Zombie Lover

by Anthony, Piers

  Justin cut in. “Don’t aggravate him needlessly. He might renege on his commitment to get you to the isle.”

  Probably good advice. So she stifled her natural retort again, and tried to be polite. “I don’t want to kiss you. I don’t want to do anything with you except get where I’m going. So you can tell me what you want to, or let it be, as you prefer.”

  “There is something about that isle you really should know. But you ought to be a bit more friendly.”

  “Sorry. No touching.”

  “As you wish.” His tone suggested that she was making a mistake, but she didn’t trust his motive.

  They continued moving. Breanna refused to let him know how he had piqued her curiosity. Was he faking it, or was there really something at the Isle of Women that would make her regret going there? She was annoyed that he was still trying to pressure her for something he knew wasn’t allowed. At least he wasn’t still trying to grab her.

  They passed a hat rack with several nice hats just ripening. Intrigued, Breanna picked a nice black one with a white frill on the top resembling a cresting wave. “A black wave hat,” she said, putting it on. It fit perfectly.

  Ralph didn’t comment, but Justin did. “That does seem to match your nature. It is becoming.”

  “Becoming what?” she asked, alarmed.

  He laughed. “Attractive. It makes you look cute.”

  “Cute I can live with.”

  Then Mare Imbri appeared. “I learned about Lija,” she said.

  “Who?”

  “Elijah. The boy who got Ralph’s talent. I can give you the whole story in a daydream.”

  “Great! Let’s have it.”

  The surroundings mostly disappeared, though she continued walking on automatic pilot, and Breanna’s awareness devolved on drear Mundania. There was a region shaped like a new jersey, and a town, and a house. Inside the house was a family with a daddy, a mommy, an eight-year-old boy named Lija, and his sister Rachel, who was there for him to quarrel with. By day he had a smile nearly as bright as the sun, and things were great. But everything changed at night.

  The moment bedtime arrived, Lija’s smile vanished. His head hurt. His neck, shoulders, back, or knees ached. His belly cramped, his chest felt heavy, and his breathing got wheezy. All the misery he had avoided during the day closed in victoriously at night. So of course he was unable to fall asleep without a heroic struggle by his parents.

  When morning came, Lija would be perfectly fine and ready for a full and active day. But when bedtime returned, so did his problems. Lija called his condition the Bedtime Booboos. His parents had their own name for his condition, but they were very careful never to use it in Lija’s presence.

  Daddy and Mommy tried to be supportive and understanding, but they soon reached the limits of their patience. Sometimes they would not smile reassuringly when they placed a cool wet cloth on his head. Sometimes they muttered under their breaths when they massaged his sore limbs and back. Once they even grumpily ordered him back upstairs to get his own cool cloth and then put himself back to bed and go to sleep.

  Poor Lija! Not only was he feeling terrible every night, he was also in trouble with his folks. But there seemed to be nothing he could do about it. The Booboos never let him go.

  One summer evening as Lija made his nightly announcement that he was once again suffering from Bedtime Booboos, Mommy, for no reason at all, got angry. “I’m really tired of these Booboos!” she yelled. “Every night, the same thing over and over again! Your head aches or your throat is sore or your stomach hurts or whatever you can think of to avoid going to sleep.”

  Now that was an unkind accusation. “I don’t do it on purpose,” Lija protested in a sad, small voice. “I really don’t feel well. I can’t help it if I can’t go to sleep.”

  “I don’t understand your condition, Lija!” Mommy continued. “It seems so convenient that the only thing it interferes with is bedtime. You are fine all day long, and then at bedtime you are suddenly sick.” It was almost as if she were suspicious of something. “It’s like a magic transformation, one minute well and the next minute sick, and I think you—”

  Mommy paused abruptly in the middle of her tantrum. She sat down quietly on the bed next to him, looking very thoughtful. They sat in silence while they pondered the situation.

  “Lija,” Mommy whispered slowly. “I think you have a magic talent.”

