by Lucia Ashta
“You two do get more men than anyone else I know,” Jadine commented.
“And you know how we do it?” Luanne asked while I debated whether I could just scoop Mindy up and run with her toward Wanda’s place, if only to avoid whatever my aunts were about to say.
I decided Mindy would bite me or poke me. If she didn’t do that, she’d probably find another way to make my life miserable, what with her ability to place her little magical creature spies just about anywhere.
Luanne took a step away from Jadine to run her hands along her sides, emphasizing her hourglass figure and drawing the looks of a few passersby. “Shaw and I love our bodies. And our guys love that we love ourselves.”
“And we teach them how we want to be loved,” Shawna added, and I silently willed Mindy to pick up the pace, though the poor little hedgehog couldn’t.
Shawna ran her hands along the length of her body just as her sister had, then swayed suggestively in her long hippie skirt. “You act like you’re sex on a stick, and that’s exactly how men are gonna see you. Love yourself, and they won’t be able to help themselves from loving you.”
“That’s right,” Luanne echoed.
I was pretty sure that advice was overly simplified, and not at all guaranteed to work in Jadine’s case, but hey, what did I know? My aunts’ love lives were never-ending sagas. Mine was a picture book, and no, not those kinds of pictures. The boring kind. Marla likes the color red. Marla’s hair is red. Marla’s hair is wild. That kind, the books you read to three-year-olds until you’re ready to poke your eyeballs out you’re so bored.
Jadine nodded. “Okay, okay. I can get on board with this. But I still need my Spanx. They make my caboose look amazeballs, and my booty’s my best feature.”
I glanced over my shoulder at them just in time to catch my aunts sharing a look, the kind that said they had lots more work to do on their current subject. Knowing them, they wouldn’t let up until they convinced Jadine Lolly she was the hottest thing in all of Gales Haven—without the Spanx.
Mindy sank to her haunches at my feet and craned her neck all the way back to look at me. “I won’t ride in your hand—”
“Seriously, Mindy? Are you that proud? You’re an amazing hedgehog, but you’re small. If you’re going to help us with this case, then we can’t spend all day waiting—”
“What I was about to say before you opened your mouth”—she paused while I fought the urge to squirm under her diminutive squinty-eyed stare—“is that I’ll ride on your shoulder. Like an equal.”
“Fine. Great.” I smiled tightly. At that point, I would’ve let her ride on the top of my bird’s nest of hair if she’d wanted to.
Extending a hand to lift her up to my shoulder, she shouted, “What are you doing?” Though her voice was tiny, there was no mistaking her shock.
“Um.” I held my hand out to her. “I’m going to help you onto my shoulder?” Wasn’t that the thoughtful, efficient thing to do?
“You will do no such thing!”
“Uh, okay.” I looked around, noticing the attention of my three other obligatory companions on this mad caper, and I was using mad in the insane sense of the word. “How are you going to get onto my shoulder then?”
By way of answering, Mindy harrumphed and began to climb. By the time she got to my shin, she was scrabbling for purchase. I was worried she’d fall and poke holes in my favorite leggings.
When she got to my knee, she had to tip upside down like a rock climber.
I realized she was going to fall a moment before she did. But I didn’t manage to do anything to help her. There was no easy place to grab onto her. She was all stabby quills on the outside. Besides, she’d probably murder me in my sleep if I interfered and somehow injured her pride.
Her paws lost their grip and she fell, her tiny legs swimming aimlessly until she landed with a tinny oomph.
The four of us witches swept down to her level.
“Ohmygod, Mindy. Are you okay?” I asked.
When I didn’t relay her reply within a total of two seconds, Luanne urged, “Well? Is she okay or not? That was a pretty nasty tumble for her.”
“Mindy?” I tried again.
Mindy lay with her eyes closed and her legs in the air. She hadn’t even curled into a defensive ball.
“Is she breathing?” Jadine asked.
We stared at her little underbelly, but I couldn’t tell.
“Do something,” Shawna told me.
