Signed, Sealed and Dead

by Carolyn Ridder Aspenson

  “Now don’t go telling your momma that. You know she’ll pitch a fit if she thinks I replaced her cooking.”

  “Hey, she’s the one that up and deserted me. You’re here. Tell her to do the math.”

  “Bless her heart, she raised a sassy one, didn’t she?”

  I laughed. “Just like herself, and she’d say the same thing.”

  “You two going to the meetin’ tonight?”

  “We are, and we’re waiting on our army to show up and come with us.”

  Millie flicked her eyes to the entrance to her café. “Looks like you’re done waiting.”

  Bonnie busted through the door in her standard potato sack dress, a pale pink and light red floral print, and a southern hat straight out of the 80s. A classic dyed white, straw styled beauty with silk flowers in pinks and reds sticking right out of the front for the whole world to see. A doozy of a looker, that was for sure. The whole county would see her coming from Highway 75 in Atlanta if they looked.

  “Oh my. Looks like Bonnie went to Walmart today and done and let someone throw up on her head when she got there,” Millie said.

  “Hush.” I giggled under my breath.

  “When we’re older, don’t ever let me leave the house like that.” Belle kicked me under the table. “Promise.”

  “I cannot make that promise.”

  “You’re a horrible friend.”

  Henrietta came in behind Billy Ray and Old Man Goodson. I made the assumption that meant Old Man Goodson was her man of choice for the evening, but one could never be sure, so I didn’t assume that out loud.

  “Hey y’all. You ready for the big party?” Bonnie asked.

  “It ain’t no party, you big ninnie. This is war. They’re going after our Lily and the sheriff. We got to be prepared for battle,” Henrietta said.

  “I think Bonnie’s prepared for battle just fine,” Belle said.

  I kicked her under the table.

  “Ouch.”

  “I said hush, and you didn’t hush.”

  “Technically, you said hush to Millie, and for the record, I was complimenting her.”

  “Underhandedly.”

  “A compliment’s a compliment.”

  “You ain’t prepared for no battle. You’re prepared for Sunday supper at the Golden Corral,” Henrietta said.

  Her dress wasn’t all that better, but her hat did win, if I was being honest. A simple, pale yellow fitting thing, made, I thought, of felt, with a small silk carnation pinned on the side. Very classy, but still traditional Southern through and through.

  Bonnie flared out her dress with her finger tips. “I’m glad you like it.”

  Henrietta snorted. “The dress is fine. It’s the hat I’ve got problems with.”

  I glanced at my watch. “We’ve got fifteen minutes to get to the school. Belle said she’d drive.” I gave them all another cursory once over. “No one brought any weapons, right?”

  Henrietta’s eyes shifted to Old Man Goodson. He bowed his head.

  “Do you have anything on you?” I asked.

  “No, ma’am.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Okay, then. We’ve got to go. Belle’s car is right outside.” I left another large tip for Millie and headed toward the door.

  She grabbed the tip, stuffed it in her pocket, and locked the door behind us. That’s my girl, I thought, because she definitely deserved it.

  In Bramblett County, the whole county shut down for big events like town meetings because any event ended up like a party whether it was a murder, a football game, or a place for people to hoot and holler.

  Chapter 8

  We should have gotten to the high school earlier, and we all realized that when we got there. By the time we arrived it was already standing room only, but that was okay, because Dylan had arranged for us to have special seating behind the podium, near him. The problem was navigating through the crowd of people in the parking lot to our reserved parking spot. But Belle, bless her heart, born and raised in Bramblett County, drove like a New Yorker, and had the patience of one, too, so at least there was that.

  If her momma had been in the car, surely, she’d have had a heart attack. Poor Billy Ray, he white-knuckled it the whole time in the parking lot. He said anyone that drove with Belle didn’t have the good sense God gave them, and after that experience, I was on his side.

  “Well, come on. These kids wouldn’t get their heads out of their phones if Jesus came down and sat in front of them.”

