The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

by Branden, Nathaniel

  If I bring more awareness to my dealings with people today—

  If I commit to dealing with people fairly and benevolently—

  WEEK 4

  If I bring a higher level of self-esteem to my activities today—

  If I bring a higher level of self-esteem to my dealings with people today—

  If I am 5 percent more self-accepting today—

  If I am self-accepting even when I make mistakes—

  If I am self-accepting even when I feel confused and overwhelmed—

  WEEK 5

  If I am more accepting of my body—

  If I deny and disown my body—

  If I deny or disown my conflicts—

  If I am more accepting of all the parts of me—

  WEEK 6

  If I wanted to raise my self-esteem today, I could—

  If I am more accepting of my feelings—

  If I deny and disown my feelings—

  If I am more accepting of my thoughts—

  If I deny and disown my thoughts—

  WEEK 7

  If I am more accepting of my fears—

  If I deny and disown my fears—

  If I were more accepting of my pain—

  If I deny and disown my pain—

  WEEK 8

  If I am more accepting of my anger—

  If I deny and disown my anger—

  If I am more accepting of my sexuality—

  If I deny and disown my sexuality—

  WEEK 9

  If I am more accepting of my excitement—

  If I deny and disown my excitement—

  If I am more accepting of my intelligence—

  If I deny and disown my intelligence—

  WEEK 10

  If I am more accepting of my joy—

  If I deny and disown my joy—

  If I bring more awareness to all the parts of me—

  As I learn to accept all of who I am—

  WEEK 11

  Self-responsibility to me means—

  If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my life and well-being—

  If I avoid responsibility for my life and well-being—

  If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my goals—

  If I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals—

  WEEK 12

  If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the success of my relationships—

  Sometimes I keep myself passive when I—

  Sometimes I make myself helpless when I—

  I am becoming aware—

  WEEK 13

  If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my standard of living—

  If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my choice of companions—

  If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my personal happiness—

  If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the level of my self-esteem—

  WEEK 14

  Self-assertiveness to me means—

  If I lived 5 percent more assertively today—

  If I treat my thoughts and feelings with respect today—

  If I treat my wants with respect today—

  WEEK 15

  If (when I was young) someone had told me my wants really mattered—

  If (when I was young) I had been taught to honor my own life—

  If I treat my life as unimportant—

  If I were willing to say yes when I want to say yes and no when I want to say no—

  If I were willing to let people hear the music inside me—

  If I were to express 5 percent more of who I am—

  WEEK 16

  Living purposefully to me means—

  If I bring 5 percent more purposefulness into my life—

  If I operate 5 percent more purposefully at work—

  If I operate 5 percent more purposefully in my relationships—

  If I operate 5 percent more purposefully in marriage—[if applicable]

  WEEK 17

  If I operate 5 percent more purposefully with my children—[if applicable]

  If I were 5 percent more purposeful about my deepest yearnings—

  If I take more responsibility for fulfilling my wants—

  If I make my happiness a conscious goal—

  WEEK 18

  Integrity to me means—

  If I look at instances where I find full integrity difficult—

  If I bring 5 percent more integrity into my life—

  If I bring 5 percent more integrity to my work—

  WEEK 19

  If I bring 5 percent more integrity to my relationships—

  If I remain loyal to the values I believe are right—

  If I refuse to live by values I do not respect—

  If I treat my self-respect as a high priority—

  WEEK 20

  If the child in me could speak, he/she would say—

  If the teenager I once was still exists inside me—

  If my teenage-self could speak he/she would say—

  At the thought of reaching back to help my child-self—

  At the thought of reaching back to help my teenage-self—

  If I could make friends with my younger selves—

  Note: For a more detailed discussion of how to work with integrating your younger selves, please consult How to Raise Your Self-Esteem

  WEEK 21

  If my child-self felt accepted by me—

  If my teenage-self felt I was on his/her side—

  If my younger selves felt I had compassion for their struggles—

  If I could hold my child-self in my arms—

  If I could hold my teenage-self in my arms—

  If I had the courage and compassion to embrace and love my younger selves—

  WEEK 22

  Sometimes my child-self feels rejected by me when I—

  Sometimes my teenage-self feels rejected by me when I—

  One of the things my child-self needs from me and rarely gets is—

  One of the things my teenage-self needs from me and hasn’t gotten is—

  One of the ways my child-self gets back at me for rejecting him/her is—

  One of the ways my teenage-self gets back at me for rejecting him/her is—

  WEEK 23

  At the thought of giving my child-self what he/she needs from me—

  At the thought of giving my teenage-self what he/she needs from me—

  If my child-self and I were to fall in love—

  If my teenage-self and I were to fall in love—

  WEEK 24

  If I accept that my child-self may need time to learn to trust me—

  If I accept that my teenage-self may need time to learn to trust me—

  As I come to understand that my child-self and my teenage-self are both part of me—

