Faux Ho Ho

by Nathan Burgoine

  That has to be a good omen, right?

  “Did you just call me a charity case?” he said.

  “Everyone should know how to swim. Period.” Constantino didn’t back down. “Basic safety. Didn’t your parents teach you?”

  “No. I never…I mean, they didn’t…My parents were…busy,” Silas said.

  “Hm.” A noncommittal response, but Silas could feel the judgment in it. Which led him to the next thing, which he hoped wasn’t a deal breaker, because he wanted to offer Constantino the room. Their schedules were in synch, he had a steady job, they liked the same video games, and it sounded like Constantino would be out on weekends a lot of the time, so Silas’s gaming nights wouldn’t feel like an imposition on their shared space.

  He was no Ru, but Constantino might be runner-up for the perfect roommate title.

  “On the topic of my parents. Just so you understand,” Silas said. “My parents call on Skype, and I can’t let them know I have a roommate. They’d be uncool about it. They don’t call often, though. I try to keep it to once a month if I can. Sometimes twice. Is that okay? I’d try to arrange it while you’re out, which is what I always did with Ru.” Silas tried to tone back the pleading in his voice. He already felt pathetic enough catering to his parents, but it had to be said.

  “That’s fine.” Constantino’s voice softened, which surprised him. “Ru explained things a bit.”

  “He did?” It didn’t help Silas feel any less pathetic. He could only imagine the terms Ru would have put things in. Not that Ru would have misrepresented, but Ru was blunt.

  Constantino leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. The muscles in his arms did their swollen bulgy thing again. And, again, it didn’t make Silas nervous. “Being this close to work would be worth it no matter how often they called, and given it’s not often, it’s cool. I can do stealth.”

  “See,” Silas said, “I would have guessed tank.”

  Constantino laughed, and Silas felt a little bit of triumph. He made someone laugh. He didn’t usually consider himself overlapping with “funny” either. He bit his lip. “Do you want to see the apartment, Constantino?”

  Constantino finished his coffee in one long swig. “Absolutely. But call me Dino. Everyone does.”

  “Okay.”

  Their first morning together, Silas knew he’d made the right choice. Dino and Silas managed a kind of dance in the small kitchen, moving through each other’s space without interrupting. Silas got the coffee going while Dino scrambled eggs. Once coffee gurgled, Silas shifted to the counter and started assembling cheese and tomato sandwiches, beet hummus, and baby carrots. He’d made two lunches on autopilot, a habit from living with Ru, who got out of bed as late as possible and then tended to make poor lunch choices later.

  “Do you like cheese and tomato?” Silas said, once he realized what he’d done.

  Dino glanced over, then smiled. “Are you making me lunch?”

  “If you’d like,” he said. “I used to do this for Ru. It’s really no extra effort to make things for two. It’s easier, from a grocery shopping point of view.”

  “That’s awesome. Thank you. And yeah, I like cheese and tomato.”

  “There’s hummus and baby carrots, too. It’s probably not enough for you, come to think of it.” The guy was significantly larger than Silas. Or Ru, for that matter.

  “It’s great. Thank you.” Dino eyed the eggs he was making them both. “Wait, you’re not vegetarian, are you?”

  “No, but while I’m on the computer, I’m permanently peckish. I snack all day, so I try to make sure I’m surrounded by veggies if I can. And if I make a lunch in the morning, I sometimes remember to actually stop and eat it.” He shrugged. “Ru used to call my computer the black hole.”

  “Fiona schedules breaks relentlessly. Like, if she catches you working through your break?” He drew a finger across his throat, then divided the eggs onto two plates and put them on the bar.

  They ate breakfast together in what seemed to Silas to be a comfortable silence, and then Dino left for the gym. Silas sat down at his computer, logged in at work, checked the logs for customer issues, and caught himself humming while he worked.

  The Silas Waite Venn Diagram of Life needed an update. Time to nudge the “Big, Burly Jocks” circle a bit.

