Scripted Reality: Formerly I Wanna Get Laid by Kade

by Ashton Johns

  I didn’t want to point out that the rise in Kade’s fee was purely a result of her attempt to swindle him. Reminding her of that would probably send her over the edge.

  “Not to mention the fact that I’m going to need to find a replacement dogsbody in the office.” Her head was shaking so much that I was beginning to think her weave might come undone. “Go and get that excuse for a human to put his grubby, disgusting paw print on that contract and then come back here.”

  As I went to shove back my office chair to leave, she continued, “I’ve reserved a room for him and that mutt from tonight at the Diamond Days Motel. Tomorrow morning, you’ll need to escort them to the various places for defleaing.”

  Meredith stormed off into her office, the door almost bending with the force she used to slam it.

  Kade was sitting outside, his head bobbing up and down and his fingers tapping a rhythm on his leg. He was completely content in his place and I felt bad again for dragging him into this. Meredith would pull out all the stops to get him back for what had gone down, and now I didn’t just have to protect him, I had to look out for myself.

  “Hey, here you go. I have to take it back with your signature.”

  He reached up for the paperwork and pen and looked confused when I held a pile of papers back. “What’s that? More shit she’s trying to shaft me with?”

  “No. This would be my contract.” I sighed.

  “Daisy,” he said, concerned. “Pull up a pew for a few.” He indicated the paving slab next to him. “Can I read yours?”

  It was a legal contract so I guessed someone should. I handed him the papers and he discarded his own in favor of mine. While he paid attention to the words from the witch, I gave Brody a good old pat down.

  “Yours is identical to mine. The fees look the same and there are no hidden clauses as such. We’re good to sign.”

  Kade signed his and handed it back to me along with the pen. I slowly flipped open the pages, the feeling of dread mounting the closer I got to the page where I’d see dotted lines awaiting my scrawl.

  “It’s not the hidden clauses in this document that worry me. She’ll be lining up twists and turns for both of us now and I won’t know about them in advance. I won’t be able to warn you or protect you from that. The depths of exposure she’s prepared to go to will be pretty low.”

  “I’m sorry, but I’m going to need a friend in there, and I couldn’t think of a better one.” Kade took my hand and squeezed it in his own.

  “Ignore me, I’m just grumpy. I know the money will help, but I don’t know how I’m going to tell my parents, and what about the animal shelter? They’ll be down a volunteer.”

  Kade was still holding my hand. “Only for a little while, and afterwards, they’ll have a famous volunteer who could use her newly acquired fame to get publicity and donations.”

  He was right.

  “I better go.” I stood up to leave.

  “Sign the papers, Daisy. Let me see you jump in this crazy boat with me and Brody.”

  I did as he requested and decided to get over myself. I wasn’t the one about to live a lie. Kade could come out of this looking really bad. Duping a bunch of women would make him a target for some serious public hatred. I could just blend into the background if I chose to, and collect the money at the end of it.

  “The witch has booked you a room at the Double Days. I believe your transformation starts tomorrow.”

  I walked back into the office and sucked in a lungful of confidence. Meredith’s office door was open, and I could hear her bitching down the phone at someone, before slamming the handset back in its cradle.

  “You’re back. Did the fraudulent motherfucker sign it?”

  “He did, and mine is here, too.”

  I watched as she punched her intercom button and, in a repeat of yesterday, barked for Lydia to appear before her. When Lydia materialized with her iPad and sickly-sweet smile, I decided to look on the bright side. Maybe I could treat the madness in the mansion as a vacation from the office, but I knew that I’d be swapping one madhouse for another.

  “Lydia, there’s been a change of plans. Daisy is taking your slot in the house and you’re taking hers behind that desk.” Lydia was going to be a contestant and I knew nothing about it. My confusion must have been clear for them both to see.

  “But I thought we had an agreement, Meredith,” she whined.

  “We did, but this little madam and the tramp cooked up a new deal and the agreement is no longer viable.”