  I am becoming aware—

  WEEK 25

  Sometimes when I am afraid I—

  Sometimes when I am hurt I—

  Sometimes when I am angry I—

  An effective way to handle fear might be to—

  An effective way to handle hurt might be to—

  An effective way to handle anger might be to—

  WEEK 26

  Sometimes when I am excited I—

  Sometimes when I am turned on sexually I—

  Sometimes when I experience strong feelings I—

  If I make friends with my excitement—

  If I make friends with my sexuality—

  As I grow more comfortable with the full range of my emotions—

  WEEK 27

  If I think about becoming better friends with my child-self—

  If I think about becoming better friends with my teenage-self—

  As my younger selves become more comfortable with me—

  As I create a safe space for my child-self—

  As I create a safe space for my teenage-self—

  WEEK 28

  Mother
gave me a view of myself as—

  Father gave me a view of myself as—

  Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself—

  Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself—

  WEEK 29

  If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother—

  If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father—

  If I look at my mother and father realistically—

  If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship to my mother—

  If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father—

  WEEK 30

  At the thought of being free of Mother, psychologically—

  At the thought of being free of Father, psychologically—

  At the thought of belonging fully to myself—

  If my life really does belong to me—

  If I really am capable of independent survival—

  WEEK 31

  If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my life—

  If I am 5 percent more self-accepting—

  If I bring 5 percent more self-responsibility to my life—

  If I operate 5 percent more self-assertively—

  If I live my life 5 percent more purposefully—

  If I bring 5 percent more integrity to my life—

  If I breathe deeply and allow myself to experience what self-esteem feels like—

  Let us imagine that you have now completed this thirty-one-week program—once. If you have found it helpful, do it again. It will be a new experience for you. Some of my clients go through this program three or four times, always with new results, always with growth in self-esteem.

  APPENDIX C:

  Recommendations for Further Study

  The central focus of my work has been the study of self-esteem, its role in human life, and, most particularly, its impact on work and love. If you have found the work you have just read of value, then the following works are suggested for further reading.

  The Psychology of Self-Esteem. This is my first major theoretical exploration and overview of the entire field. Unlike my later books, it puts heavy emphasis on the philosophical foundations of my work. It deals with such questions as: What is the meaning—and justification—of the idea of free will? What is the relation of reason and emotion? How do rationality and integrity relate to self-esteem? Which moral values support self-esteem and which undermine it? Why is self-esteem the key to motivation?

  Breaking Free. This is an exploration of the childhood origins of negative self-concepts, dramatized through a series of vignettes taken from my clinical practice. Through these stories we see in what ways adults can adversely affect the development of a child’s self-esteem. Indirectly, therefore, the book is a primer on the art of child-rearing.

  The Disowned Self. This book examines the painful and widespread problem of self-alienation, in which the individual is out of touch with his or her inner world, and indicates pathways to recovery. This book has proven especially helpful for adult children of dysfunctional families. It takes a fresh look at the relation of reason and emotion that goes beyond my earlier treatment of the subject in its scope and depth. Demonstrating how and why self-acceptance is essential to healthy self-esteem, it points the way to the harmonious integration of thought and feeling.

  The Psychology of Romantic Love. In this book I explore the nature and meaning of romantic love, its difference from other kinds of love, its historical development, and its special challenges in the modern world. It addresses such questions as: What is love? Why is love born? Why does it sometimes flourish? Why does it sometimes die?

  What Love Asks of Us. Originally published as The Romantic Love Question-and-Answer Book, this revised and expanded edition, written with my wife and colleague, Devers Branden, addresses the questions we hear most often from those struggling with the practical challenges of making love work. It covers a wide range of topics, from the importance of autonomy in relationships, to the art of effective communication, to conflict-resolution skills, to dealing with jealousy and infidelity, to coping with the special challenges of children and in-laws, to surviving the loss of love.

  Honoring the Self. Again returning to the nature of self-esteem and its role in our existence, this book is less philosophical than The Psychology of Self-Esteem and more developmental in its focus. It looks at how the self emerges, evolves, and moves through progressively higher stages of individuation. It explores what adults can do to raise the level of their own self-esteem. It examines the psychology of guilt. It addresses the relationship between self-esteem and productive work. It upholds a morality of enlightened self-interest and challenges the traditional notion that self-sacrifice is the essence of virtue.