  “These kids wouldn’t know Jesus from the man that sells them cigarettes in the county down the way,” Old Man Goodson said.

  “Times sure ain’t like they used to be, are they?” Bill Ray asked.

  If I’d closed my eyes, I could have sworn I was sitting next to my pawpaw and his bestie, and it made me smile. “They’re just doing what they know how to do. They’ll come around, just like we all did.”

  “We’ll see about that,” Bonnie said. She got out of the car and bumped into one of the kids doing what he knew how to do.

  “Watch it lady,” he said without looking up from his phone.

  She tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey now, your momma hear you talk like that?”

  He turned around and when he saw the fire in Bonnie’s eyes, he cowered. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean no disrespect.”

  “Well, good, ‘cause that ain’t the way a boy treats a girl, no matter what her age.” She smiled. “But I’m glad you apologized. No, go on. Get outta here.” As the boy rushed away, she hollered, “And put that phone a yours in your pocket, you hear?”

  He did as he was told because nobody messed with an old woman in a straw hat.

  We pushed and shoved our way to the podium, and Bonnie and Henrietta sat in the only two metal folding chairs left. I checked out the crowd, noticed a bunch of familiar lacrosse faces right up front and center, and snuck in a quick conversation with Dylan.

  “Good luck. Watch the people from the team. Longley thinks one of them is your killer.”

  He smirked. “When did he go through the police academy?”

  I shrugged.

  “FYI, we have our killer, remember?”

  “He thinks otherwise. Just be on alert, that’s all I’m saying.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “And I hope you can keep the masses pleased, because this crowd will get ugly if you don’t.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

  “Well then you should be very afraid.”

  And I was right.

  When the representative and legal counsel from the Georgia Athletic Association informed the crowd that the entire school’s athletic program was under investigation, and until that investigation was complete, all sports programs were cancelled, and possibly permanently, from the up rise in the crowd, one would have thought the world was ending.

  Dylan had his entire department on hand, but even they struggled to keep the crowd from rushing the podium. The only thing that stopped the racing mass of angry parents and students was a single gunshot blasting through the gymnasium. The loud boom silencing the angry mob, at least until it sent them into total mayhem.

  That shot Bonnie shot off from her metal seat behind the podium. Right at the ceiling of the school gym. “That’ll quiet ‘em down right quick,” she said.

  But like I said, mayhem had taken over, and people screamed as they made a run for every exit available, pushing their way through the crowd, the crowd of virtually every single person residing in Bramblett County. Howling toddlers begged for their mommas, old ladies were knocked to the ground like dominoes, and teenagers shoved their way through everyone as if no one mattered but them. Like every other day in their lives.

  Henrietta hollered at her best friend. “Oh my word, you ought not be doin’ that.”

  Too little, too late, I thought.

  Dylan whipped around and pulled his gun on Bonnie, who just looked at him all wide eyed and
crazy like, and dropped the gun. “What? It’s a blank. It won’t hurt no one.”

  Henrietta grabbed the microphone and hollered into it. “Y’all might could calm down and stop your fussing or it’s going to get worse.” When they didn’t stop she yelled, “I said stop, and I meant it!”

  Everyone froze.

  Southern women had a way with words.

  “Thank you. Now, just sit tight and don’t move. I know for a fact most of you weren’t raised in no barns.” She held her hand over her forehead and scanned the room. Pointing to someone in the far corner of the gym, she said, “Well, ‘cept for you Johnny, and I know you Rufus, you were born in one, but I ain’t sure that counts, but that’s neither here nor there. But, now, let’s all settle down here, okay? We got a meeting to finish, and y’all are goin’ to behave like human beings. None of this screaming and charging up here like wild animals, you hear me? Heavens, I wore my nice dress tonight, and look what you all gone and did? It’s got a rip in it, and I can’t see good to sew it.” She shook her head. “Now I got to go and get it fixed. And I’m on a fixed income. You know what that’s going to cost me?” She adjusted her dress. “I want all of you to go on back to your seats and behave like proper adults, you hear me? Can’t believe you, making a mountain outta a molehill like this. Over some silly high school sport that ain’t even football.”

