by Thorpe, Elle
And I couldn’t blame her. I’d only been a child when our lives had all changed in the blink of an eye. But I still had memories from that day that haunted me. We’d lost so much, but my mother most of all. Because she’d lost herself, too.
“They could be hurt, Bianca. Please. You need to do something. Hollywood is no place for little girls.”
I tugged her closer and rested my head on her shoulder. I didn’t bother correcting her, telling her that this wasn’t Hollywood. I knew she wasn’t talking about my show anymore, or Emily and Audrey. She’d slipped into her own, dark memories. And I knew from all the other times this had happened, that it would be some time before we got her back. And all we could do in the meantime was hold her and hope that she was strong enough to pull herself out.
Hollywood had left my mother scarred and broken. I knew it killed her every day that I was acting. And I hated that. I truly did. But I was selfish. The lure of acting had drawn me in like a siren, and I couldn’t resist it. Acting fed my soul. And that came with a guilt I had learned to live with. But there was one thing on which I agreed with my mother. Children didn’t belong in this industry. This lifestyle chewed people up and spat them out.
6
Bianca
“I love baby showers,” Reese announced later that afternoon, her gaze travelling around the outdoor area we’d just spent the last two hours decorating.
I’d driven straight from my parents’ place to Reese’s where we were hosting a baby shower for our other bestie, Elodie. We’d strung white lanterns around the yard and set up tables with fresh flower centrepieces. Jamison, Elodie’s husband, and Low had been put to work in the kitchen, making platters of food for the guests who would be arriving soon.
I squinted at her through my pounding headache. Comforting my mother, then decorating in the sun for hours hadn’t helped my hangover any. “You do?” I glanced over at Elodie who wore an expression I was sure matched mine. Reese had become oddly sappy since getting married. “All the stupid games, and the predictions and watching someone open a billionty gifts. Not to mention then listening to them oooh and aaah over each of them. You love all that?” I questioned her but then kind of wished I hadn’t. I was just making my headache worse by talking.
The baby shower was the last thing I wanted to do right now, but Elodie and Jamison were important to me. Jamison and I had worked together at a bar a million years ago, along with Low, Reese, and the man who shall not be named. Elodie had joined our little circle of friends when she’d begun dating Jamison, and the six of us had been tight. For a while. Until things went south with Riley and me. But despite that, and despite us all moving on from bartending into our careers, we’d remained friends. So I couldn’t be a no-show today. These people were as much my family as my parents were, and I wasn’t going to miss a special day for them. So I’d dosed up on paracetamol and energy drinks, and dragged my ass to coo over onesies and eat my weight in baby-themed cupcakes.
“There’ll be none of that baby shower ridiculousness here today,” Elodie announced, placing her hands on her swollen belly. “This is just an excuse to have a barbecue. The guys are all staying.”
I paused. “They are?”
Shit. That meant…
“Riley’s here,” Jamison yelled to Elodie from inside the house. “He’s going to get the meat started.”
Reese and Elodie both turned to look at me.
“What?” I had to force the word out. I hadn’t told them about last night. I hadn’t even really let myself think about it. It was all too mortifying to be real.
“Are you cool? Or are you still having adverse reactions to hearing his name?”
Ha. Adverse reactions. If only they knew exactly how opposite to adverse my reactions had been last night when I’d practically thrown myself at the man.
I waved a hand around in the air like I was totally chill. On the inside, I was running away screaming. But I was an actress. I could fake it. “It’s fine.”
Riley stepped through the back door onto the patio, and Reese and Elodie both called out greetings to him. I couldn’t do it, though. I wanted to show my friends that I was sticking to my word. That I was ending this ongoing drama between Riley and me, but speaking to him after last night just wasn’t an option. So instead, I turned away and busied myself with some white balloons and pretended I hadn’t noticed his entrance.
I’d noticed, though. Because I always noticed him, no matter where we were. It was that stupid, seemingly inbuilt connection that sounded alarms in my brain and sent shockwaves through my body every time he was around. Sometimes I didn’t even need to see him.
