Fashionably Fooled

by peterman, robyn

  I felt the loss of her heat immediately, and I didn’t like it. I hated watching Elle walk away from me even though I knew she was simply going to get dressed for the day. My need for her was obsessive, addictive, and every kind of perfect. She was my reason for being.

  “That’s the first meeting?” I asked with a wince. Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any worse… it could.

  “Yep,” Elle said with a laugh. “And they’re bringing cookies.”

  “Wonderful,” I lied through my teeth. “Can’t wait.”

  Chapter Eight

  “Darling, I spoke with Sadie,” my mother informed me from her end of the call. “She’s beyond thrilled about Elle and said she’d get herself to Hell ASAP. The other Sirens in Kismet have stopped killing men during sex for the most part. She feels it’s safe to leave them for a few weeks.”

  “Seriously? Sadie is coming here?” I snapped.

  Why in the name of everything dastardly would Elle’s mother want to come to Hell for her daughter’s period? Not that I didn’t enjoy my mother-in-law’s company—she was a wonderful liar, but this was getting out of hand. I wanted Elle to myself.

  “Yes, seriously,” my mother hissed. “This is one of the biggest events in her daughter’s life, you jackass. Hang on a sec, sweetie.”

  I pulled the phone away from my ear as my mother began to scream at someone.

  “I can’t do a double,” she shrieked. “I split the crotch of my pants the last time I did that. Those pants were one of a kind. NO DOUBLES.”

  I really hoped she wasn’t shouting at my father. There was only so much a son wanted to overhear.

  “A double is out of the question,” she continued at a decibel that could be heard for miles. “If you say that word one more time, I shall electrocute you. And I’m being kind, jackhole. Usually, I give no warning.”

  I was so tempted to hang up, I could taste it. However, I was hoping for a bit more information.

  “Sorry, darling,” my mother said in a calmer voice. “My pole dancing instructor wants me to do a double twist dismount. I won’t do it. I have a sneaking suspicion that she wants to punish me for my teeny tiny mistake at the competition in Belize.”

  “You mean poisoning your competitors?” I asked.

  “That sounds awful when you say it that way, Lucifer,” she chided with a giggle. “And yes, my coach was one of the gals in the competition. That being said, I won’t do a double. Don’t you agree with me? My pants are insanely expensive. Crotchless designer pants are not classy—well, not in public. Your father would love them.”

  “Mmmkay,” I said, wanting to move the conversation along to something that didn’t have anything to do with my mother’s crotch. “Did Sadie have any other information? Like how long my balls would be in danger?”

  “Oh yes! Here’s the most exciting news. Elle’s time only lasts a week. Can you believe that shit? I went the whole nine months. It’s not fair.”

  I sent a silent condolence to my father for having to watch his nuts for that long.

  “Excellent,” I said, mentally counting the days. “It will coincide with my womb eviction day. The cause for celebration shall be two-fold.”

  My mother’s squeal of joy almost burst my eardrum. “Yes, according to Sadie, her time will come to an end early in the morning. It always happens in the morning for a Siren. It shall be a double celebration!”

  “Umm… yes,” I said, hoping the word double wouldn’t start another crotch rampage. “Will you be attending the party?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it, Lucifer. I received my invitation from Astrid just this morning. I do find it appalling that you want stolen gifts.”

  Ahh, Astrid had followed orders. Point for my niece.

  “Yes, well, I'm a badass,” I replied with a grin. “It seems fitting.”

  “And you’re also an asshole,” my mother reminded me.

  “Thank you.”

  “It wasn’t a compliment,” she shot back with another giggle. “But I do adore you. And just remember the name Gaia is truly lovely even for a boy.”

  “You want me to take your name?” I asked, confused. Clearly, she’d fallen on her head a few times during her pole lesson.

  “No, silly goose. Just keep it in mind,” she said. “Have to go. The pole waits for no one.”

  With that, she hung up on me. I considered blocking her again, but I would wait until Elle’s lady time was over. Hell forbid there were more rituals I knew nothing about.

  * * *

  “Okay, Spectacular Shmackle,” Martha said as she entered my office with Jane and a tiny woman in tow. “We got it all fuckin’ figured out for you.”