  Chapter Four—October

  Two weeks after the boyfriend plan, Silas received a letter from Alberta. He warily eyed the beautiful cream envelope, silky to the touch, not sure what to expect, but nothing exploded when he undid the little gold seal. A plain white card declared him invited in embossed gold script. He flipped the card to see what he’d been invited to.

  And froze.

  A wedding. For Elisha.

  “Oh.” The only person he cared about in his whole damn family was tying the knot. His chest tightened, and he pressed his hand against the clenching sensation.

  He hated weddings. Okay, not all weddings, nor on principle, but with the Waite family, weddings meant “high class affair.” His brothers’ weddings had been about as enjoyable as grade nine gym glass. Specifically, a rainy-day grade nine gym class playing dodgeball in the gym. Silas could try avoiding notice, ducking and hiding, but people would be out to get him regardless.

  Smug, tedious, heteronormative dodgeball.

  With praying.

  Manny’s and Micah’s invitations both said no need for a plus one with the usual Waite subtlety. Not that he’d had a plus one.

  Silas sighed, lowering his hand.

  But Elisha’s wedding made things different.

  Compassionate, amazing Elisha, who straight-up said what she meant, was everything the rest of the Waites weren’t. For her, he’d go. It would suck being around the rest of his family, but it also wouldn’t suck because his sister would be there. Silas hadn’t met her boyfriend—scratch that, fiancé—Craig, but from everything Elisha said about him, he treated her right.

  Also, he’d gotten the impression his parents didn’t really like Craig very much. A lowly grade school teacher, Craig’s social media made it pretty clear his views didn’t align with the Waites, already a huge point in his favor.

  Silas tapped the invitation against the palm of his hand, deciding.

  He could probably manage another wedding with his family flying solo. It would suck huge, but—

  That’s when he saw it.

  The invitation didn’t say “plus one.” It didn’t say “no need for a plus one” either.

  No, it had two names. Silas and…

  Constantino Papadimitriou.

  Why on Earth would Elisha invite Dino? She didn’t even know him. It made no sense.

  Then it clicked.

  Oh no.

  He held up the invitation, as though elevating it would somehow change the writing. Pieces of paper fell from the envelope. He caught them in mid-air. Plane ticket reservations. First class. Two of them. An itinerary. A map…

  Oh no, oh no, oh no.

  * * *

  “This is your fault.” Silas pushed the envelope against Dino’s chest the second he got home from work. Dino took it from Silas’s hand, reading while he shrugged out of his jacket.

  “Huh.”

  “But wait, there’s more.” Silas held up the plane tickets.

  Dino took a few more seconds to parse those. Once he understood what they were, though, he grinned.

  “Cool,” he said.

  “Cool? We just got invited to my sister’s wedding.”

  “Yeah, I see that. First class.” Dino’s eyebrows rose. “And we don’t fly back until the twenty-eighth?” He eyed the map. “A ski village? We get Christmas in a chalet? I dunno. I’m not seeing the bad.”

  “You told them we were dating!” Silas’s voice was getting a little screechy.

  “So?” Dino shrugged. “Solution? We break up.”

  Oh. Silas blinked. Right. He could just tell his parents that he and Dino broke up. And then, he’d be alone, with his family, at his siste
r’s wedding. And, bonus, freshly dumped. Even if they’d never actually been dating.

  That wouldn’t just suck. It would be absolutely humiliating. He could imagine his brothers. Manny especially. The looks. The comments.

  His chest tightened again.

  “But,” Dino said.

  “But?”

  “It’s just… I was thinking.”

  Silas stared at him. Last time “I was thinking” involved costumes. “Thinking what?”

  “What if we go? As boyfriends. And break up later. Like, around New Year’s?”

  “What?”

  “I’ve never flown first class.” Dino flashed the adorable boy-smile. “And… y’know, chalet.”

  Silas stared at him. “Seriously? Wait. Don’t you have a massive family Christmas thing, though? There were, like, a billion people at Thanksgiving.”

