The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

by Branden, Nathaniel

Innovators and creators are persons who can to a higher degree than average accept the condition of aloneness.

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  Having worked for many years with persons who are unhappily preoccupied with the opinions of others, I am persuaded that the most effective means of liberation is by raising the level of consciousness one brings to one’s own experience: The more one turns up the volume on one’s inner signals, the more external signals tend to recede into proper balance. As I wrote in Honoring the Self, this entails learning to listen to the body, learning to listen to the emotions, learning to think for oneself. In subsequent chapters we shall say more about how this can be done.

  Independence

  The alternative to excessive dependence on the feedback and validation of others is a well-developed system of internal support. Then, the source of certainty lies within. The attainment of this state is essential to what I understand as proper human maturity.

  Innovators and creators are persons who can to a higher degree than average accept the condition of aloneness—that is, the absence of supportive feedback from their social environment. They are more willing to follow their vision, even when it takes them far from the mainland of the human community. Unexplored spaces do not frighten them—or not, at any rate, as much as they frighten those around them. This is one of the secrets of their power—the great artists, scientists, inventors, industrialists. Is not the hallmark of entrepreneurship (in art or science no less than in business) the ability to see a possibility that no one else sees—and to actualize it? Actualizing one’s vision may of course require the collaboration of many people able to work together toward a common goal, and the innovator may need to be highly skillful at building bridges between one group and another. But this is a separate story and does not affect my basic point.

  That which we call “genius” has a great deal to do with independence, courage, and daring—a great deal to do with nerve. This is one reason we admire it. In the literal sense, such “nerve” cannot be taught; but we can support the process by which it is learned. If human happiness, well-being, and progress are our goals, it is a trait we must strive to nurture—in our child-rearing practices, in our schools, in our organizations, and first of all in ourselves.

  PART II

  Internal Sources of Self-Esteem

  5

  The Focus on Action

  We begin not with the environment but with the individual. We begin not with what others choose to do but with what the individual chooses to do.

  This requires an explanation. It might appear more logical to start with how the family environment positively or negatively influences the slowly emerging self of the child. Possible biological factors aside, surely this is where the story begins, it would seem. But for our purposes—no.

  We begin by asking, What must an individual do to generate and sustain self-esteem? What pattern of actions must be adopted? What is the responsibility of you and me as adults?

  In answering this, we have a standard by which to answer the question, What must a child learn to do if he or she is to enjoy self-esteem? What is the desirable path of childhood development? And also, What practices should caring parents and teachers seek to evoke, stimulate, and support in children?

  Until we know what practices an individual must master to sustain self-esteem, until we identify what psychologically healthy adulthood consists of, we lack criteria by which to assess what constitutes a favorable or unfavorable childhood influence or experience. For example, we know that, as a species, our mind is our basic tool of survival and of appropriate adaptation. A child’s life begins in a condition of total dependency, but an adult’s life and well-being, from the attainment of the simplest necessities to the most complex values depend on the ability to think. Consequently, we recognize that childhood experiences that encourage and nurture thinking, self-trust, and autonomy are to be valued. We recognize that families in which reality is often denied and consciousness often punished place devastating obstacles to self-esteem; they create a nightmare world in which the child may feel that thinking is not only futile but dangerous.

  In approaching the roots of self-esteem, why do we put our focus on practices, that is, on (mental or physical) actions? The answer is that every value pertaining to life requires action to be achieved, sustained, or enjoyed. In Ayn Rand’s definition, life is a process of self-generated and self-sustaining action. The organs and systems within our body support our existence by continuous action. We pursue and maintain our values in the world through action. As I discuss in some detail in The Psychology of Self-Esteem, it is in the very nature of a value that it is the object of an action. And this includes the value of self-esteem.

  * * *

  What determines the level of self-esteem is what the individual does.

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  If a child grows up in an appropriately nurturing home environment, the likelihood is increased that he or she will learn the actions that support self-esteem (although there is no guarantee). If a child is exposed to the right kind of teachers, the likelihood is increased that self-esteem-supporting behaviors will be learned. If a person experiences successful psychotherapy, in which irrational fears are dissolved and blocks to effective functioning are removed, a consequence is that he or she will manifest more of the kind of actions that support self-esteem. But it is a person’s actions that are decisive. What determines the level of self-esteem is what the individual does, within the context of his or her knowledge and values. And since action in the world is a reflection of action within the mind of the individual, it is the internal processes that are crucial.

  We shall see that “the six pillars of self-esteem”—the practices indispensable to the health of the mind and the effective functioning of the person—are all operations of consciousness. All involve choices. They are choices that confront us every hour of our existence.