  Someone yelled from the crowd. “They cancelled the football program too, old woman.”

  Henrietta tightened her grip on the microphone. “Who you callin’ an old woman? And ‘course they cancelled the football program too. Look at all y’all, acting like kids yourselves. Why, I have half a mind to make each and every one a ya go outside and cut down the biggest switch, no the whole daggum tree you can find and beat you with it myself. Acting like toddlers, you are.” She shook her fist at the group. “This ain’t no way to teach your kids proper manners.”

  The entire time Henrietta spoke Matthew cuffed Bonnie’s hands behind her back as Belle flung her arms wildly around arguing with him about it. I stood next to Dylan as he talked to the superintendent who insisted on pressing charges while Dylan tried to convince him otherwise.

  “But it was a blank,” Bonnie kept repeating. “I shot it at the ceiling. I’m the only one that did anything to stop the crowd from charging the big wigs. I saved them. You think of that?”

  “Can I ride with her to the station?” I asked.

  “No, but you and Belle go. I’ll let you know what happens here.

  As we headed out, I caught a glimpse of Ginnie Slappey laughing, and I wanted to kick her in the shin, proper manners be darned.

  * * *

  Bonnie’s bail drained my emergency fund account, which I’d already practically drained for a few other emergencies of late, but I didn’t mind. I fully expected to get it back. I also intended to meet with the superintendent and convince him to drop the charges against her if Dylan couldn’t convince him once he’d calmed down and his face wasn’t all sorts of crimson red. I’d sold his daughter her first house, and taken a hit on the commission so she could afford the place. A gentle reminder of that should work. The man owed me a favor, and if I had to, I wouldn’t let him forget.

  The men took Bonnie home, and they promised to secure all doors and windows and stay with her so she couldn’t escape. I called Henrietta, who assured me she’d stay the night with her just in case, and that made me feel much better. I told both women how proud I was of them, though I’d suggested Bonnie use less abrasive and safer means to get her point across next time. I also suggested the men search the house for other weapons and hide them all. Nicholas, her grandson, said he’d help with that. He knew all her hiding spots.

  I waited a bit for Dylan but decided to head home and call it a night. I was give slap out. Emotions ran high at the event, and high school sports tended to do that, but that flew over my head. I just didn’t get it. Maybe Clarissa Mooney was right. I didn’t get it because I didn’t have kids of my own. But I understood how scholarships worked, and I knew that most of the kids wouldn’t get one. There were just too many kids and not enough scholarships to go around. I knew there were very likely some excellent players on the team, but the sport was still relatively new in Georgia, and it was hugely popular in the northeast, so those kids were the ones that would get the better scholarships. If a kid in the South got a Division One scholarship, he’d have to be top notch, and I didn’t mean the best on his team, I meant the best of the best, and that wasn’t an easy status to achieve.

  I assumed most of them weren’t nearly as good as their parents thought, and even if they were, there were probably hundreds of other kids that were better. What did they think, that their kids would end up professional lacrosse players? Was there even such a thing? If there was, it certainly wasn’t up to the level of professional football or any of the other sports. Heck, soccer had been around forever, but I still couldn’t name one professional soccer player. Except that Beckham guy, and I’d never say this out loud, but he was from England, so I didn’t know if he was actually a football player or a soccer player. That’s how little I actually knew about soccer.

  Okay, so it wasn’t just lacrosse that was cancelled, not for the time being anyway, but seriously, what were the odds that any of the kids at a Bramblett County school would advance to any professional team, or end up with a Division One scholarship?

  I didn’t think the odds were that good, but then again, I wasn’t a parent of one of those kids, so I couldn’t put myself in their shoes.

