Easy Fall

by Moose, S.

  The front door of the apartment opens, and I stop reading and turn to look at who is here.

  “Mom?” I put the book down and get up from the couch, bringing the fuzzy blanket I’ve been using to keep me warm with me. “What are you doing here?”

  “When was the last time you showered?” She eyes the blanket. “When was the last time you washed that blanket?”

  “I shower,” I mumble under my breath. “Blankets only need to be washed like once a month.”

  “Is that the blanket Justin bought you?”

  I shrug, trying to avoid her question so I throw one at her. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m here for a few days to be with my only daughter.”

  “I’m okay.”

  “Sweetie, you are far from okay. Go shower and get ready. I’m taking you out.”

  “Mom.”

  She points toward the bathroom and I do as she says because this would be a fight I’d lose.

  After taking a shower and throwing on a tank and shorts, we walk outside and walk around the city. The park’s nearby so we go there.

  “Honey, how are you doing? We haven’t talked much since your break up with Justin.”

  “I know.”

  A bench comes into site and we walk toward it and sit down. I bring one leg over the other and lean back into the bench.

  “Talk to me.” She comfortingly says, patting my knee with her hand. “I’ve been getting updates from Lisa, but I want to hear how you’re doing.”

  “I’m miserable. I don’t know how else to put it. My heart is broken and when I told myself to take it slow and not rush into anything, well, that went out the window. I fell in love and gave away my heart to a man I didn’t know too well.”

  “What else? Keep going.”

  “I love Justin. He’s all I think about. It’s weird how quickly I fell for him and how much I miss him. I should hate him for what he did to me. To us. He knew how scared I was, but I listened to what he told me and believed his words. I believed he wanted to be with me and wanted a future.”

  “Maybe he does, and he got scared. You don’t know what a person is thinking. That’s why I’ve always told you the importance of communication.”

  “If you’ve been talking to Lisa then you know he’s gone.” I shrug and hang my head low, not wanting to look at her. “I haven’t heard from him.”

  “I know. Lisa told me everything.”

  “Then I don’t know what you mean about communication.”

  “Did you try and figure out what was wrong and why he didn’t want things to work out?”

  I shrug again. It’s the only movement I’m able to do. “I tried. Like I said, he shut down and shut me out. He didn’t want to talk or make things better. Mom?”

  “Yes, honey?”

  “I think it’s time I come back. New Orleans has been fun, and I’ve learned a lot, but I don’t think there’s anything for me here.”

  She squeezes my knee. “Is that what you want?” I shake my head, trying hard not to cry again. “Mallory, is that what you want?”

  “It’s what I need to do.”

  “Okay, then. Let’s get something to eat and then we’ll watch a movie. Get your mind off things.”

  “Sounds good.” I muster a smile and help her up from the bench.

  * * *

  The words are at the tip of my fingers. I’ve been staring at the body of this email for what seems to be hours. After each keystroke, I press the backspace button until I’m at the beginning. This is a repeated motion because I can’t figure out if what I’m doing is right or not. My heart and mind are at war with each other.

  Nothing is clear to me.

  I put away my laptop and bury my face in my hands. My head’s screaming for me to pack my things and leave while my heart’s telling me to hold on.

  What do I do?

  I’ve made lists. I’ve listened to songs. I’ve talked to people.

  Yet I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by sticking around. Today marks three weeks since we’ve been apart. I miss him every day, and it’s killing me not to be with him or know what’s going on.

  I miss you, Justin.

  Where are you?

  Are you coming back?

  Will you come back to me?

  The nook is my safe spot. This is where I go when I need clarity or inspiration. A place to sit and think. The window overlooking the city is a window to what’s out there. It’s shielding me from everyone. When I sit here, my mind becomes clear and things flow better.

  At least most of the time.

  I sit here, working, reading, and watching the world go by because I don’t have the energy to leave the apartment. Each time I leave, I end up crying. Each time I walk by The Cure, I break down and run back to the apartment. It sounds stupid and completely ridiculous of me, but there are so many unanswered questions, and I can’t let go of Justin.

  “Hey.” Lisa comes back from her run and sits next to me. “Feeling a little better?”

  “What am I doing?”

  “What do you mean?”

  I sigh. “I mean what am I doing? I’ve been waiting for Justin, and I told myself if he’s not back by Sunday, then I’m sending the email to my boss to let her know I’m coming back. Every time I go to write the email, something holds me back.”

  “Today’s Sunday.”

  I nod in agreement with what she said. “Today’s Sunday,” I repeat, saying it aloud because I don’t want to believe it. The more I say it, the more it becomes a reality. “I can’t do it. I can’t up and leave without knowing he’s okay.”

  Lisa brings me in for hug and tells me it’ll be okay.

  “I don’t think so. Not this time.”

  “Why don’t you take a shower and get dressed up. I’ll take you out for dinner before you update your boss.”

