Fear Me Not

by Sara Wolf

  “How did you manage this?” I hiss.

  “Just get in there and say hello,” He whispers back. “She’s been asking for you. I’ll keep watch.”

  Taj stands just inside the door as I edge into the back of Yulan’s office. It’s as white and quiet as ever, small vases filled with flowers on the windowsills, and most of the beds in the back for resting patients empty. All except one.

  Raine lies on the pillows, dark hair fanning around her. Half of her face is swathed in white bandages, covering her left eye and cheek. She’s staring out the window at the sun and the birds chirping outside, but when she hears my footsteps she turns, and a small smile pulls at her chapped lips.

  “Victoria.”

  It hurts to look at her like this. I used to dislike her, but now? Now my feelings for her are different, and softer. I pull up a chair, and sit at her bedside.

  “Call me Vic,” I say. Her smile grows wider, and she laughs. But under that laugh, a single tear escapes. She wipes it away quickly with a bandaged hand, and musters up her voice.

  “Okay. Hi, Vic.”

  “Hey.” I smile. “You look great.”

  “I look like a mummy,” She insists.

  “And like a mummy. But a hot mummy.”

  She stifles another laugh, and her amused expression dulls to seriousness. She tries to sit up, but I motion for her to say still.

  “Don’t strain yourself.”

  “I’m fine. Just a little burn. It’s just my face, and my hand.”

  “Can they do a skin graft?”

  “Yeah. But I won’t let them.”

  “What?” I feel my stomach drop. “Why?”

  She grins. “No one will want me to model when I’m like this. The humans don’t take kindly to scars. So there’s no point. I won’t have to do it anymore. I’ll be free.”

  “But –”

  “Hush,” Raine puts a finger to her lips. “I’m grateful for this burn. It means I don’t have to show the world my face. I don’t have to represent us to the human public. My sisters will no doubt fill the gap, like they’ve always wanted to. And I can just…I can just be normal. I’ll still be sotho, but I won’t have to play the part of a mindless doll anymore.”

  I’m quiet. I never thought of whether or not Raine wanted to be a model. I just assumed she did. All girls wanted to wear fancy clothes and jewels and have the spotlight on them, so I assumed she did, too. But I never considered that she might hate it. Raine’s hand grabbing mine snaps me out of my thoughts.

  “Vic, listen. You need to leave.”

  “Taj just brought me here. Can’t I stay a little longer –”

  “No, you misunderstand. You need to leave the campus. They’re letting students go back home. You need to go.”

  “I can’t, Raine. I have to get that money.”

  “This is more important than money,” She says slowly. “This is about your safety.”

  “Uh, I’m sorry,” I feel the anger rising in me. “But Alisa needs treatment. I need that money. My safety comes second.”

  “No, listen!” Raine snaps. “Listen to me. Your safety doesn’t come second. You are the one my father has been looking for. Your EVE organ –”

  “Hey, officer!” Taj’s voice booms. “I thought I heard a firework go off in the bathroom –”

  “I have to go,” I say, and duck away. Raine grasps for my hand, but I dart around the office and through the door when the officer’s head is turned. I slink down the hall and Taj relents the conversation and lets the officer go into the nurse’s, following me.

  “Did you get to talk to her?” He asks.

  “Don’t pretend like you didn’t hear all that.”

  Taj sighs. “Fine. You got me.”

  “You let me talk to her so you could hear what she’s up to.”

  “And you’re her friend! I’m not entirely heartless,” He smirks, then gets serious. “She said you’re the one Jerai has been looking for.”

  “I have no idea what that means, so don’t ask me.”

  Taj’s handsome face screws up thoughtfully.

  “Don’t strain your jock-brain too hard,” I tease. He looks up.

  “Right after we crashed, Jerai requested access to a file locked in the ship’s containment freezer.”

  “A file? In a freezer?”

  “Files of organic matter. Parts of lemak, yopi, most creatures indigenous to our home planet, and exceptional Gutters who were deemed to have above-average bodies that would aid future sciences.”

  “So? He requested those files to use them to make the EVE organ, right?”

  “Right. We had to eat somehow, and quickly. We tried to clone the lemak, but they all died. So he turned to the idea of an EVE organ. He used Gutter DNA, but –” Taj shakes his head. “I’ve always thought it was odd.”