I just knew.
Like now. Even with my back to him, I knew he was watching me. I could feel his heated gaze, burning the skin at the back of my neck.
Elodie and Jamison’s guests soon began filling the space, and I was grateful because it was easier to hide in a crowd. I sat with Elodie’s mother for a while and chatted, while her crazy mane of silver hair bobbed around in the pleasant afternoon breeze. And then I found Nathan, Elodie’s eldest son, and asked him about school and his friends. He was fifteen, though, so that conversation was as short-lived as you might expect. He took the first opportunity to ditch me, and I couldn’t blame him. I wouldn’t have wanted to hang out with my parents’ friends when I was fifteen either.
“Bianca,” Riley said from behind me.
I spun around. Shit. I’d lost track of where he was and hadn’t even seen him coming. My face burned, remembering the way I’d asked him for sex last night and how he’d shut me down.
I was pathetic. Telling all my friends I was done with him, that there’d never been anything between us, then practically jumping in his lap the very next time I saw him. And it wasn’t fair on him either, sending him such mixed messages.
I couldn’t stand here and talk to him like nothing had happened. Or worse. We’d pretend to talk nicely for a few minutes, then inevitably, one of us would pick a fight and we’d end up in an argument. I couldn’t do that. Not today and after the morning I’d had with my mother.
“Hey, sorry, Elodie asked me to get some more ice. I have to go,” I lied. I pulled away from him, threading my way through the crowd and around the side of the house to where my car was parked. I was fumbling with the keys, stabbing at the unlock button, when he caught up to me, his big hand curling around my wrist.
“Don’t run,” he said quietly in my ear.
My damn traitorous knees went weak, and I had to force them to hold my weight. “I’m not,” I said indignantly. His fingers still covered the pulse point in my wrist, and I wondered if he could feel exactly how fast my heart was beating.
“About last night—”
“I don’t want to talk about last night.”
“Why?”
“Why?” I pulled my hand away from him, hoping that if he wasn’t touching me, I could get my thoughts into some sort of coherent order. It didn’t work, though, because his broad body crowded in on me, forcing me backwards until I was trapped between him and my car. I knew without a doubt he’d move and let me pass if I really wanted him to. But we both knew what this was. We both knew I liked having him this close, even if it meant I couldn’t think straight. “Last night was embarrassing. You completely rejected me.”
He stepped back an inch. “What? I didn’t reject you at all. You were blind drunk. I’m surprised you even remember.”
Irritation crept in, drowning out my lust. “It’s me, Riley. We’ve been screwing around for years. I’m not some random woman you picked up in a bar. You flat-out rejected me.”
“I was being a gentleman.”
Or, he left to go find his date and fuck her. That was what this whole thing boiled down to, wasn’t it? I couldn’t get the image of Riley and that woman from last night out of my head. His fingers touching the bare skin of her back. Him smiling at her as he’d pushed open the restaurant door for her. And the way, she’d been all over him in the car park. He�
��d taken me home because I was drunk and he felt sorry for me. And I’d thrown myself at him like a fool, only to be put aside with a pitying look.
Ugh. I knew I was overreacting. Beneath all the yelling we did, he cared about me. If nothing else, he knew how to be a friend, and he’d been watching out for me. And I was grateful, because I really had drunk way too much. But after he’d left, I’d spent all night imagining him having sex with someone else. Someone else raking her nails down his skin. Someone else writhing beneath him while he drove his cock deep between her legs. I hadn’t slept, while my jealous mind played image after image of him with another woman, each and every thought making me sicker than the last.
I shook my head. I needed to get away from him. I needed some space from him. Some time to think. I couldn’t do that when he was standing so damn close. I jabbed the unlock button on my car again, and this time, I opened the door. Just like I knew he would, he stepped back and let me, but his frustration was evident in the way he thrust his fingers through his hair.
“B. Just talk to me!”
