Zombie Lover

by Anthony, Piers

  “You mean we can wear blue jeans, like Electra?” Jenny asked.

  Chameleon smiled, in a way that made her show her age briefly. “Yes.”

  They went to the rehearsal. It was in the ballroom, which seemed far too large. The three kings were there, with their queens. And Jeremy Werewolf. Jenny ran to hug him, while the others took seats.

  “Now the Groom will enter from the side,” Princes Ida said, gesturing. Jeremy and Jenny separated, and he stepped to the side entrance. “While the Bride will be escorted down the aisle by the Father. Go to your places now.”

  King Dor got up and walked to the back. Jenny joined him. A puff of smoke appeared up front, and formed into a horrendous demon. “That’s Demon Grossclout,” Justin said. “He officiates at only the most prominent occasions.”

  “There will be music,” Ida said. “But not at the rehearsal. Pretend you hear it.”

  But then Jenny bent over and ran out the back.

  “What happened?” Dor asked, dismayed.

  Breanna rushed out to find Jenny. She found her in the lady’s room, looking ill. “Do you need healing elixir?” she asked, concerned.

  “It’s nerves,” Jenny confessed, abashed. “I never expected to be married like this, and suddenly it seems overwhelming. I can’t do it.”

  “Of course you can do it,” Breanna said. “If I can kiss a zombie, you can marry a werewolf.”

  Jenny looked at her, and suddenly it was Breanna who was abashed. “I didn’t mean it the way that sounded.”

  “I understand, I guess. But I just can’t go out there. I was never important enough to rate all this attention. When I saw that stage up front—”

  “Stage fright,” Justin said. “We’ll have to get that stage removed.”

  “But how do we get Jenny through the rehearsal now?”

  “You do it,” Jenny said. “I think I can handle it if I just watch, this time.”

  “But I can’t—”

  “Do it,” Justin told her sternly. “It is only the rehearsal. We will get rid of the stage before the wedding.”

  “Where do you get off, telling me to do something like that?” Breanna flared.

  “I am just trying to facilitate—”

  “Well, don’t! This business is complicated enough without your interference.”

  He was hurt. “Interference! That’s unfair.”

  “Oh, so now I’m being unfair! Well, if you think so, why don’t you just go back to your tree?”

  “Breanna, I realize that you are under stress. Perhaps I spoke intemperately. But you are being unreasonable.”

  “Well, I haven’t had a century to learn reason! So go, get out, leave me alone.”

  She had never before attacked him like this. His spirit was smarting. “If this is what you wish, I shall of course depart.”

  “Yes. Go.”

  Sick at heart, he gathered himself for the jump back to his tree. He had known it had to end, but hated to have it end this way, on such a sour note. He discovered that he couldn’t just fade from her; his spirit had permeated most of her body, and had to be drawn together into a compact mass before departing. But he accomplished this, and in a moment was ready to go.

  “Fare well, Breanna,” he said, trying to shield her from his grief of the occasion. Probably it was for the best, because his growing feeling for her was not licit, and needed to be abated.

  “Justin—wait.”

  He paused. “Yes?”

  “I—I’m sorry. Don’t go.”

  “But I understood that—”

  “Justin, I’m a child. I threw a tantrum. But when I felt you withdrawing—I realized—please, I didn’t mean it. I apologize. I jumped at nothing. I don’t want you to go. Unless you really can’t stand me anymore. I need you. I’m sorry. I—”

  He felt enormous relief. “Of course I will remain, if that is your wish.”

  “I was bitchy. I—I’ve been tired of my parents always telling me what to do, and I guess you sounded like that. I struck out at you. But you are right, as always.”

  “Not always. I—”

  “Please. Can you forgive me?”

  “Breanna, there is no need!”

  “Yes there is!”

  He was wary of another outburst, so yielded. “I forgive you.”

  “Thanks.” Her face was wet with tears.

  “Are you all right?” Jenny asked. “I didn’t mean to make an impossible demand. I’m sorry.”

  “She thinks you were reacting to her request,” Justin said. “She needs reassurance, if you don’t mind my recommendation.”

