He was both of those things.
A part of both worlds, and he loved each of them equally.
He thought maybe their last barrier was Julie realizing and accepting it.
“Hey now, hey now.” Ash was suddenly right there, breaking the spell. “We never get to see our Zee around here anymore. He finally shows, and here he is, all his focus on this girl he can’t seem to get enough of.”
Zee pulled back and grinned. “You’re exactly right, my friend. I can’t get enough.”
Ash slammed his hand over his heart. “You just love to destroy me, don’t you? Here I thought you came to see me, and look at this atrocity. I’m over here. All. Alone. By my lonesome. Without any lovin’.”
Zee gestured with his chin around the house crammed wall to wall, chicks everywhere, on the prowl just the same as the guys. It was a familiar scene Zee recognized all too well.
“Take a look, man,” Zee said. “The pickings are a plenty. Don’t think you have anything to worry about.”
Next to him, Julie cringed. Zee just hugged her tighter.
Ash grinned at her. “Ah…it’s all good, Zee. We know why you decided to go break all our hearts and ditch us. Got someone a hundred times prettier to keep your attention.”
He was all cocky smiles when he angled his head at her. “Can’t really compare to someone as gorgeous as you, now can I?”
Redness flushed Julie’s face.
Mark’s laugh bounded from across the kitchen as he shouldered through our direction, Veronica in tow. “Better keep an eye on your girl, little brother. Ash here will be trying to steal her away.”
Feigned horror struck all over Ash’s face. “Never. What kind of delinquent do you think I am?”
Mark chuckled. “We’ve all seen you in action, asshole. We know exactly what kind of delinquent you are.”
Mark squeezed his arm tighter around the girl at his side. “Veronica, don’t think I had the chance to introduce you. This is my baby brother, Zee.”
Mark’s eyes sparked in that old way, full of life, a smirk pulling to his mouth. “Although, he’s obviously bigger in all the ways that count. Thanks for outgrowing me, man. That’s just not cool. Not cool at all.”
Under his breath, Zee laughed. Leave it to Mark to put him on the spot. “Hey, you know I spent my childhood cleaning my plate because the only thing I wanted was to be taller than you.” Zee stretched out his arms. “Sweet, sweet success.”
Mark’s grin softened into a genuine smile. “Now that is something to celebrate. Sweet, sweet success.”
Zee turned to Veronica. “Nice to meet you.”
Veronica was pretty in a wicked way. She was tall and slim, and thick, super long waves bounced around her shoulders, the edge about her just as dark as the clothes she wore.
“It’s great to finally meet you. Your brother never stops talking about you.”
“Ahh…I guess that could be awkward.”
Maybe he had had too much to drink.
Of course, it was Ash who cracked up while Julie cringed. Again.
Zee was moving to soothe her, his arm locking around her waist as he tugged her close. “This is my girlfriend, Julie.”
The only acknowledgement was a mumbled hello, and Zee was wondering why it was chicks were always so damned competitive around each other, sizing each other up.
Like it mattered when it didn’t matter in the least.
Ash clapped his hands together. “All right, assholes, I do believe this shindig calls for another round. It’s Mark’s birthday. You know what that means…doubles.”
“How’s it you always find a reason for doubles?” I tossed out.
Ash backed away, hands held up with his palms out. “Hey now, hey now, I’m neither a glass half empty nor a glass half full kind of guy. I’m a full then empty then fill it right back up kind of guy.”
“Of course you are.”
“No shame, man, no shame.”
Mark slung an arm around Zee’s shoulder. “Glad you’re here, little brother. Today wouldn’t mean anything without you being by my side. What do you say we celebrate…we never know what day might be our last.”
Julie tore out the front door. Zee was right behind her. “Julie, come on. Don’t do this.”
She didn’t slow when she looked at him from over her shoulder. Tears streaked down her face, and her eyes were wide and horrified. “Stay away from me.”
Panic bubbled beneath his skin. “It wasn’t what it looked like. Please…just…wait.”
It didn’t take all that much effort for him to catch up. He reached out and snagged her around the wrist.
Rounding on him, she yanked her arm free and kept backing away. Music echoed from the house, the windows lit up, the night all around as Julie edged farther down the yard.
She was in shadows, but that didn’t mean Zee could miss the hurt written on her face. The piece of trust that had gone missing.
“It wasn’t what it looked like?” she accused.
“It wasn’t. I went to take a piss, and she was waiting for me when I came out. She caught me off guard.”
“You were kissing her.”
Zee roughed a shaking hand over his face, his buzz gone, shot the second he’d stepped out into the hall into what amounted to a trap when Jen, a chick he barely remembered, was waiting for him outside the door. “I wasn’t kissing her, Julie. Fuck…you really think I would kiss her? Let alone while you were waiting for me at the end of the hall?”
She pressed both her hands to her chest. “Tell me you haven’t slept with her before.”
Zee gulped around the regret that threatened to suffocate him. Choices. You left them littered behind you everywhere you went. Time never made them obsolete. “It was years ago, Julie. Before I ever met you.”
He watched grief strike her like a lightning rod. She stumbled back and Zee pushed toward her.