I couldn’t. We didn’t talk. If we talked, I might blurt out the truth. “I have to go get ice,” I replied lamely.
His dark gaze locked with mine, and I tried to ignore the hurt I saw there. This. This is exactly why I’d told Reese I was giving him up. We weren’t good for each other. One of us always ended up hurting the other. We’d never been able to get our shit together. I needed a clean break. And so did he.
He just nodded. And I pulled the door closed before driving off.
I didn’t get the ice. And I didn’t return to the party.
It was better for everyone, especially Riley, if I stayed away.
7
Riley
It had been my ex’s weekend with my daughter, Sadie, so I hadn’t seen her in over a week. And that sucked. I hated the weekends she didn’t come stay with me. I called her all the time, and for fifteen, she was pretty good about answering. But as I often did after one of my solo weekends, I dropped by her mother’s house on my way to work, just because I missed her.
Eliza, Sadie’s mother, opened the door and kissed me on the cheek in greeting. She didn’t seem at all surprised that I was on her doorstep at eight a.m. on a Monday morning. “Hey. She’s upstairs, but I’ve got to go. Remind her to take her sport gear, will you? I know she deliberately forgets it on Mondays so she doesn’t have to participate.” A tiny smile lifted the corner of her mouth. “I used to do exactly the same thing in high school, so I get it, but also, I’m her mother, and it’s a required subject. Make sure she has it packed, Riley.”
I gave her a mock salute which she didn’t see as she was too busy bellowing down the hallway for her husband, Simon, to hurry up. He jogged around the corner, straightening his tie, and gave me a nod as he passed. The door slammed shut behind them, and I was left in the empty hallway alone.
Eliza and I hadn’t always been on such good terms. She’d fallen pregnant at fifteen after a summer fling. I’d known nothing about her pregnancy until she came back in my life five years later with a five-year-old who wanted to call me Daddy. I’d fallen in love with Sadie right then and there, but it had taken me a long time to forgive or to trust her mother again.
I bounded up the stairs, pausing at Sadie’s closed bedroom door, and knocked out the complicated pattern I’d used every time I wanted to enter her room since she was a little kid. She was too old for games like that now, of course. But I still always did it, out of habit.
The door swung open. “Dad!” she yelped, grabbing my arm and dragging me inside. Then she checked the hallway in both directions.
I sat on her bed and laughed as she closed the door behind her, leaning against it dramatically.
“Something is up with Mum,” she declared.
I tilted my head. “What does that mean? If you got in trouble with her, don’t ask me to bail you out. You know your mum and I are a joint force on things like that.”
She shook her head. “I haven’t done anything. Swear. They’re planning something.”
“To take over the world perhaps?” I couldn’t hide my amusement. She looked so serious.
She groaned and threw a pillow at me. But then she sat next to me, and I realised she was truly worried about something. And that sobered me.
“Dad, I’m serious. Can you ask her?”
“You’re going to have to give me something more than that. What’s been going on? And why haven’t you asked her?”
She threw up her hands. “I did! She said everything was fine.”
I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her to my side, kissing the top of her head. “Then I’m sure it is. Stop worrying.”
She nodded, and I stood, but when I glanced back at her, she was nibbling her thumbnail and staring blankly at her bedroom door.
“Sadie.”
“Mmm?” she replied, but she was so distracted by whatever it was her over active imagination had conjured up that I didn’t think she’d really heard me.
“Look at me.” I waited for her to turn her big brown eyes on me. “Everything is fine. And I need to get to work. But the next time I see your mum, I will ask her what’s going on.”
Her eyes brightened, and my heart swelled. I hated seeing her upset.
“And then you’ll tell me, right? Whatever it is, you’ll tell me?”
I rolled my eyes. “When have I ever been able to keep anything from you? We’re a team.”
She stood and wrapped her arms around me, and I held her tight. She was only a head shorter than me now, but she was still that big-eyed little girl who’d waltzed into my life ten years ago and taken it by storm. And I loved every damn thing about her. I just wished I got to see her more.
