I didn’t want to take them out on her. As much as it hurt me, I would rather send her away.
Lindsey looked like I’d slapped her across the face, but she didn’t argue. She stepped back from the truck and gave a single nod. “Fair enough. I guess we do both have a lot that needs to be dealt with. Thank you, again, for the ride. And for being there for me yesterday. I appreciate it.”
“Of course,” I said. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
Forcing myself to roll up the window, I drove out of the parking lot before either of us could say anything else. My house seemed utterly quiet and empty when I got back. I sat down on the couch, and Frankie jumped up. His head rested on my lap, and I stroked his soft fur. Now would be the time when I would usually talk to him about what I was going through. But even he couldn’t help me this time.
I shucked off my clothes and replaced them with cotton lounge pants and an old, worn T-shirt. With nothing else to do, I popped a massive bowl of popcorn and drowned it with butter before carrying it into the living room. I spent the rest of the afternoon stretched out on the couch watching movies. When the popcorn ran out, I went for cookies. My sweet tooth satisfied, I brought in a plate of crackers and cheese. The rotation of snacks accompanied by a parade of beer kept me company and helped distract me.
Sending Lindsey back to her house was supposed to be about me getting the chance to really think about how I was feeling. It was meant to give us distance and offer me some perspective. But I couldn’t bring myself to think too hard on it. Not right then. Every time I did, the hurt and anger only got worse, and I didn’t want to deal with it.
I stayed there on the couch until late into the night. Frankie started protesting me still being awake, and I assuaged him by turning off the TV and going into my bedroom. He wasn’t just a creature of habit when it came to getting up in the morning or wanting his dinner at the same time at night. Frankie had given himself a bedtime.
I brushed my teeth and splashed water on my face, then got in bed. Turning out the lights, I hoped sleep would come over me quickly. But my eyes stayed stubbornly open. As the hours ticked by, my sleep stayed fitful and sparse. I finally crashed sometime after three and woke up to the sound of my alarm angry and out of sorts.
That anger stayed with me through the next day all the way up until it was time to go to Quentin’s house for Sunday supper.
When I’d first brought Lindsey with me to the barbecue, I thought that was it. It was going to be our weekly activity now. Whether the dinner was at my parents’ house or Quentin’s, Lindsey was coming along. And it seemed everyone else thought that way, too, because when I walked in, their eyes immediately went to the empty spot by my side.
“Is Lindsey doing okay?” Quentin asked. “I thought she’d be here.”
“Well, she’s not. She had other things to do,” I answered.
“I heard there was some sort of private event at the bar last night. There weren’t problems with it, were there?” Mom asked.
“Not as far as I know,” I said. “But I don’t keep up with every detail of her business. It’s hers to worry about.”
When the others had given up and gone to sit around the fire pit, Nick approached me. He held a beer in one hand and offered me another. I took the bottle but didn’t open it.
“Is she doing okay?” he asked. “Like, really. After everything from Friday, is she coping alright?”
I turned a glare toward him. “Shouldn’t you know that? I thought you knew everything about her before everybody else did.”
I walked away, needing to be alone for a couple of minutes. I was ready to write off the whole day and go home when my father came up to me.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
I shrugged dismissively. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve been snapping at everybody since you’ve walked in here. Don’t think we haven’t noticed the change that’s come over you. I love you, son, but I’m telling you right now. Whatever crawled up your ass, it needs to vacate by tomorrow,” he said.
“Duly noted,” I said.
I started to walk around him, but he took me by the arm and stopped me. “Seriously, Vince. Some very nice people work for us, and they don’t deserve this temper. I want you over this before you show up at the complex tomorrow.”
I nodded and walked away. Dad was right about our employees. There weren’t many of them, but the ones who were there had been around a good while and were considered friends. They shouldn’t have to deal with whatever demons were thrashing around inside me.
I asked Dad to tell everybody I left and headed straight home. I turned off my phone and tossed it onto my bed, then stripped out of my clothes and into a bathing suit. Dipping down into the crystal-clear water of my pool immediately brought new sharpness and clarity to my mind. That was exactly what I needed—time to think. I did my best thinking under the water.
32
Lindsey
I didn’t know what I had done, but I was right about that last time Vince and I were together feeling like a goodbye. It was so hard to describe it then, and I wanted to chalk it up just to all the stress and anxiety pressing down on me. But the heavy, sad feeling stayed firm in the back of my mind even as I laughed and joked with him. Even as I gazed into his eyes and searched desperately for the sparkle that was suddenly gone.
I could feel something pulling us apart. After the first four days of not hearing anything from Vince and having him ignore all my phone calls and text messages, I broke down and talked to Nick. It wasn’t something I wanted to do. As understanding and even enthusiastic as Nick was about Vince and me, the reality was he was still my best friend and Vince’s brother. Even if we could put aside the inherent awkwardness of him talking about the sex life between his best friend and his brother, the conversation would put him in an impossible position.