  “Not this year. My mom and stepdad are doing a second-honeymoon, and they’re taking my grandparents with them, which sounds like a mood killer to me, but what do I know? Olivia and Sergio are going to his family this year because his brother just had a kid, and since everyone else isn’t going to be around, Niko decided this year they’d go visit Angie’s family, too.” He shrugged. “My dad and his wife offered, but their house is tiny and my stepbrother and stepsisters all have kids, so I’d have to find somewhere to crash in Toronto, not to mention driving there after my last shift. I’d be here anyway, flying solo. Christmas Day at a chalet? I mean, I can go to the Misfits party. Fiona invites everyone every year and I’ve never gone.” He raised his hands, palms open. “But…if I go with you then you don’t have to face off against your family on your own.”

  “For the record?” Silas crossed his arms. “You should have led with that.”

  “Probably.”

  “You really think we can fake date in front of my family?”

  Dino’s eyebrows rose. “You think we can’t?”

  “Would we even know how? You have a lot of fun, but I wouldn’t call it dating, and the last date I went on…” Silas paused, staring meaningfully. It didn’t merit discussion. “Also, remember when you tried to teach me poker? I am not at one with the bluff. If I’m supposed to fake-flirt, we won’t fool anyone. I can barely real-flirt.”

  “Little Man,” Dino said, squeezing his shoulders. “If we so much as hold hands, your parents are going to cringe their way out of the room. We don’t have to slobber all over each other or eye-fuck at brunch. They’ll be grateful if we keep it low-key.”

  “That’s…” Awful? A double-standard? Homophobic? “True,” Silas said. Holding hands with Dino? Easy. Heck, half the time they watched movies on the couch they ended up leaning on each other. Dino tended to be super-tactile, so really Silas wouldn’t have to do much more than remember to react how a boyfriend would, and…

  He frowned. “What’s happening? Why am I considering this?”

  “Dude. First class. A freaking chalet. Your sister. It’ll be fun. We can make it fun.”

  Silas probably should have said a million things. “Have you honestly lost your mind?” chief among them. But instead, he found himself weighing the options. He could either allow Dino to come as his boyfriend to what would likely be a lavish wedding in Alberta—on his parents’ dime no less—or go on his own and suffer through all the family stuff solo.

  Really? There was only one thing to say.

  “Do you have a tux?” Silas said.

  Chapter Five—May

  “Don’t forget to breathe,” Dino said, putting a hand on Silas’s shoulder to get his attention.

  Silas looked up from his computer. He hadn’t heard Dino come into his room, but there he was, not only smiling at him, but a Bittersweets to-go cup in hand. Silas had been working on Pride March for hours and didn’t mind the interruption.

  The scent of coffee didn’t hurt.

  “Is that for me?” The Silas Waite Venn Diagram of Life couldn’t handle many more adjustments. Not only was Dino funny, but he turned out to be a patient teacher, and really considerate. Okay, so Dino didn’t often put on a shirt in the house, but Silas wasn’t going to complain. At least he’d managed to stop blushing every time Dino wandered through the apartment in a post-shower towel, more skin on display than not. In the space of a single month, Silas found himself completely used to having Dino around and even missing him when he went to kickboxing or out with friends.

  Also, thanks to their lessons, Silas could almost do a decent breaststroke now.

  “Yes. Medium roast, two milk,” Dino said, putting the cup on Silas’s desk with a little flourish.

  “Okay, I’m impressed,” Silas said. “Felix and Ru still write down my order, and we’ve known each other for years.”

  “I’m a good listener.” Dino hadn’t stopped smiling, nor had he moved his hand from Silas’s shoulder.

  Silas took a sip, drawing out the moment. Dino didn’t move. “So, don’t take this the wrong way, but you brought me coffee and you’re smiling the way you smiled before we got in the pool the first time when you made me repeatedly dunk my face. Should I be nervous?”

  Dino raised his eyebrows and pressed his hand against his chest.

  “You’re a great listener,” Silas said. “But not a particularly convincing innocent.”

  Dino laughed. “Okay. Guilty.”

  Silas turned in his chair, waiting.

  “I was thinking.”

  “Okay.”

