Faux Ho Ho
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Silas Waite doesn’t want his big-C Conservative Alberta family to know he’s barely making rent. They’d see it as yet another sign that he’s not living up to the Waite family potential and muscle in on his life. When Silas unexpectedly needs a new roommate, he ends up with the gregarious—and gorgeous—personal trainer Constantino “Dino” Papadimitriou.
Silas’s parents try to browbeat him into visiting for Thanksgiving, where they’ll put him on display as an example of how they’re so tolerant for Silas’s brother’s political campaign, but Dino pretends to be his boyfriend to get him out of it, citing a prior commitment. The ruse works—until they receive an invitation to Silas’s sister’s last-minute wedding.
Silas loves his sister, Dino wouldn’t mind a chalet Christmas, and together, they could turn a family obligation into something fun. But after nine months of being roommates, then friends, and now “boyfriends,” Silas finds being with Dino way too easy, and being the son that his parents barely tolerate too hard. Something has to give, but luckily, it’s the season for giving. And maybe what Silas has to give is worth the biggest risk of all.
What Reviewers Say About ’Nathan Burgoine’s Work
Exit Plans for Teenage Freaks
“Burgoine (Of Echoes Born, 2018, etc.) has created a gay teen protagonist who is a bit goofy at times but who is comfortable in his own skin....Overall, a feel-good, contemporary read with strong LGBTQIAP rep and an unusual fantasy subplot.”—Kirkus Reviews
“READ THE BOOK. NOW. IT IS AMAZING.”—Book Princess Reviews
“The plot was a great deal of fun, and the characters were wonderful. Cole is gay and most (all?) of his friends are in the school’s Rainbow Club – but that’s not the plot. No one’s queerness is a plot point....Because this book is about teleporting and teenagers graduating high school and awkwardness. It’s not about queer tragedy.”—Almost, Almost: Queer librarian blogs mostly about books
“This is a character-driven story with very little angst and a smooth writing style that is easy to get caught up in. The seamlessness of the inclusion was really impressive to me.”—Boy Meets Boy Reviews
“Exit Plans for Teenage Freaks by ’Nathan Burgoine is a fun queer rom-com sci-fi novel set in present time Canada. From Cole, our bullet journal loving protagonist, his ace BFF Alec, and Malik, the hottest guy in school, you will find someone to relate to or fall in love with in this Queer YA novel.”—Lara Lillibridge
“It’s rare I read a novel with a MC so clearly realized. ’Nathan writes Cole so 3-dimensionally, you swear you know him from the moment he speaks. That clarity along with a kick-ass story makes this my favorite YA novel for 2018. Nathan mixes Sci-Fi with budding male/male teen romance and the combination works perfectly.”—Philip Bahr, Librarian, Fairfield Public Library
“Burgoine uses science fiction elements to explore homosexuality, pansexuality, bisexuality, and gender nonconforming identity....Burgoine’s immersive writing excels in the details, from the precise sensations Cole experiences at the onset of a teleport to the overwhelming intensity of his feelings for his friend Malik....VERDICT A definite purchase for any library collection.”—School Library Journal
Of Echoes Born
“Burgoine assembles 12 queer supernatural tales, several of which interlock...The best tales could easily stand alone; these include ‘The Finish,’ about an aging vintner whose erotic dalliance with a deaf young man named Dennis gets complicated, and ‘Struck,’ in which beleaguered bookstore clerk Chris meets Lightning Todd, who predicts his future wealth and romance. A pair of stories set in ‘the Village,’ a gay neighborhood, feature appealing characters and romances and could be components of a fine Tales of the City–like novel.”—Publishers Weekly
“The best short story collections are treasure chests that sparkle—not from the gems they contain, but with a light greater than the whole as the reader is left knowing more about life. In such work the mysteries aren’t solved, but the questions get redefined. And so the tales in Of Echoes Born shimmer like gold, and not the kind you’ll covet. This is one of those books that, when finished, you hurry to buy copies for friends.”—Tom Cardamone, Lambda-award winning author of Green Thumb, Night Sweats: Tales of Homosexual Wonder and Woe and The Lurid Sea.