“I’ve got to go to work,” I said stiffly, pulling away before I could get sappy. She wouldn’t appreciate that. “Bye, baby girl. Don’t forget your sports uniform.”
I left her to moan about how much she hated exercise and chuckled my way down the stairs to the front door. Strolling across the front lawn to my jeep, I tried to ignore the seed of worry that Sadie had planted in my head. Eliza and I had become a good team over the years, and she always kept me in the loop. I’d know if something was wrong. Until I knew otherwise, I’d just assume there was no drama brewing. Lord knew I’d had enough of that with Bianca over the weekend.
I slid into the driver’s seat, resting my hands on the wheel. If I was truthful, part of the reason I’d wanted to see Sadie this morning was because I needed a break from thinking about Bianca. I hated the way she’d left the baby shower on Saturday, and it had played over in my mind all day Sunday while I’d tried, unsuccessfully, to watch football. I knew from experience that I’d be replaying our argument over and over until the next time I saw her. It happened every time. I dropped my head down onto my hands and groaned. Why couldn’t things ever just be simple with us? If she had been any other woman, I would have labelled her too much work and run for the hills. But it was Bianca. And I had never been able to just let her go. Not fully.
Sadie held half my heart, but Bianca owned the rest.
And that was fucked up because I obviously didn’t own hers. Not even a little piece of it.
I needed therapy.
I shoved the keys into the ignition and cranked them, but the engine let out a pitiful cough, and then silence.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I grumbled under my breath. Shoving myself off the seat, I got out, popped the hood, then wondered why I’d even bothered. I didn’t know jack shit about cars. And, I realised with a sinking feeling, I didn’t have the spare cash to call roadside assistance. Shit. It would have to sit here until I could get someone out to look at it. I fumbled in my pocket, finding my phone, and brought up Jamison’s number. He might not have left for the law practice he worked at, and maybe he could give me a lift. His house wasn’t far from Eliza’s.
He picked up on the first ring, and I quickly explained the situation to him.
&nb
sp; “Shit, Ri. Sorry, I’m already in the city. I’ve got court today.”
“Ah, damn. Never mind. I’ll call an Uber.”
“No, don’t. I’ll call Elodie. She’ll have already dropped Sophie at daycare and she’ll just be out walking—”
“No, don’t, Jam. It’s fine. I’ll—”
“Already calling her. Uber’s get expensive, man. And if your jeep is off the road, that’s going to cost you, too. Let us help.” He hung up before I could get another word in.
My face heated. I knew he meant well, but it was embarrassing, knowing your friends all earnt more money than you. Jamison had gone into law. Reese and Low both worked at Low’s family racecourse. And Bianca had a lead actress salary, so who knew how much she earned. But I was sure they all earned enough to pay for their cars if they broke down. Not that they would, because they all drove new models. Unlike my beat-up, twelve-year-old jeep.
I wandered back inside the house to wait for Elodie. My salary wasn’t bad. But I was paying a Sydney mortgage on one wage, and that was tough. But I’d wanted that house so desperately. I’d wanted a home for Sadie. When she’d been little, I’d lived with a string of roommates, with her sleeping in a twin bed across the room from me. It wasn’t right. She’d deserved a room of her own. And I’d given her that. If it meant my pride took a beating when I didn’t have the cash to pay for an Uber, then so be it. Sadie was more important than my pride. She was more important than anything.
8
Bianca
Sweat dripped down my back, despite the cool winter breeze that blew over my bare skin, forcing me to jog on the spot to keep warm. I glanced over at Elodie who leaned heavily against a tree, her workout shirt stretched tight over her rounded stomach. She rubbed her back and took long, deep breaths. I bit my lip as I studied her. The stopwatch app on my phone declared it had only been a few minutes since we’d last stopped, and that made me nervous. Very, very nervous. I might not have known anything about babies, but I knew enough from Hollywood movies to know that contractions a few minutes apart meant a baby was on its way. And Elodie looked more than ready to pop.