  Note that “practice” has connotations that are relevant here. A “practice” implies a discipline of acting in a certain way over and over again—consistently. It is not action by fits and starts, or even an appropriate response to a crisis. Rather it is a way of operating day by day, in big issues and small, a way of behaving that is also a way of being.

  Volition and Its Limits

  Free will does not mean omnipotence. Volition is a powerful force in our lives, but it is not the only force. Neither for a young person nor for an adult is our freedom absolute and unlimited. Many factors can make the appropriate exercise of consciousness easier or harder. Some of these factors may be genetic, biological. Focused thinking may come more easily to some individuals than to others because of factors that precede any life experiences. There is reason to suspect that we may come into this world with certain inherent differences that may make it easier or harder to attain healthy self-esteem—differences pertaining to energy, resilience, disposition to enjoy life, and the like. Furthermore, we may come into this world with significant differences in our predisposition to experience anxiety or depression, and these differences again may make it easier or harder to develop self-esteem.

  Then there are developmental factors. The environment can support and encourage the healthy assertion of consciousness, or it can oppose and undermine it. Many individuals suffer so much damage in the early years, before the self is fully formed, that it is all but impossible for healthy self-esteem to emerge later without intense psychotherapy.

  Parenting and Its Limits

  Research suggests that one of the best ways to have good self-esteem is to have parents who have good self-esteem and who model it, as is made clear in Stanley Coopersmith’s The Antecedents of Self-Esteem. In addition, if we have parents who raise us with love and respect; who allow us to experience consistent and benevolent acceptance; who give us the supporting structure of reasonable rules and appropriate expectations; who do not assail us with contradictions; who do not resort to ridicule, humiliation, or physical abuse as means of controlling us; who project that they believe in
our competence and goodness—we have a decent chance of internalizing their attitudes and thereby of acquiring the foundation for healthy self-esteem. But no research study has ever found this result to be inevitable. Coopersmith’s study, for one, clearly shows that it is not. There are people who appear to have been raised superbly by the standards indicated above and yet are insecure, self-doubting adults. And there are people who have emerged from appalling backgrounds, raised by adults who did everything wrong, and yet they do well in school, form stable and satisfying relationships, have a powerful sense of their value and dignity, and as adults satisfy any rational criterion of good self-esteem. As children, these individuals seem to know how to extract nourishment from an environment that others find hopelessly barren; they find water where others see only a desert. Baffled psychologists and psychiatrists sometimes describe this group as “the invulnerables.”1

  Nonetheless, it is safe enough to say that if one lives in a sane human environment in which reality is respected and people’s behavior is congruent, it is far easier to persevere in efforts to be rational and productive than if the signals are always switching, nothing seems real, facts are denied, and consciousness is penalized. Families that create such destructive environments are described as dysfunctional. Just as there are dysfunctional families, there are dysfunctional schools and dysfunctional organizations. They are dysfunctional because they place obstacles in the path of the appropriate exercise of mind.

  Inner Blocks

  Within an individual’s psyche itself, there may be obstructions to thinking. Subconscious defenses and blocks may make us oblivious even to the need to think about a particular issue. Consciousness is a continuum; it exists on many levels. An unresolved problem at one level may subvert operations at another. For example, if I block my feelings about my parents—if I cut off access to those feelings through denial, disowning, and repression—and then try to think about my relationship with my boss, I may have disconnected myself from so much pertinent material that I can easily become muddled and discouraged and give up. Or, if I block major negative feelings about some assignment my manager has given me and find that my interactions with my team are persistently and mysteriously abrasive, I may experience great difficulty in thinking how to resolve the abrasiveness as long as I remain unconscious of the deeper source of the disturbance. Even so, my self-esteem will be affected by whether I try to bring consciousness to my problem.

  What We Do Know

  While we may not know all the biological or developmental factors that influence self-esteem, we know a good deal about the specific (volitional) practices that can raise or lower it. We know that an honest commitment to understanding inspires self-trust and that an avoidance of the effort has the opposite effect. We know that people who live mindfully feel more competent than those who live mindlessly. We know that integrity engenders self-respect and that hypocrisy does not. We “know” all this implicitly, although it is astonishing how rarely such matters are discussed (by professionals or anyone else).

  As adults, we cannot regrow ourselves, cannot relive our childhoods with different parents. We may, of course, need to consider psychotherapy. But that option aside, we can ask: What can I do today to raise the level of my self-esteem?

  We will see that, whatever our histories, if we understand the nature of self-esteem and the practices it depends on, most of us can do a great deal. This knowledge is important for two reasons. First, if we wish to work on our own self-esteem, we need to know what specific practices have the power to raise it. Second, if we are working with others and wish to support their self-esteem, to inspire and bring out the best in them, we need to know what specific practices we aim to nurture or facilitate.

