Magical Mayhem: A Paranormal Women's Fiction Novel (Witches of Gales Haven Book 2)

by Lucia Ashta

  I leapt toward Bab, hands out. “No! Mindy isn’t a threat. She’s a victim here.”

  Bab and I turned to face Mindy, who was snarling at Bab.

  “I am not a victim,” Mindy snapped at me, making me realize she was actually snarling at me and not Bab.

  Hands up, I swept between the two females. “Fine,” I said to Mindy. “You’re not a victim. Agreed. But this leprechaun did kidnap you, am I right?”

  “That he did, the scoundrel. And he’s about to regret his actions.”

  I faced Bab, hands still up. “Bab, this is Mindy. She’s the … head of the magical creatures in Gales Haven?”

  Looking to Mindy, I waited for her nod. Maybe she had an official title among the creatures she’d rather I use, and with the way she was glaring at everyone, I didn’t want to piss her off any further.

  But calling her the head of the creatures mollified her some. She lowered her lips from her muzzle and tipped her little nose in the air.

  “You can call me the head of them,” she said. “Or their leader if you want.”

  I swallowed a chuckle at the rapid turn in her temperament. It wasn’t enough that I had to deal with all the egos in town, now I also had to deal with those of every creature with the desire to chat with me…

  “I heard about your new abilities,” Bab told me, leaning around me to stare at the magical creature. “So this is the hedgehog who can keep all the rest of them in line, huh?”

  “Yep,” I said. “She’s a fierce one.”

  Mindy preened.

  Bab nodded at the creature in acceptance. “And this leprechaun kidnapped her?”

  “Snatched her when I wasn’t looking,” I admitted.

  “She’s so tiny it doesn’t look like she can do much damage—”

  Mindy growled.

  “But her grievances against him are as important as mine, so she can join me in letting him have it.”

  Mindy nodded as I grimaced, wondering what the full extent of their punishment might be.

  Nan hadn’t told me what she expected me to do once I solved this caper. Did she want me to take the leprechaun into custody? I had no idea and hadn’t thought to ask. It wasn’t like Gales Haven had a prison or anything, at least none that I knew of.

  Certainly Nan wouldn’t want me to stand around while the little guy got a beatdown. Then again, Nan could be as fiery as Bab and Mindy put together. Maybe she’d be joining them in seeking retribution … so long as they didn’t seriously injure the bugger.

  But nobody waited for me to give direction. While I was busy pondering the correct course of action, Bab and Mindy advanced as if they’d coordinated.

  Lined up behind the sugar barrel, Bab waited for Mindy to give her a ready nod, then she yanked on the leprechaun’s leg hard enough to guarantee he’d get sugar burn from the friction—all up his private parts.

  He popped out of the sugar barrel with a howl.

  With the rolling pin at the ready in one hand, Bab held fast to the leprechaun with the other, her biceps bulging beneath her shirt. He dangled upside down in her hold, his arms and Spanx-improvised shirt over his head—which left his otherwise gangly, naked body fully on display.

  “Ow, me bollocks,” he griped, confirming that here was yet another magical creature whose speech I could understand.

  “Your bollocks have no business being in my sugar,” Bab barked.

  She could hear him too. So not thanks to my special skill set…

  “In fact,” she added, “your little bollocks have no business being anywhere in my kitchen.”

  “Me bollocks aren’t little,” the leprechaun protested in a heavy Irish lilt. “They be big as cannon balls.”

  “So long as the cannon is miniature sized.”

  “Shite. Ya don’t need ta be so mean. I do too have cannon-sized bollocks, and ya can go putting me down now.”

  Mindy jumped up toward him, snapping her tiny jaws at him. The leprechaun whipped his head around to check out this new threat, couldn’t make out a thing due to the way his attire ballooned around his face, and swiped manically at the Spanx until he could see.

  Then he chuckled.

  Without thinking, I took a step back. Dude was on his own if he was going to make fun of murderous Mindy.

  “That thing’s so tiny,” he said.

  “Yeah, like your penis,” Mindy growled.

  Bab didn’t understand what Mindy said, but the leprechaun sure did. After struggling with the Spanx by his face some more, he glared down at the hedgehog.