  “No, I want it. I always want it. So I won’t be childish.”

  “There is no shame in being your age. Still, I think Jenny does need this support.”

  So Breanna changed her position. “I’ll be glad to. I—I just had to think it through. You come and watch.”

  “Yes,” Jenny said faintly, looking less anemic. They returned to the ballroom, where King Dor waited, perhaps having been advised of the likely nature of the problem.

  “I will sub for Jenny in the rehearsal,” Breanna told the king. “If it’s okay with you.”

  Dor, surprised, glanced at Jenny, who nodded. “That is good,” he agreed.

  “No it isn’t,” the floor said. “She should be in a skirt.”

  “Too bad for you,” Breanna said, stamping hard enough to shut it up. “This is a jeans session.”

  “I wonder why a floor even cares what is under a woman’s skirt,” Justin said.

  “The boards get bored,” she replied. “So they try to stir things up. If women didn’t react, the floor wouldn’t bother.”

  “That is a remarkably mature perspective,” Justin said admiringly.

  “I have learned a lot recently, and I hope matured some,” she said. “Especially in the last few minutes, I hope.”

  Then Princess Ida signaled, and they started the march down the aisle. Dor held out his elbow, and Breanna took it, and they got in step and walked slowly forward.

  “I feel as if I’m getting married myself,” Breanna confided to Justin. “It’s a thrill, even though I know I’m too young and will never have a royal wedding anyway.”

  “Any wedding is a royal occasion,” he assured her. He was so glad to have her back to normal! “When you find your beloved, whoever he may be, you won’t care much about anything except being together.”

  “How do you know? Have you been married?”

  “Never. But I have known many others who married, such as Bink and Chameleon.”

  “Bink!” she said aloud, remembering. “He’s the one to take over Castle Zombie.”

  King Dor shook his head. “Dolph mentioned that possibility to him, but Chameleon absolutely vetoed it.”

  “But isn’t that why they were youthened?”

  “It can’t be, because the position has to be voluntary. Someone who likes zombies, or at least respects them.” He glanced ahead. “Now pay attention to the rehearsal; you don’t want to mess it up for Jenny.”

  “For sure,” she agreed, and oriented on the wedding march.

  Unfortunately that freed Justin for more thought. During his many decades as a tree, he hadn’t thought much about this aspect of life. Now he couldn’t help it. Breanna said that she felt as if she were getting married. Justin picked up that feeling, only for him the feeling was not general or nebulous, it was specific. He wished that he were standing by that stage, watching Breanna approach.

  There was no fool like an old fool, he chided himself. He had allowed his interest in the girl’s activities to shade into interest in her. He had let himself be carried away by the sudden surprise of Jenny Elf’s revelation as Jeremy Werewolf’s perfect love, and now fancied himself in a similar role. His fancy didn’t care that he had nothing in common with Breanna—that he was too old, she too young, he a tree, she a girl with her future awaiting her. His common sense recognized the vision for nonsense, yet his fancy still longed for it. Even if
she had any such interest, which of course she wouldn’t, the dread Adult Conspiracy forbade any such relationship.

  The answer was clear: he should keep silent about this ridiculous image, and return to his tree when the wedding ceremony was done. He would spare her any knowledge of his insanity. That would save both of them considerable embarrassment. And, of course, in time, the notion would fade, with no harm done. It might have been better if he had departed when they had their difference, but he couldn’t make himself go as long as she wished him to remain.

  But he knew that in due course he would have to go, and that he would grieve for that sweet foolishness. He had indeed been too long away from human life and activity. He had not allowed for the resurgent emotions of the human state.

  Breanna reached the front of the hall. Jeremy looked at her, with a vulpine smile of mischief. “Why Jenny, how you have changed.”

  “I got really sick, and degenerated to this blackface,” she agreed.

  “Shall I kiss you and make you well?”

  “Don’t risk it; it might make you ill instead, and someone in the back row would faint.”

  He laughed. “Really?”

  “No. More likely I would just turn into a frog.”