“Years ago,” he said like a demand, “and it didn’t mean anything. Nothing meant anything until I met you.”
“I just…” A sob tore up her throat, and she turned away, her hands yanking at clumps of her hair. “I can’t…I can’t do this, Zee. I know he’s your brother, but the girls…and…and then I walked in on him shooting up with his girlfriend.”
She turned back toward Zee, her shoulders slumping in helplessness. “It’s not me. It’s not who I ever want to be or who I want to surround myself with. I’m sorry, Zee. But it’s me or it’s them.”
Relief bounded through his body. It was physical. Palpable in his blood. He lurched for her, wrapping her in his arms, his mouth on her forehead, her cheeks, her lips. “You. I choose you. I will always choose you.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Zee
Sitting around watching everything you devoted your entire life to crumble around you was kind of surreal. Foundations splintering and walls collapsing.
Like I was watching it implode from a distance, and there wasn’t a goddamned thing I could do about it.
Ash leaned forward with his elbows on his knees where he sat in one of the big chairs in Anthony’s office, rubbing an anxious hand over the back of his head.
Like maybe he was rubbing at a genie in a bottle.
Making a few wishes so he could set everything right. A solution that worked to the benefit of everyone so each of us could walk out of this room and all those goals and aspirations and loyalties would be set straight.
Problem was, I wasn’t sure that any of my crew knew what those loyalties were anymore.
Everything had become convoluted.
Confused.
Those dedications and fidelities had all of a sudden taken a sharp turn, shifting all the focus to a new end game.
“Fuck…you guys don’t know how messed up I am over this. Making this decision. Know it leaves you all hanging, scrambling to find a replacement.”
“Now you know what that shit feels like.” Even though Lyrik’s words were hard, there was no resentment. “Letting your cr
ew down and knowing there isn’t another choice in the world you can make.”
Apparently, he’d had time to cool down since we’d left the hospital two days ago.
Ash shook his head, regretfully staring at his hands that he continuously rubbed together. “Funny how I was the one who hounded you for months until you gave in. Look what that got you. My fault, too.”
I hadn’t been a part of Sunder in those days. It was nearly ten years ago when Lyrik had tried to leave the band with the intention of leaving the lifestyle behind—the drugs and the parties and the women—so he could focus on what was right.
But I’d been close enough to all of them to get the gist of the tragedy Lyrik had suffered. The loss that had come at the cost of his mistakes.
Had been around to witness the aftermath.
I’d also been there to witness his resurrection.
The man had come back to life the moment Tamar had stepped into his.
Lyrik sighed heavily. “It was shit, man, those days. Everything falling apart. But you know damn well these circumstances are different. We’ve fought through the bullshit and made something out of it. Found something good. Both with the music and with our families.”
Austin sat forward. “Doesn’t make any of this easier, though, does it?”
Baz kneaded his fingers into his thigh, knee bouncing a million miles a minute. “I know I don’t have the right to say much in the matter, considering I was the one who bailed first. Only thing I can do is offer advice. My own experiences now that I can look back.”
Meaningfully, Ash looked at him. “You regret it? Stepping back? Leaving the stage that you love?”
Point blank, Baz stared back. “How could I ever regret a single second spent with my family?”
Ash nodded, knowing he’d be looking back in a few years and thinking the same exact thing.
Anthony was behind his desk, attention bouncing around between everyone, unsettled and uneasy. But just like he always had been, I knew he was there to have the band’s back. Ready to step up and fight for whatever was right for us.
I just didn’t know how the fuck that included me.
Austin cleared his throat. “I haven’t been an official member of Sunder for all that long, but I’ve felt like it…all those years living with you guys.” His lips pursed. “I don’t know how all of us can keep going like this. Leaving our families behind. Gets harder every time, and now that there are kids involved...”
Lyrik nodded in agreement. “I know, man.”
Austin rubbed the back of his neck. “Know too well that life is a gift. That we don’t know how many days we’re going to be granted. And the time I spend, I want it to count. I want it to matter.”
“Think it’s safe to say we all do,” Baz agreed softly.
Austin blinked. “I fucking love bein’ on that stage. Playing for our fans. Being a part of something bigger than the rest of us. But Edie and Sadie matter more, and I don’t want to waste the time I’m given with them.”
Lyrik yanked at his hair, agitation burning through his body. “Crazy thing is, this band brought all those amazing things into our lives. Wouldn’t have met Tamar if it hadn’t been for this band. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Anthony sent us out to Savannah to lie low while the dust blew over for Baz after the trouble he got himself into out here in LA.”
“And I wouldn’t have met Willow,” Ash added thoughtfully.
Austin laughed under his breath, glancing over at Ash. “And I definitely wouldn’t have had the chance to go sneaking into your sister’s room if she hadn’t come to spend the summer with us.”
Ash pointed at him. “Hey, asshole, I still haven’t forgiven you for that.”
Austin’s brow lifted. “Really?”
Ash laughed. “Nah, not really. Would’ve kicked your ass at the time, but there isn’t any doubt in my mind now that some things are just meant to be.”
