Zombie Lover

by Anthony, Piers

  “Chlorine? Where I come from, we put that in water.”

  “You aren’t where you come from,” she said with half a smile. “You’ll meet Nimby and Chlorine tomorrow. But there’s more: they’re going to visit Mundania, by switching bodies with you. They’ll need Companions too, to show them around, because Mundania can be just as dangerous as Xanth for strangers. So can you dig up a reliable pair of Mundane Companions?”

  “Mundane Companions? I suppose we could ask Dug and Kim—”

  “Great! Bring them here this time tomorrow, and your wife, and I’ll bring Nimby and Chlorine, and Justin, and we can work it all out. This should be a great adventure.”

  Just like that? But of course Dug and Kim had had experience in Xanth, so should have good advice. What Pia would think of this he wasn’t sure. But it was worth a try. “I’ll do that,” he said.

  “Great!” Breanna repeated. “See you tomorrow.” Her picture reverted.

  Bemused, Edsel faced the O-Xone exit and walked. As he came to the marked portal, he saw it was a wall. He did his hum-whistle, and suddenly he was out. He could tell, because he was looking at a monitor screen with a cursor blinking in front of him. The hall with pictures was gone.

  He exited the Mesh, and then the GigaGrid. He had some talking to do, to several people.

  First, Pia. She was every bit as understanding as usual. “Have you been doing drugs?”

  “No,” he said patiently. “This is a Mesh interface. And maybe a chance for us to get into Xanth for a visit. The way Dug and Kim do.”

  “Just because they’re crazy enough to believe in fantasy is no reason we have to,” she retorted. “How could you fall for such a line of crap?”

  “Pia, please. I thought it would be good for our relationship. To have a break. A vacation in a magic land. Maybe we could mend fences, or something.”

  “As if you even care!” she said witheringly.

  “I do care. I—I’m sorry that things are going wrong.”

  “Maybe they’re going right. Did you ever think of that?”

  “Going right?” he asked blankly.

  “Maybe it was a mistake, us getting married. Maybe now we’re finally catching on. Maybe we’re getting ready to set things right.”

  “I don’t understand.” But he feared he did.

  She softened. “Ed, some marriages aren’t meant to be. I think we should consider divorce.”

  He was stunned. She had said the D word. He had thought she was going to recommend counseling. “I—I don’t want that.”

  “But maybe it’s best. To recognize the situation, and take appropriate action. There should be less pain that way.”

  She was serious. She must have considered this pretty carefully, and that knocked his world for a loop. But what could he do?

  He decided to go for double or nothing. “How about this: let’s make a deal. You give this fantasy visit an honest try, and if it doesn’t work, then I’ll—I’ll not oppose a divorce. If that’s what you want.”

  She eyed him appraisingly. “You won’t fight it?”

  “I won’t fight it. Though I don’t want it. I’d rather make love than war, anytime. But I’ll go along with it. If that’s the way you feel.”

  She nodded. “Deal.” She extended her hand.

  “Deal,” he agreed, shaking her hand.

  Edsel called Dug immediately. Dug and Kim lived within a mile, and the two couples often visited each other socially as well as for business reasons.

  Kim answered the phone. “Yes?” she inquired politely. She had a nice voice.

  “Edsel. We—could we come over? Now? There’s something we need to discuss.”

  “Of course. I’ll tell Dug.” Her tone indicated that she realized that this was not routine.

  Dug wheeled out the Lemon, and Pia climbed on behind him, putting her arms around his waist. He had always liked riding with her, feeling her thighs against his hips, her bosom against his back. Her body wasn’t quite as good as it had been, but still appealed to him. He wondered how he had changed to turn her off, or whether she just had a short romantic attention span.

  He started the machine, and the engine came alive. It skipped a little, then settled down. He still hadn’t fixed the problem, but it was marginal rather than serious, so far. He guided the Lemon out into traffic. Two things he loved: the motorcycle and his wife. Now the one was weakening, and so was the other. But the game wasn’t over; maybe he could save both.

  “You should have dumped this junk long ago,” Pia muttered. “For a decent car.”

  “But I thought you liked my bike,” he protested.

