by Lucia Ashta
“For all we know, Delise might’ve put some kind of homing device on herself so he could always be at her beck and call,” Shawna said.
“That would imply that Delise knew she might be taken against her will,” Jowelle said. “That seems like a stretch.”
“Not if she’s had plans to hook into the spell for a while,” I said. “She’d have to know the council wouldn’t stand around and let her do it.”
Nan pursed her lips. “If you hadn’t realized what she was doing, it’s exactly what might have happened. That Delise has been trouble since her school years. Never happy unless she was the center of attention. Willing to do whatever it took to make sure she got it. I should’ve seen it coming.”
“Me too,” Stella said. “I’ve always hated her and I never knew why. I should’ve listened to myself better.”
“A lesson for all of us,” Nan said, absently running her fingers along the sequins of her unicorn purse while she appeared to mull over what we should do next.
One of the double doors slammed open, hitting the wall behind it, startling us all. Mindy curled into herself until she was no larger than a tennis ball, though far pokier.
Nan’s hand was over her heart. “Holy shiznickle, Jadine! You about scared me to death.”
Jadine Lolly fast-walked up the aisle, her raven-black hair trailing behind her like a scarf. “Sorry, Bessie. I didn’t mean to. But I need to report a crime.”
“A crime?” Nan asked while Jowelle furrowed her brow. “We don’t have crimes in Gales Haven. Not serious ones, anyhow. Is this a serious crime?”
Jadine was out of breath by the time she reached the dais. “Very serious,” she said, and Mindy popped her head out of her ball of quills. Deciding Jadine was safe enough, she flipped over back onto her paws, not at all looking concerned about the fact that she was the only tiny creature among comparable giants.
Eyes wide, Shawna looked to Luanne, then back to Jadine. “So what is it?” she asked a bit breathlessly.
“Someone’s been stealing my Spanx.”
“Uh, excuse me?” I said. Surely I’d misheard her.
“Someone is stealing my Spanx.”
“Oh,” I said, because what else did one say to that?
“Tell us what’s going on,” Nan said seriously while I struggled to contain a giggle that the crazed-looking raven-haired witch would hardly appreciate. It was a good thing my kids were in school and not exposed to the full spectrum of cray-cray this town encompassed.
“I use Spanx because some things just don’t tighten up the way they used to…” Jadine started.
“Hm-hmmph,” Stella mumbled in understanding.
“They’re damn expensive, you know, so I hand wash them. I treat them real good to make them last. I don’t even hang them out on the line to dry in the sun so it doesn’t wear them out. Also ‘cause Jelly’s my neighbor, and he likes to look over the fence at my drying line. The perv.”
“Second time Jelly’s come up today,” Nan said. “Interesting.”
Jadine narrowed her eyes at imaginary Jelly. “Did he take my Spanx?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then why’d he come up?”
“He says a leprechaun is in town who’s gonna be all sorts of trouble.”
Jadine’s eyes bulged. “A leprechaun is stealing my Spanx?”
“That’s not what I said,” Nan corrected.
“Well, then who’s taken five pairs of Spanx from my inside drying line, hunh? Who?”
Stella turned toward me. “Jelly did say that Marla was supposed to solve whatever problems the leprechaun caused.”
I couldn’t help but notice how Stella’s version of what Jelly said changed slightly with each time she repeated it.
“I don’t think Jelly meant I was supposed to crime solve missing Spanx,” I said, chuckling … until Jadine turned her ire on me. I smiled at her awkwardly, not saying another word. I’d learned my lesson from watching Darnell Adams keep shoveling himself into a deeper hole.
“Well, somebody’s gotta figure out where my Spanx went. I need them. I only have three pairs left, and that’s not enough to hand wash, hang dry, and have one for each day.”
“Maybe just skip the Spanx,” I suggested. Wouldn’t that be fast problem solving?
Jadine ran a hand along the length of her body. “And reveal what this really looks like?”
“Uh, yeah. Why not? You’re a beautiful woman.”
“Hell yeah I’m a beautiful woman. But I’m a curvy woman, and I like to choose which of my curves I put on display. I’m husband hunting.”
