The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
Page 11
Consciousness and the Body
It was the achievement of Wilhelm Reich to bring the body into psychotherapy—in other words, to make clinicians aware that when feelings and emotions are blocked and repressed, the process of implementation is physical: Breathing is restricted and muscles are contracted. When this happens repeatedly, the blocks become part of the body structure—“the body armor,” in Reich’s phrase—and what began as the psychological becomes somaticized. Breathing may be so habitually shallow and muscles so little contracted that the flow of feeling is obstructed and consciousness is diminished accordingly. When body therapists work to release the breathing and open areas of tight muscular contraction, the person feels more and is more aware. Body work can liberate blocked consciousness.
This is true in all the schools of body work that have gone beyond Reich to a more advanced understanding of the interactions between psyche and soma. Freeing the body contributes to freeing the mind.
In the early 1970s I went through a program of “rolfing” (named after founder Ida Rolf), more formally called “structural integration.” This process involves deep massage and manipulation of the muscle fascia to realign the body in more appropriate relation to gravity, to correct imbalances caused by entrenched muscular contractions, and to open areas of blocked feeling and energy.
I was fascinated by the response of my clients. Many said they saw changes, week by week: I became more sensitive and more perceptive in my work. As my own body seemed to open to me and somehow to become more “available,” I found that I could more expertly “read” the bodies of others. I saw how a client was sitting, standing, or moving, and I instantly knew volumes about his or her inner life. Spontaneously I had shifted to a much higher level of consciousness in my work through a process that began as increased consciousness of my own body.
When I reported this enthusiastically to the man who was rolfing me, he said that not everyone had that experience and that it was the result not of the rolfing alone but also of the high level of awareness with which I participated in the process. “It’s like psychotherapy,” he explained. “Clients who bring a lot of consciousness to the work do better than clients who are more passive, who just show up and expect the therapist to do everything.”
The point I am making is that if one’s goal is to operate at a high level of consciousness, a body armored against feeling is a serious impediment.
Sentence Completions to Facilitate the Art of Living Consciously
Sentence-completion work is a deceptively simple yet uniquely powerful tool for raising self-understanding, self-esteem, and personal effectiveness. It rests on the premise that all of us have more knowledge than we normally are aware of—more wisdom than we use, more potentials than typically show up in our behavior. Sentence completion is a tool for accessing and activating these “hidden resources.”
Sentence completion can be used in many ways. Here I will describe a way I find particularly effective.
The essence of this procedure is to write an incomplete sentence, a sentence stem, and to keep adding different endings—the sole requirement being that each ending be a grammatical completion of the sentence. We want a minimum of six endings.
We should work as rapidly as possible—no pauses to “think,” inventing if we get stuck, without worrying if any particular ending is true, reasonable, or significant. Any ending is fine, just keep going.
When doing sentence completion this way, we work with a notebook, typewriter, or computer. (An acceptable alternative is to do the sentence completions into a tape recorder, in which case you keep repeating the stem into a recorder, each time completing it with a difference ending. You play the work back later to reflect on it.)
Sentence-completion work can be used for many different purposes. Some of them will be examined in the course of this book. Right now, how might we use the technique to facilitate the process of learning to live more consciously?
First thing in the morning, before proceeding to the day’s business, sit down and write the following stem:
Living consciously to me means—
Then, as rapidly as possible, without pausing for reflection, write as many endings for that sentence as you can in two or three minutes (never fewer than six, but ten is enough). Do not worry if your endings are literally true, make sense, or are “profound.” Write anything, but write something.
Then, go on to the next stem:
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my activities today—
(Why only 5 percent? Let us proceed in small, nonintimidating, “bite-size chews.” Besides, most of the time 5 percent is plenty!)
Then:
If I pay more attention to how I deal with people today—
Then:
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my most important relationships—
Then:
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to (fill in a particular problem you are concerned about—for example, your relationship with someone, or a barrier you’ve hit at work, or your feelings of anxiety or depression)—
When you are finished, proceed with your day’s business.
At the end of the day, as your last task before dinner, do six to ten endings each for the following stems:
When I reflect on how I would feel if I lived more consciously—
When I reflect what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to my activities—
When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to my most important relationships—
When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to (whatever you’ve filled in)—
Do this exercise every day, Monday through Friday for the first week.