  “I do?” he asked in wonder.

  “Unfortunately, I think your magic talent is the Bedtime Booboos.”

  “But this is Mundania!” he reminded her, as if anyone could ever forget the dreary reality even for an instant. “There’s no magic here.” Which was of course the problem.

  “There’s a little bit of magic,” she reminded him back. “Remember the beautiful rainbow, that stops you from ever catching up to it. So you must have gotten some of the ugly magic.”

  It did make sense, but Lija was definitely not pleased. “It’s not fair!” he grumbled. “I’m the only kid outside of Xanth with a magic talent, and I get a stupid one! Now I’m stuck with Bedtime Booboos forever unless I can get rid of this talent.”

  “I’m afraid so,” Mommy agreed. “Believe me, I am as annoyed as you are.” She seemed really sincere.

  “What do people in Xanth do to free themselves of stupid talents?”

  “They move to Mundania, and their magic disappears.”

  “Oh, great! I already live in New Jersey! There is no place more mundane than here. So what do I do—move to Xanth?”

  “No!” Mommy cried in alarm. “If your talent is this much trouble in mundane New Jersey, imagine how much stronger it would be in magical Xanth!”

  The family tried to figure out how Lija had acquired his unwanted talent. Lija supposed that it was the result of a mixed-up delivery by a really confused, overworked, and directionally impaired talent-distributing stork. His sister Rachel defended the stork by claiming that the talent was correctly delivered; it was just that Lija was actually in the wrong place. Daddy proposed that when the demons were disposing of unwanted talents, one of them escaped to Mundania where it hid in Lija. Mommy suggested that perhaps a large giant walking close to the Xanth/Mundania border was struck by a sudden sneezing fit. The poor man sneezed so hard that his talent flew out and went flying into Mundania, where it finally landed on Lija.

  Unfortunately, not one of them thought of toxic waste disposal. Since no one could determine either how the talent had come, or how to make it go away, they resigned themselves to living with it as best they could. This was, after all, drear Mundania, where such things were commonplace.

  The daydream ended. “But why is Ralph determined to get his talent back?” Breanna asked Imbri.

  “He doesn’t know its nature. He thinks any talent is better than none. The Good Magician tried to warn him, but he wouldn’t listen.”

  “I know.” Breanna smiled privately. “I think I won’t tell him. I’ll bet it’s ten times as bad in Xanth, because the magic is so much stronger.”

  “Yes. He will have to sleep in daytime, as you do, because he will not be able to settle down at all at night.”

  “It couldn’t happen to a more deserving lout.”

  “The Good Magician has sent the Demoness Metria to see the Demon E(A/R)™. Humfrey knows the Demon will give any help needed to get rid of any stray magic, because he hates having his realm polluted by fantasy. He will arrange for the family to win flying tickets to Florida, so Lija can go to the very spot that corresponds with Ralph’s house in the North Village. Then the Demon E(A/R)TH will exorcise the talent, and it will be driven back to its natural home in Xanth. In Ralph. He will have his wish.”

  “Will he ever!” Breanna said zestfully.

  “And Lija will at last have peace.”

  “Yeah. And Ralph will be really proud and happy. Right up until bedtime.”

  “What’s that?” Ralph asked.

  She must have forgotten herself, and spoken aloud. “Dre
am Mare Imbri just visited me. She says the Good Magician is even now arranging for your talent to be returned to you, in all its awesome power.”

  “It’s about time,” he said smugly. “I thought that old fraud could come through if given sufficient motive.” He glanced at her. “Are you sufficiently bored yet? Are you getting motivated for something interesting?”

  The jerk never gave up. “I like being bored.” She was speaking figuratively, of course.

  They kept walking, following the enchanted path, making good time. Ralph did not try to grab her again, and she began to regret the way she had banged him. Maybe she could have just told him NO clearly, and it would have been all right.

