Resurrection

by Karina Bliss

  Moss was breaking his heart over his daughter and they were both breaking hers.

  Ten days later, Lily stood beside Grace’s cot watching the twitch of her lids as the baby dreamed. Of what, she wondered? Children fought sleep, but when they surrendered to it, that surrender was total, absolute. Like love…

  She’d never been so conflicted about keeping her own counsel. Time and again she had to remind herself she was doing the right thing in letting him be. Offering no argument or resistance; giving him a quiet space where he might hear the truth of his own heart.

  All the while trying to avoid the truth of hers. Except every time he looked at her, heat in his eyes, devotion, she lost another layer of the scar tissue protecting her from caring too much. Between Moss and his baby daughter, she felt besieged, euphoric, and vulnerable, all at the same time.

  Living in the moment had taken on an intensity that was both wondrous and intensely painful. Tending Grace, looking after Kayla and Jared’s kids, living here in this house, slowly cluttering its sparseness with toys and life, she could forget they were existing in a bubble of precarious happiness.

  Moss had already interviewed one couple and told her they weren’t right for Grace. “They genuinely believe that a child won’t test their relationship.”

  He had another appointment tomorrow, and she was praying the next couple would be another fail.

  Moss walked in and she raised a finger to her lips. He looked at his baby daughter as he always did, with agonized love. Catching Lily’s hand, he drew her into the hall and into his embrace.

  Making love was an escape from the pressures bearing down on them. His arms, his body, felt like home. No other lover had ever been so attuned to her desires—or her mood. His kiss was tender, gentle, and she pressed closer, losing her melancholy in sensual oblivion.

  “Hey, you two,” Dimity called from the living room. “I’m playing Moss’s cologne commercials. Get out here.”

  He broke the kiss and groaned. “Do we have to?”

  “Yes! And I went to a lot of trouble to get an advance link so pretend you’re excited, Moss.”

  “Oh, I can hardly wait.” He smiled lazily into Lily’s eyes and she got lost for a moment in the jungle green. Her body responded. His lips traced the curve of her ear. “Hold that thought.”

  “Held,” she whispered. “Very. Firmly. Held.” His eyes darkened and she broke away with a teasing laugh and joined the others in the living room.

  Following her, Moss stalled in the doorway when he glimpsed Kayla and Jared. “Don’t tell me you guys actually came over for this.”

  “We even paid for a babysitter.” Reclining in the armchair, Jared settled Kayla more comfortably on his lap. “You owe us thirty bucks.”

  “You’re here to make fun of me.”

  Lily hid a smile. Her lover was adorable when he scowled.

  “I made popcorn,” Kayla held out the bowl.

  Seth, who was sitting on the floor, his back against the couch, grabbed a handful, then passed the bowl behind him to Dimity. “Brood is an odd name for a cologne,” he commented. “Makes me think of chickens.”

  “Shit, I need a drink for this,” said Moss.

  Everyone shouted their requests. He left for the kitchen, then returned with beer and champagne and squeezed in between Lily and Dimity, slinging his arms casually along the back of the couch. “Okay, let’s get this over with.”

  “You’re in my personal space,” Dimity complained.

  “Because I might need to strangle you for talking me into this.”

  Enjoying herself, Lily snuggled into the lean body of the man beside her. “When does it go public?”

  “Television and movie advertising next week,” said Dimity. “The print campaign next month.” She poured three flutes of champagne. “By the way, one of your singles has fallen out of Billboard’s top ten.”

  The guys looked at each other and shrugged. “It was only a matter of time,” Jared spoke for all of them.

  Dimity handed Jared a glass of champagne. “And the album debuted at number three on their top 200 chart,” she said.

  There was a moment’s stunned silence.

  “What exactly does that mean?” Kayla ventured, her brown eyes shining over her beer glass.

  “That we’re going to be rich,” Dimity answered.

  “That you and I are taking a second honeymoon in Tahiti,” promised Jared.

  Seth grinned at some private joke. “That my father’s finally going to take my career seriously,” he said.

