Faux Ho Ho

by Nathan Burgoine

  The rapid-fire questions made Silas blink, but Dino just stared, waiting.

  “How was it? Well…” Silas laughed, a single smirking sound intended to reflect a broad amusement, but it transitioned into a half sob. To his complete humiliation, he had to fight back tears.

  “Si?” Dino jumped off the couch and wrapped his arms around him. “What happened? Are you okay? Did he do something?”

  Silas allowed himself a second, squeezed Dino back, then pushed away. Dino let him out of the embrace, but held on to his shoulders. Dino’s T-shirt had wet spots. Totally humiliating.

  “Silas?”

  “It’s nothing. Sorry about your shirt. I’m fine.”

  “You are not fine, Little Man.”

  “Brian only asked me out because of my family.”

  Dino frowned. “What?”

  “We did dinner at a place in the Market, on George. It was okay, I guess. Big prices, small portions. Brian’s a lawyer, and he told me all about his work which was honestly super boring, but it’s not like my job is exciting. I tried hobbies—he’s taking sommelier courses—and I asked him if he played any video games, which he didn’t, but he did seem interested I was writing an app, until I explained Pride March. It made him uncomfortable. Like, every time I said ‘Pride’ or ‘Queer’ he flinched.”

  “Huh.”

  “Yeah. Then he interrupts and says he has to confess something. He already knew who I was in the park, because of my family.”

  “Okay, that’s not ideal, I guess, and I don’t get why it matters, but he confessed, so that’s good, right?”

  “Nope. He asked me out because he figured I wouldn’t judge him on his politics.”

  “His…politics.” Dino’s voice dropped.

  “Brian is a diehard Tory. Provincial, Federal, the whole shebang,” Silas said. “I got to hear all about fiscal responsibility and the importance of self-determination and the dangers of the nanny-state. Brian explained in detail how awful the queer community treats men like him who don’t share their socialist dogma and how we’re worse than the people we say hurt us, and how we can’t change opinions if we’re not nice and don’t listen.”

  “Oh fuck. Really?”

  “Really. I guess Manny was featured on some LGBT Tory website or something. And it mentioned me living in Ottawa, and…” Silas shrugged. “Anyway, Brian swore he didn’t do any stalking, but when he saw us at the park, he thought I wouldn’t assume he was an awful human being due to his voting record and deeply held beliefs about governance.” Silas blew out a breath. “And all that before dessert.”

  “Did you at least eat dessert before you told him he was an awful human being?”

  Silas chuckled. “You’re the worst. Of course I didn’t say anything. This is me, remember?” He sighed, and forced himself to go on. “But since I didn’t call him out on, well, anything, he assumed a lot. When we got to his car, he said he couldn’t wait to get me naked and basically pounced. I dodged.”

  Dino’s mouth twitched. “And?”

  “He fell across the hood of his car.”

  “You’re kidding.” The twitch became a smirk.

  “I am not. Brian closes his eyes when he goes in for a kiss. He didn’t know I’d moved, and he just kind of threw himself at me. I think he intended a full-body contact kind of kiss, but I backed up, so… Whump. It was awful.”

  Dino burst out laughing.

  “Stop it,” Silas said, but he caught himself smiling.

  “I’m sorry, Little Man. I guess that ended the date?”

  “In no uncertain terms. Not that he gave me any. I only realized when he drove off.” Silas shook his head. “He left me in the parking lot. I walked back from the Market.”

  “He ditched you? What a douche.”

  “Indeed. Never mind, it’s not far. No big loss. I just want to shower off the humidity and go to bed.” Silas forced a smile. “At least I’ve been on a date this year, right? Though don’t you dare tell Felix how it went. Felix would never let me live this down. Or Ru. Or anyone. Don’t tell anyone.”

  “I won’t.” Dino squeezed his shoulders. Silas realized Dino hadn’t let go during the whole conversation. “You’re sure you’re okay?”

  If it had been anyone else, he’d deflect, but Dino had been nearly as excited about this date as Silas, borderline cheerleading over the last two weeks whenever Silas’s confidence flagged. Brian reminded Silas of the guys he’d crushed out on from afar in Alberta, and he hadn’t gone on so much as a coffee date since last year.