  “Times change.”

  Painful truth. Her feeling had changed, for the motorcycle and for the man. If only he knew why!

  Actually, he feared he did know why: because Pia was as shallow as she was lovely, perhaps incapable of a meaningful long-term relationship. She had always used her looks to get by, and never developed a serious unselfish commitment to anything. Yet he remained smitten. What he truly wanted was perhaps not even theoretically achievable: the looks of Pia as she had been at age sixteen, and the character of Kim. Or at least Pia’s present appearance, and an uplifting long term goal. Something she truly believed in, that didn’t directly benefit herself.

  They pulled into Dug and Kim’s drive and parked. Pia got off, but didn’t go to the house. She was waiting on Edsel, not from courtesy so much as an indication that this was his stupid notion to present to the other couple.

  Kim opened the door. She was tall and lean, in jeans, and her face was garden variety, but she had a contagious enthusiasm for things. She had short curly light brown hair and blue eyes. Edsel wondered for the nth time what Dug saw in her, for Dug had always been just as fascinated by sexy women as Edsel was. She had been a string bean at sixteen, and remained one at twenty three. Pia, in contrast, had lustrous long dark brown hair, sexy green eyes, a cute heart shaped face, and a figure that remained not far short of great. There simply was no comparison between them. Yet Dug plainly doted on Kim. Ever since she kissed him, he said. As if that made sense.

  Edsel paused to let Pia enter first. She was in a form-fitting light sweater and a snug short skirt, and her walk was a delight to behold. No mystery what he saw in her.

  Dug met them inside. “Sit down,” he said. “Kim says it’s important.”

  Edsel sat on the living room couch. Pia did not join him; she chose an individual chair across the room, crossing her legs. That left Edsel with mixed feelings. He would have preferred to have her sit beside him, but he had always been wowed by her legs, especially from this angle. She well knew her power over him, but didn’t look at him.

  Dug took another chair, facing Edsel rather than Pia. Dug had once been Pia’s boyfriend, but he had treated her like a sister ever since Kim came into his life. Edsel suspected that that bothered Pia on some level, though she wanted nothing romantic to do with Dug. The men she dumped weren’t supposed to do as well as Dug had.

  Kim was left to join Edsel on the couch. She folded her legs beneath her and faced him expectantly.

  How to start? Suddenly this seemed complicated. “I—I found a new Leaf on the Mesh. An interface with Xanth, called the O-Xone.”

  “They’ve set up the O-Xone already?” Kim cried, delighted. “Wonderful! Now we can talk with Xanth folk without having to go there. Who’s there?”

  “A black girl called Breanna. She—”

  “Breanna of the Black Wave! Of course. She’s ideal. She’s from Mundania, originally. Great girl.”

  “Uh, yes. She and I talked, and decided to work an exchange, so Pia and I could visit Xanth, and two other folk could visit Mundania.”

  “An exchange?” Kim asked, picking right up on it. It was easy to talk, when she was the other party.

  “Yes. We would take the bodies of two people in Xanth, and they would take our bodies. So there would be no actual physical crossing, but we’d seem to be in each other’s worlds.” />
  “Fascinating,” Kim said enthusiastically. “That will make it much easier to visit Xanth. It gets complicated to do it physically, though with illusion it can seem real.”

  How true! “Yes. But the thing is that we’ll need guides, because—”

  “Companions!” Kim said. “Of course. Xanth is dangerous for unaccompanied strangers, even when it’s all in a game, and I guess Mundania would be just as bad for Xanthians.” She glanced at Dug.

  “Worse,” Dug agreed, on cue.

  Edsel envied their camaraderie. They got along so well. Pia, in contrast, was staring vaguely at the ceiling, bored, not trying to help at all. She was letting the world know that she didn’t care one way or the other.

  “So if you go to Xanth, you’ll need good Companions,” Kim said. “And the ones who take your bodies will need good Mundane Companions. Dug and I will be glad to do it.”

  Edsel was starting to catch on to what Dug saw in her. Kim had not only anticipated his awkward request, but agreed to it as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “Thanks,” he said, much relieved. “Breanna and someone called Justin will be our guides in Xanth, but I was concerned about imposing on you.”