Meant to be.
Those words tightened my chest and threatened to take hold.
Disbelief filled Baz’s chuckle. “Funny how things just work out, yeah? At the time we think everything is fallin’ to ruin, only to find out in the end we’d been diverted exactly to the place we were supposed to go.”
Lyrik nodded. “Yeah, but what about the music, man? Music’s in my blood. Just don’t know how to let that go.”
Austin hefted a shoulder. “Who said we have to let it go? Maybe we just do it on our terms.”
Everyone nodded while that emotion knotted in my throat.
Anthony glanced around. “So, what’s this mean?”
Lyrik looked over at him. “Means we do everything how we want. I say we do the show here. End this where we started it. Axe the rest of the tour. Make music when it fits and do some shows around that. But our families always, always come first.”
“You assholes are lucky I started the label and I’m gonna let you out of your contract.” Baz was all teasing grins.
Everyone laughed while Anthony tapped the back of his pen against his planner. “You guys are certain this is the direction you want to go?”
All of them agreed. Everyone except for me. Because I’d given up my life for this.
For a promise.
My penalty.
My penance.
And now I had a debt I didn’t know how to repay.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Alexis
The doorbell rang three times in quick succession. Surprised, I rushed for it and hiked up on my toes to peek through the peephole. I sucked in a quick breath when I saw him waiting for me on the other side.
I quickly worked through the lock and opened the door.
He pushed in the second it was unlatched, his big hands on my body as he tugged me against him. He didn’t hesitate, his mouth capturing mine.
Desperate.
Hungry.
Impatient.
My fingers sank into his shoulders, trying to make a connection, to break through the haze. Pulling back, I latched on to the confusion in that bronze gaze. “What’s wrong?”
Those arms tightened around me. “Tour is cancelled, all except for the show here. Guys say we’re gonna do things on our own terms.”
I buried my face in his chest. “What exactly does that mean?”
He hugged me to him, madly, as if I might have the power to hold him together. To help him stand. “It means everything is changing.” He sucked in a breath. “Don’t know who the fuck I am anymore, Alexis. Don’t know who I’m supposed to be. Don’t know who I am outside the band.”
I pulled back and threaded my fingers through his. “Come here.”
I led him to the couch and curled up at his side, our fingers still bound. “Are you okay?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“Is this about Mark?”
The sound that huffed from his lungs was unsure. “Think it’s always about Mark.”
I hesitated as my heart rate picked up a notch, knowing I was pressing, but needing to understand him better. “Tell me about him. About what happened to him.”
Zee gulped for air, the pain that ripped through him palpable. “Mark…he was always there for me. Always had my back. Because that’s what family does. They stand by you no matter what. But when shit went down and he needed me the most? I wasn’t there. Mark needed me, and I didn’t have his back. I failed him. God, in so many ways, I failed him.”
I squeezed his fingers as I peered up at him. “How?”
He hesitated as if he were searching for what he could share with me, those secrets churning in the depths of his eyes. “A bunch of shit went down right before he died. He was leaving on tour and we had this big blow out, things going to hell between us. He called me a couple weeks later. Told me he was in trouble. I didn’t listen.”
Horror climbed into my chest. “What kind of trouble?”
He lifted a shoulder. “I thought it was the same old shit. Drugs. He said he needed money. It wasn’t a few days later t
hat I got a call from Baz telling me he had OD’ed. He was just…gone.”
Zee’s gaze drifted toward the window, lost in the memory as his voice went quiet. “I got this agitated, unsettled feeling, knowing something was off. Deep inside, I knew it went deeper than that. I told Baz, but Baz…Baz was the one who’d found him. He was certain it wasn’t anything more than an overdose.”
I curled up closer to him, wishing to take some of his pain as he continued. “It wasn’t until four years ago that we found out it was more. You live a corrupt life, and you’re bound to get messed up with corrupt people. Apparently, he’d found out some shit he wasn’t supposed to know about a girl this bastard Martin Jennings had planned on taking out.”
I clutched him tighter, my pulse thrumming in my ears, terrified of what he was getting ready to reveal.
“Turned out it was Shea.”
I gasped. “What?”
“We didn’t know the connection until Baz and Shea had gotten involved. Mark knew about it and stepped in to stop it. He saved her, Alexis. He saved her and no one fucking knew it. Everyone assumed he’d filled his veins too full when it was that piece of shit Jennings who’d had him erased.”
“Oh my God,” I whispered, unable to fathom the atrocity of it all. “I’m so sorry.”
He looked over at me. “It fucking destroyed me, Alexis. Both times. The lies and the truth. But part of me is glad he didn’t die for nothing.”
“But then I can only imagine there’s another part of you who wishes you could change it,” I said softly.
Bitter laughter ripped free. “Sacrifice is a bitch, isn’t it?”
Zee shook his head. “But I set it all in motion, Alexis.”
“And now you think you owe him.”
He sighed. “I do owe him. I—”
Zee cut himself off, as if he couldn’t say more, refusing to let me in further, the corner of his mouth tipping down as he murmured, “Don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do now. Who I’m supposed to be.”
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