Faux Ho Ho

by Nathan Burgoine

  “I’m sure. What are uncles for? Come get him tomorrow.”

  “Thank you, Silas,” Olivia said. “I’m so glad Dino has someone like you. I’ll text when we’re on our way.”

  “Anytime,” Silas said. He hung up and eyed A.J., who blinked heavily, cradling the biggest bowl Silas owned. “You want something to drink? Some water, maybe, or some ginger ale?”

  “Water, please.”

  Poor kiddo. He looked miserable, whether it was self-inflicted or not. Silas got up to get a glass of water and fired off a quick text to Felix.

  Presto’s appearance is unfortunately canceled on account of sick kiddo. Have fun.

  By the time he filled the glass, Felix replied.

  Feel free to send He-Man on without you.

  Silas rolled his eyes.

  Sorry, Bobby is mine, he typed, then stopped, looking at the words on the phone. What had Dino’s sister said? So glad Dino has someone like you. And A.J., too. He is way cooler than your last boyfriend. Almost like everyone enjoyed the fake boyfriend joke.

  He swallowed, closed his eyes, and took a breath.

  Fake, Silas. Fake.

  He deleted the last word of the text, and typed again.

  Sorry, Bobby is spoken for. Uncle duties.

  He hit send and brought the water to A.J., who took a couple of sips, and then lay down on the couch under a blanket. Less than a minute later, he was fast asleep.

  So much for a costume party, Silas thought. It’d be him, Dino, and the kid tonight. He should have been disappointed, and he was a little bit. But a Hallowe’en at home with Dino and A.J.? That could be a solidly good thing.

  So glad Dino has someone like you.

  Silas took a breath, and pulled out his laptop. He’d tweak the fundraising set-up for Pride March until Dino got back. He wanted it to be perfect before he finally set it in motion.

  Chapter Sixteen—December

  Silas couldn’t decide where to go. He rode the elevator back down to the ground floor, then got off and just stood there.

  Go get him. Go stop him. Don’t let him leave.

  But he couldn’t. He closed his eyes, fighting to catch his breath. His chest was so tight he almost gasped each breath. He leaned against the wall.

  It had all gone so completely wrong. Inertia pulled him to one of the large plush chairs off by the fireplace. He sat and stared into the fire for a minute before closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the cushion. He swallowed a few times. His throat ached.

  The next thing he knew, his phone buzzed, and he jerked, blinking heavily. Pulling it out of his pocket took so much effort.

  Where are you? Are you okay? A text from Anne.

  He frowned, then typed.

  Just taking a breather. What’s up?

  He waited, staring at the screen.

  Craig’s parents are here, we’re all in the meeting room.

  Silas looked at the time on his screen and flinched.

  Oh jeez. Sorry. I lost track of time.

  He was already up and walking when the next text arrived.

  Manny told us Dino had to go. I’m sorry. Is everything okay?

  Silas slowed. His fingers shook as he typed a reply.

  What did Manny say exactly?

  When the reply came, Silas closed his eyes, counted to ten, and started walking again.

  * * *

  Manny didn’t really say. A serious problem back home.

  Facing the collective gazes of the Waite family staring him down burned, sure, but to Silas’s surprise, Craig’s mother’s expression stopped him mid-stride just short of the large table. They were all watching him.

  Elisha looked upset on his behalf. Craig and Anne, too. Manny, though, shared an insufferably smug smirk with Micah, and their wives were pursing their lips like they’d sucked a particularly tart lemon. No doubt Manny had told them the “truth.” And his parents, though stone-faced, looked ready to launch into undoubtedly pre-prepared speeches about how disappointed they were. He wondered if Manny had told them, too, but their expressions were pretty much par for the course, so who could tell?

  But Craig’s mother, a woman he’d never even met before this moment, offered a kind smile. And when he met her gaze, she turned her head in a little nod of support. Beside her, her husband offered the same.

  And that did it.

  Not disappointment, or anger, or barely concealed I-told-you-so. Empathy.

  It just felt wrong to take Craig’s parents’ empathy.