  I get up and squeeze her hand before going to the bathroom to take a shower and freshen up. Standing in the middle of the waterfall of water, flashes of Justin play in my head. My chest heaves from the onset of memories and it takes me a moment to stop crying and collect myself. I want nothing more than to fall back into his arms and feel safe again.

  It’s all I want.

  Everything I need is in the bathroom, so I get ready and do my best to keep my composure. “Just a little longer, Mallory. You can do this. Don’t break down. Give your heart a break and have fun tonight with your best friends.” I stare at myself in the mirror and continue talking. “You’re beautiful inside and out. Be proud of the love you’ve known, and the experiences life has provided. There will be more times when love doesn’t work out and that’s okay. Learn from the past and grow from the pain. Keep your heart light and don’t allow chains to hold you back because you’re going to change someone’s life. One day you’re going to find that perfect, earth-shattering love, and you’re going to be over the moon happy.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks. “You’re imperfectly perfect Mallory Claire Elliot.”

  With one last touch of lip gloss, I fluff my hair and walk out of the bathroom. “Lisa. Are you ready?” When I lift my head, I’m floored by what’s in front of me. There are no words leaving my lips and my heart has stopped beating.

  “Baby.”

  I spin around, dropping my clutch, and my hands fly to my mouth.

  He’s back.

  Chapter 25

  Justin

  Everyone has a defining moment in their life. They have one shot to make things better. To make things right. There’s one choice that needs to be made and once you make it, there’s no turning back.

  Right here.

  Right now.

  This is my moment.

  I’m staring at the woman I love. The woman who owns my heart and soul. She’s the one who sees the light inside me and she’s the one that brought me back to life when I thought my life didn’t have meaning. Walking away from her will always be my regret. Leaving her changed me and I don’t want to continue living without her by
my side.

  Where she belongs.

  This brave and kind-hearted woman is my saving grace. She’s my Mallory. There will never be enough words in the English language to describe what she does to me. What she means to me.

  She takes my breath away.

  For a moment, I’m unable to speak as I take in the beautiful woman before my eyes. She’s everything good in my life and I’m going to make sure she knows how much I love her. How much I adore her.

  It takes everything inside me to speak. “Baby.” My voice cracks.

  Mallory spins around, dropping her purse thing, and covering her mouth with those beautiful and smooth hands.

  “Justin. How are you standing here? What’s going on?”

  My heart rages against my chest. “I’m back. I know I have no right to stand here before you after the way I left and the way I hurt you. Baby, I’m sorry. You deserve better than that, and I didn’t see it at the time. I was blinded by my own hate and anger that I didn’t see the light you’ve brought back until I found myself alone.”

  Her hands drop from her face and her eyes grow wide then quickly narrows at me. “Why?”

  My tongue’s in a knot. Everything I want to say is there, but she’s standing before me in defense mode, and I don’t blame her. I’m expecting her to walk out of this apartment and never look back, but I’m holding on to my last shred of hope and praying she won’t do that.

  Please don’t leave me.

  “I know I don’t have the right to ask this of you, and I’m sorry you went weeks without hearing from me before I came back.”

  “Yeah.” She scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest. “Getting updates from Jerry is exactly what I wanted, Justin. How hard was it to let me know you were okay?”

  “Hard. Being away from you was the hardest, but telling you I was okay while knowing how badly I hurt you? Shit, Mallory, that was hard for me to swallow. I was losing my mind at my parents’ house. I wanted to come back and explain everything to you, but I took a coward’s way out and ran.”

  “You did. You ran and left me here wondering what the hell I did wrong.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong,” I quickly tell her. “Nothing. This was all on me. Leaving the Marines is still on my mind, and it’s a battle I experience on a daily basis. It haunts me. I should be over there fighting like I want, but I had to leave for Carson. Seeing the discharge certificate pushed me back to a dark corner. It brought me back into the hole I was in when I lost everything.”

  “You didn’t lose everything. You still had me, Justin. I was right in front of you, begging you to talk to me, to love me and for you to let me in. All I wanted was a chance to help you through your demons.”

  “I know.”

  She throws her arms in the air “If you know, yet you still left? I mean, my God. What do you want me to say?”

  “I want you to listen if you can, please.”

  “Okay. I’m listening.”

  I step closer to her, testing my luck, and she doesn’t move away. “Your letter. I got it and read it over and over again. I want to be the man who loves you and supports you. I want to be the man you deserve.” I tell her, my voice breaking. “I want another chance to prove to you how much I love you and how I’m going to spend every day of my life showing you the love you deserve. I want to try again to be the man you need. I hate this feeling.”

  “What feeling?”

  “The feeling of being without you.” I press my hand to my chest, feeling my heart pounding. “There’s a void in my heart where you settled in. I want to fill my heart with your love.”

  “Justin,” she cries, and it breaks my heart, but there’s more I need to say to her.

  “I’m damaged. I’ve been through a lot in my life. People have left me and it’s hard to let anyone in. I’m trying my hardest to let you in. I’m vulnerable. You might get scared. Hell, maybe you’re the answer to all my prayers. I have scars.”

