Burn Before Reading

by Sara Wolf

  "And that is?"

  "Making dinner for Dad. Checking if he's had his pills. Trying to have a conversation with him that doesn't piss him off or make him feel like shit."

  Fitz goes quiet.

  "Besides, I used to hate running. But then I went running with Burn every morning, and sort of started to like it. Even the first time I did it, when I was wheezing and in agony, he showed me something to enjoy about it. So. I think maybe he knows his stuff."

  "Or maybe he's a freakin' adrenaline junkie."

  "That too,' I laughed. “But hey - you're an actual junkie."

  He heaved a sigh. "Ugh. You can't be a junkie if it's only pot."

  "And sometimes pills."

  "Yes, thank you, how could I forget; and sometimes pills."

  I laughed. Fitz smiled wryly, looking a little more like the devious, energetic guy I was used to seeing in the halls every day. For a moment we might as well have been back there, ribbing each other with wittiness and sass.

  "Okay." Fitz breathed in, then out. "You said deep breaths."

  "Yeah. Slowly. Although, as we get higher up in elevation, you might need to breathe faster or you'll pass out."

  "Great. Cool. You're making this so much easier."

  I reached out and booped his nose. "You're welcome."

  I left Fitz to breathe and stood next to Burn as he watched the blades rotate.

  "Nervous?" He asked, his deep voice cutting through the noise without having to be raised one iota.

  "Of this? A little."

  "No, I meant Wolf."

  He nodded to Wolf, who was still talking to Jakob.

  "I'm not!" I insisted. "I'm not...nervous about him."

  "You are. Always."

  Was I really that obvious? The answer hit me; no, Burn was just really good at people stuff. Despite his few vocalizations, he was great at watching them and figuring out their deal. I was no exception.

  "Well it's not my fault," I protested. "It's a little hard to be anything but nervous when someone stares like Wolf does, like he wants to set me on fire."

  I could've sworn Burn smirked, but it was gone quickly when Jakob called out to us.

  "Alright! Get in and strap in, and we'll be off!"

  We all clambered in the open side door, four seats behind the pilot's for passengers. I chose a seat next to Burn and prayed Wolf wouldn't sit next to me, but he did. Fitz was on the end, mumbling what sounded like a prayer.

  "Here we go!" Jakob yelled, and the helicopter glided forward. It had wheels, which was clever, I realized, or else how would a helicopter get out of a barn? The rumble of the engine was deafening, and I winced. A pair of heavy plastic headphones suddenly came into my view. I turned to see Wolf offering them.

  "Thank you," I mouthed. He nodded. I put them on, the sound becoming muted. All that was left was the spectacular view as we took off, leaving the plains of grass far below us. The earth became a patchwork blanket of fall colors and crops and suburbs. The sun hung low on the horizon, golden and swollen. The sky was as blue as blue could be. The wind whistled through the cabin, teasing Wolf and Fitz's hair and ruffling Burn's shirt. It played havoc with my hair, tangling every which way, and I secretly felt bad for Wolf, since the wind kept blowing it around his face. I tried to tuck it away, but it just got free again.

  "This is your captain speaking," Jakob's voice came in loud and clear over the speakers, even with my headphones on. "I'm going to close the doors from here on out, since it gets pretty tempestuous. After that you can get out of your seats and start putting on your gear. Wolf, Burn, I expect you'll help the newcomer?"

  The doors of the helicopters slid shut, the howling wind dulling to a bare whistle. I took my head phones off and smoothed my hair back. Wolf and Burn immediately got out of their seats, rummaging around racks and cabinets in the back of the helicopter. Fitz stayed firmly in his seat, eyes shut and hands clasped together.

  "Hey," I put a hand on his shoulder. "It’s okay. We're in this together."

  Fitz looked at me, eyes so wide and damp I could've sworn he was ready to cry. It was weird, seeing him near-tears when I'd been so used to his confident, quippy self at school. I couldn't resist the urge to hug him.

  "It'll be okay! C'mon, we can do this. It'll be over before you know it."

  "One way or another," He croaked. I laughed and helped him out of his seat. I stole a glance out a window - we were definitely much higher up now. My insides danced like a conga line.