  “I think that if I had not found The One, you would have been a worthy substitute, Breanna.”

  “Not at my age, you handsome wolf.”

  He laughed again. “In three years, when you burst on the adult scene, all eligible men had better take cover. You are one cute creature in nature as well as appearance.”

  Breanna tried to blush, unsuccessfully. He had finally gotten to her. “Then I guess I had better line up a prospect before then, so as not to scare the whole Land of Xanth out of its magic.”

  Justin shook his nonexistent head. What a girl!

  They got through the rehearsal, and Breanna returned to brief Jenny on the details. “Beware of Jeremy’s sense of humor,” she warned. “He threatened to kiss me.”

  “He doesn’t even need lip bomb,” Jenny said dreamily.

  “If you get woozy during the real ceremony, hang on tight to King Dor’s elbow; he’s very steady.”

  “He’s the Father of the Bride,” Jenny agreed. “He’s been through it before.”

  They retired to Jenny’s room. “I’m sorry I got sick and put you on the spot,” Jenny said.

  “Oh, it was fun,” Breanna reassured her. “It made me want to get married myself.”

  “Oh, do you have a man in mind?”

  “There’s one I would like, I think, but I don’t think he’s interested.”

  Justin felt another shock. Breanna had a man in mind? “You didn’t take Jeremy seriously!” he said to her, appalled.

  “No, of course not,” she replied silently. “It’s someone else, who’s not married.”

  Justin was only partly relieved. He had had no idea that Breanna had noticed a man in the course of her travels. Was it someone who might return her interest? If so, she was too young. If not, then she would be disappointed. So either way, the matter was unsettling. “May I inquire who?”

  Breanna hesitated. “If you haven’t picked up on it, then I think you wouldn’t understand.”

  “Of course.” He was gracious, but her implied reproof stung. Always before, she had shared her concerns with him. Now she wasn’t doing so. He remained intensely curious what man she was thinking of, but refused to pry. She was an attractive girl—how well he knew!—and surely could make an impression on the man she chose. It was certainly her right to do so, within limits. So he wished her well, though the thought of her finding love and fulfillment elsewhere gave him an unreasonable pang. He would almost have preferred to return to his tree at the time of their argument, because then at least he might have retained some fond foolish illusions.

  Next day the important guests began arriving, and Breanna was busy showing them to their rooms. Almost everyone else was busy with something, and Justin knew most of the guests, so this made sense. Castle Roogna was big, and seemed to get bigger to fill the need; that was one of the advantages of an enchanted castle.

  The first to come was Clio, the Muse of History. Both Breanna and Justin were amazed when she introduced herself. “Is there something historical going on?” Breanna blurted, as usual before she thought.

  “History is always in the making,” the Muse replied. “Every where, every time. However, some occasions seem more significant than others, and this is indeed one of those occasions.”

  “It’s really great, Jenny getting married to a prince.”

  Clio turned a disconcerting gaze on them. “That too,” she agreed.

  “What does she mean?” Breanna asked Justin internally.

  “I have no idea, unless the convenience of this gathering facilitates another important activity or decisions.”

  “Exactly, Justin,” Clio agreed. Then she closed her door, leaving them both trying to blush.

  Then Good Magician Humfrey arrived, with a woman Breanna didn’t recognize. Before anyone could think of looking askance, she introduced herself: “I am MareAnn, Humfrey’s fifth and a half wife. I was his first true love, but wouldn’t marry him for 142 years because I didn’t want to lose my innocence and with it my ability to summon unicorns. But later, having resided in hell, I concluded that much of my innocence had already been sacrificed, so I married him. Thus he obtained a half-wife of 142 years. I am the Designated Wife for this occasion, as the Gorgon is busy elsewhere.”

  “Oh,” Breanna said, somewhat taken aback. “Well, I hope you enjoy the wedding.”

  “I doubt it,” Humfrey grumped.

  “Oh, come on, you know that deep down under all those layers of grumpiness you do like the chance to get out and meet old friends,” MareAnn said, tweaking his ear. “As for me, I love weddings. I cry buckets.”