  “What’s odd? Don’t string me along.”

  “The DNA he used – it was Umala’s.”

  My blood goes cold, and spidery tingles inch over my spine.

  “Umala? The Umala?”

  Taj nods. “No one knows that, of course. Nobody but the Adjudicator sotho. He had to file a request form, and my mother had to approve it. I remember sitting at the table when she signed it.”

  “Your mother approved it?” I hiss.

  “We were desperate!” Taj defends. “We needed to eat. We were willing to try anything!”

  It doesn’t sound right. He’s not lying, but something about it nags at me. I’m missing something.

  “But if Jerai used Umala’s DNA, then that means it’s inside every single EVE,” I say. “And it still – it still doesn’t make sense. Why would I be the one Jerai is ‘looking’ for?”

  Taj walks up to me. I can smell him – sunscreen and faint cologne. His gold eyes stare down at me as he reaches out, rough, warm hands enveloping my shoulders.

  “I don’t know. But I promise you now, I’ll protect you.”

  I scoff. “Don’t bother.”

  “I’m serious, Victoria.”

  “So am I.”

  “You doubt I can protect you?”

  “I doubt I need protecting at all. I’m not special, or dainty. I don’t need you Gutters looking after me. I make my own decisions. I’ve protected myself for sixteen years. I can do it for sixteen more.”

  “I’m not Raine, alright? I’m not asking you to leave.”

  “Good. Because I won’t.”

  He chuckles under his breath. “I know.”

  8. The Justice

  Dad keeps trying to get me to come home.

  He has the power to pull me out, of course, and he keeps threatening to do it. But he never does. We just argue about it. If he really wanted me home, he’d have done it already. But he’s reluctant to. For all his worry, the lure of a hundred thou is too juicy to resist. We need it too badly. Even when the CIA investigation squad releases the statement that the explosion was due to a burst gas main (Shadus was right, they lied), Dad doesn’t stop nagging for me to come back. I nag right back, and tell him how many cops are on campus now, and how safe we are. It doesn’t ease his worry, but it buys me time. And that’s what I need now more than ever.

  The first snow of the winter falls right before Owakess. The wind is sharp and the air lung-searingly cold. The hills of the valley are dusted with soft white, and the sun seems brighter than ever, but it doesn’t take long for footprints and dark rain to compact everything into sleet.

  Yulan keeps asking me to come to his office, but I ignore the summons. I know he’s doing it on Raine’s orders. Raine wants to persuade me to leave, but I’m not falling for it. Whatever danger she thinks I’m in, I can handle it. I have to handle it. For Alisa.

  The faculty starts decorating for Owakess. Banners of red, yellow, and blue silk adorn the walls, and strange white paper symbols that look like stars, but twisted and inverted, are placed at strategic points. Ulsi informs me it’s the symbol of Asara, and that there should also be torches of green boron fire among the
decorations. I inform her even the faintest threat of arson is frowned on in most human buildings. She laughs.

  Taj starts sticking by me like a flea on an unwashed dog. He’s there to walk me to my next class, or to bring me to the stand-in cafeteria for dinner. It’s like having a bodyguard that talks too much about football and rules. And sometimes the rules of football. But mostly he’s polite, even if he’s trying too hard to get to know me.

  “Look,” I pile my tray full of lasagna as he takes an emotion vial. “You don’t have to try so hard, okay? You don’t really like me as a person, you’re just getting to know me so you’ll stay in the loop. I get it. You don’t need to pretend.”

  Taj blinks like I hit him. “But I do. Like you.”

  I snort. “No.”

  “Yes,” He insists. “You’re witty, and smart, and leagues ahead of the other humans in terms of rationale. You observe a lot, and you’re considerate of others. You’re very much the sort of person I like.”

  All the compliments make me scrunch my shoulders up. “Yeah?”

  “Yes. I’m being genuine. You’re the first exceptional human I’ve encountered.”

  His smile is sincere. I study it, then scoff and take my lasagna outside the cafeteria. I don’t trust it, or him. Too many people have said they like me, and then done a one-eighty and left me in the dust. I sit on a bench, watching the snow fall outside the glass walls of the main hall, and he joins me. We eat in silence, fat flakes of white drifting slowly to earth.