  "You get her," Burn said, pointing Wolf in my direction. "I'll get Fitz."

  Wolf nodded, and they both approached with armfuls of gear. Fitz immediately got antsy, refusing to put on anything Burn offered, but Burn eventually strong-armed him into it, with much fuss.

  "Get off me, you hairy giant!" Fitz snapped.

  "That insult doesn't work anymore," Burn said slowly. "Get a new one."

  "You....you massive douche!" Fitz tried. Burn shook his head and clipped a harness on Fitz's quivering chest. Wolf and I, however, were a bit more....strained. Okay, a lot more strained.

  "Here," Wolf offered me what looked like a pair of synthetic pants - the kind you saw clam gatherers and fishermen wear. I struggled to put them on over my uniform skirt - secretly cursing Burn for not letting me go back home and change first. Wolf slid a jacket over my shoulders, and zipped it up to my throat, his fingers pausing at the top and his eyes lingering on my chin, and - wait, I had to be hallucinating. Not my lips, right? He definitely wasn't looking at those. Did I have a bit of food there? I got paranoid, and turned my face away, rubbing at them.

  "Listen, it's not my fault they had chili and rice in the cafeteria today, okay?" I said.

  "That wasn't -" Wolf shook his head. "Whatever. Just clip the ends of the jacket to your pants."

  I did, Wolf putting his own synthetic pants and jacket on. I guess it was smart - clip your ends together so they didn't go flapping around in the wind. When Wolf was done with himself he checked my handiwork. Something about him scowling at my hips made me nervous.

  "It's too loose," He kneeled, eyes level with some very sensitive parts of me. He didn't seem to notice, though. "I said 'clip', not 'casually attach'."

  "Well exxxxccccuse me," I shot back, determined not to sound nervous as his fingers danced over the hemline of my pants. "But it's a little hard to get things right the first time if you don't elaborate with your damn words what you want from me."

  "I want you to preferably not die," He said. "How’s that sound?"

  "I could've sworn enemies were supposed to want the opposite."

  "Just because we're enemies doesn't mean I'm going to stop worrying about your safety," He growled, yanking a clip tighter. "In fact, I'm going to worry about it more, since you're my one and only enemy. A prized, rare commodity. An object of great value."

  "You sure know how to make a girl feel like a living, breathing person."

  He smirked. "I try."

  Mercifully, he stood up. He handed me a backpack that looked suspiciously like it had a parachute inside - nearly bursting at the seams. I put it on, and Wolf immediately doubled around to secure the numerous clips and buckles that hung off the front. This was no better than the hip stuff! His fingers were dangerous close to my chest, and I was the only one who apparently noticed it, or cared. Wolf's face was nothing but stone, his eyes laser focused on securing the buckles.

  "There," He said. "Take a pair of goggles from the cabinet. And a helmet. And a mask, if you want."

  "Mask?"

  "Some people don’t like the feel of gravity and the wind blowing their face around."

  "Touché." I walked over and put the goggles on. "What if a bug got in your teeth?"

  "There are no bugs this high up."

  "Fine - what if a bird got in your teeth?"

  He rolled his eyes, securing his own backpack. Fitz squirmed as Burn finished putting his backpack on, too. We all looked very orange and
very bulky.

  "We look like dorks with these goggles," I giggled. "Or, I do. Wolf still manages to make them look like a hot fashion accessory for the season."

  Wolf rolled his eyes again.

  "If you keep rolling your eyes, they're going to fall out." I said.

  "Finally," He droned. "Then I wouldn’t have to look at you, anymore."

  "Rude!" I chirped, adjusting Fitz’s lopsided goggles for him. "Do you ever think what your mom might say if she was here? She'd hear you talking and go; ‘Wow, what a rude boy. I can't believe my Wolf grew up to be such a stinker’."

  "She wouldn't say that," Wolf argued.

  "She would," Burn agreed. "She called you stinker all the time, especially when you pooped your diapers."

  Fitz and I couldn't help but burst out laughing. Wolf sighed and adjusted the straps of his backpack.

  "What-"

  "-ever!" I finished for him. Burn did that tiny, half-visible smirk again.

  "Alright," Jakob's voice came in over the intercom. "Ya'll ready back there? Let's get this show on the road. Follow Burn's lead, okay? He knows this like the back of his hand."