  I drove home trying to empathize with them, but admittedly, it was hard. The example they set for their kids bordered on ridiculous. No, it actually was ridiculous.

  When I pulled onto my street, two cars sped past me, and one threw a roll of toilet paper out the window as it did. The roll bounced of the hood of my car and landed on the curb. Way to be ugly, I thought.

  Only they were uglier than I thought. Ugly enough to T-P my entire front yard and spray paint my driveway with words inappropriate enough to make me blush. I parked on the street in front of my yard and got out to survey the damage. I threw my arms up in the air and sighed. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  My neighbor stood on his front porch and hollered to me. “Looks like someone don’t like you all that much.”

  “I think you’re right,” I hollered back.

  “You callin’ your boyfriend?”

  “Probably just a prank,” I lied. “I don’t think the sheriff can do anything about it.”

  “It’s a prank when it’s kids, but that wasn’t just no kids I saw throwin’ those rolls of toilet paper ‘cross your trees.”

  We met next to the line of crepe myrtles dividing our yards, the trees covered in paper on only my side.

  “You saw who did this?”

  He nodded. “Caught a glimpse of them, and by what I seen, they wasn’t just teenagers. You might wanna make a call to that boyfriend after all.”

  “If you saw them, why didn’t you call?”

  “I was at that meeting tonight. I’m staying outta that mess. You get in with the wrong crowd, I don’t want you bringing it over to my house. Best I keep my nose to myself.” He nodded his head and headed back to his front door.”

  “Nice talking to ya,” I said and called Dylan.

  “He tell you who it was? Get any license plates or car descriptions?”

  “Mr. Lee isn’t the friendliest neighbor. He basically told me if I kept my nose out of other people’s business I wouldn’t have problems.”

  “Sounds like a great guy.”

  “Yeah, he’s a keeper. I did see a few cars on my street as I came home. One tossed a roll of toilet paper at my car, but I couldn’t see who was driving, and at the time, I didn’t think to get a look at the car either.”

  “It’s okay. We put that security system up at your house when we put it up at your office a few months ago. We’ll check the video.”

  “Um.”

  “What?”

>   “I haven’t paid the service.”

  He sighed. “I know, but I have.”

  “You have? Why?”

  “Because I knew you wouldn’t.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes, seriously. You pitched a fit about it, remember? I haven’t dated you for years and not learned something about you, Lily Sprayberry. You’re as stubborn as a mule.”

  “Dylan Roberts, did you just compared me to a mule?”

  “I might have inferred that you are as stubborn as one, but I would never directly refer to you as one, Miss Lily.”

  “Consider yourself lucky then.”

  He laughed, but I heard the sense of relief in his laughter, too. “I’ll be over in a bit to get online with you and check the recording. I suspect we know who’s responsible for this, but we’ll know for sure right quick.”

  Within the hour we both stared at my laptop screen and nodded. I was the first to speak. “I knew it would be them, but I still cannot believe it. These women are adults, and they’re teaching their sons this is okay?”

  “There’s three offenses here, Lily. Criminal trespass, littering, and disorderly conduct. You can press charges on both the mothers and the boys.”

  Dylan tapped something into his phone. “I’m getting people here to get it all photographed and cleaned up.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate that. Have the bill sent to me.”

  “There won’t be a bill.”

  “Yes, there will be, and I’ll pay it.”

  He smiled. “It’s covered. Consider it a gift.”

  I smiled, too. “You’re the best.”

  “I know.”

  Belle and Matthew arrived, and Belle didn’t bother knocking. “Let me see it. I hope you nail their persnickety little bums to the jail wall.” She yanked a chair out from my kitchen table and watched the video of Ginnie Mooney, her son and three other women with their sons TP my front yard. “These women are three gallons of crazy in a two gallon bucket.”

  Matthew watched it, too. “Woah.”

  Belle pushed back from the table and flew out of her seat. “I’m about to show these sorry excuses for women what a real woman can do.”