  “No problem at all,” Kim said, glancing again at Dug, who nodded. “We’re glad to help with anything connected to Xanth. This is such a great breakthrough! We thought it’d be another year before they got the O-Xone set up. Who is coming here?”

  “Someone called—” Edsel scratched in his memory. “Nimble, I think. And Corinne.” He remembered the name meant something, like a pool cleaner, but couldn’t quite recover it, though Breanna had spoken it several times.

  Kim shook her head. “We don’t know them. But we don’t have to; we’ll get acquainted soon enough. So they’ll look just like you two, but their minds will be from Xanth.”

  “Yes. I agreed to have us all come in to the O-Xone tomorrow at noon, so we could meet and work out the details.”

  “That’s great,” Kim said. “You have worked it out perfectly.” Impulsively she leaned across and planted a firm kiss on his mouth.

  The world seemed to turn over. Edsel was floating on the elevated side of a Ferris wheel, high among pink clouds, dizzy but happy. Suddenly the rest of the mystery evaporated, and he knew what Dug meant. That was the best kiss he had ever experienced—and it wasn’t even serious. If she had wanted to seduce him, she could have done it merely by holding the kiss longer. Of course that was not her intent, and everyone knew it. But what a kiss!

  The clouds dissipated, and he became aware of friendly laughter, not shared by Pia. “I should have warned you,” Dug was saying. “She kisses.” He thought Edsel was merely surprised. That was the least of it.

  “Sorry,” Kim said, half mischievously. “It’s just that it was such a relief. We thought you were going to discuss something awful, like the two of you breaking up.”

  Now Pia met Edsel’s gaze. Then she spoke. “We’re considering it. But first we’ll try visiting Xanth.”

  Things got abruptly serious. “You are considering it?” Kim asked, and now there was no mischief or humor in her expression or tone. Edsel realized that she had not forgotten that Pia had been Dug’s first girlfriend. Surely she didn’t want Pia on the loose again.

  “We hope that a change of venue will help,” Edsel said quickly. “Like a vacation. Second honeymoon.”

  Pia opened her mouth, and by her expression nothing sweet or sentimental was about to come out.

  But Dug intercepted it. “Xanth will surely do it. There’s no place like it. We’ll be there tomorrow to meet the others, in the O-Xone.” And this time he shot Kim a look.

  Kim jumped up. “Right. And we’d better get our work done today, in case that takes some time. Sorry you folk must rush off so soon.”

  Beautiful, Edsel thought. They were a perfect team, always working together. In a moment he and Pia were out of the house and mounting the motorcycle.

  “This had better be good,” Pia muttered as they started off.

  Edsel didn’t answer. He didn’t want to risk getting into a quarrel now, lest she change her mind about the deal. It was clear that Xanth was his only hope.

  That afternoon he tackled the Cuss word Companions program, and this time found a way to finesse it so he could address the key he needed. After that things fell together, and he completed it in good order. He copied it to a backup disk and took it to Pia. “Now you can tell them it’s in the mail,” he said.

  She stared at the disk. “You got it? You’re sure.”

  “I’m sure. Put in it on your system and see.”

  She hesitated. Then she came to a decision. “Wait.”

  He waited, uncertain what was on her mind. She phoned Kim. “The Discuss Companions is ready. Tell Dug we’ll bring it to you in an hour, and he can copy it and ship it before the day is out.” She hung up.

  “An hour?” Edsel asked. “We can have it there in fifteen minutes.”

  She stood, stepped into him, and kissed him. Then she led him to the bedroom.

  Bemused, he realized that she was truly pleased to have the program done, so that they would not default on a deadline. And maybe she was jealous of Kim’s kiss, too. Pia never apologized, she just changed her mind, like the popular conception of the ideal woman. She had one effective way to make everything right, and he was not about to object. Whatever other problems they might have, they had none in bed when Pia was amenable. He knew that this was merely a gesture of the moment, and that nothing long-term had changed. But it would be one phenomenal moment.

  He was correct.