“Me? What can I do?”
“You’re the detective.”
My life was officially insane. I was no detective!
Luanne crossed her index fingers in the air in front of her, pumping them up and down. “Do CPR or something.”
“You want me to do mouth-to-mouth on a hedgehog? Please tell me you aren’t serious.”
From the furrowed brows, wide puppy-dog eyes, and down-turned mouths, it was apparent they were very serious.
“How would I even do that?” I pointed my lips like I was going to whistle. “Like this?” I breathed out tiny puffs of air, sure they’d see how absurd the notion was.
Shawna smiled in relief. “Good, yes! Just like that.”
“I can’t—”
But no one cared what I was about to say. Frantically, they pointed and gestured at Mindy, who still didn’t seem to be breathing, but I wasn’t sure. She was so small.
Then I remembered she had tons of kids. If I didn’t save her, George would have to raise them, and George was, well … let’s just say he was no Mindy.
I pushed up my sleeves, got on my knees, and leaned over her, crossing my index fingers over each other just as Luanne had. “Where’s a hedgehog’s heart? Do you figure it’s where ours is?”
“Must be.” Jadine nodded fervently, her eyes shiny as they shot from me to my patient and back again. “Just hurry.”
She was right. Biting my lip, I pressed the pads of my fingers to the middle of Mindy’s chest and pumped. Her chest was soft and warm, making her seem so fragile. I pumped a few times, then lowered my face to hers. “Here goes nothing,” I muttered, hoping she wasn’t like a dog who sniffed butts and poop.
With my lips inches from hers, her eyes popped open.
I froze as they grew impossibly wide.
“What are you doing?” she accused. “Were you about to kiss me?”
“Um, no. Obviously not. I was trying to save your life.”
“Hmmmmhmmmm,” she said in a way that told me she didn’t believe me one bit.
“Seriously. You weren’t breathing.”
Aunt Luanne, Aunt Shawna, and Jadine nodded.
“You really weren’t,” Aunt Shawna said.
“‘Course I was,” Mindy said, before adding to me, “Do you mind?”
I backed right the hell up.
Mindy cycled her legs a few times, then popped right-side up. “Hold out your arm.”
I did.
“No, not like that. Lean it against your knee.”
When I positioned my body to her satisfaction, she resumed her climb. I didn’t dare move, even as she trash talked all the way up to my shoulder.
“See,” she said like she hadn’t almost died. “All you needed to do was kneel for me. Why didn’t you think of that? You’re supposed to be the smart detective here.”
I rolled my eyes so hard my eyeballs ached from the effort, but I didn’t respond. What would be the point? The tiny dictator believed what she wanted to believe.
When she reached my shoulder, she dug her tiny claws in until I could feel them through my sweater. She was definitely going to snag it.
“Well?” she announced. “What are you waiting for? I thought you were in some big hurry.”
Wondering how long it would take for the mini creature to drive me fully crazy, I set off toward Wanda’s.
“I can’t wait to tell George how you tried to kiss me,” she commented. “He always does say how irresistible I am. He’s gonna love this.”
“I�
��ll just bet he is,” I said absently, wondering if there was any way I could resign from the two jobs I had. I hadn’t asked to be an animal interpreter or to be a detective. Surely there was some sort of rescind clause, I thought hopefully.
But I already knew how it worked in Gales Haven. A witch had no say in what magic she developed. And what Bessie Gawama said, went.
I hadn’t asked for the assignments, but I was stuck with them both nonetheless.
Chapter Six
“Wanda’s shop is my favorite,” Aunt Luanne told me as she pulled open the door and breezed inside, Aunt Shawna right behind her.
“I’m not sure that bodes well,” I mumbled, fully aware of the occasional crudeness of my childhood friend’s sense of humor. Besides, what else would a Cock, Coffee, and Cocoa Café be about other than cock, coffee, and cocoa?
“Your aunts are a hoot,” Jadine said, sweeping past me and into the establishment, doing little to allay my unease.