I pressed my lips shut in case something tried to slip out. I wasn’t going to touch that one.
Apparently none of the other Gawamas planned to either.
“Tell us the rest of the story,” Nan urged. “The Spanx just disappear from the line, and that’s it? Are there any clues left behind?”
“Actually, now that you ask, yeah there’s some clues left behind all right. The culprit”—again she narrowed her eyes at the imagined offender—“takes my scissors and slices the crotch right out of my Spanx, and then he leaves the crotch pieces on my table like he’s mocking me.”
“How do you know it’s a he?” Jowelle asked.
Jadine cocked a hip out to the side and studied her. “Are you seriously telling me you think a woman would steal a sister’s Spanx and then cut the crotch out to drive her crazy? It’s like he’s stealing them and then mocking me about how he’s not gonna use them or something. And I mean, what man would use Spanx?”
Luanne, Shawna, Nan, and I tilted our heads to the side in a maybe-some-men-use-Spanx-but-we-don’t-want-to-go-there look.
“It’s definitely a man,” Stella affirmed, and after her heated dispute with Darnell, none of us were going to argue otherwise.
“Then this is how we’re going to handle it,” Nan announced, and even Mindy perked up to hear the matriarch’s plan. “Stella, Jowelle, Darnell, and I will work on the Delise issue.”
Stella scowled, and I wondered how long she’d hold Darnell’s comments against him.
“I think it’s a good idea to involve Everleigh too. The more at this point, the better.”
“And us?” Shawna asked.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what task Nan was about to assign me.
“You’re with Marla. You and Lu help her figure out this mad caper.”
“Mad caper?” I said. “Nan, don’t you think that’s a bit much…?” I stopped mid-sentence, remembering it wasn’t just family here, and I wasn’t supposed to question the head of the council, not in official rulings especially. “Never mind. Sorry,” I added hastily.
Nan nodded her head sharply once, telling me I’d done the right thing in correcting myself. If I hadn’t, she would have—and as awesome as Nan was to have as a grandmother, I doubted I would’ve liked what she had to say. Right now, she wasn’t Nan, she was Bessie Gawama, kick-ass council foreperson whose advanced age didn’t diminish her power in the least.
Nan resumed her orders. “Marla, Shawna, and Luanne, you’ll investigate the crimes until they’re resolved. Marla will take lead.”
“Wait,” I said. “Crimes?”
“Yep. I’ve got one of my senses about it. Jadine’s Spanx is just the start.”
“What about … work?” I asked hesitantly. “My kids are settled in school now. Shouldn’t I be finding a position to earn my keep?”
Nan shook her head sadly. “Marla, my girl, you’ve been gone from Gales Haven too long. In this town, we all step up to do what’s needed. And right now, I need you to solve crimes. My magic’s telling me that, and Jelly’s magic is telling us that. We need you to put on your detective’s hat and get to it.”
I mimed putting on a hat and clicked the heels of my Converse together. “Yes, ma’am. I’m on the case of the missing Spanx. I’m about to take a bite out of crime.”
No one, not even Mindy, perhaps especially not Mindy, appreciated my
humor.
“This is serious,” Jadine scolded me. “My Spanx are important to me.”
I swallowed a monstrous groan and offered Jadine what I hoped would pass as a quasi-professional smile. “If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.” And I even half meant it.
With a hand to her back, where I thought I could feel the slight outline of the Spanx beneath, I pointed her toward the doors. “Lead me to the scene of the crime.” I swallowed a giggle, and when she spun around to look at me, I forced my face into an impassive mask.
Dang, this was going to be a challenge.
Luanne and Shawna started making their way down the aisle behind us when Nan called out, “Oh! And find Wanda. For some reason, she’s a part of this too.”
“I’m also coming,” Mindy announced, and then I did groan. What was I, a ringmaster?
“You’d better not be dismissing my Spanx as unimportant again,” Jadine threatened.
“I’m not. I was groaning at the hedgehog. She says she’s coming with.”
