Resurrection

by Karina Bliss

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  An hour later, Moss sat at the dining table frowning at a file picture of the Emersons and steeling himself to phone the adoption agency.

  “You’ll burn a hole in it if you’re not careful,” Lily commented from the kitchen, where she was mixing Grace a bottle.

  “What?”

  “You’re staring at it so intensely.” She hesitated, and he anticipated her question.

  “It’s fine,” he said hastily. “I’m ready to do this.” Ready as I’ll ever be. His baby daughter lay on a mat on the floor, entranced by a portable mobile. Angling his body so he couldn’t see her, Moss replaced the photograph in the file and picked up his cell.

  One of the mobile’s black sheep baaed in a surprised, robotic way as Grace batted it with a flailing arm. “Her aim’s getting better,” he commented.

  “She’ll be a baseball player yet.”

  On his cell, he checked where Little Leagues were located in Ohio, then realized he was stalling and closed the app. “At this age, as long as someone loves her, it doesn’t matter who, right?” The question burst out of him, catching him by surprise. He concentrated on his cell screen. “I have to be sure she’s not going to be traumatized by this.”

  “She won’t be traumatized by this.” Lily’s voice was very steady, very sure. If she’d said yes, he would have been forced to keep Grace. She must have known that, and still she’d given him honesty.

  “Then it’s all good,” he lied, pulling out the photograph again. “Did I tell you Grace’s mom is a teacher?”

  “Yes.”

  Of course he had, he’d told her everything. Fuck, I have to stop torturing us both. Another sheep baaed as Grace hit a home run. It was probably the baaing affecting his concentration. “And her dad’s a rancher.”

  “Yes.” Lily’s voice was impossibly gentle. It shouldn’t have made him bleed inside. He’d been so lonely growing up, even before his father died. He never wanted Grace to feel such loneliness. He had to give her family and a support network so large she would never get lost, never slip through the cracks, or wonder why no one cared a damn about her. Not my baby girl.

  He flipped over the card for his contact at the agency and tapped in the number, but his hands were shaking so much that he kept double-tapping the same numeral and having to backspace. It should be easy doing the right thing, and it wasn’t. But he had to protect Grace from a sentimental choice.

  Finally the number was correctly loaded. All he had to do was press ‘connect’. He blinked to clear his vision. A vise around his chest was getting tighter and tighter. At the same time his ribs felt as if they were splintering from a surge of emotion.

  He focused on the Emersons’ photograph with desperate intensity. “They’re such great people.”

  Lily didn’t reply but her silence was soft and accepting. He could say anything and her silence would absorb it. “I know they’ll love her as much as—” He swallowed.

  “As much as you do,” she said matter-of-factly, coming to sit opposite him.

  Tears prickled, as sharp as diamonds from being held back too long. No one could love her that much. He forced the words out. “I told them they were the frontrunners.”

  “Then you have a choice,” she said. “You can break their hearts. Or you can break yours.”

  He laid his head on his arms and cried. Just cried. And it didn’t matter that Lily saw him fracture, because she understood him as no one ever had. He let himself feel how much he loved his daughter, and this woman who’d helped him find his way to her.

  “Or I could keep Grace.” Wiping his eyes on his sleeve, he sat up, and reached across the table to grasp Lily’s hand. “I could keep her and work something out.”

  She understood what he was up against. Where he’d come from. Without any bullshit romanticism attached. “If you want to keep her, we can make it work,” she said with absolute faith.

  “All my life I’ve fought love,” he admitted. “It seemed like something reserved for other people, something I didn’t know how to return. Until you.” He grinned, and his face stung from the salt of drying tears. “You started the rot.”

  Her smile reflected his euphoria. “Sweet-talker.”

  He went around the table, pulled her into his arms, and kissed her. His shields had shattered and his heart was raw and sore and hopeful and scared and he didn’t know how the fuck he was going to make this work, only that he would. “Thank you for walking this road with me,” he whispered. “Thank you for challenging me, and giving me the space and time to understand how I feel about my daughter.”

