Eat, Slay, Love: A LitRPG/GameLit Adventure (The Good Guys Book 10)

by Eric Ugland

  I stopped, took a step back, and bent down a little to look into the opening.

  It was a little studio apartment. A tiny bed sat along one wall with a kitchenette across the way, complete with glowstone pebbles as lights on the low ceiling. I saw a doll-house-sized leather armchair, a teeny fireplace, and a shelf that held books the size of postage stamps.

  A tiny figure huddled in the corner, shivering in fear.

  Something only about eight inches tall, or at least I figured it would be about eight inches if it wasn’t forcibly trying to disappear into the rock.

  “Who are you?” I asked.

  No answer. The creature inside looked a rather lot like a mouse, but with handsomely-tailored clothes.

  “Okay, well,” I said, speaking slowly, “I’m looking for a secret chute that people have been sending bodies down. Any ideas?”

  The little mouse creature peeked over at me. He looked me up and down, and then pointed to the left.

  “That way?” I asked.

  The creature nodded.

  “Thanks,” I said, and shut the door.

  I took a few steps and peered over my shoulder, wondering what the fuck I’d just seen. Had that even been the right response? There were too many things to deal with — the random tiny apartment could wait until later. Besides, the little guy had been helpful. In theory.

  I continued along to the left with my hand on the wall and found another hidden opening. This one was large. Not absurdly large, but large enough to fit a man like me. Or, you know, virtually every other non-minotaur in Coggeshall.

  The inside of the chute was completely different from the others, lacking any sense of finishing. But from the outside, it was almost perfectly invisible. I couldn’t find a seam, even knowing exactly where to look. I figured there was some kind of magic involved that I just wasn’t picking up on. Still, it finally started to make sense how people could have gone missing so easily.

  Just stroll along the hallway and hip-check someone into the chute. Quick. Easy.

  “Fuck,” I whispered, shaking my head.

  It was brilliant. You know — in a terrifying, fucked-up way.

  I finally had a genuine lead to follow, but everyone else was asleep. I could wait. I should wait. I should muster all the forces at my disposal and—

  Unless it was just another chute. Maybe it was just a trash chute. Or a kobold chute, used by the miniature dragons to move around the base in pseudo-secrecy. Knowing kobolds as I did, which wasn’t that well, it certainly seemed possible. Besides, as evidenced by the little mouse guy, it was possible to have secrets in Coggeshall. I wondered if Nikolai knew about the mouse guy. Was Nikolai back to sleeping?

  I pushed the secret door in again and stared into the darkness below. Switching into darkvision, I could see that the chute just went down. What it went down into was a mystery. I knew I had to find out.

  But that wasn’t really the smartest play. And yet...

  For good measure, I sent off a few prinkies with messages letting people know what I’d found and where I was going, and also giving a few suggestions how they might help. But I made sure the prinkies knew it would be best if they didn’t wake people up to deliver the message so much as wait until the people were awake to complete their tasks. It was only after the prinkies were gone that I realized I hadn’t used the prinky-dressing archway. A real missed opportunity.

  I did a little stretching, and then dove into the chute, just like Leia.

  I really hoped it didn’t lead down into a pit of garbage.

  77

  The chute was full-on vertical at first, so I was basically free falling. Then I hit a diagonal and got shunted to the left. Then forward. Then left. And then back to falling vertically. I caught sight of other chutes joining mine, revealing how intricate this whole damn thing was. There were fucking secret tunnels everywhere. My mountain was Swiss cheese!

  And I hate Swiss cheese! It’s so banal and pointless, as far as cheeses go.

  After a few seconds of falling, the bottom of the chute gently arced until I was going almost horizontal. Then I burst through a drapery of sorts, into a lit room.

  I soared gracefully through the air for the briefest of moments, before hitting a wall and dropping six or so feet to the floor. I shook my head, trying to get the cobwebs out, and got a look at the place.

  It wasn’t a big room, nor finely carved. Purely perfunctory. The main decoration in the place was a set of manacles hanging down from the very center of the ceiling. In those manacles was someone familiar.

  “Nikolai?” I asked.

  “Montana!” Nikolai said, twisting his body around to look over at me. “Quickly now,” he hissed.

  Nikolai hung there with his arms above his head, standing on his tiptoes.

  Not wanting to waste time, I ran over to him, and reached up, grabbing the chains. I swung myself upside down and got my feet planted on the ceiling.

  After a little grunting and pushing, I ripped the chain from its mount on the ceiling. Which sent me, and the chain, tumbling to the floor.

  Somehow, Nikolai managed to avoid being crushed by me.

  He held out his hands.

  “Any chance you’ve worked on lock-picking?” he asked.

  “Let me take a peek at my character sheet,” I said, already knowing the answer. “Nope. No lock-picking.”

  “That is—” Nikolai started and then shook his head. “We need to move quickly to get out of here.”

  “Where is here?”

  “Where they keep their meals.”

  “The Master?”

  “Yes. And his people.”

  “Shit,” I said, peering around the room.

  There was a door to one side, wooden with metal bars embedded into an opening where our jailors could peek in at us.

  “Do you have your bag with you?”