When I stood there staring at the now closed door for a moment, and the words etched across it with magic, glittering and shining brightly, Mindy said, “What are you afraid of? The cock, the coffee, or the cocoa?”
I snort-choked. “I’m not afraid of any of them.”
“Then why are you just standing here? You had your panties in a knot you were in such a hurry to get here, and now you’re paralyzed with fear.”
“I am not.” Then I shut my mouth. Again, what was the point? I swung the door open so hard, I slammed it into my other shoulder, the one the tiny tyrant didn’t occupy. Swallowing a grunt lest I give her more fodder to taunt me about imagined weaknesses, I swept into the café while telling her, “And my panties were so not in a knot. I don’t even usually wear panties. I prefer to go commando.”
The door swung shut behind me in a hushed silence that could only mean one thing.
Of course everyone had heard me. What else should I expect to happen on a day like this one?
I smiled tightly and searched for my aunts and Jadine. I found Quade instead.
His whiskey eyes twinkled with amusement. “It’s nice to see you, Marla.”
I tilted my chin high. Okay, so everyone in the shop, which was very busy, knew I wasn’t wearing undies. So sue me. No biggie. It wasn’t like I wasn’t wearing pants.
“It’s nice to see you too, Quade,” I said, mature as can be.
“Good way to cover up your discomfort,” Mindy told me. “I’m sure he already forgot about your panty situation with that great howdy-doody you gave him.”
I did my best to ignore her. Too bad I was wearing the hedgehog.
“What are you up to?” Quade asked me while cradling a tall steaming mug.
“Oh, the usual. You know, playing pet detective, almost literally.”
“What?” He looked very confused. Welcome to the club. So was I.
“Nan says I’m to be the new town detective. Apparently, I get zero choice in the matter. And I have a hedgehog on my shoulder who won’t stop telling me what to do.”
I smiled tightly. I must look like a maniac. At least the outside was matching the inside.
“Also,” I forged ahead, “I have my first case. Jadine thinks a leprechaun is stealing her Spanx and then cutting the crotches out just to mess with her. So, despite the fact that I’d rather be doing just about anything else, I’m here to pick up Wanda, because Nan says she needs to be on the case too, and then we’re going to go find a leprechaun and force him to hand over the crotchless Spanx.”
Quade blinked at me. I blinked back. Yup, I was letting all the crazy hang right on out there.
“So, how’s your morning been?” I asked with a Looney Tunes smile spread across my face. If I was going to have to say shit like that, I was gonna own it.
“Oh, you know.” His blank stare morphed into a mischievous grin that blinded me to everything but him for a few moments. “Nothing too exciting. Got Harlow to school. Picking up a cup of coffee before I head over to the library. I’m going to be working on the landscaping there for a bit.”
“I see.” The tension eased from my shoulders until Mindy tightened her grip on me, and I clenched all over again, hoping she hadn’t snagged my sweater yet. It was purple with sparkly silver threads woven in. It was soft and fuzzy and it was flattering to my figure. I loved it.
“So your forest magic is still going strong?” I asked Quade.
“It is.” His eyes twinkled, and this time I knew it was due to his love of nature. He adored everything that grew from the earth. “I’ve fine-tuned my magic a lot since you’ve been gone. I’d love to show you what I can do sometime.”
“That sounds great. Once I finish solving this caper?” I tried to keep a straight face. I failed.
He chuckled. “Absolutely. In the meantime, I’ll do what I can to forget about your panty-less comment.”
Our gazes met and heated. He obviously had no intention of forgetting about my comment. Quite the contrary.
“I can probably get out of my detective duties right now,” I half-joked.
He laughed, the gold of his whiskey eyes flashing. “Well, if you can, you know where to find me. But somehow I doubt you’re going to be getting off that easy…”
“Yeah, I doubt that too,” I muttered miserably. The panty-less part of me was fully on board with the idea of playing hooky, however.
He moved closer and leaned toward my free shoulder, whispering, “I can’t wait to have some time to catch up with you.”
