Fashionably Fooled

by peterman, robyn

  “That’s some kinda bullshit,” Lizard growled as he wound up and destroyed a crystal decanter filled with scotch that cost more than the human’s national debt.

  “I couldn’t agree more,” I replied, steering the Demon away from the breakables and out into the center of the deserted ballroom.

  The Grand Ballroom’s black marble floor was encrusted with precious and rare gemstones—rubies, sapphires, emeralds and diamonds. The jewels were embedded with dark magic making them impossible to steal. Of course, I’d stolen them in the first place, but that was irrelevant. I hoped the enchantment would keep them from being decimated by Lizard’s bat. I’d seen the Demon knock the heads off of Trolls with the damn piece of wood, so the safety of my floor was anyone’s guess. Most likely, the ten crystal chandeliers that spilled down from the thirty-foot ceilings were safe.

  But then again, Lizard was a loose cannon. It’s why I liked him half the time and wanted to electrocute him the other half.

  “Clearly some motherfucker has heard about my womb eviction day and wants it stopped,” I told him.

  “Shut the front door,” Lizard shouted. “Some son of a bitch wants to disembowel your uterus?”

  I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Turning away from the idiot, I waved my hand and blew out the back wall of the ballroom. The explosion was positively cathartic. It felt wonderful and saved Lizard from a grisly death. I was maturing.

  “I didn’t say that the motherfucker wants to eviscerate my uterus,” I replied so calmly that Lizard went five shades paler than his usual ghostly hue. “First of all, I don’t have a fucking uterus. I said womb eviction day, not womb evisceration day.”

  “My bad.”

  “I should say so,” I chastised him.

  “Can I get a clarification without you burning Hell to the ground?” Lizard asked.

  “Possibly,” I conceded. “But if you imply that I have mammary glands, all bets are off.”

  Lizard squinted at me and grinned. As always, a smiling Demon was never a good sign. “Permission to correct you, my liege.”

  Breathing in through my nose and out through my lips, I again counted to ten—fifty times. Being corrected was seriously difficult for me. Not many were brave enough to do it since it usually ended in death. Although, to be fair, Lizard had requested permission.

  “Hang on a sec,” I said, pacing to the far side of the room and setting the floor to ceiling brocade curtains on fire. Crossing back to Lizard as the flames crackled behind me, I felt calmer and more in control. “I’m good now. Go ahead.”

  “Umm… you sure, my liege?” Lizard asked as the flames danced and spread quickly around the cavernous room.

  “Absolutely,” I assured him. “If it gets too hot in here, we can go outside.”

  “Alrighty then,” he said with a shrug. “All male and female mammals have mammary glands—or in layman’s terms, hooter nodules. That’s the organ that produces milk—not to be confused with the organ known as the love rod. The salami does produce a milky-like substance, but it does not taste good in coffee—trust me on that. When the hooter nodule matures fully in females during puberty, they develop into a state where a hormonal spike called prolactin can induce lactation—or milk squirts. Now for the persuasion packing a schlong, the gland doesn’t generally mature to that level. Hence, those with pork swords rarely produce milk squirts.”

  “Excuse me once again,” I ground out as I stomped my foot and all ten chandeliers crashed to the floor making a horrifyingly satisfactory noise. Shards of crystal flew everywhere, and Lizard had the wherewithal to duck for cover. I stood and watched as the shimmering crystal picked up the red and orange of the flames. It was gorgeous. Sadly, I had to stop the inferno before the entire palace went up in a blaze caused by my tantrum. Turning back to Lizard, I raised a brow. “How may I ask do you know these bizarre facts?”

  “I like to read medical dictionaries,” Lizard explained warily. “If I know anatomy, I can kill shit more creatively.”

  I couldn’t even argue that point, so I didn’t. I’d already done enough structural damage for the day. Coupled with Elle’s explosive earthquakes, we were quite the deadly combo.

  “What I was trying to say before you made me have to incinerate my abode was that some asshole is trying to halt the worldwide celebration of my birthday,” I said, waving my hand and repairing all the damage I’d just caused.