  “I don’t think so,” Justin said. “He does not deserve the benefit of the doubt.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “I don’t wish to appear condescending, but I am a male, and have had time to think. I can appreciate your desirability as a woman, and the ruthless nature of some men. You are young, and have a certain naiveté about adult relations.”

  “I do not!”

  “Please, I am trying to protect you from exploitation.”

  “You’re trying to invoke the Adult Conspiracy!”

  “Perhaps it will be possible to make a demonstration. You allowed me to be present when you performed certain natural functions. Would you wish to have him watch similarly?”

  “No! What has that to do with the price of beans in Mundania?”

  “Beans?”

  “Just an expression. Ralph isn’t going to watch me pee, okay? He’s not a tree.”

  He nodded, mentally. “Trees do collect urine. Here is what I propose: tell Ralph you need to take a comfort break, so need privacy for a time. Then spy on him. I think he does not appreciate the extent of your ability to see in the dark, so you will be able to hide from him.”

  “This is pointless!”

  “If I am correct, he will try to sneak a peek at you. Then you will know that you were not at fault when you struck him.”

  She considered. “Okay, I’ll give it a try.” Then she spoke aloud: “Ralph, I need a bit of privacy. Suppose I head off to behind that bush, and you wait here, okay?”

  “Very well,” he agreed, and found a rock to sit down on. He set his lantern on the ground beside it.

  “See?” she said silently. “He’s not going anywhere.”

  “Yet.”

  How could he be so sure? She walked to the bush, and around it. She set her black wave hat on the bush, marking her presence. She ducked down as if squatting, then ran quickly and silently behind the nearest tree. She peered past its trunk.

  The first thing she saw was that Ralph was no longer sitting on the stone. He had left the light there as a seeming indication of his presence, but he was already circling around behind trees and bushes, hiding while closing in on her bush. As Justin had surmised, Ralph thought that the darkness covered him, not realizing that she could see as clearly as if it were daylight.

  “He is finding a vantage where he can look behind your bush,” Justin said. “So he can see you with your dress up.”

  “Sheesh, Justin, you were right! He’s trying to sneak a peek at panties, and worse.”

  “Yes. Such sights fascinate men.”

  “Even you, Justin?”

  “Even I, despite my age and loss of manform.”

  “Except that you didn’t try to sneak. You offered to return to your tree.”

  “Yes. But I did not insist on departing, when you generously let me stay for the occasion.”

  “Well, I thought of you as a tree.”

  “I am a tree with the spirit of a man.”

  Ralph, discovering that the spot he spied on was empty, and that he had been had, quickly returned to his stone.

  “Actually, I do need to do it,” she said.

  “I will depart to—”

  “No, we’ve already been through that. Just don’t comment. I’ll pretend I’m alone.” She found a place and squatted. “Anyway, you see through my eyes. If I don’t look, you don’t see, right?”

  “That is correct. However, you did stand before the mirror, when—”

  “I was showing off. That’s different.”

  He was silent. She quickly did her business, then returned to recover the hat, and walked back to the stone where Ralph sat as if he had never moved.

  She decided not to make an issue. “Thanks,” she said dryly as they resumed walking. And to Justin: “You proved your point. I was naïve. This guy’s a turd.”

  “So he is. Fortunately your racket and some common sense precautions will protect you.”

  “I must admit, I am coming to see some use in the Adult Conspiracy. It protects innocents like me from characters like him. At least it’s supposed to.”

  “Few things are entirely good or entirely evil,” he agreed diplomatically.

  “Maybe it didn’t protect me because I renounced it. I guess I couldn’t blame it for that.”

  “You must do what you deem proper. Sometimes that incurs a penalty, but it remains your proper course.”

  “So maybe I’ll go easy on abolishing it entirely, until I know what parts of it ought to be saved. Reform rather than abolition.”

  “That seems sensible.”

  “You’re awful agreeable. How come you never tell me I’m being a foolish child?”

  “I wouldn’t think of saying that!”

  “Come on, Justin. You have to have been tempted. What holds you back?”