  Lily watched Moss. You can keep her, she thought. You’ll have money enough to keep her.

  “I’ll set up a trust for Grace,” he said slowly. “To help her new family send her to college if she wants to go.”

  The resulting silence lay heavy. Feeling Moss’s body tense as he realized the direction of everyone’s thoughts, Lily caught Seth’s eye.

  “Sounds good, mate.” The drummer raised his bottle of lager. “To Grace’s college fund.”

  “To Grace,” everyone echoed.

  “And us,” Moss added.

  Slow grins broke out, widening until they were all laughing and hugging. Drawn by the noise, Madeleine arrived from one of her many doggie beds around the house. For the next fifteen minutes, everyone was talking over each other, double-checking the chart, taking screen shots and, at Dimity’s insistence, band selfies. Every now and then one of the guys would go quiet and stare into the middle distance, processing. Lily suspected they wouldn’t have that opportunity again for a while. Things were going to get even crazier around here.

  “I think I’ve found the right mantra for the band,” Dimity said with a mischievous note in her voice, when they’d returned to their seats. “We owe everything to our kick-ass manager.”

  “A toast is as good as it gets, you megalomaniac.” Moss rose to his feet again, and Jared and Seth stood with him. Solemnly, they tapped beer and champagne glasses. “To our kick-ass manager.”

  “And my future wife,” Seth added. “Honey B, this has gotta help my application with immigration.”

  Lily watched Dimity gulp her champagne. She was clearly afraid of getting her hopes up.

  As everyone resettled, Moss refilled Dimity’s champagne glass, murmuring something Lily couldn’t catch, then turned to top up hers. She covered it with her palm. “I should stay sober for the night watch.”

  “I’ll do it.” He grinned at her, wickedly playful. “You get to be the irresponsible one tonight. I’m hoping I get you drunk enough to…” He paused. Deliberately, she suspected, to give her a chance to imagine a few erotic possibilities. “Let me buy your car.”

  “You want my Honda?” she spluttered.

  “I’m gonna crush it and have it made into a novelty dining table.”

  “It’s not for sale!”

  “Can we hurry up and watch these commercials?” Jared pleaded. “Kayla brings out this corset for the big occasions and we need to go home.”

  “I guess that means Seth will be releasing the guinea pigs,” Lily commented, and Moss and Seth nearly spilled their beers, laughing.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Unperturbed, Dimity activated the link. “The only animal my lover’s sexually excited by is the honey badger. But you’re right, we need to get this over with so we can all get laid. Which is the perfect segue to…Brood.”

  With hoots and whistles from Jared and Seth, everyone faced the screen.

  Moodily lit, the opening shot was a hotel room overlooking a Las Vegas nightscape. Gauzy curtains billowed around the edges of the panoramic windows. Lily sipped her champagne. Funny how no hotel room I’ve ever been in had windows that opened.

  The camera panned to the bathroom, where Moss stood before the mirror, utterly gorgeous in an unbuttoned white shirt, and she stopped nitpicking and took a deep, appreciative breath. I’m sleeping with that guy?

  Casually, Moss put his hand on her thigh, low enough to be unremarkable, high
enough to remind her just how long he’d spent between her legs yesterday in a rare daylight hour when the house was theirs, and Grace was napping.

  She shifted, remembering it, and his index finger covertly circled her inner thigh. Oh yeah, the devil knew he was arousing her.

  She tried to concentrate on the commercial. It was obvious the director was targeting women buying for their men. There were teasing glimpses of Moss’s chest and abs; slow pans across his muscular shoulders. Lily cooled her lust with a gulp of champagne.

  On screen, Moss carelessly splashed cologne at the strong juncture of his jaw and neck.

  “What does that stuff smell like, anyway?” Unaffected, Seth sipped his beer.

  “You’ll find out when I give it to you every birthday for the next fifty years,” Moss retorted. “I have a lifetime supply.”