  “What the Hell are you wearing?” I choked out. I chose to ignore the dick reference. Since it was accurate, I’d give Martha a pass.

  The two old Vamps normally looked horrendous. However, today was a shining moment of Hellishness. Both Martha and Jane were clad in what could only be described as assless, lime-green lederhosen with hot pink sequined boob tubes, paired with black socks and brown orthopedic shoes. It was so awful it was difficult to look away. They were undead walking train wrecks.

  “You like it, Luscious Love Plunger?” Jane asked, modeling her disaster and slapping her bare ass as she turned to show Elle and me every nightmarish angle. “It’s in honor of our guest.”

  “No,” I said flatly. “I don’t like it.”

  “Aww, come on,” Martha shouted with a cackle, shimmying so that the light caught the hot pink sequins as she delivered a massive plate of cookies to Elle. “Someone with a master deedle-honk like you should love this outfit. Shows lots of skin.”

  That fact could not be debated. I’d never seen so much wrinkled, sagging flesh in my existence. Elle didn’t seem bothered by the disgusting display of epidermis. She was far too involved with the cookies.

  “I have a full agenda,” I said, wanting to get the meeting over with as soon as possible. “Get to the point and get out.”

  “See what I’m talking about?” Martha said to the tiny woman who stood quietly and took notes. “Fabu Man-yam is all kinds of rude.”

  The woman nodded her little head, eyed me for a long moment then took more notes.

  Shit.

  If this was Aunt Flow, we were all in trouble. The woman was Immortal, but I couldn’t put my finger on her species. I searched my vocabulary for a word to describe her. The only word that came to mind was one I’d banned from my speech. Cute. The tiny woman was cute. Cute was a terrible thing. It hid all kinds of unsavory motives.

  The woman had to be about four and a half feet tall. She wore a bright red pantsuit, sensible shoes and red-rimmed glasses. I could blow, and she’d fly away, but for some unknown reason she terrified me. My guess? She had to be a mother. Mothers were terrifying.

  “And you are?” I demanded in a curt tone, letting her know who was boss.

  “You don’t know?” Martha asked, surprised.

  “Obviously not,” I snapped as Elle finally looked up from the cookies.

  “Dr. Ruth?” Elle asked as her smile widened with recognition. “Is that really you?”

  “It is,” Dr. Ruth said warmly in a German accent. “And how are you, Keeper of Fate?”

  “I’m great. You want a cookie?” Elle asked, clearly besotted with the cute Dr. Ruth.

  “You’re willing to give up a cookie for this woman?” I asked, shocked.

  I was slightly worried if this Dr. Ruth said yes, she’d end up impaled on something sharp. So be it. It would put an end to the meeting.

  “Of course,” Elle said, handing several cookies over to the tiny woman.

  I considered asking for one but decided not to risk it with company present.

  “Why are you here?” Elle asked Dr. Ruth as she gave her a few more of her beloved cookies.

  “Wait a minute,” I said, narrowing my eyes at Martha and Jane and recalling the upset in Murry the badass’ basement over the kidnapping of a Dr. Ruth. “Did you
abduct this woman?”

  “Let’s say we did, Monster Schlong,” Jane grunted. “Is that a problem for you?”

  Shit. She had me there. Illegal activities were lauded in Hell. I gave bonuses for creativity.

  “That depends,” I shot back.

  “On what, Mammoth Shmackle?” Martha questioned.

  Closing my eyes, I willed myself not to electrocute Martha and Jane. Since it would upset Lizard—my only employee at the moment—if his undead concubines were actually permanently dead, I refrained. “Depends on why Dr. Ruth is here,” I said, watching the tiny doctor eat her cookie.

  “Vell,” Dr. Ruth said, snapping her fingers and producing a small chair she could sit on where her feet actually touched the ground. “From vhat I’ve been told by the famous singer-authors, Martha and Jane, you have a sexual problem. I’m a sexual therapist, and I’m here to help you. Just because your shmackle is large doesn’t mean you know vhat to do vith it. Everyone needs to get some. Vhile a big penis is great, the most important six inches are between your ears.”