  “You have a birthday?” he asked, confused.

  “Everyone has a birthday—or womb eviction day as I like to refer to it,” I snapped. “I just didn’t know when it was until recently.” Why in the Hell was everyone so surprised I had a damn birthday? Did they believe I’d been hatched?

  “Who else is aware of the date?” the crazed Demon asked, smacking so hard on his gum, I thought his jaw might dislocate.

  “My mother and Astrid,” I told him. “Astrid is not a suspect. The letter came yesterday via a four-headed vulture before she knew of the date.”

  “I’m gonna go on record and say that I don’t think your mom would mess with your birthday,” Lizard said with a shudder of terror.

  I shuddered as well and agreed with him. Mother Nature was indeed frightening. Plus, she was pole dancing in Belize. As certifiably insane as my mother was, she loved me. And I loved her in my own way, not that I would ever admit it. It wasn’t good for my asshole reputation to be too soft.

  Lizard began to pace in small circles, making me dizzy. “You think it’s God?”

  I had considered it, but the thought was ludicrous. “My brother, as much as he drives me to drink, doesn’t work that way. He’s far too sanctimonious and good.”

  Lizard nodded and continued to pace. “Jesus? He has a pretty big birthday—might not like the competition.”

  “Absolutely not,” I said, having already considered that as well. While my brother was good, my nephew was impeccably good.

  “I agree,” Lizard said. “Just wanted to name the usual suspects.”

  “Honestly, I have no idea who it could be,” I said, perplexed.

  “Enemies?” Lizard asked.

  “Millions,” I said with a laugh. “I’m fucking Satan. What do you expect?”

  “Well… not that,” Lizard muttered, terribly confused. “That’s medically impossible.”

  As much as I appreciated my Demon warrior, he had to be punished for my faux pas. However, to be nice—a relative word—I’d warn him. I’d appreciated it greatly when Elle had given me a heads up before stabbing me with a cake knife.

  “I feel the need to electrocute you,” I told him.

  “It would be my pleasure to be electrocuted by my liege,” Lizard replied, placing his bat on the floor and removing the gum from his mouth, so he didn’t choke on it when the explosion came. He affixed the enormous wad of sugary rubber to the tip of the deadly bat and waited for me to blast him.

  Shit. Now I just felt bad. I was the one who said I could fuck myself, not him.

  “Forget it,” I said, feeling itchy and unsettled with my uncharacteristic fairness. “It was not you who claimed you could copulate with yourself. The electrocution shall be postponed to another time when more deserved.”

  “Thank you, Sire,” Lizard said with a grin as he shoved his gum back into his mouth and retrieved his bat. “I do believe I have a solution for you on your catchphrase. It would guarantee that no one would think you could bang yourself.”

  “You do?” I inquired with great interest. It was getting embarrassing to be called out for claiming I could have intercourse with myself.

  “Yep,” he replied. “Shove a the in there and you’re safe.”

  “And where exactly would I shove this the?”

  “Before the word fucking,” Lizard explained.

  I tried it out in my head. Lizard was brilliant. He had dreadful taste in women and clothing and was a fount of unnecessary knowledge, but he was also a genius.

  “I’m the fucking Satan,” I said, trying out my new catchphr
ase. “I like it. I’d say thank you, but I’m not into that kind of thing.”

  “No worries, my Dark Lord. I also have an idea who could help us find the jackhole who’s trying to ruin your womb expulsion day.”

  “Eviction,” I corrected him, but expulsion had a nice ring to it.

  “My bad,” Lizard said with a chuckle. “Read the letter to me one more time.”

  “Lord of Darkness, the day will never happen. The birth will go unrecognized. The end draws near for your latest folly and the hands of fate shall be empty. Heed these words and do not try to replace what already exists.”

  “Okay,” Lizard said, bouncing his bat off his head as he thought. That had to hurt. “First and second line is about your womb dump day. Third line means that Elle won’t get birthday cake, which in her hangry state is dangerous to your pecker. Third line is also a death threat to you or possibly your party. Last line makes me think you might have the wrong date for your uterus ejection day.”