Do not read what you wrote the day before. Naturally there will be many repetitions. But also, new endings will inevitably occur. You are energizing all of your psyche to work for you.
Sometime each weekend, reread what you have written for the week, and then write a minimum of six endings for this stem:
If any of what I wrote this week is true, it would be helpful if I—
In doing this work, the ideal is to empty your mind of any expectations concerning what will happen or what is “supposed” to happen. Do not impose any demands on the situation. Try to empty your mind of expectations. Do the exercise, go about your day’s activities, and merely notice any differences in how you feel or how you operate. You will discover that you have set in motion forces that make it virtually impossible for you to avoid operating more consciously.
An average session should not take longer than ten minutes. If it takes much longer, you are “thinking” (rehearsing, calculating) too much.
Notice that the second set of stems of the day relate to the morning’s work. I call this the “bookend” approach to sentence completion. The knowledge that those stems are waiting to be completed later in the day energizes the motivation to be more conscious throughout the day.
The technique can be thought of as a procedure for learning to manage our attention—more broadly, to manage the mind’s “spontaneous” activities. There is a discipline to maintaining good self-esteem. And the foundation is the discipline of consciousness itself. This is what the technique aims to assist and support.
After you have worked with the above stems for, say, two weeks, you acquire a sense of how the procedure works. Then you can begin to use other stems to help raise your awareness with regard to particular issues of concern. For example:
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to when I am mentally active and when I am mentally passive, I might see that—
(Evening stem: When I notice what happens when I… etc.)
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with (fill in a name)—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my insecurities—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my depression—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my concern about (fill it in)—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my needs and wants—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my deepest values and goals—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my emotions—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my priorities—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to how I sometimes stand in my own way—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to the outcomes of my actions—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to how I sometimes make it difficult for people to give me what I want—
A few career-oriented stems:
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to what my job requires of me—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to what I know about being an effective manager—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to what I know about making sales—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to what I know about appropriate delegating—
A few stems to explore “resistance”:
If I imagine bringing more consciousness into my life—
The scary thing about being more conscious might be—
If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my fear of operating more consciously—
I trust this is sufficient to make clear that the possibilities are almost inexhaustible. In each of the above examples, the corresponding evening stem is obvious.
In addition to my psychotherapy practice, I conduct weekly ongoing self-esteem groups where many of my self-esteem-building strategies are continually tested. Homework assignments using exercises such as the above have proven to be powerful in quietly and gently generating change. No one has ever done this particular “consciousness exercise” for a month or two without reporting (and showing signs of) operating at a higher level of awareness in the conduct of daily life. The exercise is adrenaline shot into the psyche.
A Challenge
Living consciously is both a practice and a mind-set, an orientation toward life. Clearly it exists on a continuum. No one lives entirely unconsciously. No one is incapable of expanding his or her consciousness.
If we reflect on this issue, we will notice that we tend to be more conscious in some areas of our life than in others. I have worked with athletes and dancers who are exquisitely aware of the slightest nuances within their body, as far as nerves, muscles, and blood flow are concerned—and yet who are quite unaware of the meaning of many of their emotions. We all know people who are brilliantly conscious in the area of work and are catastrophes of unconsciousness in their personal relationships.
* * *
We tend to be more conscious in some areas of our life than in others.
* * *
The ways we know what area of our life needs more awareness are usually fairly obvious. We look at the area where our life is working least satisfactorily. We notice where the pains and frustrations are. We observe where we feel least effective. If we are willing to be honest, this is not a difficult task. Some of us may need to bring more awareness to the territory of our basic material needs. Others need more focus on relationships. Others need more focus on intellectual development. Others need to examine unexplored possibilities of creativity and achievement. Others need more concern with spiritual growth. Which need requires priority is a function of where we are in our overall evolution, and also of our objective circumstances. Context determines appropriateness.
Let us suppose that, meditating on the material in this chapter, you identify the areas in your life where you are at your most conscious and also the areas where you are at your least conscious. The next step is to reflect on what seems to be difficult about staying in high-level mental focus in the troublesome areas. Sentence-completion work can help. For example:
The hard thing about staying fully conscious here is—
Write six to ten endings as quickly as you can. Then try:
The good thing about not being fully conscious here is—
Then try:
If I were to stay more conscious here—
Then:
If I were to experiment with raising my consciousness 5 percent in this area—
(Remember the principle of “bite-size chews.”)