  Lydia shoved a hand on her hip so fast the iPad was forgotten and crashed to the floor. The look on her face was pure evil, and if she’d been capable of snarling like a rabid dog, she would have been.

  “I didn’t… We didn’t,” I began.

  “You bitch!” she shrieked. “You’ve ruined my chance at breaking the big time. Look at you! Look at her!” she wailed, flinging her arms in my direction, not caring how deranged she looked. “No one will believe that you belong in that house, you frumpy, ugly, boring nobody.”

  “Enough!” Meredith barked. “We have to make it work, but we’re going to need a couple of… ‘normals’ in the mansion to help her blend in or no one will believe Daisy belongs there. That’s your job now, Lydia.”

  “I don’t know people like her,” she bleated.

  Meredith completely ignored her and turned to me, “You can be in charge of getting that mangy fucking con artist and his animal into shape. Go and get a company Amex from the finance team. He will need a few outfits and as much of that shitty hair lopping off as he will agree to. I want him ready for meetings and photos in a couple of days.”

  With our eyes wide and mouths open it was evident that both Lydia and I were floored at our change in roles. She was not a PA and Meredith was going to learn that really quickly. No doubt that would be something else she’d take out on me. Even more worrying was the fact that I was expected to find a salon on short notice that would take Kade and turn him around. I didn’t do beauty parlors. They were inhabited by creatures I had no understanding of. Getting Brody through his transformation would be more my area of expertise.

  Then the thought really hit me. They were inhabited by the same creatures I was going to be living with under the microscope of a TV camera, and if Meredith got her wish, millions of viewers.

  Twelve

  Kade Sutton

  Brody and I had an odd night. The bed was twice the size I was used to from the shelter. There was no rush to get through the shower, and because I was feeling such a king of luxury, I even dragged my boy into the tub with me and gave him a little spruce up. I don’t think he appreciated my attempts to give him a soapy mohawk, though.

  Checking in at the front desk was hilarious. Before I even walked through the door the old cow behind the desk was screaming, “Out! We don’t take your kind here.” It took some convincing for her to check the register and see that I did actually have a reservation and it had been paid in full for a whole week.

  A whole week!

  Brody and I were going to lap up this little bit of luxurious privacy while we still had it.

  I slept in the nude and loved the feel of the soft cotton on my body. I spent at least thirty minutes grasping the fabric between my toes until I spotted my toenails. They were not pretty and whoever ended up with the task of hacking them into shape was going to have their work cut out for them.

  There was a locked mini bar in the room, and a quick call to Gloria at the front desk had housekeeping coming over with a key. It was full to the brim with liquor, beer and snacks. During my early days on the street, I broke into an empty motel room once. It had been raining for days and I could feel swamp rot setting in. I knew that if I didn’t get some respite from the cold and wet, I’d end up with infected feet and be in bad shape. I stayed long enough to take a shower and dry my clothes. I whacked up the room’s thermostat in an attempt to dry them and my boots and I swear the room was hotter than a Caribbean island.

&nbs
p; That entire law-breaking night I sat behind the window drapes wrapped in a towel, praying I didn’t have to make a quick getaway, and as the hunger settled in, I spotted the mini bar in the corner. I jimmied it open with my knife and it was like finding the crown jewels when I looked inside. I made a decision that what I didn’t manage to eat that night, I would steal for future supplies. I gorged on peanuts, pretzels, candy bars and beef jerky. My stomach had been so empty that I didn’t even stop to breathe and digest in between each one, and by the time I was finished, I had a little pouch in my belly that I hadn’t had in years.

  As I fell asleep in my guarded position by the window, I could feel my belly beginning to tumble and turn, and I knew what was coming. I spent about three hours puking my guts up and the next three days shitting through the eye of a needle, which, when living on the streets is a pure horror. When your stomach has been so deprived of processed foods and fats, overloading it with them in a short space of time is a bad idea, and I needed to remember that lesson for the mansion.