  On-screen, he was replacing the stopper in the translucent blue bottle when a feminine hand covered his. The camera panned out to the woman behind him, gloriously redheaded and clearly naked. Plucking the stopper from his hand she used his reflection in the mirror to draw it over his throat, across his collarbone and down.

  Kayla whistled in appreciation.

  “Seriously?” Jared said incredulously, and was shushed by Lily and Dimity.

  Shrugging off his shirt, Moss turned to the redhead and wound her glorious hair around his hand before bending to kiss her. Cut to his blurred, naked body rising over hers in the bed. Brood, drawled a sexy female voice. For men who can’t be tamed.

  “Wow!” Kayla fanned her face.

  “Okay, I might be a little bit turned on,” Seth admitted.

  Lily held out her glass for another refill, telling herself it was just advertising.

  Other ads rolled on, every one with a different woman. Women claiming, demanding, enticing, and seducing. Ugly memories resurfaced of her life as Zander’s girlfriend. The band’s frontman was a lightning rod for female fantasies…groupies.

  For men who recognize no boundaries.

  For men who live on the edge.

  For men who don’t just think outside the box. They get rid of the box. When she caught herself refilling her champagne flute a fourth time, Lily stopped pretending she was handling this.

  Moss’s fingers caressed her nape. “You’ve gone quiet.”

  “I’m overawed.”

  He snorted.

  “I might call it a night.” Shifting away from his hand, she stood. If you could have your pick of any woman, why limit yourself to one? “This champagne’s given me a headache.”

  “Shall I get you some Advil?”

  “No, I have some in my room.” She smiled. “Stay and have fun.” It was easy to pretend she was impervious to insecurity and jealousy. She’d had plenty of practice with Zander. “Night, everyone.”

  A chorus of goodnights followed in her wake.

  She’d thought she’d been protecting herself from feeling too much, but by the way old fears swooped and sliced, she’d been kidding herself. It terrified her how deeply she’d fallen for him. She’d never been enough for those she’d loved.

  Leaving the light off in her bedroom, she pulled her curtains to block out a cheerful moon.

  She and Moss were caught in a bubble together—of mutual love for a child, of head over heels delight in each other. Yes, he believed he loved her, but what if circumstances had fanned his feelings? Touring and Grace’s adoption could change everything.

  Only a fool refused to put up storm shutters after a cyclone warning.

  Even Jared and Kayla’s relationship had nearly foundered during Rage’s last tour. What chance did she and Moss have, with their baggage? Another thought struck her, piercing in its truth.

  If it weren’t for Grace you would never have seen his vulnerability.

  She’d been pretending that he wouldn’t be too famous, that somehow they’d have a different life to the very public one she’d shared with Zander.

  In the dark, she fumbled her way to her laptop and hit a key. The screensaver lit up. Lily stared at a picture of the Spencer-Fleming kids, then searched her inbox for the last email she’d received from their mother.

  The kids miss you. We miss you, Lucinda had written. I haven’t seen anything in the media for at least a fortnight. Surely in another few weeks, we can safely consider the danger passed? We still want you back!

  She should do this while the champagne was giving her Dutch courage.

  She hit reply. I miss you too, and I think you’re right. It would…

  There was a tap on her door and Moss appeared, backlit by the hall light. “Okay, what’s really going on?”

  “I’m activating an insurance policy,” she said tipsily. “In case we don’t work out.”

  He entered and closed the door, flicking on the light. She winced at the sudden brightness. “This conversation would be easier in the dark.”

  “Tough.”

  Yes, be arrogant. Remind me why I need to do this.

  “Those dumbass ads spooked you, didn’t they?”

  “They reminded me to be more realistic in my expectations.”

  He made an impatient gesture. “I don’t want other women. I only want you. I thought I’d made that clear.”

  She was done being the last person to see the writing on the wall. “Before Grace, you were on the prowl most nights.”

  “Because I had no one to come home to, and to keep an eye on street kids. You were the one who pointed out that I only hooked up with women after a gig.”

  “And that’s supposed to make me feel better?” The champagne soured in her stomach. “You’ll be touring in a few months and I won’t always be around.” She added sharply, “I have my own career goals.”