  “There’s no emergency,” Silas said.

  “What?” Elisha said.

  “Silas, this isn’t the time,” Manny said.

  “Dino and I were never dating.” Silas glared at his brother. “So, he didn’t cheat on me. He’s just my roommate. Since April.”

  For the first time since the plane had landed in Alberta, all the pressure in Silas’s chest loosened.

  “What?” Manny said. “Why would you…?”

  “I don’t understand,” Elisha said, each word trembling just a little.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said. “It snowballed. They were trying to badger me into coming home for Thanksgiving.” He gestured at their parents, not wanting to break eye contact with Elisha. He needed her to understand. “Dino did what he always does. He tried to fix it. He jumped in, pretended we were dating, and said we were spending Thanksgiving with his parents.”

  “Okay.” She frowned, but nodded.

  He took a breath. “Leesh, I hate it here. I really hate it here. I think you know that. But I love you. When the wedding invitation came…” He sighed. “I didn’t want to screw up your day, so...”

  “So much for that,” Manny said.

  “Shut up, Manny,” Elisha said.

  He sighed. “And here we go. Elisha defending Silas no matter what he does.”

  She glared at him. “Maybe if you didn’t constantly do everything you can to make him feel like shit, I wouldn’t have to.”

  “Excuse me? I’m supposed to know he lied to us? I was looking out for him,” Manny said.

  “Oh, fuck off, Manny!”

  It wasn’t until everyone turned to stare that Silas realized the person who’d yelled at his brother was him.

  Manny scowled. “I—”

  “I don’t care.” Silas cut him off. “If you need to tell yourself you were looking out for me to feel better about it, enjoy. But we both know you couldn’t wrap your head around why someone as amazing as Dino could be with me. It didn’t once occur to you he could love me. The only thing he could possibly want from me was money. You have this idea about what being a man is, and it’s so wrong I don’t even know where to begin. That man? He could break someone in half with those arms, but he never fucking would. He lifts people, he doesn’t shove them down. If someone even half as good as him wanted to be with me I would be so damn lucky. He’s kind. He cares. If there’s someone who needs help, he’s there. He was willing to let you think he was some kind of gold digging scum so I wouldn’t have to have all of you looking at me the way you’re looking at me right now. He is so much better than you, Manny. I wish he loved me. Lord knows I love him.”

  Silas’s breath hitched.

  Holy shit.

  “I love him,” he said it again and stared Manny down until his older brother looked away, then he turned back to Elisha again.

  “I’m so sorry. The whole point of this was so you wouldn’t have to defend me. You could have your day, and I’d have backup, and none of this…” He waved his hand around the room. “Would happen. But it did. And, Leesh? I need to go,” Silas said. “I do love that guy, and I really need to go stop him before he gets on a plane. I’ll try and be back for the wedding, but if he’s gone home, I’m going after him.”

  Elisha’s eyes were full of tears, but she smiled. “Go get him.”

  “Silas,” his father said, the word a command.

  “No,” Silas said. “Whatever you’re about to say? No.”

&nbs
p; He turned to go but now Manny stood in the way. He grabbed Silas’s arm. “Don’t you dare leave this room. I am sick to death of your pansy-ass dramas, Silas. Man up for once.”

  “You don’t have the first idea what that could possibly mean.” Silas glanced at Manny’s hand and then back up at his face. “Let go. Now.”

  “Or what? You are not going after that fucking fa—”

  The kick would have made Rob proud. Perfectly centered in Manny’s face, it sent his brother falling back. He landed hard on his ass, both hands covering his face.

  “My nobe!” His voice was thick and panicked. “He brode my fuggin’ nobe!” His fingers came away with blood.

  Silas held his stance a moment longer, only relaxing when Manny didn’t do anything else. He lowered his leg and turned back to the stunned room.

  Anne lowered her phone. “That. Was. Awesome.”

  Everyone snapped out of it at her words. Manny’s wife and Micah went to Manny’s side. Silas’s parents both started to speak at once, his mother pleading and his father yelling, but Elisha snapped at them to be quiet, Craig at her side. Geoff spoke to his parents in rapid fire, and Nelson honestly looked like he was fighting off laughter.