  “My Mom used to say every snowflake was a ballerina dancer,” I say. “Dressed in white.”

  “Ballet is remarkable,” Taj agrees. “And snow even moreso.”

  “Do you guys have snow?”

  “Not on our planet, no. We have wuve, a crystalized acid rain that falls in needles to the surface during the redsky season. It’s purple, and coats the ground. You can slide on it, much like ice. But you can’t touch it with your bare skin. It will eat you to the bone.”

  “Jesus. Your planet doesn’t sound very friendly.”

  Taj laughs. “No. Compared to your soft planet, ours must seem dreadful. But we’ve adapted. To us, it is normal.”

  “Do the Gutters back home know where you guys are?”

  Taj shakes his head, downing his vial in one gulp. “Unfortunately not. Our beacon was destroyed by your solar system’s asteroid field.”

  “Is that what made you crash? The asteroid field?”

  “I – I don’t know. Perhaps. They’ve never told us hatchlings.”

  I scrunch my face up. That’s bizarre. Why hide the truth from the kids? Taj laughs suddenly. I look up.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Your nose. It’s very…what’s the word? Endearing? Cute. The skin folds around it get all smashed together. It’s cute.”

  I feel a heat rise in my cheeks, and stuff lasagna in my mouth, chewing with my mouth open.

  “Not sho cute nao, huh?”

  Taj just shakes his head and chuckles.

  “Trying to scare him off won’t work. He’s seen worse.” The deep, dark voice behind us makes us turn. Shadus looks down at us, arms folded over his chest. Taj’s face falls instantly.

  “Like your cousin, Gheri?” Taj asks. Shadus smiles sourly.

  “Don’t insult my family, Taj. You know I don’t care a single yath about them.”

  “Then what do you care about?” Taj asks smoothly. Shadus and he stare each other down until I clear my throat.

  “Uh, so, I hate to interrupt the dickwhipping that’s going on between you two right now, but I’m trying to eat and it’s a little distracting.”

  “Something managing to distract you from food?” Shadus mock-gasps. “I’m shocked.”

  “Oh, be quiet.” I flush. Taj looks confused.

  “What’s ‘dickwhipping’?”

  “A competition of pride between dudes. You know, when guys get all up in each other’s face, and prickly. Haha. Prick. Get it? Prick-ly.”

  I laugh, but Shadus and Taj just look lost.

  “I assume we’re still on for tomorrow night,” Shadus clears his throat, all business.

  “Huh? Oh, right. Owakess. Yeah, we’re on. I’ve got a red sweater. I’ll wear that.”

  “Excellent.” Shadus shoots Taj a weird sort of smug smirk, then looks to me. “I’ll see you then.”

  “I’m going to Owakess too,” Taj insists, a little harder than he needs to.

  “Yeah? Uh, that’s cool. See you there.”

  The bell rings, and I start towards the dorm. Dakota catches up to me, Ulsi at her side.

  “V-Vic! Were you talking to Taj just now?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  Dakota giggles and elbows Ulsi, who blushes a bright red.

  “What?” Ulsi snaps.

  “Ulsi h-has a crush,” Dakota blurts.

  “I do not!”

  “W-Why did you stalk him during break then?”

  “I wasn’t stalking! I was observing his methods for conversing with humans. For tips. He’s very good at it.”

  “You ‘converse’ just fine with us.” I smirk. Ulsi pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes.

  “Asara tu-valek olyi.”

  “Just admit it! I-It’s a crush!” Dakota squeals. Ulsi sighs.

  “It matters not. I’m not sotho. He would never look at me twice. Besides,” She shoots a look at me. “It seems he has a thing for humans.”

  Dakota gapes. “What? Vic?”

  “You’ve got the wrong idea,” I protest. “Taj is just using me to get close to Shadus, and Raine. He’s nosy, and I’m the best vein of info right now. He’s just trying to dance the weird sotho supremacy dance by getting to know me, nothing more.”

  Ulsi’s eyes soften, but she doesn’t seem entirely convinced.

  “I was there during the patra you interrupted. He was very concerned for you when you two fell.”