“That’s good. The more help we have, the greater chance we’ll have to find my missing Spanx before I run out of clean ones.”
“You’ll still have to buy more,” I said, pointing out logic. “Unless you plan on wearing crotchless Spanx once we get them back.”
“Waste not, want not. I’m not about to go buy a whole new set when all they’re missing is the crotch. I’ve got no flabby issues going on down there.”
“Oh-kay, then. Good to know.” And by that I meant, not good to know.
Before Jadine could utter another word, I ushered her, my two sex-crazed aunts, and the tiny talking hedgehog out the double doors, wishing I could get a do-over and my return to town could actually be normal. I wouldn’t be picky, just a bit ordinary would be fine. But this...?
I shook my head at my musings.
“What?” Aunt Shawna asked.
“Nothing.”
“No, what?”
I sighed. “I was just thinking how crazy things have gotten and wishing for a do-over.”
Luanne laughed. “Girl, we don’t get do-overs in this life. You just gotta embrace the crazy and roll with it.”
“She’s right,” Shawna said. “The sooner you start embracing the crazy, the sooner you’ll start having fun.”
“Well, then, bring on the fun, because crazy’s already reached the station.”
Luanne clapped, a clump of bracelets jingling along both arms. “That’s the attitude.”
“So where will we find Wanda?” I asked.
“She’s probably at the shop,” Shawna said.
“Which shop?”
Shawna and Luanne shared a grin, and I knew more trouble was coming.
“Why, the Cock, Coffee, and Cocoa Café of course,” Shawna said, and Luanne hooted.
Of course, I thought. I wasn’t even surprised anymore.
Maybe we’d find a masked criminal draped in mutilated Spanx there too.
After all, we were in Gales Haven, where the strange and bizarre happened on a daily basis. And I was on a roll.
Chapter Five
The town hall was located prominently on Magical Main Street, occupying a sizable parcel of land, which used to be maintained by Grandpa Oscar. I assumed now that maintaining the flower gardens, grass, and trees that surrounded the hall was Quade’s job.
Wanda’s Cock, Coffee, and Cocoa Café was also in uptown. In a village the size of Gales Haven, nothing was that far away. Even so, our progress was painfully slow, and though I was in no great hurry to get to solving the Mad Spanx Caper—other than to get it over with—the speed of our advancement was grinding on my last nerve.
Huffing loudly, I spun to a stop, crossing my arms over my chest as I stared down at the diminutive hedgehog, thumping my foot in impatience. “Mindy. This isn’t working. You’ve got to let me give you a lift.”
“I already told you. I don’t need your help.” She was out of breath from waddling as fast as she could. She wasn’t a slow creature. I could tell she was moving rapidly for a hedgehog, but her legs weren’t even as tall as my pinky finger. There was only so fast she could go when her stride was miniature-sized compared to ours.
I felt Jadine, Luanne, and Shawna stop behind me as I continued my attempts to persuade the most stubborn creature I might have ever met.
“I’m not saying you’re some sort of useless invalid. You’re just smaller than us, nothing wrong with that.”
“You got that right, there’s”—she had to pause to suck in breath—“nothing wrong with that.”
“So now that we’ve got that settled, just let me give you a hand, literally. You can ride in the open palm of my hand. I won’t even touch you.”
“Uh,” Jadine said from behind me, peering over my shoulder. “I’m pretty sure you will be touching her if she’s sitting in your hand.”
I rolled my eyes with abandon, free in the fact that Jadine couldn’t see my face and Mindy was too focused on the path ahead to notice. Every groove in the tiled sidewalk was a potential obstacle for her.
“I mean, I won’t be petting her or anything weird like that. She’ll be riding with her dignity intact is all I’m saying.”
Mindy huffed, I didn’t know if at me or if she was just trying to catch her breath. “There’s nothing dignified about being carried around like I’m some baby. I’m a magical creature, you know. I’m no less important in this magical community than you are just because you’re monstrously large.”
“So I’m not supposed to take offense to you calling me monstrous, but you’re gonna take offense to me offering you a ride so it doesn’t take us one million hours to make it to Wanda’s shop?”