  “And I respect that.” He’d picked up her mood now, but clearly still believed he could swim against the tide, because his smile was teasing. “What are you saying, that once I’m touring we go our separate ways?”

  Was she? She cleared her throat, adjusted her glasses. “Already, this is the best relationship I’ve ever been in, but I’d be stupid to—”

  “Trust my feelings for you or believe I can keep it in my pants when you’re not around?” His tone wasn’t playful now, but incredulous.

  “I’m not saying my distrust is entirely rational, but it’s how I feel.” Fuck this. “I take that back. It is rational, based on prior experience.”

  “I’m not Zander,” he said flatly.

  “And I’m not ever sitting around and hoping for the best again. I need to”—protect myself—“be realistic about our chances.” She felt both completely in the wrong and completely in the right, convinced this was the only way forward. “I have to do what’s best for me.”

  “I’m best for you.”

  “When you’ve found Grace her new family I’m returning to London. The Spencer-Flemings want me back, and interest in the sex tape has died away.” Modulating her tone made her sound calmer, sensible. If only she could internalize that calm. “Time apart will give you a chance to assess how strong your feelings are before we burn our bridges by going public.”

  Through her terse little speech, Moss leaned against the doorjamb watching her. Unexpectedly, he grinned. “You love me.”

  “What? I didn’t say that!”

  “Time apart for me to reassess how strong my feelings are. No mention of yours.”

  “For us both, then.” Her heart thumped against her ribs. “Stop splitting hairs. Although it’s obvious you’re the one most likely to change your mind. You have the career rife with temptation.” She stopped, miserable. “We’ll talk, we’ll text. It’s not as if this is the end.” This is the end.

  He wasn’t smiling now. “Can I talk you out of this?”

  She held her nerve. “No.”

  “Okay.” He left.

  Incredulous, she stared after him. That was it? ‘Okay.’

  You told him he couldn’t talk you out of it, idiot. He’s respecting your wishes.

  Where’s the disappoin
tment? He’s supposed to be in love with me!

  Maybe he’s trying to make you feel sad enough to reconsider?

  Moss doesn’t play games.

  If anything, this reinforces how sensible you are to be leaving.

  Realizing she was numbly staring at her screen, she deferred her reply until the morning and shut down her laptop. Changing into pajamas, she switched off the light and crawled into bed, aching inside.

  A half hour later she heard Jared and Kayla leaving, then the murmur of Seth and Dimity’s voices as they walked past her door and the scrabble of Madeleine’s paws on the hardwood floor as she followed them.

  I will not cry. I will not— Her door opened, and light flooded into her room from the hall. She buried her wet face into her pillow. “I’m trying to sleep here.”

  “No, you’re not.” She heard the sound of the curtains being swept aside and sat up. Moss was opening the French doors to the full moon.

  “What are you doing?” she demanded, bewildered.

  “Your sex fantasy. Before you officially dump me, we should tick it off the list.”

  “Are you insane? That’s the last thing I’m interested in doing.”

  “Tough.”

  Before she could dry the last of her tears, he’d picked her up from the bed and was walking outside.

  Outrage replaced self-pity. “Put me down.”

  “Okay.”

  She hit the pool with an almighty splash. Cold water closed over her head. She surfaced coughing and spluttering and furious. “You son of a bitch!” She peeled wet hair away from her eyes. “What was that about?”

  He was calmly removing his shirt. “I just told you.”

  A window opened at the other end of the house. “What’s happening?” Seth called. The dog barked somewhere behind him.

  “I’m fulfilling Lily’s sexual fantasy.” Moss kicked off his shoes.

  “The hell you are.” She yanked down her pajama top, which was ballooning out from her body.

  Paying no attention, Moss unzipped his jeans. “You guys are looking after Grace tonight. The baby monitor is in the living room.”

  “Okay.” Seth shut the window.

  Moss dropped his boxers and dived in, surfacing at the other end of the pool. “Take off your clothes.”