  Next day they coordinated by phone, then got on the GigaGrid. Edsel was on his system, and Pia on hers in the other room, and Dug and Kim on their two systems at their house. They “met” at a private online site they maintained, checking in. “Follow me,” Edsel said, knowing that they would lock on to his name and be carried along with him.

  He made his way to the Magic Mesh. When he came to the warning sign, he typed “Party of four: Edsel, Pia, Dug, Kim.” Then he did his voice whistle.

  The sign shimmered. WELCOME TO THE O-XONE. Then they were standing in the hall of pictures.

  “Oh!” Pia breathed, amazed. She tugged at her skirt, as if not believing that it was real. Maybe it was illusion, as was her body, but it was tangible.

  “It’s the O-Xone all right,” Kim said. “They have done a nice job.” She checked her own clothing. She had put on a skirt and blouse for this occasion, and looked decent.

  Edsel led the way to Breanna’s Leaf. This time he did not knock; hitting was too literal here. “Breanna,” he said.

  The picture animated. “Good; you’re here. This time we’re set up for it. Come in.” The picture expanded as her image fuzzed out, and became an entrance to a comfortable chamber.

  They stepped inside. The room seemed larger from inside; in fact it was like a huge living room, with easy chairs around the edge, facing in.

  They stood in the center, uncertain whether to sit. Then from a hall on the opposite side a man and a woman entered. The man seemed to be of college age, and the woman of high school age. In fact she was Breanna, this time complete. “You’re right,” Edsel said, surveying her body. “It’s proportional.”

  Breanna smiled. “You’ve been kissed recently, Edsel. It shows. So I guess it’s okay for me.” She walked up to him, embraced him, and reached her face up to kiss him.

  It felt real. Not destabilizing in the way of Kim’s kiss, or sexy in the way of Pia’s kiss, but solid and pleasant. He had never been kissed by a black girl before, and was almost surprised to discover that it was just like any other kiss. She was a very nice little package.

  Breanna stepped back. “This is Justin,” she said, indicating the young man. He looked quite ordinary. Not at all like a tree.

  “This is Pia,” Edsel said. “And Dug, and Kim.”

  “I know,” Breanna said. “We haven’t met before, but they are well known in Xanth.”

/>   “And we know of you,” Kim said. “We got a report on Jenny’s wedding, and you were there.”

  “For sure. So are we ready to meet Nimby and Chlorine?”

  Kim’s jaw dropped. “Who?”

  “Those are the names,” Edsel said quickly. “I guess I garbled them.”

  Breanna glanced at him sharply. “You don’t know who they are?”

  “I never heard of them before yesterday.”

  Breanna smiled. “Maybe that’s just as well. They are the ones you’ll be exchanging with. They want to visit Mundania. In fact it turns out they set this up, so they could do it.”

  “Set this up?”

  “Ah, here they are now.”

  Two more people entered the room. The man was handsome to the point of looking princely, while the woman was so stunningly lovely that it was hard to look directly at her.

  “Nimby and Chlorine,” Breanna said.

  Edsel tore his gaze from Chlorine. “Uh, this is—”

  “Thank you,” Chlorine said smoothly. “We know. Now there should be no misunderstanding, so I will spell it out. Nimby is a demon who normally assumes dragon ass form in Xanth, but he can take any form he wants, and give any form to his companion. We will borrow your forms in Mundania, but we think that something else is better for you in Xanth.” She glanced around the room.

  Edsel glanced too, as he wasn’t sure what she meant. Dug and Kim both seemed awed, as if they were seeing something miraculous or incredible. What was their problem?

  “Better?” he asked blankly.

  “This.” Then Breanna and Nimby changed forms, becoming exact likenesses of Edsel and Pia, complete to their clothing.

  Edsel stared, suspecting that this was a mirror effect. But Pia was standing beside him. His head swiveled, looking from one woman to the other. They were identical; he could not distinguish them. It was evident that Pia had a similar problem with him.

  “So you can be yourselves, in Xanth,” Chlorine continued. “Except that you will have to have magic talents, because everyone in Xanth does.” Then she and Nimby reverted to their original forms, abating the confusion.

  Something else occurred to Edsel. “Pia—she’s diabetic. Will she be the same in Xanth?”