  “Ya’d best not be insulting me manhood.”

  “Then ya’d best not be insulting me.” Mindy even threw in a head wag, putting the depth of her attitude plumb on display.

  The leprechaun stared down at Mindy while his face grew increasingly red from the blood rushing downward. After a bit, he fought the Spanx around his head some more, then shouted, “Lemme down already.”

  “No,” Bab said.

  The little guy stopped resisting, allowed his arms to hang over his head, and sighed loudly. “Fine. Then whaddya want from me? What do I need ta do for ya to let me go already? Ya know I won’t grant yer wishes if ya be treating me like this.”

  Wishes? What wishes?

  “Me ma would have a fit if she saw me with me bollocks hanging out like this. It wouldn’t matter none that she’s been dead and gone for years. She always used ta tell me, Don’t ya ever get caught without clean knickers on. At least I’m not wearing dirty knickers, I suppose.”

  He sighed theatrically another time. But if he expected pity from either Bab or Mindy, I suspected he’d be waiting for it a long while. Mindy was still snapping at him, though even when she jumped she didn’t clear more than a foot of air.

  “And what would she think of you kidnapping a magical creature?” Mindy accused as Bab added, “How’d your momma feel about you breaking into my bakery, then? Huh? Would she approve of that?”

  “If you’re gonna hang me upside down like this, the least ye can do is not make me dizzy talking to me all at once,” he said.

  But of course, Bab couldn’t hear Mindy.

  “I’m going to have to spend the afternoon scrubbing my kitchen now that you’ve been all over it,” Bab said. “And throw out all this perfectly good sugar. I have half a mind to tie you up and let Mindy have at you until she’s had her fill.”

  “Who’s Mindy?” he asked, voice ratcheting up in alarm.

  “The hedgehog.”

  “Oh.” He laughed. “What a gobshite. Ya had me really worried for a second there.”

  Mindy growled so ferociously that the leprechaun lunged upward, trying to make a grab for his legs. He managed it and held on, casting anxious glances down at the miniature creature with an ire a hundred times her size.

  Bab hadn’t lowered the rolling pin, and the leprechaun looked between the two females like he couldn’t decide who was the greater threat.

  Getting a good look at his face for the first time, I trailed the sundry of freckles all over his light skin. His nose was slightly upturned, his eyes a bright forest green, and his hair reminiscent of the Gawama wild manes of curls.

  “What is this about wishes?” I asked. I knew far too little about leprechauns. Any exposure I’d had to them came from studying a box of Lucky Charms while sifting through to pick out the marshmallows.

  The leprechaun, whose head was beginning to drain of the excess blood, settled his face into what I’m sure he thought was a look of innocence. However, I didn’t think the creature had a speck of innocence in him; he didn’t pull it off—not even close.

  “What do ya mean, wishes? What are ya talking about, lassie?”

  Bab shook him a bit and he squeaked. “You brought up wishes. So tell Marla what she wants to know.”

  “Did I say that now? How very unusual of me. But then, I guess I shouldn’t beat myself up too hard, especially not when it looks like ye are taking turns to do it for me. I’ve never been caught with me bollocks and sa
usage hanging out. T’is hard to think straight like this. I don’t suppose ya’d put me down so we can talk about this like reasonable folk?”

  “Tell Marla what you mean by wishes and then maybe I’ll consider putting you down,” Bab said. “But don’t go thinking about making a run for it.”

  “And I want to know why you kidnapped me,” Mindy added.

  “Ah!” the leprechaun said with suspicious amounts of pep, gazing down at the hedgehog. “Yea, let’s talk about that.”

  Bab looked at me.

  “Mindy wants to know why he kidnapped her,” I told her.

  “Right,” Bab said. “That too. You can’t just go around breaking into pristine bakeries and kidnapping people—creatures, whatever.”

  “You also can’t go stealing people’s Spanx,” I told him. “You’ve caused a lot of trouble. I’ve been searching for you all day like I had nothing better to do.”

  “Spanx? What’s that?” he asked.