  Silas turned and left.

  It wasn’t fleeing. He wasn’t running away.

  He tried their room first, but none of Dino’s stuff remained. Of course.

  “Damn it.”

  Silas grabbed all his belongings as fast as he could, throwing everything into his bags without looking, then lugged them down to the hotel lobby, stopping at the desk just long enough to pass over the keycards. “Keep these. I might be back, might not. If I don’t come back, just check me out.”

  He didn’t give them time to reply. He jogged away from the counter and out the front doors, heading for the taxi stand. Snow blew through the failing light of the day, fat flakes covering his glasses in seconds.

  He threw his bags into the back seat of the first cab and slid in after.

  “Where to?” the driver said.

  “The airport.”

  Chapter Seventeen—November

  “The last of the vile, undead creatures falls still on the end of your sword, sliding off and splashing into the water,” Nick said, taking the little grey figurine off the map and putting it back behind the DM’s screen. He looked up at them from behind the folded cardboard, lowering his voice to a whisper. “The half-flooded hold falls silent, except for the sound of you all panting and catching your breaths.”

  “I’m almost out of spell slots, by the way,” Silas said. “So, it would be great if you’d all stop getting paralyzed and stuff.” He eyed Felix.

  “Hey,” Felix said, “Borz is a monk. It’s his job to punch things up close, and I didn’t know they could do that paralyzing thing.”

  “Let’s just find the trunk and go,” Toma said. Whenever he spoke in character as his ranger, Carn, he used a low, grumbly voice.

  Owen nodded. “Agreed. We’ve got a job to do. I’ll cast a light spell.”

  “Those of us who cannot see in the dark thank you,” Ru said. “What can I see?”

  “Kallax’s light spell reaches about half the length of the hold. You see many barrels and crates, mostly jumbled along the port side of the ship, thanks to how it’s listing.” Nick paused. “Investigation checks?”

  “Should I bother?” Silas said, rolling anyway. The result on the twenty-sided die, a four, made it clear that he should not have bothered. “Tane gets a whopping five.”

  “Twenty-six,” Ru said.

  “Showoff,” Silas said.

  “Eight. This dice hates me,” Felix said, banishing his third twenty-sided die back to his dice bag and pulling out a fresh one.

  No one outdid Ru’s twenty-six.

  “You all dig through the crates as best you can in the murky water, but it doesn’t look like the trunk you were sent to find is in this half of the hold.”

  “Or it is and we missed it,” Owen said. “I’ll bring my light to the other half, though, and we can try again.”

  “Just as you shine your light into the farthest corner of the cargo hold, the whole ship lurches as something monstrously large announces itself by hitting the starboard side of the ship with a thunderous noise.”

  The apartment door opened, and Dino walked in. They all stared at him.

  “Hey,” he said.

  They burst out laughing.

  Dino checked his shirt, and even looked behind him. “What?”

  “Just timing,” Silas said.

  “Okay,” Dino said. “Sorry to interrupt. Forgot something.” He popped into his bedroom and returned a moment later, gym bag in hand. He eyed Silas. “We still good for swimming later?” His usual enthusiasm and smile were missing, his shoulders hunched.

  “Definitely,” Silas said, wondering what was up. “Nick is about to kill all of us, so we’ll be done soon.”

  “I am not going to kill you all.” Nick’s grin left ample doubt. “I mean, not on purpose.”

  “Well, enjoy. I look forward to the recap.” Dino waved and left.

  Okay, something was definitely up. Silas frowned.

  “I would like to recap with him,” Felix said.

  Toma laughed. “You and pretty much everyone.”

  Felix shrugged. “The man is gorgeous. Even with the beard.”

  “Don’t knock beards,” Toma said, stroking his own. “And hey, ask him out. He’s not seeing anyone in particular. Or at least, he hasn’t said so at work. I’m sure he’d say yes.”

  “Is that your way of saying he likes desperate nurses who haven’t been groped by anyone under seventy in more than six months?”