  “It’s much bigger than six inches,” I said, completely insulted.

  “It is,” Jane confirmed as Martha gave me a thumbs up.

  “Excuse me,” I said, risking my life and grabbing one of Elle’s cookies. When she didn’t behead me, I gave her a smile, turned to the back wall of the office and incinerated it.

  “Vas that necessary?” Dr. Ruth asked.

  “It was either the wall or your head. So yes,” I replied.

  “Very vell,” Dr. Ruth said with a tight smile. “Let’s get right to it. Shall ve?”

  “NO, we shall not,” I snapped and turned to Elle. “Did you tell Dumb and Dumber that we had a sex issue?”

  “Is he referring to us?” Martha asked Jane.

  “No, just you,” Jane assured her.

  “I most certainly did not say we had a sexual issue,” Elle said, placing her hand on her heart so I was aware she wasn’t lying. “I did say I’d considered removing your shmackle with a dull butter knife. They may have misinterpreted that.”

  “You think?” I yelled as my fingers began to spark with the need to blow the Dark Palace to smithereens. “And never call my dick a shmackle again. It will lose all functionality and then we will have a sexual issue.”

  “My bad,” Elle said with a wide smile. “Will man-yam be okay?”

  “No,” I said, trying to bite back my grin.

  “Deedle-honk?” Elle tried again with a burst of laughter.

  My grin won out and I shook my head. My Siren could get away with anything and I’d be fine with it. “Dick will work just fine.”

  “Vell, I think penis is an excellent vord,” Dr. Ruth chimed in. “It’s medically accurate. And if you say it in the right tone, it’s very, very sexy. Try it. On three, everyone say penis.”

  “Umm… we’re going to go with dick,” Elle said, still giggling. “And I assure you, we have no sexual issues whatsoever.”

  “Vhatever vorks for you,” Dr. Ruth said, daintily wiping the cookie crumbs from her tiny mouth. “Vell, vhile I’m here, is there anything I can do for you?”

  I considered asking about Elle’s lady time, but since I knew there was an end in sight, I decided against it.

  “I think we’re good,” I said, looking to Elle for confirmation.

  She nodded and took my hand in hers.

  “However, I am curious,” I said to the tiny woman who was tucking her extra cookies into her handbag. “What are you?”

  “You can’t tell, Devil?” she asked with a twinkle in her eye.

  “If I could, I wouldn’t ask,” I replied, trying not to smile at the cute woman.

  I failed.

  “You know another of my kind,” she said with a wink. “I believe he has a restraining order against you.”

  My gasp was audible. “You’re a Unicorn like Steve Perry?”

  “I am,” she said with a nod of her head. “He’s invited me to be his companion at your birthday celebration on April 1st.”

  “He’s coming?” I squealed, unable to control myself. I sounded like a teenage girl, but I didn’t care. Steve Perry was my hero. Journey was the greatest band of all time. Hopefully, Steve would tie one on and I could get close to him. The restraining order seriously cramped my style. I knew we would be best friends if the bastard would just give me a chance. I was fabulous. And yes, I was now aware that stalking him in his home, his place of work and in the tub was not nice. Occasionally, I learned from my mistakes.

  I couldn’t wait until my womb evection day now. I just needed to make sure Darby, Dino and Dagwood got the Dark Palace looking spiffy. It would be appalling to have dust bunnies with Steve Perry in attendance.

  I also needed to get to the bottom of who was trying to destroy my day. It was now more important than ever. There was a chance I could touch Steve Perry.

  Shit. I hoped Steve Perry liked beans-n-franks.

  Elle giggled and kissed my cheek. “He’s coming. You’re not allowed within a hundred feet of him, but Astrid pulled some favors and he’s definitely coming.”

  “Excellent,” I said, reining it in so I didn’t sound like an idiot. “It shall make my special night even more special.”

  “Vell, if that is it, I’ll see you this veekend,” Dr. Ruth stood to take her leave. “And congratulations.”

  “Yes, yes, it’s wonderful news that Steve Perry is coming,” I said.

  “It really is,” Elle said, squeezing my hand. “It will be the party to end all parties.”

  I loved my woman so much it was insane.