  I waved my hand in the general direction of his attire, trying my hardest not to notice all the round buttocks and dangly bits he had on display. “Your shirt.” I bent to remove the Spanx from where it remained pinned to Mindy’s back. “And your knapsack.” She stopped snarling and snapping while I made quick work of disconnecting her from Jadine’s compression undergarment.

  “Ah, that,” he said. “Well, ya wouldn’t go round blaming me none if ye’d had to wear obnoxious green suits for decades because ye fools imagined me dressed like a fooking happy-go-lucky eejit. With a hat and bright shiny black shoes ta boot. And the shoes be pointed! Do ya know how uncomfortable that is? The suits be itchy too. I hate them.”

  “What does the way you dress have to do with how people picture you?”

  He stared at me for a long while, clearly deliberating how much he wanted to tell me. “People are stupid. They believe all sorts of lore without bothering to ask if it be true. Worse, then they start adding on, making shite up, and before ya know it, we leprechauns end up looking like dolls instead of powerful magical creatures.”

  When he noticed I was still waiting for a proper explanation, he continued: “What people believe of us affects us. We be very magical.”

  “How?” I asked, brow furrowed. That was some nuttiness … if he was telling us the truth.

  “Dunno. It’s always been that way. So until all ya daft people start coming up with better ideas, ya can’t go blaming me none for trying to dress better.”

  I arched my brows. “In women’s underwear?”

  “I didn’t know these were knickers! How would I? They be as big as a sheet, and they be black and shiny. They’re also soft on my skin. No chafing here. Well, until this witch”—he paused to shoot a glare at Bab—“pulled me out of the sugar when I was fast asleep. Ya burnt me bits, ya know.”

  Bab grinned. “Good. You deserve it.”

  “And what about me?” Mindy pressed. “Why’d you take me against my will?”

  “Because ya had that look about ya like ya be readying to shout up a storm. I didn’t know they wouldn’t hear ya none. I couldn’t risk getting caught.” He briefly struggled in Bab’s hold, but the baker had too firm a grip, and his positioning offered him no good leverage. “Now I be fooking caught anyway.”

  “Karma,” I said.

  He scoffed. “Not bloody likely. I’m a leprechaun. Karma doesn’t affect me.”

  “But people’s imagination does?”

  He glared at me, eyes flashing green.

  Okay, then. Mental note not to antagonize the crazed-looking creature I still knew next to nothing about. Check.

  Mindy, now free of the leprechaun’s makeshift knapsack, turned to me. “Pick me up.”

  “What?” I said. She’d thrown a fit when I offered to pick her up earlier, right?

  “Pick. Me. Up.”

  “Wow, way to order me around. Why do you want me to pick you up?”

  “So I can give this creature and his flying bits a piece of my mind. Please.”

  “You’re in trouble now,” I told the leprechaun, crouching down and offering Mindy the palm of my hand.

  He eyed Mindy warily as the hedgehog scampered forward with purpose, tickling my skin with her tiny paws. She was cute as a button—if not for the vengeance scrawled all over her face.

  I raised my hand so Mindy could face off directly with her kidnapper.

  “You do not go around taking creatures against their will, do you understand me? That’s a big no-no.”

  “Damn, I really wish I could understand her right now,” Bab said. “She looks like she’s tearing him a new one, all right.”

  I didn’t bother interpreting for Bab. I didn’t want to miss a word Mindy said. Besides, Bab was getting the gist, loud and clear.

  “You say you don’t like people’s imagination affecting your life,” Mindy went on. “You don’t like something outside of you overpowering your will. Well, neither do I, mister. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am the leader of all the magical creatures who live in this village. I have big responsibilities to others. How do you think I felt not knowing why you’d kidnapped me or if you were going to hurt me? You stuffed me in a dark bag and bounced me around for ages. Then you locked me in a pantry, for crying out loud. I had no idea if I was ever going to make it back to my kids. And they need me, trust me. If I were to leave their rearing to my husband, they’d grow to be as foolish as you, walking around naked, draped in women’s undergarments. You didn’t even talk to me! You didn’t tell me what was going on, no matter how many times I asked.”

  At least the leprechaun had the grace to look sheepish. “That’s why I stuck me head in the sugar bin. I couldn’t stand to hear ya shouting at me anymore.”