  I watched a little bit of TV, flicking through the channels like some mad man. Living in a mansion wasn’t going to be the only strange thing. I wasn’t a functioning member of society anymore. My manners were sketchy at the best of times, and I had no idea about current affairs or topics of interest to talk about. The legend that Meredith was creating was only a small part of the deception. I needed to learn about culture and the privileged lifestyle so I could be convincing as a millionaire.

  The next morning, there was a banging on my motel door and Brody was instantly up at the window checking out who had dragged me from the depths of another night down memory lane. Whoever it was on the other side of that door, he was pleased about it, if his wagging tail was anything to go by. When I opened it, Daisy stood there holding a large duffle bag, whereas I was only holding a towel around my middle.

  “I thought you might be the grumpy old bag from the front desk. She is not keen on having my sort under her roof.”

  “Sorry, did I wake you? It’s just that we have things to do. Can I come in?”

  Interestingly, Daisy seemed nervous about my state of undress. I could tell she was trying to avert her eyes, the fidgeting hands were new. She’d always seemed so certain around me. My first conclusion was that she was shocked by my appearance, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out that what really shocked her was finding herself attracted to me. Her quick intake of breath and constant fidgeting gave her away and I loved it.

  I fucking loved that there was still some part of me this pretty girl actually found appealing.

  “Can you give me a minute to put my clothes back on?” I asked. I was as close to naked as I’d been for any female in a long time but trying not to embarrass her further. If we both stood like this for much longer, my excitement would be obvious to her, something else that hadn’t happened in a while.

  “Sure, you’ll need this.” Daisy swung the holdall at me through the door. “A few clean outfits to tide you over until we can get you… you know… sorted.”

  It was already starting to happen. The TV network was keen to get the show on the road. “Give me half an hour. I’ll meet you at the Wendy’s on the corner.”

  Daisy nodded and wandered off. As the door was closing, I hurled the duffle at the bed. Whatever was inside was going to set the tone for what they expected of me. Brody came and stood next to me, regarding the holdall with just as much fear, as if he knew that opening the zipper was some big event for both of us. I couldn’t put it off any longer and carefully tugged it back towards me. Inside were black and white chucks, a few pairs of cargo pants, some three-quarter sleeved Henley’s and a bomber jacket. No underwear, but still, not too disastrous and as soon as I spotted the Chucks, I knew that the selection was more Daisy’s doing than Meredith’s. Digging around further inside the bag, I found some popular masculine body wash, a can of deodorant, a toothbrush and toothpaste. The last item my fingers fell upon was a beanie. It felt like it was made of the softest wool and stylishly, it was me all over.

  “She did good, buddy,” I muttered to my pal, who had his nose in the bag, searching for any goodies that he could lay claim to.

  Daisy was tucking into a plate of pancakes when I walked through the door. I’d had to tie Brody up outside, so I wasn’t planning on staying long.

  “Breakfast?” she asked. The look on her face was different. It didn’t take long to figure out what had her attention.

  It was me.

  I was different. I was wearing clean clothes and I looked like a regular patron. Her attention made me blush a little bit because it had been a long time since anyone had looked at me in that way; with desire and not pity.

  “Nah, left the big guy outside and I don’t like leaving him too long.” She didn’t need to know that I was still full of my mini bar feast from the night before.

  “About Brody, the places we need to visit won’t take too kindly to him tagging along. But one of the volunteers from the animal shelter works at the vets on the corner of Seventh Street, they can keep an eye on him. Joel, my friend from the shelter is waiting outside, he said he’ll take Brody there while we do what we need to. They’ll give him some doggy pampering.”

  I knew from the look on her face that she wasn’t sure whether I would agree to being separated from my pal and she was right. I trusted Daisy, whereas if Meredith had made the arrangements, it would have been a no for sure. I was still a little hesitant as we’d never been parted for more than a few minutes.

  “I have no problem with that, but can we go with it? I just want to be sure he’s okay there before I leave him.”

  Daisy smiled sweetly. “Of course. I have a parking spot, so I’ll leave my car and get Joel to take us all. We can get an Uber back later, when you’re happy that Brody’s happy.”

