by Lucia Ashta
“Out here, it’s all legit,” Wanda added.
I stared at her. She was practically bouncing she wanted me to ask so much.
I debated whether to string it out and torture my friend. But I figured I owed her. I’d been gone for a very long time. I’d effectively left her too.
“What about not ‘out here’?” I asked, and her lips pulled into a smile so wide, I could see her gums—top and bottom.
“Well, you didn’t think I’d have a boring shop, did you?”
“I don’t think it’s boring at all. I think it’s lovely. I want to hang out here all day. Honestly, I’d live here if you’d let me.”
“And give up Jowelle’s cooking? I don’t think so. I might be good, but I’m not Jowelle good. No one is, except for maybe Bab. Though I do hold my own in the quiche department especially. My quiches are to die for.”
“Well, I hope no one does die over them, or Nan will put me on the job.”
Wanda raised her dark, perfectly arched eyebrows in question.
“She says I’m the next town detective.”
Mindy chuffed atop my shoulder, like I couldn’t possibly be good at the job. Though I probably agreed with her, I proceeded to ignore her fresh reminder that I had a tiny critter on my shoulder.
“What do we need a detective for?” Wanda asked, ignoring Mindy too.
I sighed. “Stolen Spanx. It’s a long story. Don’t make me tell it.”
“Oh, I will. You can’t tell me that and then not tell me the rest.”
“Okay, well then, I’ll tell you as we go. According to Nan and Jelly Frumpers, you’re supposed to help me solve this mad caper. We need to find a leprechaun. Maybe.”
She barked a laugh.
When I looked properly miserable, she said, “Oh, you’re serious.”
“Unfortunately.”
“Leonie,” Wanda hollered, unmindful of her customers. None of them seemed to care. The atmosphere was relaxed and friendly.
I hadn’t spotted Leonie, and yet she materialized out of somewhere, wearing a flour-dusted apron and her usual creepy pigtails that moved like they were snakes attached to her head.
“What’s up, boss?” Leonie asked while I worked very hard to keep my attention on her face and not her hair.
Wanda asked her, “Can you cover for a bit while I go help Marla? She’s on official council business and they need me.”
Wow, Wanda made it sound so much more important than it was. She always did know how to spin a story.
“Absolutely,” Leonie said while the dozens of braids surrounding her head undulated hypnotically.
“You’re okay covering the back room too?” Wanda asked.
“Of course. I’ve got it all covered. Is that what Luanne and Shawna are here for? The back room?”
Suspicion tugged at my toes. “What’s in the back room?” I totally didn’t want to know, and yet I totally did.
“I want to know too,” Mindy said. “I’ve never been able to get back there or to confirm the rumors were true.”
“What rumors?” I asked her.
“What do you mean, what rumors?” Wanda asked.
“I was talking to Mindy. The hedgehog,” I deadpanned, because none of this was weird, right?
“Oh.”
“So … what’s in the back room?” I pressed.
Wanda giggled. “What do you think your aunts might be interested in?”
I groaned. “Maybe I don’t want to know.”
Leonie beamed at her boss. “The Cock, Coffee, and Cocoa Café offers the best selection of sex toys in all of Gales Haven.”
Wanda smiled at her employee fondly. “We also happen to offer the only selection of sex toys in Gales Haven.”
I looked at the both of them, then at my aunts, who did appear to be shooting sketchy glances at a door in the back corner I hadn’t noticed before.
It was painted a scarlet red, with a gradient of gold glitter beginning at the bottom and fading as it reached the top.
If ever there was to be a door to a magical backroom sex toy shop, this was it. It didn’t need lettering to announce its purpose.
Aunt Shawna and Aunt Luanne were giggling together, and it looked like they were pulling Jadine into the mix. Before I could be indirectly responsible for whatever they were telling Jadine, I snapped my attention to Wanda.
“So are you in or are you out? Because I have to get my aunts out of here before they try to walk through that door.”
“It’s trippy through there,” Leonie said.
“Trippy?” I asked, utterly confused. “How can sex toys be trippy?”