  “You’ve been working on your app all day. I prepped us dinners for next week. We deserve fun. Like, ice cream, childlike wonder level fun.” Dino wagged his eyebrows.

  Silas laughed. “I am so not going to turn down ice cream. You don’t have to butter me up for ice cream.” Then he paused. “Wait. Weren’t you doing something at work this afternoon?”

  “That’s the childlike wonder part,” Dino said.

  “Beg your pardon?”

  “I’ll explain on the way.” Dino regarded him. “But change into a T-shirt and swimming trunks first.”

  * * *

  The Silas Waite Venn Diagram of Life was absolutely getting an update. He’d be adding a big circle labeled “Lying Liars Who Lie,” and it would perfectly overlap with “Burly Jock Roommates.” He scowled in the mirror of his Body Positive changing stall and tried to think of a way out of this.

  There wasn’t one.

  His reflection’s scowl faded the longer he looked, and before too long, the annoyance faltered and he fought not to laugh. He gave in. He looked ridiculous.

  The vest itself—blue with yellow trim and worn loose without a shirt—might have suggested a super-insensitive casting of Aladdin, given the puffy white pants. But no.

  He put the giant, round, white mushroom cap, complete with red dots, on his head.

  Silas choked on another snicker. He lifted his left foot. The comically oversized brown shoe made it all the more absurd.

  “You’re perfect!” Dino said, appearing behind him in the mirror, bedecked as the plumber in question. Only instead of looking completely ridiculous, the form-fitting long-sleeved red shirt hugged Dino’s body in a decidedly not-unappealing way, despite the ridiculous blue suspenders with the giant yellow buttons. Even the hat with the little M suited him. How was that possible?

  “Oh, that’s so unfair,” Silas said. “I look like I should be in a police mug shot after an unspeakable incident at a birthday party, and you’re looming over there like a gay porn star.”

  Dino wiggled his fake moustache. “You need to find better porn.”

  Silas gave him the finger.

  “Better get that out of your system now,” Dino said, unruffled. “Toad doesn’t do that sort of thing.”

  “Yeah, well, the princess is in another castle, Mario,” Silas said. “You’re lucky I’m not going Smash Brothers on your butt for this.”

  “Kinky.” Dino adjusted his cap. “Come on. You’ll be a hit.”

  The moment they were in sight of the small crowd of kids and parents, a choru
s of cheers came up from the kids, alongside a few wolf whistles from the adults Silas was pretty sure were aimed at Dino.

  Before Silas’s eyes, Dino transformed into Mario, over-the-top accent and everything, mugging for the kids and welcoming them to day one of Body Positive’s Summer Sundays. Silas had no idea what to do—Dino had barely outlined the plan on the walk over—but he waved and smiled and played sidekick as best he could, pitching his voice super-high and giving in to the absurdity of it all. The crowd of kids and their parents were completely captivated, and one girl of about seven seemed completely enchanted with his impression of the talking toadstool.

  “Whether you’ve got a big body or a little body,” Dino-as-Mario said, “it’s your body, and we want you to love it. So today, we’re going to explore some fun things you can do, whether you’re tall or small or anywhere in between.” Silas waved his hands and pretended to try and jump to be as tall as Mario, and the kids laughed.

  All the kids got gift bags Silas helped hand out while Dino explained some of the basic rules of the gym. In no time, all the kids opened their bags and pulled out cool little headbands and wristbands and traded with each other for favorite colors or patterns.

  Once the noise settled down, Dino explained how they’d be splitting into three groups and learning how to use some of the machines in the gym, and they’d get some time in the pool after, and then finally some ice cream.

  This got the loudest cheer. Silas decided these children were very much his people.

  Dino introduced the kids to the three trainers—Toma, Fiona, and Aiden—and told them listening to them was the most important part.

  Silas watched the crowd of kids, spotting a smaller one a few steps back from the rest. Dark haired and brown skinned, a little line bisected his eyebrows, and his hands were curled up almost into fists. When the group started splitting into threes, Silas stepped over to the kid and crouched down.