  She hugged him convulsively before releasing him. “Go get your baby.”

  Pushing the mobile aside, he crouched by Grace and picked her up. She craned her little turtle neck to look past him, wanting the baa-baas, and he laughed because having your kid take you for granted was the best fucking feeling in the world. Turning her to face the mobile, he kissed the top of her downy head. “You’re mine and I’m yours and we’re stuck with each other. And by the smell of it, you’ve filled your diaper, which is ruining our big moment and I don’t care.”

  His voice broke. “I don’t care, Grace, because I love you.” He covered her face in kisses until she started to get grumpy and then went and changed her diaper.

  Later, he got permission from the agency to call the Emersons and apologize. “From the way you spoke about her, it was clear to us you were conflicted,” Zac Emerson told him. “We half expected this.”

  Lily organized an impromptu barbecue for him to announce his decision. Moss felt strangely shy as he carried his daughter poolside, where his friends had congregated around the grill.

  “I’m keeping Grace,” he declared.

  “No.” Dimity shook her head.

  “No,” said Kayla, and was echoed by Jared.

  Moss’s confidence sank as Seth plucked Grace from his arms.

  “We’re all keeping her,” corrected his best friend.

  “Fine.” He rolled his eyes, trying not to smile. “We’re keeping her.”

  * * *

  Lily reclined at one end of the bathtub, Moss at the other with his legs bracketing hers, and holding Grace.

  It hadn’t started out that way, as evidenced by the candles she’d lit around the tub, blown out when Grace’s familiar wail emanated through the monitor. The faint smell of vanilla and honey still permeated the air, and the water, once steamy in every sense, was now tepid, because that was how wakeful babies liked their baths.

  They’d been halfway into hot and heavy bathtub action when Grace woke, and Moss had the slightly sulky, heavy-lidded expression of sexual frustration. Lily felt exactly the same way, and every time they looked at each other it seemed the water heated another couple of degrees.

  She pushed a foaming island of bubbles toward a fascinated Grace. Small jolts of delight ran through the baby’s tiny limbs before she slapped the surface in an enthusiastic frenzy. Having discovered her smile she’d begun using it to the same devastating effect as her father. Laughing, Lily threw up her hands as a screen.

  Moss anchored his daughter more firmly to his glistening torso. Droplets beaded on the ends of his lashes, and trickled down his face and Grace’s. “Thanks for that,” he complained, but a grin broke through, notching up Lily’s happiness.

  Any higher and they’d be in the clouds.

  She leaned forward and dried their faces with a washcloth. Moss’s hand curled around her calf.

  “Let’s talk about our future,” he said. “Mine, yours, and Grace’s.”

  “Haven’t we already agreed I’ll come on tour with you both?”

  She was now a full-time employee with health benefits, study leave, holiday pay, and scheduled days off. The fact that she’d choose to spend them with Grace and Moss was neither here nor there.

  “Yeah, securing your professional services was stage one of my master plan.” He winced as Grace started thrashing again and lifted her away from hi
s body. “Watch the goods, baby girl. Daddy needs them later.”

  “Yes he does.” Thankfully, the kicks lacked commitment. “It might be wishful thinking, but I think she’s getting tired.”

  Moss turned Grace into his chest and smiled down at her, so tenderly that Lily’s breath hitched. Was there anything as sexy as a tough guy gentling his child? She recalled her earlier promise to his manager and sat back. “Dimity’s right. A press release on Grace without a photo of you together only invites the paparazzi to stalk you.”

  “Jared and Kayla never release photos of their kids.”

  “Normally I’d agree, but you and Grace are in a unique situation. By releasing pictures, you’ll satisfy your fans and take the heat out of the story. The British royals do it all the time. Right now, Grace is a blob—no offense, precious girl.” She reached out to stroke the infant’s cheek and won another smile. “In a few weeks she’ll be unrecognizable. Her anonymity won’t really be compromised.”