  Dr. Ruth looked at both Elle and me strangely for a moment then shrugged her tiny shoulders. “I can keep a secret,” she said with a giggle. “I von’t tell a soul.”

  “Umm… okay,” Elle said with a perplexed smile. “It was lovely to see you again, Dr. Ruth.”

  “You too, dear Elle. Say hello to your mother. I haven’t seen her in centuries.”

  “She’ll be here soon,” I said as Elle turned to me in shocked delight.

  “She will?” Elle asked as her eyes grew wide with joy.

  I had no intention of telling the love of my evil life that her mother was coming to celebrate her lady time. That was dangerous territory. Everything was starting to go right. I wanted to keep my head—both of them.

  “Indeed she will, lover. Your mother is coming for the party,” I said, tucking her wild blonde hair behind her ear. It was a half-truth. Sadie would be here for the party.

  “April 1st is going to be the best day ever,” Elle said with a happy sigh as she yawned sleepily. “So darn tired all the time. I’m going to take a nap. Excuse me.”

  With a kiss to my lips that made me yearn for more, and a goodbye hug for the three women, Elle wandered out of the office and went back to our connected suite to rest. Her lady time was kicking her lovely and shapely ass.

  “Let her sleep,” Dr. Ruth advised, patting my hand. “During this special time, a voman can get very tired. She needs all the sleep she can get. Soon there vill be no rest for the veary!”

  I was fairly sure she was implying that Elle and I would be sexually busy after her lady time was over. It was inappropriate, but correct. I decided not to smite her, because Elle seemed to care for her, and I didn’t think Steve Perry would like me if I beheaded his buddy.

  “Are we done here?” I inquired as Martha and Jane went to gather up the left-over cookies and take them away.

  “Yep, Giant Johnson, we are,” Martha said with a chuckle.

  “Leave the cookies,” I instructed. “Elle might want them later.”

  “Right,” Jane said with a grin. “Eat ‘em. We won’t tell.”

  And I did. Right after they left, I inhaled the damn cookies.

  They were delicious.

  Today was looking up. I needed to find out if Murry the badass had found the culprit and then prepare for my meeting with Astrid. Not to mention, I needed to alert the media that Satan’s birthday was fas
t approaching. The world needed to be made aware of the recently discovered womb eviction day of the Dark Angel.

  Honestly, April 1st was a brilliant birthday for the Devil. People wouldn’t know if it was a joke or not. Of course, it wasn’t a lark at all… the joke was on them.

  Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

  Chapter Nine

  “I’ve been busier than a cat covering up crap on a marble floor,” Murry the badass said, wiping the blood from an open wound on his head. “Not one of them sexy female Demons wrote that dang letter.”

  “You’ve sniffed all of them?” I asked, annoyed that the perpetrator had not yet been found. Pacing the black rose garden on the front lawn of the Dark Palace, I racked my brain for other ways to suss out the culprit. I decided to have the conversation outside when I’d found twenty of my staff hiding from Mammy in the Grand Foyer closet. All of them were still sporting hair and wanted to keep it that way. Sending Mammy to the Basement of Hell was on the agenda of this meeting.

  Now that I was aware my hero Steve Perry would be a guest, I needed my womb eviction celebration to be relatively violence free. Looking over my shoulder the entire time for someone trying to off me and ruin the soiree would fuck up my plan of trying to get Steve Perry to be my best friend. That was unacceptable.

  “Yep, he sniffed ’em good,” Mammy said, snorting loudly and healing her son with some kind of magical, golden nostril air. “My Murry has been working harder than a one-legged cat in a litter box.”

  I’d never witnessed anything like it. She circled the halfwit fruit of her loins while sniffing and snorting like she had something stuck in her nose. Dragons were a bizarre species. Not to mention, they clearly had a thing about feline bathroom habits.

  “My boy Murry got the digits from twelve she-devils who tried to kill him dead. I’m right proud of my spawn,” Mammy announced with glee as she did a little jig that reminded me of Martha and Jane and made the bile in my stomach rise.

  My gaze narrowed and I glared at the old woman. “Where’s your cane? How is it that you’re dancing?”