“Who is it you want to be?” I edged back, holding on to his forearm as I stared up at him. “What is it you want to stand for?”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Zee
Anthony tossed the stack of glossy sheets to the middle of his desk.
“What are you doing, Zee? You know better than this. All these years, and you don’t slip up once, and then this?”
I fought the panic that welled in every cell in my body, coalescing into a hot point of anger and fear right in the center of my chest.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair.
I was looking at picture after picture of me and Alexis from the last couple weeks. Her coming into my place and her leaving. A couple of me in front of her house.
What got me were the ones of us outside the hospital, that sweet, trusting girl staring up at me with all that belief.
My hands on her face. The girl in my arms where she belonged. Kissing her like she was breath. Air. Sanity.
Killed me to look at it as if it were something dirty. Something bad.
“You know the definition of lying low better than anyone, Zee, and then you go and pull this? Veronica will ruin you. It’s a goddamned miracle she’s kept to the agreement this long.”
I scoffed. “You think she would’ve if it weren’t for the money?”
“Of course she’s only kept it a secret because of the money. And you know how much she loves holding that secret over your head.”
“Like taking care of my family is some kind of sin.” Disgusted, I spat the words.
Lines dented Anthony’s brow. “You were the one who didn’t want anyone to know, Zee. You can’t have it both ways.”
That was what I’d been terrified of all along. Walking this shaky balance. Trying to juggle these two worlds and dreading when they collided.
“Just…don’t know that I give a fuck anymore, Anthony. Not if it means letting her go, too. Not sure I can do it.”
Cautious, he stilled, like he was bracing me for his words. “But what about for him?”
Grief cut me in two. I bent over, trying with all of me to hold together the threads of my life that were unraveling faster than I could repair them.
Or maybe they’d just been lit at the end.
Burning out.
I fisted my hand with the tattoo.
Just like the stars.
Regret had taken me hostage. Pain throbbed with each vapid pulse of my heart like those little bits that had sparked to life had suddenly been dimmed.
When the doorbell rang, I slowly moved across my loft, wishing I could ignore it, pretend like I hadn’t made that call to Alexis saying I needed to see her right away.
But I had to end this before it got any messier than it already was. Before I went and fucked up the last good thing I had in my life.
Before this hurt Alexis any more than I already knew it was going to.
I had to remember what was important. Why I was doing this in the first place.
I fumbled with the heavy metal lock and slid it free, opening one side of the massive doors. I jerked back when I saw it wasn’t Alexis on the other side.
“Veronica…”
It was all shock before a rush of anger came raging in. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing here? You know you aren’t supposed to be at my house.”
She strutted right past me like she owned the place, wearing high heels and tight black leather pants, slinking in and taking in my home like she were calculating exactly what it would be worth when it belonged to her.
Probably wasn’t that far off the mark.
She looked back at me with all that innocent wrath. “Hmm…well, I figured since you were breaking the rules, I might as well, too.”
My hands fisted. It took all I had to keep myself rooted to that spot, every part of me itching to drag her right back out. “You’re not welcome here.”
She tsked and wandered deeper, over near the sofas. She picked up a framed picture of me and the rest of the guys, studied it, and caressed her finger over the faces. Then she looked over at me. “It’s such a shame your brother’s not in this picture, isn’t it?”
I ground my teeth. “I’m warning you, Veronica.”
She set it down, so casually. Too casually. I shook, fucking hating that she held all the control as she strolled around my loft. “You know, I’m really not the fangirl type. Living in LA all my life, I know better.”
Right.
Like she hadn’t hunted my brother down.
“But some headlines are just too big to miss, especially when they’re splashed all over the front pages of everyone’s favorite tabloids.”
She sighed as if it actually hurt her and she wasn’t over there doing her best to cinch that noose just a little tighter around my neck.
“I signed into Facebook this morning, and guess what was trending? Zee Kennedy. Sunder prince. The boy who’d always worn the innocent crown, never dipping his fingers into all the…let’s say…unsavory offerings like the rest of his friends.”
Sadly, she shook her head. “And there he was, caught with a lover, right outside the hospital.”
I was at my end. “What fucking difference does it make?”
She turned on me, spewing venom. “What difference does it make? You took him from me, and we had an agreement. You promised.”
“And you’re gonna stand over there and pretend like you weren’t responsible, too? You’re the one who came to me.”
She blinked, feigning offense, like there wasn’t any chance she was guilty of the same goddamned sin. Slowly, she wound back my direction. “We were both hurting.”
Resentful laughter tumbled out. “I wasn’t anything but prey. Just like my brother. As far as I’m concerned, you can go fuck yourself.”
She ran her fingers down the front of my shirt. “I actually prefer when it’s you.”
I gripped her by the wrist, probably squeezing too hard. “You are nothing to me, Veronica. I don’t belong to you. I haven’t in a lot of years. Get out.”
She hefted a shoulder as she passed me by. “Liam says hi.”