“Oh,” Wanda said. “You didn’t actually think I’d have a kink shop, did you? There are no wall displays of dildos or vibrators to be found, my friend. I’m talking spells and enchanted objects, obvi.”
“Obvi,” I parroted, wondering if perhaps I was dreaming. That would explain a whole heck of a lot.
“You definitely should check it out,” Leonie said, braids flapping around excitedly.
“I’ll take a rain check.” Rain checks never had to be cashed, after all, not unless curiosity got the best of me.
“You got it, my friend.” Wanda rubbed her hands together excitedly. “I’m so ready for an adventure. Life got a little boring without you here.”
“Well, I somehow doubt there’s gonna be a boring thing about our caper solving.”
“Awesome.” She grinned those gums at me again. “So, what are we looking for?”
“Not sure yet. Maybe a leprechaun wearing crotchless Spanx?”
“Got it. See ya, Leonie. Bye, everyone,” she called over her shoulder as she walked toward the front door.
Only Wanda Woodles could take a possible leprechaun wearing pilfered Spanx in stride. That’s why she used to be my bestie. I was hoping she’d want to fill the role again.
Chapter Seven
“Well, this is anticlimactic,” Jadine commented to Aunt Luanne, Aunt Shawna, Wanda, and me, and even though she couldn’t talk back, perhaps also to Mindy, who scampered off my shoulder the moment we arrived at Jadine’s small bungalow. The hedgehog definitely nicked my sweater on the way down, yanking out some of the awesome sparkly purple yarn so that one sleeve was now sporting the polka-dot effect. I tried hard not to hold it against the tiny creature but failed.
“I figured you’d be detecting,” Jadine added, and this time her comment was directed solely at me.
I shrugged. “Hey, I’m not the one who decided I should be a detective. I’m wholly unqualified to fill the position.”
“Not if Bessie said so.”
I smiled tightly. “Of course.” Because Nan said I was to detect, I was stuck with the role whether I liked it or not.
Sitting back in my chair around Jadine’s round dining table, I studied her kitchen. It was homey and clearly well used. Cheerful paint brightened up the space, and fresh flowers gave it a crisp, floral scent.
“Do you have anything extra to add to our tea?” Luanne asked.
Gales Haven being the friendly place that it was, Jadine had offered us all tea—even the hedgehog, who declined via my interpreting—the moment we walked through her front door. And Gales Haven being the magical, easygoing place that it was, Aunt Luanne didn’t have to specify what she meant. We all knew, probably even the hedgehog.
I cleared my throat. “Um, Aunt Luanne, don’t you think we should keep a clear head for this caper-solving business?”
“Um, no,” she said right away.
I waited for more explanation. None came.
I leaned forward on my elbows, nestling my teacup between the palms of my hands. “If you get happy”—I gave her a meaningful look as I referenced Mabel’s Happy Times—“it will be more difficult to think straight.”
No one said anything, though Jadine did get up and start opening cabinets, pulling out small dropper bottles.
I tried again. “We need to keep a rational mind.”
Luanne tsked. “Since when has a rational m
ind helped a damn thing? We’re in Gales Haven. Have you forgotten how nutty things can get around here?”
“Nope. I definitely haven’t.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“Aunt Luanne, are you serious right now? I’m a mad caper detective, and I’m sussing out a leprechaun. Who’s possibly stealing and mutilating Spanx.”
Enough said, am I right?
“You just proved my point,” she said. “There’s nothing normal about what’s going down. So why should we be normal? Shouldn’t we make ourselves as un-normal as the caper we’re trying to solve, so we’re at the same vibration of it?”
I chuckled despite myself as Jadine returned to the table and deposited five violet glass dropper bottles on the table in front of her.
I said, “Aunt Luanne, there’s no danger of you ever being normal, even without Happy Times.”
“Marls, I’m not talking about Happy Times.” Everyone but me and Mindy laughed. “You don’t put Happy Times in tea, silly goose.”