  He admitted the truth.

  “No,” he said. “I’m not okay. I feel like a character I made on a first play-through of a new game, and I didn’t understand what would be needed, so now I’ve got all the wrong abilities unlocked in all the wrong skill trees and dating is a boss immune to everything I learned how to do. Oh, and I can’t start over, and I think I’m over encumbered.” Silas tried to soften the words with a grin, but Dino’s frown said it hadn’t worked.

  “Intelligence isn’t a dump stat,” Dino said.

  “Pardon?”

  “You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. You maxed out intelligence and perception, and it’s not a mistake.”

  “Someone who maxed out perception wouldn’t have gone on a date with a guy like Brian.”

  “Anyone who dates meets a Brian. Remember Sondra? She only asked me out because she assumed bisexual meant I’d be down for threesomes with her boyfriend. I didn’t even know he existed until we got to her apartment and suddenly there’s a guy licking my ear.”

  “Fair point.” Silas shook his head. “I’m just not feeling smart.”

  “If you weren’t, you’d have kissed him because he was hot.”

  “He was hot.” Silas sighed. “Seriously, like… Damn. But no. So ignorant. Abs aren’t worth it.”

  “See? Smart.”

  “You’re not going to let me wallow, are you?”

  “Fuck that. You totally get to wallow.” Dino let go. “But maybe just a couple of days.”

  “I can’t believe the first guy to ask me out in over a year thinks the Liberals are too radical.”

  “You can’t know that at a glance,” Dino said. “Don’t beat yourself up about it.” He paused. “Though, if it’d make you feel better, I could beat him up?”

  Silas laughed. “No. And stop cheering me up, dammit. It’s ruining my wallow.”

  “No can do.” Dino spread his arms wide. “I am here for you, Little Man. Besides, I think you’re forgetting life is multiplayer. If you’re overwhelmed and got the wrong skills, you buddy up with a tank or two. You’re the healer. You don’t do everything alone.”

  “Your support is geektastic and appreciated. Thank you.”

  Dino lowered his arms. “Tomorrow we wallow. After swimming and breakfast. You feel like making cheese omelets for breakfast?” He batted his eyes. “I’ll do a Sweet Temptations run for quality wallowing supplies if we stick to swimming and you make cheese omelets.”

  “Deal,” Silas said. “Wallow scheduled post-swim. Now go to bed.”

  Dino left him there. Silas exhaled again. Buddy up with a tank. He snorted. For a MMORG or a tabletop RPG sure, but for dating? Not exactly helpful advice, unless maybe he decided to shift his romantic notions to something more polyamorous.

  He showered, brushed his teeth, and slipped into a fresh pair of boxers before climbing into bed. The walk home left him awake rather than tired, so he cracked his window, staring at the ceiling and listening to the traffic on Bank.

  Silas sighed and gave in to the temptation building since Brian’s confession. He grabbed his tablet and did a few searches. It didn’t take long to find the article Brian had mentioned, an Alberta LGBT Conservative group feature about Manny’s political successes, complete with his insufferable “Manny Up!” ad and a picture of Manny and Silas front and center.

  Manny’s commitment to diversity comes from his close relationship to his family, including his op
enly gay brother, Silas, who lives in Ottawa.

  Silas felt dirty. He turned off the tablet. If he had any strength of character, he’d demand his brother get the website to take the image down, or refute them himself. Silas wasn’t theirs to use like that. He sighed. Fat chance. Fun to pretend he had it in him, though.

  On the plus side, wallowing supplies and some quality Dino time weren’t terrible consolation prizes.

  Chapter Ten—December

  Craig looked about the same as the photos Silas had seen on Elisha’s feeds, though Silas hadn’t realized Craig was so much taller than this sister. He was lean, wore glasses, and often posted pictures of the two of them out for their weekend runs, routinely followed by photos of them having some sort of breakfast out somewhere. Craig’s beard, which had at times grown a bit wild, had been trimmed very short and stylish, worthy of Iron Man cosplay. Between the toques, and their jackets, and fat snowflakes falling all around them, Craig and Elisha passed for one of those couples in the Christmas movies that popped up every year, especially with the faux-mountain-village charm of the buildings, and the peaks behind them.