Talking about any sort of conflict or tension between Vince and me naturally put Nick in the middle. I wasn’t asking him to be. At no point did I intend on asking him to pick sides or show allegiance. The relationship he had with me was completely different than the relationship he had with his brother, and I would never presume to come before Vince.
But there was also just the reality that Vince and I had existed in each other’s universes long before we let our feelings for each other take over. There was no reason we couldn’t go back to that existence again. I just didn’t want Nick to struggle with feeling like he was betraying either one of us. I tried to hold it all in. I tried to keep it to myself and not get him involved. But as the fifth day started to slip past, I couldn’t take it anymore.
I didn’t get much inside information out of him. He admitted his older brother had been in a mood for the last several days, but that didn’t tell me anything. All the Freeman boys with the exception of Darren were known for bouts of moodiness and even snaps of sharp tempers. Merry was absolutely accurate when she described them as marshmallows, but that didn’t mean they never showed emotion.
I prodded Nick a little further, trying to get him to admit to anything Vince might have said to him. Apparently, he had kept just as quiet as I did. They were gearing up for a race and wanted to make a good showing, Nick told me. It was important to stay on top, especially after the exhibition didn’t turn out the way any of them planned. Maybe he was just distracted.
I tried to tell myself that, to agree with Nick, but that only lasted another day. And by the one-week mark, my hope was fading out of me. By ten days, missing Vince had turned into an emptiness within me, and by the time it had been two full weeks since I’d heard a single peep from him, I had resigned myself to him giving up on us.
That was also the time when I told myself I really didn’t have time to worry about him. I had a hurt little boy who was still trying to recover from his injuries, and a business to run that was growing in popularity and new opportunities more quickly than I expected.
Not to mention I had been putting far too much energy into worrying abo
ut Vince. It left me tired with an upset stomach. I needed to take control of my life again. Vince was an unexpected distraction in my path, and even if I hoped it would become something, I needed to let it go. As soon as Remy was born and I knew I had no intention of raising him alongside Grant, I came to the agreement with myself that it was just going to be my son and me.
I didn’t need anyone else. I didn’t need Vince. That’s what I would tell myself until I believed it.
Telling myself to put Vince out of my mind and concentrate on my life was far easier than actually doing it. I still felt tired and run-down a couple days later when I was at the bar cleaning glasses. A wave of nausea hit me, and a glass slipped from my hand. Fortunately, my waitress Abigail happened to be standing right next to me. Her ability to snatch the glass out of midair was masterful, and I had the compulsion to applaud her.
Abigail laughed and shook her head as she set the glass down on the counter again. “I have a very insistent cat who likes to fling things off any surface she can when she wants attention. I’ve learned to catch things.”
“Maybe you should add it to your resume. It sounds like a special skill you might find marketable,” I said.
Her eyes narrowed at me. “Was that your way of firing me?”
I shook my head. “No. Of course not. It sounded a lot funnier in my head before I actually let it come out of my mouth.”
She nodded and started to turn away but looked back and examined my face a little closer.
“Are you doing okay? You don’t look great,” she said.
“I don’t feel great,” I told her. “I’ve been absolutely exhausted the last few days and I’m dealing with a bunch of stomach upset. It has been less than pleasant.”
She laughed at my description. “You might want to get into the doctor if you’re not feeling any better by tomorrow. I know there’s a virus going around. It wiped out a good chunk of my book club last week.”
I agreed, hoping it wouldn’t have to come to that. But by the next morning, I was only feeling worse and decided it was time to get checked out. The last thing I needed was to pass a bunch of germs around my customers and get everybody sick.
At least, I thought that was the last thing I needed. I stuck to that until the doctor said words I’d heard before, but never thought I’d hear again. Especially not now.
“You’re pregnant.”
I blinked at him a few times, sure he was going to start laughing. But he didn’t.
“Pregnant?” I asked. “Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure,” he said. “When you described your symptoms, I suspected it could be nutritional deficiencies, so I had them draw that blood and run labs on it. One of the customary tests we run on any woman of childbearing years is a pregnancy test. And yours came up positive. Which also explains the symptoms you’ve been having.”
I shook my head, completely incredulous. “That can’t be. I can’t be pregnant.”
“Are you saying you haven’t been having sex?” he asked.
I stumbled over figuring out the words to answer him. “Not recently.”
“Anytime in the last two months?” he asked.
My cheeks burned. “Yes. A few times starting a little less than a month and a half ago.”
“That timing makes sense for the onset of your symptoms. We could do an ultrasound to check in on the developments, see if it would pinpoint the timeline a little more,” he offered.
A few minutes later, I was staring at the computer screen at an image I couldn’t wrap my head around.
“I’m really pregnant,” I said under my breath.
“Yep,” he confirmed. “It’s still very early days. Four or five weeks at the most. Remember, gestational weeks count from your last period, so you have to account for two extra weeks that already existed in the pregnancy the moment you conceived.”