  I nodded, absentmindedly. I was focused on the door.

  “Give it here,” he said,

  “What? Why?”

  “I’m going to see if you’ve got something I can use to get these damn manacles off.”

  I gave him the bag and went over to the door. Like everything else with this setup, it was functional, but only just.

  Through the bars I saw an empty square room with a higher than normal ceiling. I peered up — nothing.

  I reached out with tremorsense. I could feel Nikolai behind me, fiddling with my bag and his manacles. Slight tremors came from far above me, but I guessed that was the dwarven work party. A variety of tiny vibrations spreading out below me — probably small creatures. But nothing on the same level. Except Nikolai.

  “I think we’re clear out there,” I whispered.

  I expected a snarky reply, but none came. It made me wonder how long he’d been down here.

  “You okay to move?” I asked, still whispering, and still keeping my eyes on the outside room.

  “Fine,” Nikolai replied. “These are just taking more time than I thought. What do you see out there?”

  “Just an empty room. There’s a door across the way that’s partially open. Looks like stairs beyond, but I can’t tell.”

  “Is that door locked?”

  “Probably,” I said, and gave it a gentle push and pull.

  It was open.

  “That’s awfully convenient,” I said, feeling suspicious.

  “Or we are lucky,” Nikolai said. “Go!”

  I stepped through the door, and my foot went straight through the floor.

  78

  It felt like I had missed the step. I pitched forward hard, passing through the illusion set up outside the cell.

  I hit something with my face. A new floor, perhaps. One that was remarkably smooth. It was dark, but not in a normal way where I could still see with darkvision. This felt like a perfect dark. I couldn’t see. At all. I reached out with tremorsense and got back nothing.

  Something grabbed my arms and pulled me forward. Cold metal surrounded my wrists, and a searing pain
accompanied the audible click of the lock.

  I tried to stand up, but I couldn’t get my feet underneath me.

  “Nikolai,” I called out, “it’s a trap!”

  Nikolai’s reply came out of the darkness, completely calm and collected.

  “I know.”

  79

  Tendrils of pure black swirled away and disappeared into the shadows. I could see again.

  I was the one chained now, with dark green manacles clamped over my wrists. The chain itself was also green, shiny but dark. The links were perfect circles, very large with no seams on them. The chain attached to my right arm disappeared into the wall, and the chain attached to my left arm went into the opposite wall.

  The floor was a glossy black, so perfectly glossy, in fact, that I could see myself in it. It was like sitting on a mirror. Sitting, because I couldn’t stand up. When I tried to put pressure anywhere on the floor, I’d just slip and fall right back down. So much for my fancy Art of Movement ability.

  I pulled on one chain, and after the slack, it yanked my other arm.

  The chain was connected through the wall somehow, and there just wasn’t enough slack to move myself over.

  With an immense amount of effort, I managed to pull myself into a precarious standing position, supported by the chains.

  “Impressive,” came a voice. Nikolai stepped through a wall, which then fluttered out of existence and revealed a large open room behind him.

  That portion of the room had carpet and had a long dining table.

  “You want to explain what’s happening here?” I asked.

  “I did not expect you to even stand up,” Nikolai said, peering at me, and then the floor. “Just so you are aware, those chains are very special. That was the major impediment to me meeting you sooner.”

  “Meeting me? What do you mean?”

  He smiled, but the smile got larger than it should have. Like the ends of his mouth extended an inch more on each side.

  “Oh,” I said. “You’re The Master.”

  He winked at me, then shrugged. “Guilty as charged.”

  “Were you, I mean, did you, have you been Nikolai this whole time?”

  “Oh no,” he said. “A recent change. It’s been a bit of whirlwind keeping track of who I’ve been, but suffice to say I’ve done what’s necessary to get to this point.”

  “Where you eat me.”

  “Why yes,” he said, clapping his hands together. “I am so glad you already know what will happen.”

  “Why?”

  “Power, of course. I want your power. And your abilities. You have quite the reserves. Abilities and boons galore.”

  Nikolai, or, rather, The Master masquerading as Nikolai, was positively drooling over the prospect of eating me.

  “And I must thank you for this bag,” he said, holding out my knapsack. “It is quite a unique item.”

  I gritted my teeth, feeling so unbelievably dumb.

  So I summoned a prinky and kicked it at The Master.

  The Master ducked out of the way and sent me a sneering look in return.

  I started summoning prinkies en masse. I had thousands and thousands of useless mana — might as well use it to annoy, well, everyone.

  The prinkies slipped all over the floor. I won’t lie — I might have squished one to see if it improved grip on the perfectly smooth floor.

  It definitely made the floor more fabulous, with a sheen of glitter, but it did nothing to improve my grip.

  “Someone get that damn necklace from him,” The Master shouted.

  A door opened up in the wall. People streamed in, several of whom I recognized. Faces I’d seen around Coggeshall for a long time.

  “How—” I started.

  A man in a guard uniform came close to me. I reached out and grabbed his hand. I promptly fell over, but so did the man. I didn’t let go.

  There was a momentary struggle, and then there was the sharp pop as the man’s neck broke. His body went limp.

  I reached down and felt along his belt.