  “I’m so glad we came,” Silas said.

  Dino winked at him.

  The moment they caught up to Elisha and Craig, Craig grabbed Dino in a bear hug. “Dude, I owe you. Big,” he said.

  “Okay,” Dino said, grinning and patting Craig’s back.

  “Am I missing something?” Silas said, once the sudden love was over.

  Elisha rolled her eyes. “He’s just being dramatic.”

  “I am not.” Craig shook his head, hugging Silas almost as warmly. He had a softer voice than Silas would have imagined. “If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t be here.”

  “Craig,” Elisha said, but she was smiling. Silas knew that look. She didn’t want to be charmed, but she was charmed. Aw.

  “Swear to God,” Craig said. “All of this is thanks to him.” He pointed at Dino.

  “You’re welcome,” Dino said, completely unfazed.

  “You lost me again,” Silas said, but enjoying the mood.

  “Ah,” Craig put his arm around Elisha. “I wooed, and I wooed. I proposed and proposed…”

  “You proposed once,” she said, but she didn’t get out from under his arm.

  “And you said no.”

  “I did not say no. I said we didn’t need to rush.” Elisha huffed. “He’s overstating this.” She blushed and wouldn’t meet Silas’s gaze.

  “Wait,” Silas said. “You were going to wait? Why?”

  And why was his stomach tying itself up?

  “But then?” Craig was on a roll. “Then the best guy ever, Constantino. Did I say that right?”

  “No. But call me Dino,” Dino said.

  “The best guy ever, Dino.”

  “I like him,” Dino said, nodding at Craig, and looping his arm around Silas. It was a casual move and Silas leaned into it, pretending it happened all the time. It wasn’t difficult, probably given the distraction of whatever the heck was going on. Why, exactly, was Dino the best guy ever?

  Dino gave him a squeeze. “You didn’t tell me your sister had great taste.”

  Silas and Elisha rolled their eyes in perfect unison, then snorted the same noise of annoyance. They looked at each other and burst out laughing. The guys stared.

  “This way,” Elisha said. They started walking, turning left at the corner.

  “I’m not disagreeing,” Dino said. “Because I am, indeed, the best guy ever, but what does that have to do with your wedding?”

  “Ah.” Craig picked the thread of the story back up. “Well, it’s because she’s the best woman ever, and she didn’t want to put the best brother ever through a wedding.”

  “What?” Silas stopped walking. Dino pulled him half a step before he stopped, too.

  “That’s not it at all,” Elisha said. Craig shrugged one shoulder.

  She exhaled. “I said I’d rather elope. There’s no way our parents wouldn’t railroad any wedding I tried to put together—even now Mom is trying to meddle—and I didn’t want that.” She paused. “And, okay, yes. I also didn’t want you to have to suffer through it either, especially not alone. Because you know they’d have come up with some bullshit about not needing a date or—God forbid—the optics.”

  Silas had always downplayed the worst of being around their family for Elisha, but it looked like she’d seen more than he’d thought. On one hand, it made him feel warm and snuggly, because his sister cared enough not to put him in their line of fire.

  On the other, however, if he was hearing her right, was she saying…

  “Then you got a boyfriend,” Elisha said, confirming his worst fears. “Without telling me. Dick move, by the way. But you have a boyfriend—”

  “The best guy ever,” Craig said.

  “It bears repeating,” Dino said.

  They fist-bumped.

  Elisha sighed. “So, I figured if I sprung it on our dear parents with limited time, there’s only so much damage they could do, and if I arranged it for Christmas Day, their political friends couldn’t come, and you two could be here.” She smiled at him. “It’s kind of selfish, too. I mean, I know just because Dino’s here, Manny’s not going to be magically perfect, but I do want to marry this dolt, and if I’m gonna have a wedding, I would be nice if you came, and…” She paused. “This way you get to be a bridesmaid.”

  “What?” Silas gasped.

  “Oh, and you’re totally a groomsman,” Craig said to Dino.

  “Deal,” Dino said.