  Toma laughed. “I don’t think he has a type, honestly.”

  “That’s not true,” Silas said. “He absolutely has a type.”

  The whole table turned. Okay, maybe that had come out a bit…strident.

  Toma chuckled. “Okay.” Toma and Dino worked together at Body Positive, but Silas didn’t think they hung out outside of work.

  “Well, he does,” Silas said. “He likes…I’d call it genuine maybe. People who aren’t cynical. People who give their best to others. He’s not, like, omnivorous. I’ll admit he doesn’t really do much to discount the reputation, but that’s just judgey assholes being judgey. He’s just, I don’t know…happy to enjoy someone’s company.”

  “I’m not cynical, right?” Felix said. “Because I think I’m pretty not cynical.”

  Silas smiled at him but didn’t reply. The thought of Felix asking Dino out, and Felix’s less-than-subtle hints, rankled. Felix was a fun friend, and he supposed Felix wasn’t cynical, but the idea of him with Dino?

  No. Viscerally, no. He remembered something Dino had said to him once. That someone wasn’t right for Silas because Silas was a giver and deserved another giver. Maybe that could be it. Whatever Dino was—and why can’t I find the right word?—Felix didn’t match. Or complement. Or compensate. Or whatever.

  “Should I ask what that look means?” Felix said.

  “It means something large just hit the ship, and we’re all below decks and low on hit points and spell slots,” Silas said, pointing at the map on the middle of the table.

  Nick picked up the narrative, and Owen got a lucky roll that finally located the trunk they were looking for while the giant whatever still thumped and bumped against the ship’s hull. Their little group of adventurers weren’t out of trouble yet.

  Silas found himself regarding Felix in between choosing his actions for his cleric. It struck him he didn’t know a lot about Felix. He had a penchant for telling terrible jokes, and a borderline lack of impulse control that led to catastrophic life choices, including an April Fool’s prank resulting in Toma and Owen’s first date. That worked out in the end, sure, but it still served as a perfect example of Felix never considering fallout. When Silas imagined, just for a second, Felix and Dino out on a date, he could grudgingly admit they’d probably have a great time. Felix’s �
��why not?” attitude worked a lot like Dino’s “try new things” approach to life.

  So why did the idea bother him?

  By the time their characters had gotten the trunk up on to the deck of the half-wrecked ship, and Nick had revealed the source of the sounds to be a huge, angry octopus, trying to keep the rest of the party alive with the few spell slots he had left finally drove the idea of Felix dating Dino out of Silas’s thoughts.

  * * *

  “Did you die?”

  Silas turned from his laptop and shook his head. “Nearly. But Tane managed to dominate the elder octopus with his trident.”

  Dino put down his gym bag. He tilted his head. “Kinky.”

  Silas laughed. “Not like that. It’s enchanted to control marine animals.”

  Dino managed a wan smile.

  “So, can I ask what happened?” Silas said.

  Dino blew out a breath. “That obvious?”

  “Just to me,” Silas said. “Work thing?”

  Dino nodded, but fell silent.

  “If you want to skip swimming, we can do a night in. I’ve got everything I need to make nachos. We can do swimming tomorrow.”

  “Really?” Dino looked up. “You don’t mind?”

  Silas laughed. “We have met, right? A night in, and melted cheese? Throw in cuddles and retro sci-fi, and we might achieve theoretical peak Silas.”

  “Deal.” Dino went into his room and changed, then helped Silas prep nachos together on a baking tray. Once Silas slid them into the oven, he took a moment to consider, then pulled two ciders out of the fridge and brought them to the table, while Dino scrolled through every streaming service they had for something suitably mindless.

  Nachos plated, Silas brought them to the little table in front of the couch and then sat beside Dino.

  “Here,” Dino said, raising his left arm.

  “Sorry?” Silas said.

  “You said cuddles. I refuse to fall short of peak Silas.”

  Silas laughed, oddly hesitant for a second, but Dino didn’t lower his arm, so he gave in and leaned against him. Dino tugged him in closer and gave him a little squeeze.