  “We all do, Justin. I may not be able to heal you, but I can love you with my whole heart.” She places both hands on her chest. “I can lift you up from the darkness and remind you of the man you are. I can hold your hand when you’re falling apart and we can pick up the pieces together. You’ll never have to go through life alone because I’m not going anywhere.”

  “You’ll come back to me? You’re mine again?”

  She doesn’t answer. Instead she rushes into my arms, jumping to me and I catch her, spinning her around and feeling her arms wrapped around my neck.

  “I know I left you and I’m sorry, but please don’t leave me.”

  “I won’t. I’ll always be here.”

  Chapter 26

  Mallory

  “Let me love you. I want you to feel my love and understand how sorry I am for hurting you the way I did.”

  His words ignite me as I take his hand and take him to my bedroom. As soon as the door closes, our clothes are flying around the room, Justin takes me in his arms and entwines his hand with mine while his other hand travels down my body until he hits my opening. His fingers swirl around my clit, teasing me and making me want more.

  “Justin,” I moan, pulling him closer to me. “Justin. Please. Show me how much you’ve missed me. Show me how much you love me.”

  “You want me to make love to you? Make you moan my name and scream for more?”

  My head’s spinning between listening to his words and the pleasuring building from between my legs. My eyes never leave his and my body is hanging off the edge of the cliff. I’m completely unraveling for him.

  “Yes, all of that. It’s been too long. All I want is you.”

  “You have no idea,” he whispers into my hair. “I’ve missed you.”

  “I miss you too, but right now I need you to make love to me before I fall apart in your arms.”

  “Whatever you say, baby.”

  Justin picks me up and carries me to the bed. He lays me down gently and hovers over my body, stroking my face and keeping his eyes on me.

  “I love you so much, Mallory. I’m a fucking idiot for leaving you. I’m not going to do that again.”

  “I know you won’t.”

  “Tell me it’s okay to make love to you now. I need to hear you say it.”

  “It’s okay, Justin. Please I need you.”

  His breath is ragged as he pushes inside me. “Fuck.”

  “What?” I nervously ask.

  “Condom.”

  “Were you with anyone while we were apart?”

  “God, no.”

  “I’m on birth control and I’m clean.”

  “Me too.”

  “Please continue. It’s fine. Trust me.”

  He drops his lips to mine. “I trust you.”

  My stomach drops as he thrusts inside me, going in and out gently at first and then picking up speed. I dig my nails into his shoulder, and he hisses sharply in my ear. The only sounds in the room are our heavy breathing and moaning. His thrusts becomes hard and fast, and the heat of his body lights mine on fire.

  “God you feel so good. Fuck. I’m not going to last.”

  I moan, “Me either. Justin!” I scream, wrapping my legs around his waist as I tell him to go harder.

  “Damn, baby.”

  “Yes.”

  Our breathing comes to a slow and steady pace as he pulls himself out and wraps me in his arms. We lay in each other’s arms, and I press my ear to his chest, listening to his heartbeat. This man owns every inch of me. My heart and soul. He’s back, and I know he’s not going to leave me again. I’m going to lose myself in him completely.

  “I love you, Mallory.”

  I sigh and fall into his side, holding on tightly. “I love you.”

  * * *

  It’s date night.

  The table we’re sitting at is near a fireplace. We’re in Lakeville for dinner. Justin wanted to see his parents for a little while, and then we left and came to this cozy restaurant. Courtney told us we needed to go here, and we
listened.

  “We need to come back here. The food is so good. I never thought I’d like French cuisine.”

  “I agree. I’m glad you like everything.” Justin goes back to taking a few bites of his food.

  Tonight’s different again.

  We had a great few weeks, then Justin slowly began to fade. He was working himself to the point of exhaustion. He tried talking to me, but I knew it was hard. Instead, he started writing in a journal and showing me each entry. His words broke me. He was scared and wasn’t sure how to handle his emotions. He missed his brother and wanted to visit his grave. The Marines he left behind stayed with him.

  “I know I’ve been in a mood and I’m sorry, baby. I’m trying to get my thoughts together. You’ve been helpful, and I’m sorry I haven’t shown that. Please know how much I appreciate you being here for me.”

  I smile. “Of course, Justin. I told you we’re in this together and we are. Nothing’s going to make me change my mind. As long as you’re trying and not giving up.”

  “I know.”

  He’s not as talkative, but he’s attentive. We haven’t had a night like this in a while, and I don’t know if it’s the environment we’re in or if he’s feeling guilty about leaving the bar to go out with me.

  Am I keeping him away from what he thinks he should be doing?

  “Justin, is everything okay? What’s going on?”

  “Nothing.” He half-smiles. “Remember that episode of Friends we watched where Ross said, ‘I’m fine.’”

  “Yes, what about it?”

  He laughs before taking a drink of his beer. “That’s me.” He mimics Ross’s scene and exaggerates the I’m fine. “You worry too much. When I tell you I’m fine, you should take my word for it.”