  “I…” Silas’s mouth opened and closed. He couldn’t process. Bridesmaid? That was awesome. But also terrible. Because unless he was mistaken, his sister was only getting married on Christmas Day because she believed he and Dino were together.

  “Come on,” Craig said. “Let’s go eat. And I want to buy this man a beer.”

  “You’re on,” Dino said, tugging Silas along with him.

  His sister looked at him. Silas gave her a You’re-the-best smile and tried not to barf.

  This was a disaster.

  * * *

  Silas still hadn’t regained his balance as he slid into the booth with Elisha. Craig and Dino were checking out the beer list at the bar.

  “Okay,” Elisha said, leaning across the table. “Dino is hot.”

  “Right? Did you see Manny’s face?” Silas said. Despite reeling over learning maybe-the-only-reason-this-wedding-was-happening-was-based-on-a-lie, that same lie still provided fun on a whole different level. Showing Dino off, despite him technically not being Silas’s to show off, was just fun.

  Elisha laughed. “He looked like he’d been hit by a truck.”

  “You know all his paradigms were falling apart.” Silas frowned, crossing his arms. “This manly man can’t be queer! He’s so strong! And why is he so much better looking than me?”

  Elisha lowered her voice an octave. “I’m the big manly man. How can this man be a bigger, manlier man? It’s my whole thing! I trademarked it and everything!”

  Craig and Dino took that moment to rejoin them. They both carried two glasses each. Silas and Elisha looked up at them, pausing their impressions mid-laugh.

  “What’d we miss?” Craig said. He put one glass in front of Elisha before he sat.

  Elisha and Silas shared a look. “Nothing.”

  “Uh-oh.” Dino pointed at Silas. “That’s his speak-no-evil look. We just interrupted something.” He slid a drink over to Silas.

  “Hey!” Silas shoved Dino’s shoulder. “You’re on my side, remember?” He picked up the drink and sipped. Cider, and not too sweet. Perfect.

  “Always, Little Man.” Dino leaned over and kissed the top of his head. Silas glanced around the restaurant, but they were tucked in a corner, mostly out of sight.

  “Careful. This isn’t the Village,” he reminded Dino.

  “Did you just call him Little Man?” Elisha’s eyebrow rose.

  “It’s not his fault,” Silas started, b
ut Craig interrupted with a laugh, and both Silas and Dino turned to him.

  “I called her ‘little’ exactly once,” Craig said.

  “It was Reed,” Silas said, then realized she didn’t know who he was when Elisha shook her head. “Sorry. Dino’s boss, Fiona and her wife have two kids, Melody and Reed. He’s got apraxia—he struggles with language, certain sounds especially—including ‘S,’ which makes my name an issue. This one time—which we will not discuss—he called Dino ‘Big Man’ and me ‘Little Man’ and…”

  “It stuck,” Dino said.

  “It’s possible he made it stick,” Silas said. “But I like it.”

  “Why won’t we discuss it?” Elisha asked, showing her usual kid sister skill for detecting embarrassing stories.

  “It’s actually pretty funny,” Dino said.

  Silas looked at him.

  “Another time,” Dino said, recovering smoothly.

  “I think it’s great.” Craig kissed Elisha’s head. “Though I’d never, ever dream of using something similar to describe you, love.”

  “Smart man,” Elisha said. “But can we go back to the part where my brother is babysitting?”

  “What?” Silas said.

  “You and children? Like actual little proto-people?”

  “Oh, we weren’t babysitting. We were—” Dino started.

  Silas cleared his throat.

  “The point is, he’s brilliant with kids,” Dino said. “He even handles my nieces and nephews, and they are unstoppable. They all want his help with their Hallowe’en costumes next year. He’s gonna be the best dad.”

  Whoa. A lump of something caught in Silas’s throat, and he took a sip of his cider to cover it.

  Elisha stared at him. “Who are you?” she said.

  He raised his eyebrows. “I like kids.”

  “Do you guys want children?” Craig asked so casually and mildly, Silas relaxed a little more. Craig, it seemed, was a solidly good guy. Or at least, the thought of a pair of gay dads didn’t give him pause, which wasn’t nothing.