A group dedicated to improving a village’s infrastructure, such as promoting the use of sidewalks, shade trees, parks, and the elimination of roadside dumps and other unsightliness. Well-run groups can make substantial changes to the look of an area, at the risk of turning into power-mad martinets who will fine a homeowner for flying a flag or planting a vegetable garden.

  Browning: Robert Browning (1812-1889) was one of the great poets of the Victorian age, so popular that Browning Societies were formed in Britain and the U.S. to study his work. He is best known today for “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came” (an inspiration for Stephen King’s Dark Tower cycle), “How They Brought the Good News from Ghent to Aix,” and “The Pied Piper of Hamelin.”

  Cold precise nature: While we’re told that his knowledge of literature and philosophy were “nil” in A Study in Scarlet, Holmes demonstrated an extensive knowledge of classical and contemporary music. When he and Watson attended a concert by Sarasate (1844-1908) in “The Red-Headed League” (1891), he sat in the hall, “wrapped in the most perfect happiness, gently waving his long, thin fingers in time to the music.”

  His remarkable mind: According to St. Theresa of Avila (1515-1582), intellect, memory, and volition—the latter defined as exercising one’s will—define the soul. When she prayed, she wrote, they would slumber while she achieved a sort of “celestial quietude—a state of union, rapture, and ecstasy … a voluptuous sensation, such as one might experience when expiring in the raptures in the bosom of our God.”

  Sordello: A narrative poem by Robert Browning, published in 1840. Set in the 1220s in northern Italy, the poet Sordello, who rises in popularity and authority, has to decide which of the warring families he should support. It is considered one of the most difficult poems in the English language to comprehend, at turns convoluted and obscure, and it set Browning’s reputation back for a decade. Lord Tennyson commented, “There were only two lines in it that I understood, and they were both lies; they were the opening and closing lines, ‘Who will may hear Sordello’s story told,’ and ‘Who would has heard Sordello’s story told!’”

  Billiard Marker: The manager in charge of the billiard room. His job was to keep score, serve drinks, keep the tables organized, collect fees, coach players, and solve any problems that arise. Although men of all ages could perform this job, it was primarily performed by young men, some as young as 12.

  Mannock: John P. Mannock (1859-1932) was an expert pool player who worked hard to promote the sport, including designing a special pool cue, writing articles, and giving exhibitions and lessons.

  Talking through my hat: To talk nonsense. Its earliest use has been traced to an 1888 interview in the New York World with a streetcar driver dismissing management’s efforts to make them wear white shirts: “Dis is only a bluff dey’re makin’—see! Dey’re talkin’ tru deir hats.”

  Play his tie: A tie is a tournament involving multiple matches (or rubbers or legs) between the competitors. The person who wins the most matches wins the round.

  The worst quarter: Soho is an area in the City of Westminster section of London. Although built in the late 17th century for the wealthy and fashionable, the arrival of French Huguenots after 1688 drove out the aristocrats, and the district turned into a nighttime entertainment district, with bars, music halls, prostitutes and gamblers.

  Suppression of Side: Applying a side spin on the cue ball by hitting it off-center. English players pioneered this technique, so when American players picked up on it, they called it applying “English” to the ball.

  Other fancy strokes: Screwing: Applying a back spin to the cue ball by hitting it below the center point. Also called bottom spin or draw. This kind of shooting applied more weight on one side of the tip, causing it to weaken and eventually fall off.

  Think of Hove: A notorious poisoning case from the previous September. Hugh Trevanion, a wealthy young bachelor living in the seaside town of Hove, died from veronal poisoning. At the time this ad appeared, a second inquest was under way to determine if he had committed suicide, had taken an unintentional overdose, or if he had been poisoned by his “companion,” Albert Roe, to whom Trevanion had left his fortune of £50,000. The second inquest failed to answer that question, but it left Roe free to inherit the money and marry.

  Piquet: A card game in which two players, using a special 32-card deck, attempt to take the most tricks in a deal.

  Salaam: The Arabic word means “peace” and is used as a greeting. Ryerson was making a gesture such as placing his hand over his heart and bowing, or bringing his hand to his forehead in a kind of salute.

  Get gay: A common phrase meaning to joke boisterously or to show off. Basically, to act the fool or to be flippant. In a 1908 article in a magazine for druggists, the writer advised avoiding humor in ad copy: “Slang phrases and careless expressions detract from the value of an ad. There is much sense in the advice to advertisers, ‘Don’t get gay.’”

  Very fine gargoyles: Drood is set in Cloisterham, Dickens’ name for the historic city of Rochester, in County Kent, about 30 miles east of London. One of the novel’s major characters, John Jasper, is choirmaster at Cloisterham Cathedral. Rochester Cathedral does have gargoyles, including one discovered in 2015 during excavations at a crypt.

  Saturday Review: The weekly review (1855-1938) was a pro-Conservative publication notorious for its anti-German sentiment, expressed as early as the 1890s with “Germania est delenda” (Latin for “Germany must be destroyed”), a variation of the Roman politician Cato’s cry about Carthage.