  “Pictures, plural?” Trust Moss to hone in on the pertinent detail.

  “Okay, this idea is out of left field, so feel free to shoot it down.” The water was getting uncomfortably cool, so she turned on the hot faucet. “Sell the story as an exclusive”—thanks for the idea, Mom—“and give the money to the homeless shelter. You mentioned they always need more resources, and if you publicize where the money’s going it might result in more donations.”

  Grace was falling asleep in the way babies did sometimes, with slowly drooping lids that she was struggling to keep open. Moss was simply staring at Lily.

  Embarrassed, she stirred the warmer water into the bath, and turned off the faucet. “It’s probably a dumb—”

  “You’re brilliant.” He laughed. “That’s a fucking brilliant idea.”

  “Really?” she said, delighted.

  “Really. Grace isn’t the only one I want go public wi—”

  She cut him off. She’d been expecting this. “Not until you’ve got permanent custody, announced she’s your daughter, and the buzz has died down. Until then, I’m just the nanny.”

  “Why?”

  “You know why. If someone links Lily Stuart with Stormy Hagen…”

  “I couldn’t care less. I’m proud to be with you.”

  She loved how recklessly he gave himself to her. But one of them had to be sensible. “You won’t change my mind.”

  “You’re still doing it. Undervaluing yourself. How come my missteps are forgivable and yours aren’t?”

  The question made her uncomfortable. “Mine could come back to bite me.” She hadn’t told him about Dee Dee selling her out. She did now.

  He was shocked, angry and concerned. “Oh, Lily. I’m so sorry.”

  “Me too.” She started playing with the washcloth because his sympathy reawakened the ache of betrayal. “The good news,” she added lightly, “is you won’t be meeting her for a while.”

  He didn’t smile. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

  “Because you had enough on your plate.”

  “You can lean on me, you know that, don’t you?”

  “Of course.” Wanting to change the subject, she rose languorously from the bubbles. His eyes darkened, watching her.

  “You’re trying to distract me,” he accused.

  “No, I’m putting your baby to bed.” And trying to distract you.

  Stepping out of the tub, she dried herself leisurely with the towel.

  “Fine,” he conceded, his voice husky. “You gave me space when I needed it, I’ll return the favor. But the moment I’ve got permanent custody—”

  “And announced Grace is yours.” Sliding a fresh towel off the heated rail, she held out her arms.

  He surrendered his daughter. “And announced Grace is mine.”

  “And the initial fuss has died down.” The infant was all but asleep as Lily swaddled her in the towel.

  “Lily,” he warned.

  She returned a mollifying smile. “Then we’ll go public with our relationship,” she promised, and got a little dizzy.

  “That’s not where I was heading when I suggested we discuss our future.” He cleared his throat. His green gaze was as intense as she’d ever seen it. “Marry me.”

  * * *

  “So I guess you’re expecting me to fall down in gratitude or something.”

  Moss looked at the teenager who stood with her arms folded over her pregnant belly, scowling at him because she didn’t know how to let her guard down.

  “I didn’t come here to see you, but sure, knock yourself out. I’ve always wanted to see what fawning looked like. A half bow? Ushering me to a chair maybe, clearing my path of obstacles?”

  It was hard to hold a frown when you were trying not to smile, and Tania couldn’t manage it. “So you’re not here to check up on me?”

  “No. You said you didn’t want visitors.” He was here to run Lily’s idea of a magazine exclusive by the center’s management. Did they want to be officially associated with the story or just accept the cash? “Both,” Kathy had said. “This place helped me when I was a runaway and I still know some of the staff. But if our paths crossing is a major problem for you, my people can talk to yours and work out an avoidance schedule.”

  “You’re not very cool for a rock star,” Tania said now.

  “I’m sorry. It’s a side effect of turning into a human being.” His crap jokes were working; she’d loosened her defensive stance. “Am I allowed to ask how it’s going?”