That was the thing about Veronica. She knew exactly where to get me. I blew out a breath, trying not to completely lose my cool. “He doesn’t have anything to do with this.”
Scorn rolled from her when she turned back to look at me from out in the hall. “He always has. You want to see him again? It’s going to cost you.” Then she headed for the elevator.
Of course, it had to be at the exact same second Alexis was stepping off.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Alexis
Anxiety twisted through me as I stepped onto Zee’s elevator. He’d been strained since he’d shown up unannounced at my house five days ago. Questions so evident in his eyes. His direction unclear. His path obscured.
The thing was, I could see it shining all around him. Beckoning him forward. Calling to all his brilliance and talent that I felt bleeding from his soul and through his fingers every time he sat in front of the piano.
I wanted him to embrace it. Find it.
I jabbed the button for the sixth floor, maybe a little too eagerly as I waited for it to carry me to him.
The metal doors slid open, and I started forward only to stumble on my surprise when a woman shouldered past me, a grin on her face.
A grin that was pure menace.
Like somehow I’d been caught red-handed and she was all too happy to be the one to bring me in.
I held her malicious glare as she climbed onto the elevator, her smirk widening as she punched at the button and the doors slid closed.
Warily, I turned back to where Zee was standing in his doorway. Every inch of him was rigid, muscles bulging and bristling with throttled rage.
I blinked at him, hating the way my feet fumbled as I forced myself to take a step, the sinking fear that seeped through the surface of my skin as I tried to process the scene.
His jaw ticked beneath his beard when
I stopped two feet in front of him.
“You said to come,” I forced out, every emotion I was feeling exposed when the words cracked.
It seemed to snap him from the wall of fury, and he looked down at me.
Grief lashed across his face as he stepped back. “Please, come inside.”
Something fierce and severe climbed into the air.
So thick it made it difficult to breathe as I dropped my head and entered his loft. I swallowed around the thick knot of emotion, moving toward the windows, to the light that poured in like a crashing, ravaging wave.
I stood in the midst of it, panting for the breaths the mood had stolen.
“Alexis.” He whispered it from directly behind me. My hair was up in a high ponytail, and his fingertips trailed the star dangling down the back of my neck.
“Who was she?”
“No one.” It was hard.
Slowly, I turned to face him. To watch his lie. “Don’t tell me she is no one when she’s so obviously someone.”
This had gotten complicated.
Because there I stood, making demands I’d promised him I wouldn’t make. But it didn’t matter. It didn’t change the fact that I’d fallen.
Fallen hard and fast.
I was terrified of hitting the ground.
His jaw tightened. “She’s the past.”
I reached out and fisted my hands in his shirt. “Then tell me I’m the future.”
He flinched. “You know I can’t do that.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I already told you I couldn’t do this, Alexis. You already knew this was temporary. Fuck…it never should’ve even gotten started. Told you I couldn’t do this…and here I am.”
“What if this is exactly where you’re supposed to be?”
“And what if it ruins me?”
“What if you’re breaking my heart?”
He edged me closer to the window. Heat blanketed my back and poured into my spirit as he wound an errant piece of hair around his finger, brushing at the side of my neck.
It made the room spin and my breaths heavy. How did one man exert this much control over me? I was supposed to be the strong one.
The brave one.
Instead I was trembling at his feet.
He murmured rough words at the side of my face. “Last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you, Alexis. I was supposed to protect you. Take care of you.”
Right then, I knew the only thing in danger was my heart.
“What if I want to take care of you, too? Do you think I don’t feel it, Zee? Do you think I don’t know you need me, too?”
“Sometimes the things we think we need only hurt us in the end.”
I felt the warning behind it.
I placed both hands on his waist. “And sometimes those things are exactly what we’ve been waiting for.”
His eyes closed, as if he needed to shield himself from this. From us. From this out-of-control train we were riding.
Unstoppable.
I had no idea how to prepare myself for the devastation of when we finally crashed.
He buried his face in my neck. “What I need to do is let you go, and I don’t fucking know how to do it.”
Anguish rose in his throat, so thick when he grated the words. “Last show is next week. I need you there, Alexis. I need you there when I tell it all goodbye. You make it real again. You make me feel it. Tell me you’ll be there.”
I let him wind me in his arms, my cheek pressed to his chest. “Why does it feel like it will be our goodbye?”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Zee ~ Twenty Years Old
Zee cracked open the door. His chest tightened when he found his brother on the other side. He hadn’t seen him in three months. Not since that night. His words were thick. “Mark...hey…what are you doing here?”
Telling his brother he had to cut ties had been about the damned most difficult conversation he’d ever had in his life. Keeping to that decision? It’d been close to impossible. Eating him alive. He’d contemplated driving over there a thousand times.
Uneasily, Mark shifted on his feet. “I’m sorry for just showing up, but I really need to talk to you.”
Zee craned his head so he could look at Julie who was reading on the couch. She looked so peaceful sitting there, and he knew he was about to throw a bomb right in the middle of the tranquility.