Light—Lambda Literary Award Finalist
“What’s stunning about this debut is its assurance. In terms of character, plot, voice, and narrative skill, Burgoine knocks it out of the park as if this were his tenth book instead of his first. He, along with Tom Cardamone, has the considerable gift of being able to ground the extraordinary in the ordinary so that it becomes just an extension of everyday life.”—Out in Print
“Burgoine’s initial novel is a marvelously intricate story, stretching the boundaries of science and paranormal phenomena, with a cast of delightfully diverse characters, all fully nuanced and relatable to the reader. I honestly could not put the book down, and recommend it highly, as I look forward to his next novel.”—Bob Lind, Echo Magazine
“Light manages to balance a playful sense of humor, hot sex scenes, and provocative thinking about the meanings of individuality, acceptance, pride, and love. Burgoine takes some known gay archetypes—the gay-pride junkie, the leather SM top—and unpacks them in knowing and nuanced ways that move beyond stereotypes or predictability. With such a dazzling novelistic debut, Burgoine’s future looks bright.”—Chelsea Station Magazine
“Light by ’Nathan Burgoine is part mystery, part romance, and part superhero novel. Which is not to say that Light emulates such ‘edgy’ angst-filled comic book heroes as the X-Men; if you’ll pardon the pun, it is much lighter in tone.”—Lambda Literary Review
“Light is an enjoyable, light superhero story that was a lot of fun to read. With an openly gay and proud main character and events taking place over the course of Pride Week, it will find a welcome home with readers looking for LGBT characters, especially in science fiction and fantasy.”—Come Hither Books
“Engaging and hard to put down, Light speeds along at an incredible pace in a mixture of humor and urgency. A great narrator, Kieran is forced to juggle his new relationship, his hidden powers, and his ongoing battles in a plot that mixes drag queens, giant dogs, astrally-projected mentors, superhero-style battles....This book is recommended for libraries of all types as well as anyone interested in dipping a toe into the waters of m/m romance.”—Mack Freeman, GLBT Reviews: ALA’s Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Round Table
Triad Blood
“’Nathan Burgoine is a talented writer who creates a fascinating world and complex characters.… If you’re a fan of demons, vampires, wizards, paranormal fiction, mysteries, thrillers, stories set in Canada, or a combination of the previously mentioned, do yourself a favor and check this book out!”—The Novel Approach
“Triad Blood was a fun book. If you’re a fan of gay characters, urban fantasies, and (even better), both of them, you’ll enjoy Triad Blood.”—Pop Culture Beast
Triad Soul
“’Nathan Burgoine’s Triad Blood, the first book in this series, was one of my favourite books of last year and Triad Soul is, if anything, even better. …what sets it apart, and makes me genuinely love this book (and series) is the depiction, both in fact and in allegory, of queer community. The prose is generally crisp and cleanly written, but there are also flourishes of creativity that elevate the writing above the prosaic. It has heart, imagination, and skill. Like Triad Blood before it, I suspect this is going to be one of my favourite books of its year.”—Binge on Books
“’Nathan Burgoine really excels at creating a fascinating and unique supernatural world full of interesting politics. If you are a paranormal or a suspense fan, I think there is a lot here that will appeal to you, particularly if you are looking
for a unique take on the various supernatural beings. Burgoine has really created something engaging here and I definite recommend the series.”—Joyfully Jay
“I really enjoy a well-crafted paranormal mystery. But what sets [Triad Soul] apart, and makes me genuinely love this book (and series) is the depiction, both in fact and in allegory, of queer community. This is an own voices work, and found family and the sense of support one can find in a queer community are clearly really important to Burgoine. The Triad are all, in their own way, alone and vulnerable: the cultured Luc has lived a long time, but most of that has been in the shadows. Anders, a confident, assertive man, had to fight his own instincts to stay beneath the radar and survive. And most of all Curtis, who’s only in his early twenties, watched his parents killed by those he ought to have been able to trust. In each other, the three of them find community and find safety, even if others don’t understand how.”—Binge On Books
Faux Ho Ho
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Faux Ho Ho
© 2019 BY ’Nathan Burgoine. All Rights Reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-63555-759-6
This Electronic Original Is Published By
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P.O. Box 249
Valley Falls, NY 12185
First Edition: December 2019
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.
Credits
Editor: Jerry Wheeler
Production Design: Bold Strokes Graphics
Cover Design By Inkspiral Design
By the Author
Light
Triad Blood
Triad Soul
Of Echoes Born
Exit Plans for Teenage Freaks
Faux Ho Ho
Acknowledgments
I can’t believe this happened. For most of the year, I didn’t think it would.
With Faux Ho Ho, my little fictional Village grows a little bigger again. As always, my intention here is for my novellas to stand alone, but you’ll see a few familiar faces if you’ve read my other short fictions and novellas. I hope you enjoy this latest visit to the Village. Pour yourself a cup of Bittersweets coffee and settle in (or a blend from NiceTeas, if you prefer).
Faux Ho Ho wouldn’t have happened without so many people. Before anyone else, though, I need to send out so much gratitude to Jerry L. Wheeler, my editor and friend, who talked me down with multiple phone calls over the last (and honestly far-from-great) year. May every writer be so lucky as to have someone as understanding and empathetic when things go pear shaped in their life.
I also need to throw my arms wide to the rest of the Bold Strokes Books crew—Sandy, Cindy, Ruth, and all the rest of the behind-the-scenes people—who allowed me to sneak this in at the last freaking minute. Christmas miracle.