  Staple Inn: One of the few buildings from the Tudor era, dated from 1585, that still survives in London. The building began as a government-mandated place where wool was weighed and taxed. These exchanges in medieval times were called “staples,” derived from the Middle Dutch stapel for market.

  Something else for you: In Drood, the child, named Deputy, habitually throws stones at everything. Durdles finds his obsession useful, and hires Deputy to pitch at him if he falls asleep in the graveyard so he’ll go home.

  Think it over: Dick Datchery appears in Drood as a stranger who rents a room near Mr. Jasper and investigates Drood’s disappearance. Many Drood readers believe Datchery is one of the other characters in disguise, but who?

  Quicklime: A chemical compound called calcium oxide that, as it cools, will spontaneously react until it is converted into calcium carbonate. It also reacts with water to create heat severe enough to cause burns. Inhaling the dust can cause pain, coughing, sneezing, labored breathing and vomiting. Some mystery writers and murderers have used quicklime in the belief that it would destroy a body. It does not. In fact, it will preserve the body against decomposition.

  One other little problem: This would be “The Man With the Twisted Lip” (1891), which coincidentally was mentioned in “The Man Who Was Wanted” (1911) in this book.

  About the ring: The ring was designed to be a key element in the novel’s climax. Before Dickens’ death, he described the rest of Drood to his friend and biographer John Forster. When Drood is murdered (if it was Drood), his body is dumped into the church’s crypt and quicklime spread over it. Jasper (if he was the killer) takes Drood’s watch and chain and a shirt pin, the only jewelry Drood is known to wear. Unbeknownst
to Jasper, Drood was also carrying an engagement ring for Rosa if they had decided to get married. If it is found on the body, it would confirm Drood’s identity. So by telling Jasper, Holmes was setting a trap, in which Jasper would return to the crypt and be discovered. While evading capture, Jasper would encounter Neville Landless in the tower and throw him to his death.

  Richard A. Proctor: Proctor (1837-1888) was a wealthy astronomer who was one of the first to produce maps of Mars. When the failure of his bank meant he could no longer devote time to research, he wrote books and articles that popularized science. His solution to the Drood case was published as Watched by the Dead: A Loving Study of Dickens’s Half-told Tale (1887).

  Sir Robertson Nicoll: Andrew Lang (1844-1912) is more popularly known as a collector of fairy tales, publishing 25 titles including 12 that have colors in their titles (e.g., The Blue Fairy Book). John Cuming Walters was a newspaper editor, journalist, and ardent admirer of Dickens. He was president of the Dickens Fellowship and among his publications were Clues to Dickens’s Mystery of Edwin Drood (1905) and The Complete Mystery of Edwin Drood: History, Continuations, and Solutions (1913). Sir Robertson Nicoll (1851-1923) was a minister, journalist, editor, and author. His solution appeared in The Problem of Edwin Drood (1912).

  Mock trial: In 1914, the Dickens Fellowship put Edwin Drood’s uncle and guardian, John Jasper, on trial for murder. G.K. Chesterton presided and George Bernard Shaw served as foreman. J. Cuming Walters prosecuted the case, while G.K.’s brother, Cecil Chesterton, acted for the defense. Conan Doyle was invited to join in the fun but declined. The jury convicted Jasper of manslaughter, and Chesterton declared everyone but himself in contempt of court.

  Longman’s I think: Lang, who we met earlier, was literary editor at Longman’s. He wrote a piece on Drood for the September 1905 issue that had Holmes and Watson debate whether Drood was still alive and who Datchery was (Drood). Although Lang’s pastiche is well-written, it required too much knowledge of Drood and the critics’ theories to be worth republishing in the 223B series. Lang also played a major role in Conan Doyle’s life. He recommended publication of Conan Doyle’s Micah Clark (1889) for serialization in Longman’s after it had been rejected by every other publisher. Conan Doyle was grateful: “A door has opened for me into the temple of the Muses.”

  Deutsche Rundschau: The “German Roundtable” was an influential literary and political publication founded in 1874. It is still published today in a multi-lingual online format at www.german.pages.de.

  Welsh Rabbit: Welsh rabbit (also spelled “rarebit”) is a simple dish consisting of melted cheese mixed with stout or milk, mustard, egg yolks, and Worcestershire sauce, and poured over fried or toasted bread. It was originally called Welsh rabbit, possibly because the people were believed so poor they couldn’t afford meat.

  Pierce even this: Where did Holmes go to college? That is a question that has puzzled Sherlockians ever since the question arose in “The Gloria Scott,” “The Musgrave Ritual,” and “The Adventure of the Three Students.” Annotator and biographer W.S. Baring-Gould claimed he went to both schools, but Dorothy L. Sayers argued he read chemistry at Cambridge’s Sidney Sussex College. Also, it may be a coincidence, but in “The Creeping Man,” Watson disguises its university setting by calling it “Camford,” as in this story.

  One and elevenpence halfpenny: One pound and 11.5 pence, which would be worth about £109 today. How much you think the reward was worth depended on your income. This was about what a craftsman or building laborer would make in a week.

  Wait for your car: A reference to Los Angeles’ streetcar system, which was launched in 1901. It might be best known from the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988), which erroneously implied that General Motors bought up the system to dismantle it in favor of buses.