  “Like I said – he hangs around me to get info on Shadus. It’s not anything serious. Are you going to Owakess, Ulsi?”

  She nods. “With Dakota. She’s very –”

  “I’m very excited!” Dakota shrills. She lowers her voice. “I mean, ahem. I’m v-very excited.”

  I snicker. “It’s nice to see you yelling. You’d never do it a while ago.”

  “I know. I-I used to think it was rude. But somewhere along the way I realized it was actually r-really fun!”

  Even Ulsi laughs this time.

  ***

  Since the cafeteria is being rebuilt, Owakess is being held in the auditorium – the fancy place where the school plays are held. The walls are draped with sheets of blue, gold, and red silk embossed with Asara’s symbol in white. Green boron torches are placed high up, where no one can reach them, the flames moving like hazy liquid emeralds. Refreshment stands laden with fruit punch, soda, cookies, and candy line the lobby, and two entire tables of different kinds of emotion vials are left out for the Gutters to choose from. We all mill in the lobby while the Owakess dancers prepare the stage. The Gutters all wear the same robe – it looks identical to the patra uniform, but instead of silver, each Gutter wears their corresponding faction color. I show up in my red sweater, feeling a little lost. The Gutter faculty is here, too, wearing their colors. Ms. Gianca nods at me, and Yulan smiles. Even Mr. Targe’s showed up, with a female Gutter teacher who’s an Executioner. He, likewise, wears red. It seems everyone’s in pairs. The people who came alone or without wearing red, gold, or blue. The latter are quickly pulled to the side by the Gutter faculty and given a colored uniform to wear over their normal clothes.

  Besides the weird mandatory dress code, the air of excitement is palpable. The Gutters look thrilled, and pleased, like they weren’t expecting anywhere near this lavish a celebration. I hear some of them murmuring how lucky they are the human government decided to throw an Owakess at all. It almost makes me feel bad for them. But then they gasp and point at the refreshment table, apparently surprised at how many vials of fear the
re are.

  “I haven’t had fear since last Owakess!”

  “Oh, it’s going to be delicious!”

  “They have fear-tsori, too! That’s amazing!”

  They talk about it like it’s candy, some kind of treat. My stomach twists a little, my EVE organ twitching. I wave at Dakota and Ulsi across the room, Dakota wearing a t-shirt with a yellow daisy on it. Shadus said he had to go to the bathroom, and took off. While I wait, I meander over to the refreshment table and grab some M&M’s and a can of root beer. I spot Taj walking through the crowd, stopping humans from running in the lobby with stern reprimands. He’s wearing a gold robe with really long sleeves, and white Rahm symbols embroidered into it. I look around for Raine uselessly – there’s no way she’d be here; she’s still recovering. But I eat my own words when the doors open, cold air wafting in.

  It’s Raine.

  The crowd goes quiet. Undeterred, she walks normally, her head held high. The bandages are off. Her long hair is swept back in a ponytail, displaying the ghastly, mottled burn on her face. It burned her eyebrow off, and scarred her cheek like a tear-trail from the corner of her eye. Her top eyelid fused with her brow, but her bright blue eyes still twinkle. Her left hand is likewise dappled brown and white, like ripples in a pond. Certain patches of skin stretch over each other, healed at awkward angles. But somehow, it doesn’t detract from her beauty in the slightest. She’s all smiles, the crowd watching her. Her good eye is perfectly done with makeup, her lips plump and pink with gloss and her earrings glistening with tiny sapphires. The nails on her bad hand are painted with perfectly sky-blue polish, and the blue silk uniform she wears is a five times longer in the sleeves than the other Gutter uniforms. It’s embroidered all over with hundreds of symbols; Rahm symbols. But unlike Taj, the symbols are evenly split down the middle – half of them done in white thread, the other half in black. She wears bright blue killer heels to match, and waves at me.

  “Vic! There you are!”

  I steel myself as we come face-to-face.

  “I’m not leaving Green Hills, Raine,” I say. Her blue eyes go wide with astonishment, then she smiles.

  “Don’t worry about that tonight, okay? It’s Owakess. Tonight is only about celebrating. I won’t try to convince you of anything other than to eat more human candy.”