  “Okay,” I replied with a nod. “Guess Brody’s going to meet some new friends.”

  When Joel pulled up at the dog shelter, Brody went nuts. He could hear all the barking and the commotion, and in his own head, translated it to, ‘gonna get spoiled.’ We left Joel, and Daisy introduced me to her supervisor, Pat, who promised to give my pal the works until we returned to collect him.

  An hour later, we got an Uber back into the city and stood outside some godforsaken place a couple of blocks from the motel, called ‘The Beauty Zone’. The outside was nearly as drab as the insipid colored walls of the inside, and the desire to run had never been stronger.

  “Let’s be clear.” I stopped her as she put a hand on the door. “I’m not gonna walk out of here looking like some dancer from a Broadway show.”

  “No, I promise,” Daisy said. “But you are going to walk out looking like the son of a rich millionaire who’s been living large on a Caribbean island and enjoying the high life. You’re going to retain your individuality because millionaires who wear boating shoes and have neatly coiffed hairstyles exist in every gated, security guarded mansion, on every street corner in Beverly Hills. You, Mr. Sutton, are going to be the exception to the rule. The intrigue will kill the mansion bitches and the public.”

  Before I could argue with her or summon up a front to hide my fear about the person she was describing, Daisy was already inside confirming my arrival.

  First up was a full body polish. I was wrapped from head to toe in some stinking mud and left to dry until I had a thick crust covering my body. If I closed my eyes for long enough, I could believe I was back on the streets; I smelled that bad. Then some blonde in a therapist’s dress appeared and brushed it off with a dry brush. I nearly asked her whether she’d mistaken me for a horse in the Kentucky Derby. The same girl then ushered me into a shower where I was blasted with jets of water, both hot and cold, until the shower tray beneath me looked like a mudslide had happened, all while wearing damn paper underwear!

  I was then wrapped in the fluffiest towels ever and plonked in a mani-pedi chair. One girl ground away at the skin on the bottoms of my feet and then proceeded to clip my toenails
. I did my best to ignore the way she was gritting her teeth and trying to ignore the state of me in general. At one point, she was hacking so hard at my toes that I nearly suggested she call in an industrial ground worker with an angle grinder.

  When she was done, another girl in black pants and a tunic appeared and started to rub some sort of cream into my hands. At one point, it smelled so bad it reminded me of a night where I’d been so cold that I pissed myself. Seriously, if I knew they were going to use materials that I’d been living in for years, I’d have been giving these treatments to myself on street corners. When she’d finally finished clipping, rounding and filing my fingernails with an emery board, I was about to get up when she approached me with a pot of clear nail polish.

  “Uh, no. I don’t think so. I do not need that shit,” I protested.

  This was getting ridiculous. These women, who all looked exactly like each other with their high ponytails, rose pink lips and extra-long eyelashes, were determined to make me into some sort of pretty boy. A pretty boy suitable for the women I’d be on the show with; shit, they’d probably be primping and pampering them, too.

  The hand girl looked in Daisy’s direction for confirmation, and as I was gearing up for a showdown with her, too, she lowered her magazine and nodded in agreement with me, effectively dismissing the girl who was insistent that it would do wonders for my natural nail growth.

  Next, I lay back in a chair and received a facial. Bony fingers felt like they were trying to poke holes in my cheeks, and there wasn’t a whole lot I enjoyed about it. As I tried to relax and breathe in through the hot towel wrapped around my nose and mouth, I felt a warm liquid being applied to my eyebrows. It thought it must be another useless cream being applied to my skin until she rubbed a small square of cloth over the top of the cream and pulled. Hard.

  “Motherfucker!” I shouted and felt the instant need to slap my own eye sockets to quell the pain. “What the hell are you doing to me?” I shouted through the towel, causing the Barbie inflicting the agony to step back sharply in fear. Daisy was by her side in an instant, getting ready to talk me down from my angry outburst.