  Night key: For added security, an outside door would have a bolt installed that would be thrown at night and require a separate key to open. This system was a convenience for those who don’t want to stay up past their bedtime to let someone in. It also provided temptation for young people to stay out late and tread the path of temptation. An article in The Christian Witness and Church Members’ Magazine in 1864 warned mothers to never give their sons a night-key: “The union of the cheerful hearts of a household around the blazing hearth and central light of home to part at bed-time with affectionate greetings, is one of the greatest pleasures of the day. … In most cases the night-key is the key that opens the door of the way going down to the gates of death.” It is suggestive that a Puck piece in 1884 begins with the assumption that “almost every married man has a lodge-night, and every man, be he married or single, has a night-key. The troubles of the night-key are so well known that they occupy no mean link in the chain of jokes that constitute American Stock Humor. If a man has left his night-key in his other trousers, he can not remain out late; for if he does, he will be obliged to ring the bell, and then his wife will know the exact time of his arrival.”

  Demijohn and a siphon: A demijohn is a large container with a small neck. It is usually wrapped in wicker and can hold between 5 to 16 gallons of any kind of liquid, including water, chemicals, or spirits. A siphon is a pressurized bottle that mixes tartaric acid and sodium bicarbonate with water to produce carbonated water for mixed drinks. Sherlock and Watson favored a gasogene model, which looked like two stacked glass balls with a nozzle on top.

  American store: The nickname in the popular press for Selfridges, an department store that opened in 1909 on the west end of Oxford Street. Wisconsin-born Harry Gordon Selfridge (1858-1947) modeled his store on Chicago’s Marshall Field’s, where he worked for 25 years before retiring as a wealthy partner. Bored with retirement, he visited London and saw an opening there for an American-style store. Unlike his British rivals, Selfridge advertised heavily and designed his stores to entertain customers. He moved goods from behind the counter and onto the floor, provided restaurants, a library, and reception rooms, and even offered a Silence Room where husbands could wait peacefully for their wives.

  English critics carped that Selfridge’s made its goods so attractive that it stimulated buying. “The English method,” one article writer noted, “is for the merchant to wait until his prospective customer must have an article, and then force him to take whatever may be in the store.” Selfridge’s was successful and its owner became known as the “Earl of Oxford Street.” But he ran through his fortune and was forced out of the store bearing his name in 1941. He died six years later, broke and living on a pension with his eldest surviving child.

  Porterville Herald: The Herald doesn’t exist, but the Porterville Recorder has been the city’s dominant newspaper since 1908. Porterville is a city in the San Joaquin Valley, in the center of the state, about 160 miles north of Los Angeles.

  Huge pennant: Cigarette companies used giveaways to entice smokers to their brands, such as cards featuring baseball players, famous authors (Conan Doyle included), national flags, and actors and actresses. They also gave away small college pennants made from leather or silk. The small varieties were attached to the outside of the packet—after some states passed laws banning inserting them into the packet—but varieties as large as 6 by 9 inches were given away if the smoker sent in enough coupons.

  Scarnum and Scaley’s circus: A reference to the circus founded by P.T. Barnum (1810-1891) and James Anthony Bailey (1847-1906), which in 1919 was merged with the Ringling Bros. Worlds’ Greatest Shows. Changing entertainment tastes and high operating costs forced the circus to close in 2017, after 146 years.

  Bertillon system: Alphonse Bertillon (1853-1914) introduced in 1883 a system to help police identify repeat offenders by recording 10 measurements including height, bust or chest, head width, and length of the right ear. His system was abandoned once fingerprinting came into use around 1900.

  Hard winter wheat: Her outfit deserves some commentary: Turkish trousers, also called harem pants, are baggy and gathered tightly at the ankle. M.C. Hammer (b. 1962) wore mod
ified Turkish trousers in his “Can’t Touch This” music video. Ecru éponge is a twill fabric the color of light beige or unbleached linen. Mackerel-blue is a mix of blue and silver, named for the fish’s natural color. Nell rose guimpe is a high-necked blouse worn under a low-necked dress that originated in medieval Europe. The color, described as a rich rose shade, was named for Eleanor Randolph Wilson, President Woodrow Wilson’s daughter, as part of a trend of naming a fashionable color for the president’s daughter. It started with Theodore Roosevelt (Alice Blue), and continued under William Howard Taft (Helen Pink). The tradition presumably died as the next president, Warren G. Harding, had no children except a daughter with one of his mistresses. A Poiret hat is a draped turban named for the notable French fashion designer Paul Poiret (1879-1944), who introduced the Oriental-inspired style in 1910. Marabout (spelled marabou today) is a trimming of down feathers.

  Cubist exhibit: Cubism was an artistic movement pioneered by Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) and others that broke down the painting’s subject and reassembled it in abstracted and angular forms. Clearly, Shirley’s taste in fashion and art would have given Sherlock and Watson the collective vapors!

  Cracking cribs: Criminal slang for breaking into houses. The meaning has varied over the years. Shakespeare originated it in Henry VI, when the king wondered in puzzlement that his subjects would