  “So maybe my mother is behind this,” I said, mulling the possibility over. It wasn’t her style to write threatening notes, but there was a first time for everything. She usually just showed up and caused massive property damage. I still mentally rejected the idea, but since I was at a dead-end, I put my mother back on the suspect list.

  “Very doubtful, but possible. I wouldn’t rule Mother Nature out just yet,” Lizard recommended. “However, I do know someone who could help us find the culprit—an incredible badass named Murry.”

  “There’s a badass named Murry?”

  “Damn straight,” he said.

  “And what exactly is this Murry? I have no Demon called Murry in my ranks.” At least I hoped I didn’t. That would be appalling.

  “A Dragon.”

  “They’re a myth,” I said, doubting Lizard’s wisdom. “I have never seen a Dragon in all my life.”

  “That’s because you don’t know where to look,” he replied slyly.

  “Okay, I’ll bite. Where does a Dragon reside?”

  “In his mother’s basement.”

  “You’re fucking with me,” I said, narrowing my eyes.

  “I fuck you not,” Lizard promised.

  We both paused in alarm as we evaluated the last words that had fallen from Lizard’s lips. They verged on the need for a beheading, but the word not saved him. It amazed me how a simple three letter word could change a meaning entirely. It did occur to me that if I eliminated the word fuck from my vocabulary, I’d have an easier time in life. However, it was an excellent word. There were not many terms that could be a noun, verb, adjective, and adverb. It was incredibly versatile. I was keeping it.

  “Take me to the Dragon,” I said.

  And then all Hell broke loose.

  * * *

  The blast of black glitter as they poofed into the room set my teeth on edge. It covered every available section of real estate in the Grand Ballroom. The cleanup would be hellish. Magic was difficult to remove since it tended to eat vacuums. I’d have to bring in a few Hell Hounds to take care of the mess. The poor beasts would have indigestion for weeks.

  Lizard, as brave as he was, sprinted like the Devil was on his ass and hid under a massive flower arrangement of black roses with poisoned thorns. That was ridiculous since I was standing right here. For a moment, I did consider joining him, but it would undermine my authority with my daughters.

  Poisonous thorns were preferable to my offspring.

  The seven unbalanced fruits of my loins stood in a circle, dressed to the nines and continued to snipe at each other even though they had to be aware they were in my presence. I hadn’t summoned them, so they had clearly sought my audience.

  Their outer beauty belied their rotten insides. It was my fault. I’d spoiled the Seven Deadly Sins for thousands of years and they’d turned out dreadfully. Each had a different mother except for the triplets. I’d had no plans to raise the Demons until each of their mothers had dropped them on the front doorstep of the Dark Palace never to be heard from again. There were those in Hell who surmised my daughters had eaten their mothers. I’d lost a few nights of beauty sleep over that rumor, but they were all vegetarians so it couldn’t be true. I hoped.

  The mothers of my daughters knew what they were doing when they ditched them. I actually admired the balls one would have to be sporting enough to do such a dastardly thing to one’s own child. At this point, I was ready to banish all seven of them from Hell and send them on a search to find their egg donors. I’d had them for thousands of years. Fair was fair. It was time for their mothers to bail them out of prison and pay for retail therapy.

  Wrath, Lust, Greed, Envy and the triplets, Sloth, Gluttony and Pride made me wish that I’d had a vasectomy a few thousand years ago. Of course, my eighth daughter, Daisy, made me happy I hadn’t, not that surgery would work on an Immortal anyway. But Dixie lived on Earth with her mate, the Angel of Death—a man I loved to hate. As long as he was good to my daughter, I wouldn’t have to remove his body parts.

  The seven standing before me? I wasn’t so sure they would leave in one piece. I’d gotten them out of more trouble in their long lives than should be legal—not that I was fond of legal means. I loved bad behavior and cheating and stealing, but attempted murder and trying to basically ruin my life was another thing altogether. Thankfully, they were terrified of Elle. My lover was the Keeper of Fate. My daughters were mean, but they would be fools to mess with karma. They were not fools.