I nodded. “Yes, I know. I went over all that when I was pregnant with my son. I’ve done all this before. How could I have not realized that’s what was going on?”
“You didn’t have symptoms like this when you were pregnant with your first child?”
“No,” I said. “He was an easy pregnancy. Some food aversions early on and hip pain at the end, but that was it. This doesn’t feel anything like that.”
“Every pregnancy is different. Just because you’ve had a child before doesn’t mean you will know one hundred percent what to expect. It seems like this little one just wanted to be known.”
I was still trying to process it an hour later when I walked out of the doctor’s office with a strip of fuzzy ultrasound pictures, a bottle of prenatal vitamins, and a packet of information about the prenatal program at the local birthing center. As I got into my car, my phone rang. I immediately picked it up and answered.
“Hello?” I said.
“Lindsey?” Charlie said.
Hearing his voice snapped me back into a whole new level of reality. I had nearly forgotten about the whole lawyer mess, especially after that doctor’s appointment. But now he was calling, and I couldn’t help but feel palpitations wondering what was coming next.
“Hi,” I said. “How’s everything?”
“I am calling to ask you to come in today,” Charlie said.
“Right now isn’t good for me,” I told him. “I’m on my way to see Remy for a little while. But I can come in later if that still works for you.”
“Absolutely,” he said. “I look forward to seeing you.”
I got off the phone and didn’t even know if I said goodbye or not. My brain was too far away from me right that moment. I drove to Grant’s house on autopilot, not even realizing how far I’d gone until I pulled into his driveway. His car wasn’t there, but a tiny yellow compact stood in its place. When I got to the door, a bright-eyed woman opened it. She grinned out at me, not at all surprised to see me.
“Hello,” she said. “You must be Lindsey.”
“Yes,” I said.
She extended her hand. “I’m Isabelle. Remy’s nanny. Grant had to go into at the office for a little while, so I’m here to keep an eye on the little guy.”
“Oh,” I said. “It’s good to meet you.”
“You, too. Remy is just the sweetest thing. I love being here with him.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I think he’s pretty special, too.”
It was one of the most awkward conversations I’d ever had, even if I wasn’t just babbling out whatever words came to mind while struggling to think about anything but my visit to the doctor. I couldn’t wrap my head around the reality of it. As I walked in to see Remy, memories of him as a newborn rushed into my mind. I never thought I would have another child after him. He was such a surprise in my life, and I figured it would just be the two of us. Now I was facing down the reality of another surprise.
It wasn’t Grant’s this time, which I wanted to think of as a good thing. But I couldn’t help but dwell on the fact that Vince had ghosted me. Tears came to my eyes as I tried to process it all and figure out what was going to happen next.
But I couldn’t let myself do that right now. I was with Remy, and he was what mattered. We had a fun day together even if he was cranky with his cast and sling. A couple of hours later, his medicine sent him off to sleep, and I kissed him before leaving and making my way to the lawyer’s office. As I slid into a parking spot, I noticed a Jaguar already parked there. I knew that car. It belonged to Beatrice and Edgar Waters. But seeing that wasn’t as much of a surprise as Vince’s truck parked right beside it.
My stomach flipped over when I saw it. This whole day was just one big ball of ridiculous coming at me from the universe. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the onslaught to come.
33
Vince
I thought the first couple of days avoiding Lindsey were going to be the hardest. As it turned out, it only got more difficult as the days went by. I wanted to call her. Every day I woke up thinking about her. There were a thousand little moments when I wan
ted to tell her something or ask her a question. But I stopped myself.
Every time I got close to picking up the phone, I remembered how it felt to stand there in the hospital. I remembered the way the anger bubbled up inside me when I heard my brother’s voice. Then I thought about Grant and the way he was trying to slide back into her life. Not that I could blame him. She was an amazing woman, and also the mother of his child.
But understanding his motivations to want her back didn’t mean I could accept it easily. The entire situation left me confused, angry, and overwhelmed. Maybe I should have ignored that first protective instinct when I saw her so upset at the bar all those weeks ago. If I had just pushed it down and not let myself think about it, I wouldn’t be struggling like this.
I still longed for Lindsey, but there was constantly a voice in the back of my head saying what I needed to be thinking about was what was right for her. Not what mattered to me. Her life wasn’t just hers. She had her son to think about. Even in the small amount of time I got to spend with him, I realized what a great little boy Remy was. At just three years old, he was smart and funny. He faced a life of adversity and challenge, but that didn’t seem to matter to him. He was just ready to live life however it came.
The accident with the porch was the perfect illustration of that. He had no fear, no desire to hide from the world just because it wasn’t the same for him that it was for everyone else. He should have a family surrounding him. Both his parents all the time rather than being at the center of conflict. And Lindsey deserved to just enjoy life and not have to deal with the stress and anxiety caused by battling her ex over visitation and custody.
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