“You’ve been gone a long time,” Aunt Shawna said. “Mabel’s come up with all sorts of other concoctions that are milder than Happy Times so you can use them throughout the day. You know, when you still need to get stuff done.”
Jadine was nodding. “She’s right skilled, that Mabel, and we need all the help we can get to solve this crime. And we need to get moving before the trail grows cold.”
“The Spanx trail,” I deadpanned.
She nodded eagerly some more.
“Right.” I forced a smile. When faced with so much crazy, perhaps Aunt Luanne was right and rolling with it was the only way to go.
After all, it wasn’t like lives were at stake here. We were talking Spanx, not the barrier spell now. Nan and her team were dealing with Delise’s magic, not me, so what was I worried about? Worst case scenario, Jadine lost out on a few Spanx. She’d live. We all would.
“Okay,” I said, starting to see my crazy aunts’ side of things. “What have you got?”
Jadine held up the first little bottle and Mindy climbed up to the back of a chair to get a better look.
Jadine pointed at her with the bottle. “Go no further. No animals are allowed on my eating table.”
Mindy growled.
“Did she just growl at me?” Jadine asked.
“Yep. She doesn’t like to be called an animal.”
“Then what on earth does she want to be called?”
I shrugged. “A magical creature. It’s a fair description. I mean, she can talk.”
“Right.” Jadine gave Mindy a wary side-eye before returning her attention to the bottle in her hand. “This one’s called Smile, Child.” She put that bottle down to pick up another. “This one’s Groovy Moves. I really like this one.” Again, she exchanged bottles. “This one’s Sleep Without a Peep. Yeah, not this one. How about Let Loose or Think No More? These both sound just about right for what you’re looking for, Luanne.”
Jadine waved around both violet bottles, the late morning sunshine filtering in through the windows of her kitchen to make the color of the glass deep, rich, and mesmerizing. Forget the contents, I wanted the bottles.
Luanne reached for them. “I’ll take both.”
“Me too,” Shawna said.
“Really?” I scrunched up my face with dubiousness. “You both are already loose.” I paused to listen to what I’d said. I hadn’t meant it that way, but the description still fit. “And I really do need you to help me think. I haven’t the first clue about how to be a detective.”
Mindy chuckled.
I whirled on her. “What?”
“A detective finds clues, and you don’t have any.” She laughed some more, the sound like a metal utensil tapping china.
“I didn’t ask for this job.”
Aunt Luanne sounded serious for once: “None of us get to decide our jobs. The magic decides for us. You know that. It’s no use to complain. Just suck it up, buttercup, and get on with it. I’ve got a hot date tonight I don’t wanna miss.”
She added a whole dropperful from one of the bottles to her tea while she spoke, and then passed it over to Shawna. Next she unscrewed the top from the second bottle.
They were going to do whatever they wanted, of course they were. It’s what they always did.
I said, “I have to get Clyde and Macy from school long before you have to worry about your hot date.”
“Oh, I’m not worried about it. I’m looking forward to it,” Aunt Luanne said.
“Maybe you should come by my shop to pick up a little something extra for it,” Wanda suggested. Her rich brown eyes twinkled in delight as she observed our interactions.
Luanne grinned. “That’s a great idea.”
“I think I’ll do that too,” Shawna added. “I could do with a hot date.”
“Oh-kay,” I butted in, pretending like none of all that had just gone down. “Jadine, show me where the stolen articles went missing.” I wasn’t sure how many more times I could say Spanx and keep a straight face.
Jadine popped up from her chair. I remembered Jadine quite well from my high school days. She’d been a firecracker then and I doubted that had changed. If anything, the residents of Gales Haven got wilder as they got older. I had proof all around me.
“You gals go ahead,” Aunt Shawna said. “We’ll enjoy our tea.”
“Good idea,” Aunt Luanne added. “She’s the detective anyway, not us. Hmm. This tastes so good.”
Wanda giggled and brought her own cup to her lips, staring at me over the rim. She at least hadn’t added anything to her tea.