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  We must become what we wish to teach.

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  As an aside to parents, teachers, psychotherapists, and managers who may be reading this book to gain insight on how to support the self-esteem of others, I want to say that the place to begin is still with oneself. If one does not understand how the dynamics of self-esteem work internally—if one does not know by direct experience what lowers or raises one’s own self-esteem—one will not have that intimate understanding of the subject necessary to make an optimal contribution to others. Also, the unresolved issues within oneself set the limits of one’s effectiveness in helping others. It may be tempting, but it is self-deceiving to believe that what one says can communicate more powerfully than what one manifests in one’s person. We must become what we wish to teach.

  There is a story I like to tell psychotherapy students. In India, when a family encounters a problem, they are not likely to consult a psychotherapist (hardly any are available); they consult the local guru. In one village there was a wise man who had helped this family more than once. One day the father and mother came to him, bringing their nine-year-old son, and the father said, “Master, our son is a wonderful boy and we love him very much. But he has a terrible problem, a weakness for sweets that is ruining his teeth and health. We have reasoned with him, argued with him, pleaded with him, chastised him—nothing works. He goes on consuming ungodly quantities of sweets. Can you help us?” To the father’s surprise, the guru answered, “Go away and come back in two weeks.” One does not argue with a guru, so the family obeyed. Two weeks later they faced him again, and the guru said, “Good. Now we can proceed.” The father asked, “Won’t you tell us, please, why you sent us away for two weeks. You have never done that before.” And the guru answered, “I needed the two weeks because I, too, have had a lifelong weakness for sweets. Until I had confronted and resolved that issue within myself, I was not ready to deal with your son.”

  Not all psychotherapists like this story.

  Sentence-Completion Work

  In the course of this book I give many examples of how sentence-completion exercises can be used to strengthen self-esteem. Sentence-completion work is a tool both of therapy and of research. Having begun working with it in 1970, I have found increasingly more extensive and illuminating ways to use it to facilitate self-understanding, melt repressive barriers, liberate self-expression, activate self-healing—and continually test and retest my own hypotheses. The essence of the method is that the client (or subject) is given a sentence stem, an incomplete sentence, and asked to repeat the stem over and over again, each time providing a different ending. Then another stem is given, and then another, allowing one to explore a particular area at deeper and deeper levels. This work may be done verbally or in writing.

  Sentence-completion work plays a vital role in determining what things people do that raise or lower self-esteem. When certain patterns of endings show up again and again with different kinds of populations in different parts of the country and in different countries throughout the world, it is clear that fundamental realities are being illuminated.

  In the chapters that follow I include many examples of the kind of sentence completions I use, for two reasons. One is to give readers an opportunity to carry the work further themselves if they wish to integrate the ideas of “the six practices” into their daily lives. The other is to provide a means by which psychologists and psychiatrists can test out the ideas of this book and see for themselves whether I have in fact identified the most important behaviors on which self-esteem depends.

  The Six Practices

  Since self-esteem is a consequence, a product of internally generated practices, we cannot work on self-esteem directly, neither our own nor anyone else’s. We must address ourselves to the source. If we understand what these practices are, we can commit to initiating them within ourselves and to dealing with others in such a way as to facilitate or encourage them to do likewise. To encourage self-esteem in the schools or in the workplace, for instance, is to create a climate that supports and reinforces the practices that strengthen self-esteem.

  What then, in briefest essence, does healthy self-esteem depend on? What are the practices of which I speak? I will name six that are demonstrabl
y crucial. Working with people in psychotherapy to build self-efficacy and self-respect, I am persuaded for reasons I shall explain that these are the key issues. I have found no others of comparable fundamentality. That is why I call them “the six pillars of self-esteem.” It will not be difficult to see why any improvements in these practices generate unmistakable benefits.

  Once we understand these practices, we have the power to choose them, to work on integrating them into our way of life. The power to do so is the power to raise the level of our self-esteem, from whatever point we may be starting and however difficult the project may be in the early stages.

  One does not have to attain “perfection” in these practices. One only needs to raise one’s average level of performance to experience growth in self-efficacy and self-respect. I have often witnessed the most extraordinary changes in people’s lives as a result of relatively small improvements in these practices. In fact, I encourage clients to think in terms of small steps rather than big ones because big ones can intimidate (and paralyze), while small ones seem more attainable, and one small step leads to another.

  Here are the six pillars of self-esteem:

  The practice of living consciously

  The practice of self-acceptance

  The practice of self-responsibility

  The practice of self-assertiveness

  The practice of living purposefully

  The practice of personal integrity

  In the next six chapters we shall examine each of them in turn.