  “But aren’t weddings supposed to be fun?”

  “Tearful fun. You’ll see.” They moved on into their chamber.

  The next guests were unfamiliar to Justin, but Breanna almost fainted. “Mom! Dad!” she screamed, charging up to hug her parents. “What are you doing here?”

  “We received an invitation to a wedding,” her mother said. “We hoped it wasn’t yours.”

  “For sure!”

  “And we thought it was about time for the Black Village to start spreading out,” her father said. “We need to interact more positively with the rest of Xanth, especially now that there are a number of black children with magic talents.”

  “You bet!” Justin saw that though Breanna had never mentioned her family, and might even have felt somewhat alienated from them, she did love them and was glad to see them. She was bubbling over with things to tell them. But soon they retired to their room; they had made a long trip here, and were tired, they said. Justin suspected that they did not want to get in Breanna’s way. They were after all Mundanes, perhaps feeling out of place here.

  A decrepit coach drawn by two half-dead horses drew up to the moat. “The Zombie Master and Millie the Ghost!” Breanna cried, dashing out to meet them. Sure enough, the two were just stepping down to the ground. But they weren’t alone: King Xeth and Zyzzyva Zombie were there too, looking quite regal in formal clothing. Breanna greeted them all like the old friends they had become, and showed them to the castle’s special cell in the cellar, where the local zombies congregated. This wasn’t isolation; they had requested it.

  The biggest surprise was a couple Justin didn’t recognize, but Breanna did. “Tristan Troll and Mouse Terian!” she exclaimed joyfully.

  “Yes, we are a couple now,” the lovely woman said, hugging her. “Thanks to you.”

  “But how can you be in human form, away from your mistress?”

  “Com Passion is here with me,” Terian said, touching her pocket. “In remote unit form.” There was a little screen tucked there. As Justin looked, it formed a little female smiley-face.

  “How clever,” Breanna said enthusiastically. “And is Com Pewter here too?
”

  Tristan touched his own pocket, where another little screen peeked out. Words appeared on it: GIRL LOSES INTEREST.

  Breanna lost interest in the computers, but Justin didn’t. As Breanna led the couple to their chamber, he questioned her, and learned that Mouse Terian was a real mouse, rendered, by Com Passion’s power to change local reality, into human form for the occasion, and that Tristan served similarly as Com Pewter’s mouse. It seemed that mice and machines were now dating, thanks to something Breanna had done before she met Justin. The girl just seemed to have effects.

  The chamber for that party was small and plain, but in a moment it changed and became palatial. The computers had the power to change reality in their vicinity, and were using it.

  A big tank was delivered, containing three lovely mermaids: Ash, Cedar, and Mahogany. They were respectively blonde, red-haired, and brunette, and attracted some attention as they diverted themselves in the moat. Certainly Soufflé Serpent enjoyed the company.

  There was a rumble as of thunder, and a shadow passed across the castle. It was a monstrous bird, in fact a roc, coming in for a landing. The mermaids looked up. “Here comes Roxanne!” Ash called, waving. The roc wig-wagged, responding.

  Jenny’s friend Che Centaur arrived, with his friend Cynthia, both being winged centaurs. Che was to be an Usher, a position of honor. With them was Gwendolyn Goblin, queen of Goblin Mountain, another close friend. She would be the Maid of Honor. There had been no trouble from those particular goblins since Gwenny’s ascension. There was one more member of that party: a huge glittering baby bird. “That must be Sim, the Simurgh’s chick!” Justin exclaimed. “Princess Ida said he was another friend of Jenny’s.” Now he realized why Roxanne Roc was here; she was Sim’s nanny and guardian. She took her job most seriously, but knew that there was no threat to the chick in Castle Roogna. So she was visiting with the moat party, being too big to squeeze inside.

  “I am so glad to meet you, Sim,” Breanna said smoothly.

  “Peep,” the chick said, bobbing his head.

  “That means thank you,” Che said. “He could read your mind, and project his response to you, but he feels that would be impolite, so he sticks to bird talk.”