Right now, before checking what sentence-completion work can accomplish, you might find it stimulating to consider the following questions:
If you choose to be more conscious at work, what might you do differently?
If you choose to be more conscious in your most important relationships, what might you do differently?
If you choose to pay more attention to how you deal with people—associates, employees, customers, spouse, children, or friends—what might you do differently?
If you feel fear or reluctance to expand consciousness in any of these areas, what are the imagined negatives you are avoiding?
If, without self-reproach, you bring more consciousness to your fears or reluctance, what might you notice?
If you wanted to feel more powerful and effective in the areas where your consciousness has been less than it needs to be, what are you willing to do?
The practice of living consciously is the first pillar of self-esteem.
7
The Practice of Self-Acceptance
Without self-acceptance, self-esteem is impossible.
In fact, it is so intimately bound up with self-esteem that one sometimes sees the two ideas confused. Yet they are different in meaning, and each needs to be understood in its own right.
Whereas self-esteem is something we experience, self-acceptance is something we do.
Stated in the negative, self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself.
The concept has three levels of meaning, and we will consider each of them in turn.
The First Level
To be self-accepting is to be on my own side—to be for myself. In the most fundamental sense, self-acceptance refers to an orientation of self-value and self-commitment that derives from the fact that I am alive and conscious. As such, it is more primitive than self-esteem. It is a prerational, premoral act of self-affirmation—a kind of natural egoism that is the birthright of every human being and yet that we have the power to act against and nullify.
Some people are self-rejecting at so deep a level that no growth work can even begin until and unless this problem is addressed. If it is not, no treatment will hold, no new learning will be properly integrated, no significant advances can be made. Psychotherapists who do not understand this problem or do not detect its presence will be baffled as to why certain clients, even after years of therapy, show no important improvement.
* * *
Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself.
* * *
An attitude of basic self-acceptance is what an effective psychotherapist strives to awaken in a person of even the lowest self-esteem. This attitude can inspire an individual to face whatever he or she most needs to encounter within without collapsing into self-hatred, repudiating the value of his or her person, or relinquishing the will to live. It entails the declaration: “I choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist.” This primary act of self-affirmation is the base on which self-esteem develops.
It can lie sleeping and then suddenly awake. It can fight for our life, even when we are filled with despair. When we are on the brink of suicide, it can make us pick up the telephone and call for help. From the depths of anxiety or depression, it can lead us to the office of a psychotherapist. After we have endured years of abuse and humiliation, it can fling us finally into shouting “No!” When all we want to do is lie down and die, it can impel us to keep moving. It is the voice of the life force. It is “selfishness,” in the noblest meaning of that word. If it goes silent, self-esteem is the first casualty.
The Second Level
Self-acceptance entails o
ur willingness to experience—that is, to make real to ourselves, without denial or evasion—that we think what we think, feel what we feel, desire what we desire, have done what we have done, and are what we are. It is the refusal to regard any part of ourselves—our bodies, our emotions, our thoughts, our actions, our dreams—as alien, as “not me.” It is our willingness to experience rather than to disown whatever may be the facts of our being at a particular moment—to think our thoughts, own our feelings, be present to the reality of our behavior.
The willingness to experience and accept our feelings carries no implication that emotions are to have the last word on what we do. I may not be in the mood to work today; I can acknowledge my feelings, experience them, accept them—and then go to work. I will work with a clearer mind because I have not begun the day with self-deception.
Often, when we fully experience and accept negative feelings, we are able to let go of them; they have been allowed to have their say and they relinquish center stage.
Self-acceptance is the willingness to say of any emotion or behavior, “This is an expression of me, not necessarily an expression I like or admire, but an expression of me nonetheless, at least at the time it occurred.” It is the virtue of realism, that is, of respect for reality, applied to the self.
If I am thinking these disturbing thoughts, I am thinking them; I accept the full reality of my experience. If I am feeling pain or anger or fear or inconvenient lust, I am feeling it—what is true, is true—I do not rationalize, deny, or attempt to explain away. I am feeling what I am feeling and I accept the reality of my experience. If I have taken actions of which I am later ashamed, the fact remains that I have taken them—that is reality—and I do not twist my brain to make facts disappear. I am willing to stand still in the presence of what I know to be true. What is, is.