  Burn motioned for us to huddle together. Fitz and Wolf reluctantly put their heads in, and I followed suit.

  "We're going to go down pretty fast," Burn said. "We'll be holding hands - make sure you don't let go until I say so. You can't hear anything up there, basically, so I'm going to give a thumbs up when it's time to deploy the parachutes."

  "How do we deploy them?" I asked.

  "The big pull-tab that's hanging off your right shoulder. You just yank it, and the parachute comes out. But you can't yank it too soon while we're together, or our lines will get tangled. So Wolf will let go first, and open his parachute when we're away. You're next, Bee. Then I'll help Fitz with his, and I'll go last. That way, if someone's parachute doesn't deploy or they mess up, I can grab them and we can go down together."

  "Oh we're going down together," Fitz whispered. "Straight to hell."

  "Hush," I said. "We'll be fine."

  "You say that now, but when they open the doors -"

  The doors to the helicopter slid open just then, and the wind nearly knocked the breath out of me. The sky was a gorgeous silken tableau of puffy white clouds and porcelain blue - the ground below us seemed so distant. You could see the shadow the clouds threw on the ground, the houses so far away they looked like tiny, colorful building blocks.

  I suddenly felt like puking. Casually. Casual puking because this was really, actually happening and oh my god if it went wrong I was going to be a pancake -

  "So," Burn edged to the open door. "We jump out one at a time. Wolf will go first, then Bee, then Fitz, then I. Same order as the parachutes. Wolf and I will make our way to you two, so don't worry. Just hang tight, try to enjoy yourselves. If that's even possible."

  He looked at Fitz, who had gone completely white and completely silent at the sight of the open door. Wolf put himself closer to Fitz, not touching, but close enough it almost seemed like a touch.

  "Remember what Mom said?" Wolf asked.

  Fitz shook his head tersely, his teeth gritted and his jaw flexed with the effort of not freaking out.

  "It isn't the fall that's bad," Wolf said. "It's the landing."

  "That's not helping," I argued. To my utter surprise, Fitz straightened, his whole face relaxing as he closed his eyes. He stayed like that for a moment, and then opened them again.

  "Okay." He said. "Let's do this."

  I was so confused - Wolf's words had an effect on Fitz like no other. What exactly did that phrase mean to them? It had to be something important. Burn raised his voice again.

  "Once you deploy the parachute, it'll take you about four or five minutes to land. We'll be aiming for Jakob's property - it's got a pattern cut into the grass, so it should be pretty easy to spot."

  "Pattern?" I asked.

  "A giant JP," Wolf said. "His initials. There’s some traffic cones around it, too."

  "Wolf will be falling first, so you just follow him. You can't control the speed of the fall, but you can control the direction you fall. If you pull the same tab on your right that you pulled for the parachute, you'll angle left. If you pull the tab on the left, you'll angle right."

  "Right, left," I muttered, frantically trying to get it through my head. "Left, right. Got it."

  "Whatever you do, try to aim for open ground. Don't land on any trees. By the time your feet touch ground, you'll be going slow enough to run it out. Questions?"

  I shook my head. Fitz whimpered a little.

  "Alright, let's go." Burn motioned to the door. Wolf took the first step towards it, and I was struck by just how confident and determined his jade eyes were, so focused on the sky. Jakob shouted through the intercom.

  "First drop-off! Three, two, one - go!"

  Wolf stepped off the edge, and my heart squeezed painfully. Fitz and I scrabbled to look over the edge - there he was, falling like an orange meteor through the sky. I felt Burn pat my back.

  "You're next, Bee."

  "Oh god," I sucked in a breath. "Oh god, oh god."

  "It's okay," He said. "Just go. Wolf's down there, waiting for you."

  We were so high up. Every bone in my body screamed at me not to jump, to stay in the safety of the helicopter. I could change my mind. I could not do this. This was stupid, my instincts shouted. This was dumb as hell!

  But Wolf was doing it. My enemy was doing it. The guy who was scared to touch anyone was doing it like it was the easiest thing in the world -

  It suddenly hit me.

  "Burn," I turned to him. "We're going to hold hands, right? Wolf -"

  "We usually do this alone," Burn said. "So this will be the first time we've had to hold hands."