  With cell phones glued to their hands, the Seven Deadly Sins scrolled and insulted each other as if their evil lives depended on it.

  “I refuse to accept that Princess Einstein’s Phlegm is my royal name,” an angry Gluttony shouted.

  “That’s nothing,” Lust chimed in with a hiss of displeasure. “My stupid name is Princess Hobbit Nipple. Who in the Hell created this name generator? I’d like to skin them alive.”

  “You’re both imbeciles. Boiling is quicker and less messy than skinning,” Pride growled. “Mine is the worst. I’m Princess Rancid Orgasm.”

  “But that’s actually true,” Gluttony squealed with glee only to be singed with a vicious fireball by Pride.

  Not one to let a fireball go, Gluttony clapped her hands and turned all the hair on Pride’s head a puke green color. My children were such a delight.

  “You’re a bitch,” Pride shrieked.

  “Your point?” Gluttony inquired with a smirk.

  “Whatever,” Pride hissed and went back to her phone. “Anyhoo, it says right here that Envy’s new moniker is Princess Muffdust the Pecker Wrecker.”

  “Ohhhhhhh,” Envy snarled as she swiped Pride’s phone and incinerated it to ash. “While that may be, looks like ’ol Wrath is Princess Lubed Up Assbasket.”

  “Fitting,” Sloth said with a giggle as she glanced around in confusion. “Why are we still in Hell? I thought we were poofing to Paris for lunch and a crime spree.”

  “In a moment,” Wrath said, acknowledging me. “Hello, Daddy. We’re here for our allowance.”

  “Ahhh, the fuckening has arrived,” I said, eyeing the hot mess of evil with annoyance.

  “Pardon me?” Greed snapped then cowered immediately as I raised my brow.

  “You know,” I said with a grin. “The fuckening. When you’ve had a shitty day and you think nothing can make it worse… and then it happens. That’s the fuckening.”

  “Kinda rude,” Gluttony mumbled.

  “Kinda true,” Sloth said with another giggle.

  Sloth was my favorite next to Dixie. It was too bad that she hung out with the rest of the hooligans.

  “Apples never fall far from trees,” Wrath said in a cool tone.

  “Good to know you’ve read your Uncle’s Book,” I replied silkily.

  “Actually, we didn’t make it into Uncle God’s book,” Envy said grumpily.

  “And it looks like we didn’t make it into your book either, Daddy,” Pride hissed.

  “I didn’t write it, so I can’t be blam
ed,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and eyeing them suspiciously. Could one of my ungrateful daughters have sent the letter? It would be just like them to ruin my party. Only one way to find out.

  Wiggling my fingers and surrounding them with a circle of enchanted fire that was impossible to cross, I approached the surprised girls. “Lizard, show yourself,” I commanded.

  “Yes, my liege?” the Demon said, crawling out from under the flowers.

  “Do you happen to have any more gum on you?”

  I had no clue what ingredients were in the sticks of sugar that he constantly gnawed on, but I did know there was a truth serum in it. It didn’t affect Lizard, but it worked wonders on those he gave it to. It was how we’d gotten information from the Trolls we’d battled.

  “Yep,” he said with a wide grin as he pulled out seven sticks. “You want the truth from them?”

  “I do,” I replied with a curt nod.

  Lizard whispered to the gum in a voice so quiet, I had no clue what he said. I didn’t care. As long as it worked, I was good. He handed it over and bowed. Lizard was an excellent Demon to have around.

  “A gift,” I said as I sent the gum to each of my daughters with a snap of my fingers.

  The gum floated across the fire barrier and flew right into each of their mouths. With a wave of my hand, I sealed their lips shut. The silence was glorious.

  “Chew up,” I directed. “It only takes a moment.”

  “Love that song,” Lizard said, looking wistful.

  “What the Hell are you talking about?” I asked with an eye roll. “What song?”

  “It Only Takes a Moment from Hello Dolly. Carol Channing was hot. Had my first nocturnal emission dreaming about her hooters.”

  That certainly explained his attraction to Martha and Jane.

  “Lizard, do you value your life?” I ground out, wincing in pain at the appalling visual he’d just created.