  She pulled a face. “I’m going home tomorrow.”

  “You don’t want to?”

  “My stepmom and I don’t get along, but we’re all going to do counseling and shit. She said she wants to try, I s’pose I can try too.” She shrugged to hide her hopefulness. “And I have to think about the baby.”

  A kid having a kid. “Will you go back to school?”

  She shook her head. Clean, her hair was a shiny brown. “There’s this introductory textile course I might do. To see if I enjoy it. After the baby I might get my GED and do more. If I’m smart enough.” She shrugged again. It was clearly her tell for ‘it matters to me but I’m pretending it’s not important.’

  “Lily—the woman who gave you a ride here—got hers last year and now she’s doing a degree in Early Childhood Education. If you like, she can tell you how she did it.”

  “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  “She’ll phone if you give me your number.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Okay,” he said, because you didn’t push these things. “Sounds as if you’ve got a plan. I’m really glad things are working out for you and your baby.”

  “I s’pose I should say thanks.”

  He waited.

  “Bye.” She started out the door.

  Guess that was the thanks. She stopped. Moss extinguished his grin as she turned.

  “Just so you know, I’m not keeping it,” she said awkwardly. “I’m not ready to be a mom and even though Dad says we’ll manage if I do, my stepmom will find it too hard. You probably think I’m a bad person.” Another shrug.

  “No, I think you’re smart and mature and trying to do what’s best for everyone, including your baby.” He could tell by the way her eyes glazed over he was parroting counselor-speak. Even the truth sounded like a platitude with overuse. “I found out I was a dad after I met you,” he heard himself saying. “My baby’s mother died. I considered adoption long and hard before I decided to keep her. I get that you want to give your baby the best shot at a good life.”

  She stared at him. His death stare had nothing on hers.

  “It’s still a secret until I finalize permanent custody,” he added, “so I’d appreciate it if you kept it to yourself.”

  “The thing is, I don’t want to cut off all contact,” she came back. “I’d still want to hear about it, maybe even visit once a year or something. They said I can do that.” She looked at him anxiously.

  He nodded.

  �
��The hardest part is choosing the right family, y’know?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  “I’m looking for people who are normal, but not too straight. Kind. I’ve been looking at files but I’m not feeling it yet.”

  “I found one couple I would have given my daughter to, if I hadn’t decided to keep her. If you’re interested, I’ll ask the agency to forward their file. You can compare it to the others.”

  “Thanks.” They stood looking at each other, loosely bound by a new understanding. Tania spoke first. “So, that woman you were with, when you picked me up.”

  “Lily.” His voice softened on her name. He couldn’t help it.

  “I s’pose you can give her my number.”

  “Okay.” Casually, he pulled out his cell and Tania reeled it off.

  “So is she your girlfriend?”

  “Only temporarily, I hope.”

  “That’s harsh, man.”

  He laughed. “I’ve asked her to marry me. She’s thinking about it.”

  “Is she crazy?” The teen’s dark eyes widened. “What’s to think about?”

  “Thanks.” He hadn’t expected such endorsement.

  “You’re rich!”

  “Thanks,” he repeated dryly. “But what spare cash I have, goes into my career. My prospects are good though.” They were adding more cities to the tour.

  “So she’s waiting to see if you get rich?”

  Lily was waiting until after he got permanent custody of Grace. And released his press statement. And public interest had died down. “And then you’ll say yes?” he’d demanded. She’d gulped and nodded.

  “We’re kinda engaged to be engaged,” he admitted.

  Tania wrinkled her freckled nose. “Sounds lame.”

  Doesn’t it. Lily had won that debate using irrefutable logic. “You don’t have to agree with my decision, you just have to respect it.” As she’d done with Grace.

  “Why don’t we just call her my girlfriend for now?” he suggested. “Incidentally, that’s a secret too.”

  Tania gave him a withering look. “You do realize a secret is something you keep to yourself, right?”