“I didn’t offer you a ride, did I?” she snapped. “I have better manners than that.”
Groaning loudly, I went to run a hand through my hair, remembered I practically had a bird nest perched on top of my head, and dropped my hand to my side.
“Come on, Mindy. I’m not trying to fight here. I just want to get this over with so I can get on with my life.”
“Oh?” Jadine piped up from behind me. “You have something more important to do than solve crimes for the town? You heard Bessie. This is your new job.”
“I sure did listen to Nan, and she didn’t say this was my new job.”
“She kinda did, actually,” Shawna added, and when I spun to face her, she just shrugged, and added, “You know your grandmother. Once she gets her feelings about things, she’s unlikely to change her mind.”
Beside her, Luanne nodded. The two sisters looked so much alike with their flaming red hair, soft faces, and easy smiles. “When Mom gets one of her senses,” Luanne said, “she never changes her mind. Like ever. Face it, Marls, you’ve got a brand spanking new job.”
“Or should you say, brand Spanxing?” Shawna suggested, and the sisters dissolved into deep belly laughs.
Jadine narrowed her eyes at them, making her appear suddenly menacing. “Are you making fun of my Spanx right now? Because if you are…”
Her unspoken threat hung in the air. Even so, Luanne and Shawna kept right on laughing.
“We sure are,” Aunt Luanne said as she caught her breath. “Surely even you can see the humor in the situation. Of all the things that could’ve been stolen from your house.”
“Spanx,” Aunt Shawna chimed in, and she and Luanne cracked up again. “We should share this one with the Gales Haven News. They’ll want to know all about Marla’s first mystery.”
Jadine leaned toward them. “You wouldn’t dare.”
My crazy aunts straightened. Shawna swiped at a tear she’d been laughing so hard. “We weren’t saying it to be mean, Jadine—promise. It’s just funny is all. Besides, don’t you think everyone will want to know about the injustice done to you?”
“Hunh,” Jadine said. “Maybe. It is pretty unjust that a woman should not only have to worry about her curves, but also worry about the Spanx she spent good money on going missing.”
&
nbsp; Luanne wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling Jadine toward her. “You don’t have to worry about your curves. As I see it, you’re just choosing to.”
“I just wish I could flatten out some of them.”
Shawna shrugged. “Does it really matter all that much? There’s lots more to life than worrying about how we look.”
“That’s easy for you to say. The Gawama women are all pretty. It runs in the family. You all have amazing knockers, and you’re curvy in just the right way.”
I stared at Jadine. She sounded completely earnest, like she really tortured herself with comparisons between herself and other women in town.
Meanwhile, I’d never once thought myself lucky for inheriting the Gawama signature curves. For one, big boobs got in the way all the time. They made my back ache, and I had to wear industrial strength sports bras when I ran just to keep the girls from knocking me out. Growing up, and well into my twenties, I’d wished to be long and lanky. I dreamed of being willowy, probably since it was the one thing completely out of my reach. As a Gawama, willowy was an impossibility.
Aunt Luanne squeezed Jadine’s shoulder and leaned into her, as if their proximity could force Jadine to take her wisdom. “I’ve got a few years on you.” And by “a few,” Luanne meant a couple of decades. “Listen to me when I tell you, you’re just gonna regret it later on if you don’t learn to love yourself just the way you are. It’s no good to always live your life out in the future.”
“She’s right.” Aunt Shawna was somber for once. “Trust us on this one. If you wait to be happy till you think you’re perfect, you’ll never be happy.”
“True perfection doesn’t exist, hun,” Aunt Luanne added. “We’re all perfectly imperfect. It’s just the way it is.”
Shawna squeezed her other arm. “Besides, if you really are husband hunting, you want your future man to see you confident in yourself, and you want him to like you for who you are.”
“That’s true,” Luanne said. “Men love them a confident woman. You can take our word on that one.”
Jadine was turning her face back and forth between my two sexed-up aunts as they dispensed their advice. Meanwhile Mindy had almost caught up, but not quite. It was going to be a looooong day.