But there was no way he could turn his brother away.
Zee widened the door. “Yeah, man, you should come in. We can go out back and talk.”
Mark’s relief was visible. “Thanks.”
Julie’s attention jerked up when Zee rounded from the entry, Mark ambling along close behind. Confusion and worry sprang to her eyes, her lips pursing as she slowly shook her head.
Zee sent her a pleading look. “Mark needs to talk to me. We’re going out back on the balcony.”
He watched her swallow, the way her hand shook as she turned back to her book and flipped the page.
Zee chose to ignore it, needing to be there for his brother. He pulled open the sliding glass door and the two of them stepped out into the muggy night. Mark slumped down in a chair, forearms on his knees as he bent over, and Zee sank into the opposite chair with a sigh.
He hated the tension that ricocheted between them. Hurt and questions roiled in the air, the damage he’d done visible, the rejection and the abandonment.
Mark eyed Zee, and Zee shifted, nervously rubbing his hands on his thighs.
“Thanks for letting me come in,” Mark said.
Zee roughed a hand over his face, like it might break up the apprehension. “You’re my brother, man. What did you expect?”
Mark’s laugh was close to a scoff. “Considering the last time I talked to you, you told me you had to sever ties, I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect.”
Anxiously, Zee rocked. “You have to know making that decision has been killing me. But fuck, Mark…Julie doesn’t deserve to witness that shit. I have to protect her from it. And I’m sorry if you can’t respect me for that.” His head shook. “Hell, I’m not sure I can even respect myself. Makes me feel like I’m going crazy, torn between two sides, belonging to them both.”
Mark blinked over at him seriously, his brown eyes earnest. “I respect you more than anyone I’ve ever respected in all my life. Look at you, brother. You have all your shit together. Composing. Have a girl you love and building a home. You think I don’t look at that and know it’s better than anything I’m ever gonna have?”
The smallest smile tugged at the corner of Zee’s lips, his words trying to lighten the mood. “Come on, Mark, no need to make me feel better when you’re the one out there living the rock-star life. Traveling city to city. Playing music. All that money and all those women? Don’t act like you’re not eatin’ it up.”
Mark chuckled, but it was sadness that climbed into the air. “Beginning to realize none of that means anything. Not if you don’t have something that’s important to live for at the end of the day. Something to work for. Someone to come home to.”
“What about that Veronica chick?”
The sound that left his mouth was half groan, half affection. “Don’t know. Can’t seem to stay away from her, even if I wanted to try. Guys can’t stand her, though. Think she’s a snake. Just using me for what I have to give. They think I can’t stay clean because she keeps dragging me back into it, which is kinda bullshit, since it’s pretty much the other way around.”
“You care about her?”
His shrug seemed hopeless. “Yeah…guess I do. Not sure what difference it makes, though.”
Zee could feel the frown tugging at his mouth. “What does that mean?”
A heavy sigh bled from Mark. “I’m surrounded by people. Constantly. People who want to get as close to me as they can, looking at me like I’m something I’m not. Like I have something to offer that just isn’t there.”
His tone dropped with the admission. “In the m
iddle of it? Don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely. Not in all my life.”
Mark’s voice drifted into something wistful. “Remember when we were kids…always out running wild? Getting into all sorts of trouble? But we always did it together.”
Zee roughed a hand through his hair. “You’d have thought since you were older, you’d have tried to ditch me.”
“Nah, man. We were partners in crime. Thick as thieves. It’s you who taught me to love music, you know? Walking with you to your piano classes. Way you’d be all lit up and excited when I’d pick you up afterward. The magic you were making in your room. It seeped in and became a part of me. I hope you know that.”
Zee rocked back in his chair and looked at the sky, wondering about all the dreams he and Mark had made upon those stars. Wondering just when they were going to start falling free and coming true. For so long, they’d seemed so close.
But Mark was right.
They didn’t mean anything if the people who were most important to you weren’t close.
And his brother was who he’d been missing.
Silence hovered around them before Mark broke it as he looked at his boots planted on the ground. “Think it was those days—back when it was just you and me—that might have been the last time I felt real. Like I knew who I was. I can barely remember that person now.”
Mark rocked, his mood suddenly shifting. He rubbed at the back of his neck as he looked away. “I got myself in deep, man…with some bad people. Some really bad, fucked-up people. Not sure how the hell I’m going to get myself out of it.”
A slow dread seeped across Zee’s skin. “What do you mean, got yourself in deep?”
“Means I know shit I shouldn’t.”
Fear prickled across Zee’s flesh, this burning, freezing cold. “What do you know, man? Tell me…we’ll figure it out. Just like we always have.”
Mark’s chuckle was dismissive. “Didn’t come over here to get you involved, Zee. No way am I getting you anywhere near that kind of trouble. I got myself into this mess…now I need to figure out how to get myself out of it. I just needed you to know…in case something went down…that I love you. That no matter what happens, you’ll always be the person in this world who means the most to me.”
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