I allowed Jadine to lead me to a laundry room off the kitchen and pretended to register everything she said as she shared inane details about her laundering habits. Nodding politely, I sipped at my tea, forcing my mind to stay focused.
When she showed me the slices of fabric that had previously constituted the crotch area of her Spanx super-high-waist undergarments, I worked hard not to appear grossed out. She kept rubbing the fabric in her fingers as she spoke, growing more agitated, while I tried not to think about where the scraps had last been.
By the time we returned to the kitchen, Aunts Luanne and Shawna looked like they’d just had the best sex of their lives. Their wild hair was mussed, their eyes glazed and unfocused; perma-smiles tugged lazily at the corners of their lips.
Wanda looked like whatever had gone down in my absence had been funny as hell. Her mouth twitched with mirth; her eyes were bright and brimming with amusement.
I was busy wishing I’d been there to see whatever my aunts got up to instead of listening to Jadine drone on when I noticed Mindy was gone.
“Where’d she go?” I pointed to the chair back the hedgehog had last been perched on.
Luanne and Shawna shrugged while Wanda frowned. “I didn’t notice her leave, sorry. I was distracted.”
My aunts whispered something to each other and cracked up with infectious laughter.
Yeah, I would’ve been distracted too.
“She’s gotta be in the house. Mindy!” I called out.
“Actually,” Jadine said, “she could’ve gone out the flappy door.” She pointed at a pet door at the bottom of her back door that I hadn’t noticed earlier.
“Do you have pets?”
“No, but I want to be prepared in case I ever do.”
In this town, it was as good an answer as any.
I went over to the pet door and pushed on it. It gave easily. It was possible Mindy could have slipped out this way. But why would she want to? Especially without telling me first? Mindy always had something to say.
Swinging the back door open, I froze when I spotted a quill on the deck of the porch that wrapped around the back of the house. Bending down, I picked it up and examined it. It was the right size and color to be Mindy’s. But no matter how long I stared at it, I couldn’t deduce another thing. What had Nan been thinking assigning this job to me?
Then I spotted a torn scrap of black shiny fabric, par
tially shredded, a few feet away. It reminded me of satin…
“Jadine?” I called through the open door behind me. “Is this a piece of your Spanx?”
She and Wanda poked their heads out. Jadine’s eyes widened. “Dammit, it looks like it.”
“I take it you didn’t put it out here?”
“Hell no. I told you, I take mighty good care of my Spanx. It’s only fair as I expect them to take good care of me. I never dry them outside. Never. The only time they come outside is when I’m wearing ‘em.”
“Don’t tell me you’re thinking whoever took the Spanx took Mindy,” Wanda told me, expression dubious.
I rose to my feet, quill in hand. I wasn’t touching any part of Jadine’s Spanx. “I’m not sure, but maybe. I have no idea why anyone would want to take Mindy though. She’s kind of a pain in the butt.”
Wanda shook her head at me. “You only think that because she talks to you. To the rest of us, she looks cute as a button.”
“I could see that.” I pushed the hair back from my face while I thought it over. “Maybe this is just a scrap from the earlier theft and Mindy just left without telling me.”
“Nope, it’s not from earlier,” Jadine cut in. “I swept my porch just this morning. And trust me, I would’ve noticed evidence of this heinous act if it’d been here then.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I don’t think Mindy would have left without telling me anyway. Not when Nan assigned her to the task. She wants to be a representative of the magical creatures on the town council. It’d be a stupid move not to take part in the town’s issues when Nan asked her to, and in no way is Mindy stupid.”
“You think whoever stole Jadine’s Spanx came back just now, while we were all here, and stole the hedgehog?” Wanda asked, brow furrowed in incredulity.
“It seems pretty insane to think it, I agree,” I said. “But yeah, I’m considering it. It doesn’t make a lick of sense, but it could be what happened.”
“It makes sense to us,” Aunt Shawna called out from inside the house.
“Yeah,” Aunt Luanne added. “Maybe the crime dude came back to see if there were any more Spanx to steal”—Jadine gasped in affront—“ran into Mindy who was outside—”