  “You could have just talked to me, you know.”

  “No, I didn’t. And then I tasted the sugar. It was so good, I burrowed myself into it and fell asleep.” He studied the hedgehog. “I didn’t know ya be a mother and all. Me mum would skin me hide if she were alive and knew I took a mother from her bairns.”

  “And she’d be right for doing it too,” Mindy said. “My kids would never do something like this. I’ve taught them better.”

  The leprechaun blanched. “Me mum taught me better too. This isn’t her fault. It’s mine. I’ve been alone for too long, methinks.”

  Mindy tilted her head upward. “Well. Then make it right.”

  “How?”

  “You can start by fixing your mistakes. Apologize and work to make things right with this baker woman. And then you’ll have to do the same with Jadine. She’s the woman whose undergarments you’re wearing.”

  “I suppose I can do that.”

  “Of course you can do that. Question is, are you all bluster or do you really want to make your mom proud by fixing your mistakes?”

  His little jaw clenched beneath a mop of wild, wavy orange hair. If not for the lighter tone, his hair looked a lot like Clyde’s.

  “Don’t be giving me orders. You’re not me ma.”

  “So it’s all bluster, is it?”

  He waggled his jaw some more. “I don’t need ta explain myself to ye. Just go read the tales and make yer assumptions of me like everyone else does.”

  “I’m nothing like everyone else.”

  “Me neither,” I interjected.

  “Hmm,” he said. “That would be nice. Though I’m still hanging here, arse out.”

  “Maybe we’ll let you down if you answer our questions,” I said.

  “Or maybe not,” Bab said.

  “What’s this about wishes?” I asked.

  His eyes hardened. “Ye be just like everyone else. They always be trying to catch me just so I’ll grant them wishes. They don’t care that I’m no genie. They treat me like one.”

  “Do you know what he’s talking about?” I asked Bab.

  “Not a clue. Sounds to me like he’s just blowing hot air to distract us from his transgressions.”

  “I am not,” the leprechaun said. “I can too grant three wis
hes to anyone who catches me.”

  He pursed his lips shut while heat crawled up his face.

  “So I can make three wishes?” Bab asked.

  He flared his nostrils but didn’t say another word.

  “How do I do it?”

  “You’re not supposed ta be able to make the wishes, ‘cause nobody ever catches me. I’m fast and wily.”

  Bab snorted. “Unless you’re taking a nosedive into my sugar.”

  The leprechaun looked away, staring at a wall of shelves lined with all sorts of baking accoutrements, all in perfect order.

  Looking to Mindy and me, Bab shrugged. “Seems like I may as well give it a go. What should I wish for? I could use a new oven. One of them big stainless-steel industrial types would do me just fine.”

  “No, Bab,” I said. “You can’t. If this wish thing is real, you’ve got to use it for the town.”

  “He said I’ve got three since I caught him.”

  “Then use the first for the town, and the other two to spiffy up your shop or whatever you want to do. Remember that the council hasn’t been able to figure out how to get Delise’s magic out of the barrier spell.”

  When Bab hesitated, eyes all dreamy as she fantasized about an entire kitchen makeover, I added, “The barrier spell is the most important spell in the whole town. Without it, we aren’t safe here. No one is. For our community to continue, we need the spell at a hundred percent. What Delise did isn’t advancing anymore, but we have no idea what kind of harm it might be causing, nor if we’ll actually be able to fix it without her cooperation. When I spoke to her about it last, she didn’t even look like she knew how to undo what she’d done. What if we can’t fix the spell and Delise’s magic breaks it for good? The town will be over. We’ll all be at the mercy of the outside world.”

  “And all the meanies out there,” Mindy added, though Bab wouldn’t be able to hear her comment.

  I worried that Bab might have a selfish streak, but she put my worries to rest quickly.

  “You’re right,” she said. “The safety of this town is everything. It’s the one place where all us weirdos can be ourselves.” She nodded, convinced. “The town comes first. My kitchen second.”

  “If you’re gonna be making a wish,” the leprechaun said, “ya can’t expect me ta grant it up in the air and folded in half like I am.”