  No weapon.

  A hook dropped into the man’s calf with a wet thunk, and a young woman began to pull the body from me.

  At the same time, another young man aimed a long, thin feather on the end of a long, thin rod at me.

  “What the—” I started, but as soon as the feather touched me, I started giggling. I pulled my arms and legs in, instinctively. “You tickled me!”

  “So many see this as a useless item,” The Master said, gesturing lazily to the feather, “but look at the power it has. Again.”

  The man tickled me again.

  “Continue,” The Master ordered.

  I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I could barely think. My eyes were clenched shut, my body contorting one way and then the other.

  It stopped, and I took in gulping breaths, trying to stop my spasming muscles.

  Cool hands brushed my neck. I felt my prinky necklace lift away.

  I grabbed out blindly, my eyes watering even as I opened them. But before I could make contact, the damn feather was back again and I was rolling around the ground and giggling like a little boy.

  “Enough,” The Master said through Nikolai’s voice.

  I took my time before opening my eyes, trying to get to a kneeling state before simply giving up. Any sort of movement was just an exercise in frustration.

  Nikolai-The Master held the prinky chain in his hands, scrutinizing it.

  “Interesting toy,” he said.

  He threw it over his shoulder, and I heard the metal amulet thunk across the carpet.

  The remaining prinkies slid around a little on the smooth floor before The Master’s helpers hooked and speared them into puffs of glitter. Even The Master got in on the fun, stomping on prinkies and punting them until there were none left. I very much wanted to rage and exact revenge over the murder of my little buddies. I was the only one allowed wanton destruction of prinkies.

  Nothing like impotent rage.

  I reached out with tremorsense and finally got a better read on things. I could dimly feel the people moving around, on the carpeted area, and I counted twenty people on the same level as me, plus The Master. He wasn’t moving, but I could feel him. I opened my eyes and counted twenty-two chairs around the big dining table. I wondered if someone was missing, or if they’d saved a spot for their meal.

  Above me, I could sense my backup plan starting to come on line, which meant I just needed to play for time.

  Once again using a modified Iron Cross rings technique, I pulled myself up to standing.

  “What’s so special about this chain?” I asked.

  The Master gave me the too-wide smile. “It is quite fantastic, isn’t it?”

  “I mean, I guess it’s green.”

  “Green? It is so much more than that.”

  “Care to share?”

  “You have no identification spells?”

  “Not a one.”

  “Ah. Well, that explains a few things.”

  “Such as?”

  “It means I could have spent a little less time being careful and a little more time finishing up this rather laborious process,” he said. He took a step towards me and shook his head. “It is a shame no one will know how much work capturing you entailed.”

  “You can tell me.”

  “I am tempted.”

  I tried to pull on the chain.

  Nothing. I desperately wanted to rip it from the rock walls.

  I tried to get my fingers under the manacles—

  “That is a pointless endeavor,” The Master said. “That chain is meant to hold dragons.”

  “Dragons?” I asked.

  “Well, not actual dragons, but members of related species,” he clarified. “Beasts quite a bit more powerful than even you, with your over 100 strength. There is a beast known as the konungsdauðagerðarmaður—”

  “Bless you.”

  “Who will bless me?”

  �
�I suppose I just did.”

  “Why?”

  “You know, the joke is lost at this point.”

  “Where was the joke in the first place?”

  “Never mind.”

  “As you wish. The chains are meant to hold the konungsdauðagerðarmaður for blood-letting. The konungsdauðagerðarmaður is quite useful, but was very hard to gather prior to the introduction of these chains. So they are very expensive. Took most of my gold to get a set for you. You should be impressed I was willing to go as far as I am.”

  “Neat, I guess. Of course, that would mean you’re out of gold now.”

  “Good thing I know someone with a little too much precious metal in his treasury.”

  “You’re stealing now?”

  “I make my way through the world as I please. As you have an excess of coin, I am merely taking some of it for my troubles.”

  “You made all the trouble. You never had to do this.”

  “Oh, that is where you are wrong. When you came into my view, I knew I had to have you—”

  “So this is my fault for existing around you?”

  “Yes. Of course. If a mouse runs in front of an owl, do you blame the owl for hunting its dinner?”

  “I certainly don’t blame the fucking mouse.”

  “Because you are the mouse. It would be strange if you blamed yourself.”

  “There is not one person who’d agree with you.”

  He held out his hands at the people waiting on the carpet.

  “Those assholes don’t count,” I snapped.

  With a tiny, shitty smile, The Master shrugged. “They will certainly soon count much more than you. Set the table, my friends.”

  The followers moved quickly, turning to gather things from the room nearby.

  “Do you mind bringing the faces out?” The Master called.

  “Faces?” I asked.

  “I know you know some of my abilities,” he said. “You see me as Nikolai now, so you must understand I have a flexible shape.”

  “That’s not flexible—”

  “Nevertheless, while I have the ability to become whomever I’ve had the pleasure of consuming, it is not always easy to remember how to make the faces. And the faces must be perfect. Your bodies are always covered by bulky clothes or pointless armor. It is the face that you all focus upon. Much to your detriment. So, I keep faces around, as necessary.”