  If You Could Hear What I Cannot Say. This is a workbook. It teaches the fundamentals of my sentence-completion technique and how it can be used by a person working alone for self-exploration, self-understanding, self-healing, and personal growth.

  The Art of Self-Discovery. This book carries further the work of the preceding volume on sentence completion and self-exploration. Originally published as To See What I See and Know What I Know, this revised and expanded edition also provides counselors and psychotherapists with tools to be utilized in their own clinical practice.

  How to Raise Your Self-Esteem. The purpose here is to provide the reader with specific strategies for building self-esteem. The discussion is more concrete than in my earlier writings, more action oriented. It is addressed equally to people working on their own development and to parents, teachers, and psychotherapists who are invited to experiment with the techniques.

  Judgment Day: My Years with Ayn Rand. This investigative memoir tells the story of my personal and intellectual development, including the rises and falls and rises of my own self-esteem, through my relationship with three women, of which the centerpiece is my relationship with novelist-philosopher Ayn Rand (The Fountainhead, Atlas Shrugged). It describes the extraordinary contexts in which I came upon some of my most important psychological ideas, including my first understanding, at the age of twenty-four, of the supreme importance of self-esteem to human well-being.

  The Power of Self-Esteem. A brief distillation of my key ideas in this field, this book is intended as a basic introduction.

  Through the Branden Institute for Self-Esteem in Los Angeles, we offer psychotherapy and family counseling; conduct ongoing self-esteem groups; give lectures, seminars and workshops; do management consulting; create self-esteem/high-performance programs for organizations; and offer telephone counseling with individual and corporate clients.

  For information, write to:

  The Branden Institute for Self-Esteem

  P.O. Box 1530

  Beverly Hills, California 90213

  Telephone: (310) 274-6361 Fax: (310) 271-6808

  References

  Chapter 1:

  Self-Esteem: The Immune System of Consciousness

  1 L. E. Sandelands, J. Brockner, and M. A. Glynn (1988) “If at first you don’t succeed, try again: Effects of Persistence-performance contingencies, ego-involvement, and self-esteem on task-performance.” Journal of Applied Psychology, 73, 208–216.

  2 E. Paul Torrance. The Creative Child and Adult Quarterly, VIII, 1983.

  3 Abraham Maslow. Toward a Psychology of Being. New York: Van Nostrand Reinhold, 1968.

  4 Fortune, December 17, 1990.

  5 T. George Harris. The Era of Conscious Choice. Encyclopedia Britannica Book of the Year, 1973.

  Chapter 5:

  The Focus on Action

  1 See, for instance, The Invulnerable Child, a collection of studies edited by E. James Anthony and Bertram J. Cohler. New York: The Guilford Press, 1987.

  Chapter 13:

  Nurturing a Child’s Self-Esteem

  1 For detailed discussions of this principle, see the books of Haim Ginott: Between Parent and Child; Between Parent and Teenager; and Teache
r and Child. All are published by Avon.

  Chapter 14:

  Self-Esteem in the Schools

  1 Personal communication with Robert Reasoner.

  2 George Land and Beth Jarman. Breakpoint and Beyond. New York: Harper Business, 1992.

  3 Jane Bluestein. 21st Century Discipline. Jefferson City, Mo.: Scholastic Inc., 1988.

  4 Robert Reasoner. Building Self-Esteem: A Comprehensive Program for Schools, rev. ed. Palo Alto: Consulting Psychologists Press, 1992.

  5 Ibid.

  6 Ibid.

  7 Personal communication with Kenneth Miller.

  8 Jane Bluestein. 21st Century Discipline. Jefferson City, Mo.: Scholastic Inc., 1988.

  9 Howard Gardner. The Unschooled Mind: How Children Think and How Schools Should Teach. New York: Basic Books, 1992.

  10 Howard Gardner. “What Parents Can Do to Help Their Kids Learn Better.” Bottom Line, June 1992.

  11 For information about Constance Dembrowsky’s program Personal and Social Responsibility, contact the Institute for Effective Skill Development, P.O. Box 880, La Luz, NM 88337.

  Chapter 15:

  Self-Esteem and Work

  1 Quoted in The Economist, December 1, 1990.

  2 See my Honoring the Self. New York: Bantam Books, 1984.

  3 Michael Dertouzos, Richard K. Lester, Robert M. Solow, and the MIT Commission on Industrial Productivity. Made in America. Cambridge: MIT Press, 1989.