  "Will he be -"

  "He'll be fine." He assured me. "If it's with you, he'll be fine."

  I felt my eyebrows furrow. "What does that mean?"

  "We don't got much time, if she wants to catch up to Wolf!" Jakob called out over the intercom. "Get going!"

  "Okay," I did a little shimmy-shake out of sheer terror. "Okay. I can do this."

  "Just walk off the edge," Burn said. "Make sure your feet are straight. You fall for a while to get away from the helicopter, and then you make your body parallel to the ground."

  "Okay." I sucked in a breath so huge it hurt my lungs. "Okay!"

  "Next drop-off!" Jakob announced. "In three, two, one -"

  I couldn't do this on my own. No way. But I had Burn here, and Wolf, and Fitz, who was just as scared as I was. It would be fine. .0007 percent chance of dying. That's less than a car accident. I'd driven a car a million times -

  "Go!" Jakob shouted.

  "Shit," I hissed. "Shit shit shit -"

  I took a step off, praying to God the chopper's blades wouldn't mince me up like ground beef. The wind immediately knocked the breath I'd been holding from me, the feeling of nothing below my feet making me burst out in a heatwave of panic. My whole body felt so hot, then went frigid cold as the wind fought to get inside the synthetic pants and jacket. My organs felt like they were in my throat. Every extra bit of skin on my body rippled with the force of gravity dragging me back to earth.

  I put my feet straight for a few seconds. The wind naturally evened me out, my body now parallel to the ground. Wolf's form was getting closer, fast, and that’s when I realized just how fast we were going. He was slowing himself down, somehow, I think by making his body flat and big so the wind had more to resist. I was so scared I couldn't move, my teeth chattering as the chilly air battered my face. I squeezed my eyes shut, not ready to believe this was real. I was an idiot. I was a fucking idiot for doing this -

  I felt the warm embrace of another hand touching my own, our fingers intertwining. I opened my eyes to see Wolf at my side, a strangely serious look on his face. He nodded, and relief flooded me knowing we were touching - this wasn't so bad. Having
another person around while you fell a trillion miles a second made it not so horrific. He knew what he was doing - he'd done it a lot. I was safe, for the moment.

  With Wolf's hand in mine, I looked around. A few low-hanging clouds drifted below us, and our bodies passed through just the barest wisp of a cloudy edge. I squealed - though the sound was lost in the air - as my left elbow got damp instantly. Wolf's right arm fared the same. I never knew that's what a cloud felt like - cold and wet and yet light as cotton candy. The synthetic material did a great job of wicking the wetness away, gravity doing its part, too. We were bone dry again in no time.

  I felt the rough bump of another hand on mine, and looked to my side. Fitz, his eyes squeezed shut, reached blindly for me. I locked my hand in his, Burn on his other hand. Burn and Wolf didn't lock hands, leaving the air open, so we formed a sort of horseshoe in the sky. Burn smiled at me, or as best he could when the g-force was messing with his cheeks.

  All that was left was the sound of the wind in our ears, rushing so loud and fast it drowned out everything else. All that was left was for me to look around. Looking down seemed like a bad idea for my nerves, so I focused instead on the view towards the horizon. The lower clouds went on forever, a beautiful, velvety blanket of them stretching on into the sun. The Cascade Mountains were hulking purple beasts, craggy and dotted with early snow. I never noticed just how big the shadow they cast was - it consumed towns, entire forests. And the forests! I knew Washington had a lot of old trees, but I hadn't realized just how many! Silky and green, the pines clumped together, sharing so many thousands of years between them. If I stretched my imagination really hard I could almost smell them. The view was, to say the least, incredible. And the feeling of it all - of being so small and insignificant - was a lot like the feeling I got when Burn and I would stand on the cliff in the mornings and watch the sun kiss the world awake. I felt...unimportant. I felt light, and airy, and free. I felt like nothing mattered - not my grades, not my college future, not my awful spying on the Blackthorns - nothing. I'd done nothing wrong up here. I had no responsibilities up here - not to Dad, not to Mom, not even to myself. For a few minutes, I felt untouchable. Nothing could get me in the sky, not even my problems.