  “All my life, as a man and as a tree, I have been a sensible, principled individual. That has turned out to be supremely dull. You, in contrast, proceed from one fascinating dilemma to another. As an adventure, it is marvelous.”

  “And you wanted adventure,” she concluded, seeing it. “My crazy ideas and mistakes make my life interesting. Got it.”

  “Integrity requires me to make one additional confession.”

  “Why Justin, you must be blushing, because I feel the heat on my face. What are you talking about?”

  “I am discovering that despite the extreme difference in our situations, and the likelihood that in due course we will separate and never again associate, I feel a certain appealing pleasure in that association, and I prefer not to jeopardize it.”

  “Why Justin—are you saying you like me?”

  “I was trying to avoid saying that.”

  “And your tree bark was getting shrunk into knots,” she said, remembering her session with the embarrassing challenge questions.

  “Yes.”

  She laughed aloud, causing Ralph to glance warily at her. So she made sure her next statement was silent. “And I like you too, Justin. Even though you’re nothing like any companion I would have chosen for myself.”

  “Sometimes odd associations occur.”

  “For sure.” Pleased, she let it be.

  By morning they were near the west coast of Xanth, because the enchanted path facilitated travel. Breanna had never seen the sea before, and was amazed. “So much water!”

  “This is as far as I need to take you,” Ralph said. “The Isle of Women is one of the occasional islands off the coast. It interfaces with Xanth one hour a day, so you must watch for it and cross over to it then.”

  “How do I get to it? I wouldn’t care to try to swim out there.”

  He sneered. “True. The sea monsters would gobble your delicate dark flesh in a moment. You have to take the boat. It is there by the paradox.”

  “The what?”

  “The paradox. I don’t know why it’s called that. When you see the isle, go down to that dock you see there and get in the boat. It will take you across.”

  “That’s all there is to it?”

  “That’s all there is to getting there. That’s not why it won’t help you escape the zombie prince.”

  “And you’re not going to tell me why.”

  “Not unless you care to purchase my favor with a little favor of your own.”

 
; “Meaning you want to get your hands on my black panties, and have me not fight.”

  “Precisely. Are you interested?”

  “No.”

  “Then I am through with you.” He turned and walked away.

  “I’m glad to be rid of him,” she confided to Justin. “But he did get to me on that business about why the isle won’t help me. I was almost tempted to let him touch me, and hope that the protection racket stopped him from going too far. But I wasn’t sure it would protect me, if I wasn’t fighting—you know.”

  “I admit there could be doubt, if you were indicating that you liked his attention. I believe that was the warning the Gorgon was obliquely rendering. I think it was best not to risk it, because if the racket did prevent him from completing his vile design, he probably would renege on giving you the information.”

  “Yeah, you’re right for sure. But it still bugs me.”

  “It bothers me also. But perhaps we shall ascertain the information via some other source.”

  “Well, let’s go down and look at that dock. I want to know what’s what before I do anything else foolish.”

  They walked to the dock. It seemed to be an ordinary wooden pier, with a small boat at its end. A pie tree grew beside it.

  “There is something missing,” Justin said. “There is no paddle.”

  “Say, that’s right! How am I going to paddle it to the island?”

  “Could that be what Ralph wasn’t telling? The location of the paddle?”

  “Dunno. He acted as if I would have no trouble making it to the island, but then wouldn’t find it helped.”

  “True. Perhaps there is a paddle hidden under the dock.”

  She bent to peer under it, and saw a sheltered spot with several pillows. “Say! Someone slept here.”

  “It does look like a comfortable spot to take shelter from wet weather,” Justin agreed.

  “And it’s dawn, and I’m tired. So why don’t I eat one of those pies and turn in until the island shows? I’ll paddle the boat with my hands if I have to, if it’s not too far.” Then she reconsidered. “Only I might sleep through, if it’s only here for an hour.”

  “I can wake you each hour, so you can look to see if it is here.”