Ditto Matt, from Inkspiral Design, who came up with what’s frankly the most perfect cover ever. I mean, check out Dino’s T-shirt!
Oh, and to all the Misfit Toys who’ve written and asked if I’m planning to write more holiday romance novellas?
Absolutely.
And, lastly but nowhere near least, my husband, who continues to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Look, honey, a finished novella!
2019 didn’t win after all.’
Dedication
For Coach. We miss you, puppy-bear.
Chapter One—December
When Silas looked back and tried to figure out where everything went wrong, the conclusion was clear: Nicholas Wilson. This disaster, almost a year in the making, landed squarely at Nick’s feet.
None of that made Silas feel any better, but sitting in the back of the cab, Silas fought back his tears, swallowed hard, and decided when he saw Nick again, he’d kick him in the throat.
He let out a shaky breath. Okay. Maybe not. There’d been enough kicking. And to be fair—not that he wanted to be—it wasn’t Nick’s fault exactly, only how the whole mess started.
If not for Nick, Silas would still have Haruto as his roommate, and he’d still be happy.
Well, he’d be less miserable.
He certainly wouldn’t be in a cab, fighting snow, trying to get to the airport and hoping he hadn’t ruined everything.
Silas and Ru met in school, and they’d clicked. Once they’d both hit their stride in a graphic design class, they’d become friends. School had become something Silas had looked forward to, and that had mostly been due to the outgoing and fun, if often blunt, Haruto Sato.
After graduation, their friendship had been one of the reasons he’d decided to stay in Ottawa in the first place.
A few years later, Ru had to move back to his home town to take care of his sick father, and what had once been a close friendship faded into occasional emails. Silas forwarded projects he thought Ru might be well suited for when they came his way. Silas preferred working on user interface design, whereas Ru’s talents lay in graphic design and layout, but beyond those occasional emails or social media comments, they’d more or less lost touch.
In his own defense, Silas was scraping by and didn’t own a car. He couldn’t drop everything and go. And with Ru’s father in really bad shape, Ru almost never visited Ottawa.
Then, after Ru’s father passed away, a second chance. Ru wanted to come back. Preferably to the Village.
It had been perfect, given Silas existed perpetually one month away from homelessness. Having Ru as a roommate felt like the heavens had opened up, complete with singing angels. Not only would Ru make a great roommate, he already understood Silas’s family.
Coming from wealthy Albertan Big-C Conservative stock, Silas’s didn’t want his parents aware he struggled, or they’d buy their way in, and there’d be strings.
Even though they were multiple provinces away, it took effort. His father checked out his address on Google Street View, and he called when the result showed Bittersweets, the Village coffee shop. Silas had spent hours convincing his father a suitable, two-bedroom apartment existed above the shop and even then, his father suggested he find an actual home as soon as possible.
If they even suspected he was in a hovel, they’d put their foot down.
After all, what if someone found out they were letting their youngest son live in a hovel? Think of the optics.
It already took effort to stop his father nudging connections to land him a better job. Not a job he wanted, of course. One that paid more.
Silas could never move to something more affordable, like a bachelor pad, without them finding out, so he deflected and avoided. Rent was tight, even on his UI design tech salary. Silas’s landlady, Marion, already gave him a sweet deal. Two bedroom apartments in Ottawa usually went for much more than he paid, and he refused to screw that up. He loved his apartment, loved living in the Village, and loved the heavenly scent of the morning coffee in the shop below.
But most of all he loved the four-hour flight between him and his parents and brothers.
Still, Silas was burning out.
Then Ru came home.
Halving the rent meant Silas could slow down on extra consulting jobs after work, and finally get farther ahead on his app. He’d been working on Pride March for a couple of years, and although he didn’t expect any sort of financial windfall, the project was close to his heart. Ru had been the first person he’d explained it to.
“So people walk, and as they walk they get little cards with queer history on them?” Ru
said.
“Yeah,” Silas said. “The more distance you cover, the more packs of random cards you unlock, and each card has some person or place or moment in history to read about. There are sets to complete, skins, you can trade with friends…” Pride March meant the world to him, but if it was a bad idea, Ru would be blunt.
“Stop worrying,” Ru said. “This is great. Let me know what I can do to help.”
As roommates went, Ru approached perfection. Silas loved mornings. Ru hated them. Silas could code like a madman from five in the morning until Ru got up at seven thirty, when their coffee machine brewed up his morning cup. They’d have breakfast, Silas would make them both a to-go lunch, and they’d work their respective jobs until quitting time.
Ru also reminded Silas to step away from the keyboard in the evenings once he’d given the day job the full eight hours.
If Silas tried to put too much time into Pride March, Ru dragged him outside for a walk, or at the very least make him relocate downstairs to Bittersweets to people-watch and drink coffee.