His words weren’t particularly romantic. But the heat of his breath made a warm shiver race across my body. The memories of what time alone with him was like made me flush all over.
“I can’t wait either,” I said.
He placed a feathery kiss on my cheek and disappeared through the door.
“Wow,” Mindy said. “Way to play it cool.”
“What do you mean?” I thought I had been pretty cool considering I’d announced to the whole establishment what my choice in underwear was.
“You were all breathy like, ‘Ooh, oooh, Quade. Do me now.’”
“Wait, what?” I tried to look down at her, but she was too close to my face for me to focus properly.
“You heard me.”
“I was so not like that. And where did you learn to talk like that anyway?”
She shook her head. Or I thought she did anyway. She was blurry.
“I told you, I can go anywhere, overhear anything. I know more about the people in this town—and how they talk—than you probably want to know.”
“There’s no probably there. I definitely don’t want to know what most people in this town get up to.”
“I don’t blame you. They do some freaky stuff when they think no one’s looking.”
I waited for her to continue. When she didn’t, I couldn’t help myself. “What kind of freaky stuff?” Blame my curiosity, not me. She couldn’t dangle that carrot and not expect me to chomp down on it.
“Oh, you wouldn’t believe. You know Darnell Adams?”
“Of course I do. What about him? What’s he do?”
“Marla!”
Wanda’s voice cut across the café, drawing my attention to my wild, dark-haired friend behind the counter.
“Hey, Wanda.” I smiled and set off in her direction. “We’re going to have to table this gossip-fest,” I whispered to the tiny shoulder-rider. “I want to know what Darnell does.”
“I might not be in the mood to tell you later,” she said, sounding petulant.
“You, moody? Nah.”
“Are you making fun of me?”
“Oops. No time to talk. Wanda’s waiting for me.”
I could feel her stare on my face as if it were a tattoo gun. I ignored her and opened my arms to hug my friend.
“Hey, girl,” Wanda said, careful not to squish Mindy as we embraced. “What are you up to? This is quite the posse you’re hanging with. Are you looking to get into trouble?”
“Why?” I chortled. “‘Cause you wan
t to join in?”
She laughed with me. “You still know me.” She glanced at Mindy. “Seriously though, what are you up to?”
“I’ll get to that. First, let me check out your place. You run it all by yourself?”
Wanda beamed. “Yep. I have people who help me cover the shopfront of course, but as far as making all the big decisions, it’s all me.”
Scanning the place, I took in the glowing candles positioned across most surfaces, lending the large open room a warm ambiance. Like all candles affected by magic, they appeared to burn continuously without melting down the wax. Light wood paneling surfaced the walls, and overstuffed armchairs of different colors dotted the room amid small round tables and an eclectic collection of chairs and art—mostly nude paintings a la Gustav Klimt. No one thing matched the other. It was exactly as I imagined Wanda would be if she were a room.
“I love it,” I breathed.
Shelves lined the longest wall, filled with all sorts of books, small and large. Figurines of roosters hung from the ceiling. Made from wood, ceramic, fiber, straw—every variety of material—there were dozens of them. Some were painted, some were plain, but every single one of the ornaments dangling from the ceiling was a rooster.
A cock.
“I finally get it,” I said. “When I first saw the name of the place…”
“Your mind went right to dirty thoughts.” Wanda sounded quite happy of the fact as I nodded. “That’s exactly what I was going for!”
“You wanted people to think: ‘Come have coffee or cocoa in my sex toy shop?’” That seemed a bit much, even for Wanda.
“Of course I did! Sex sells, even in Gales Haven.”
“But you’re not really selling sex, right? Of any kind?” With Wanda, it was worth triple checking. She was right, I knew her too well…
“No, of course not.” She waved a dismissive hand around her shop.
Luanne, Shawna, and Jadine were at the bar ordering some drinks. I heard the faint cha-ching ring out, indicating that their purchases were being recorded in the ether by the commercial ledger that kept tally of all the residents’ purchases.