The Unbelievable Oliver and the Four Jokers

by Pseudonymous Bosch

  “There’s nothing there.” She seemed disappointed.

  “Are you sure?” Oliver reached in the hat, and pulled Benny out by his ears, the coin clenched between his massive incisors. “Ta-da!”

  For the first time, the audience began to clap, but they were quickly silenced.

  “Stop!” Maddox shouted. Everyone’s head swiveled as the birthday boy returned. “Nobody move. Mom, call the police. There’s been a robbery.”

  “Did he say police?” whispered Benny through his clenched teeth. “I knew this gig was too good to be true.”

  “But the rabbit was just about to give the quarter back,” Maddox’s mom said.

  At this, the rabbit nodded vigorously, dropped the quarter to the ground, and swung himself head-first back into the hat.

  “Not the quarter,” said Maddox, kicking the coin away. “The robo-cat. RK-D2. I left it right on top of the kitchen island, and it’s gone.”

  He looked accusingly at his classmates. “Somebody here stole it!”

  Accusations All Around

  Now, I like magic as much as the next person who writes books about magic and thinks about magic all day long. But, forgive me, there is something that sometimes fascinates me more than a magic trick.

  Chocolate? Yes, of course, chocolate always comes first. However, I’m thinking of something else at the moment.

  Crime.

  In my fascination with crime I am not alone. As soon as Maddox uttered the word robbery, every guest at his party was transfixed. Forget about Oliver’s magic show. A theft—now that was interesting!

  You could have heard a pin drop, never mind a quarter from a rabbit’s mouth.

  Maddox’s mother tried to remain calm. “Now, Maddox, be reasonable,” she said to her son. “Who would steal a cat?”

  All eyes turned to Rose, who paled under her cat ears.

  “Rose must have taken it,” said Jayden. “She’s way too into cats.”

  Rose was, in fact, very much into cats. Aside from the cat-ears headband, she wore a cat T-shirt, a cat backpack, and more cat hairs than you could count.

  “I didn’t take the cat,” Rose said. “I’m allergic.”

  “But you love cats!” Memphis shouted. “You’re the weird cat girl!”

  Rose stood her ground. “Oh, I love cats. I’m allergic to robots.”

  Her classmates made skeptical noises. They knew about a lot of allergies, but this was a new one.

  “I’m serious.” Rose lifted her arm to show her medical wristbands. “See?

  “It’s the silicon. That’s why I don’t use computers.”

  Suddenly, the weird cat girl’s behavior began to make more sense.

  “It was Oliver then,” Memphis said. “He makes things disappear.”

  “No I don’t!” Oliver looked around for something that might prove his point, but Benny was hiding inside the hat, and the coin Maddox had kicked was nowhere to be seen.

  Maddox turned to the partygoers. “He’s trying to trick us! But it won’t work. We aren’t falling for it this time.”

  Bea tried to help. “Oliver isn’t a good enough magician to pull off that kind of disappearing act.”

  “Or maybe the twins took it,” Memphis said. “They wanted the RK-D2 for themselves.”

  “That’s not true!” Teenie shouted. “We wanted the calico model.”

  Maddox nodded, an unpleasant smile on his face. “Yeah, that’s why they got me the cat! Think about it. Their mom won’t buy it for them, so they had her buy it for me. Then they stole it back.”

  “But we don’t have a mom,” Teenie said.

  “So your dads got it for you.” Maddox shrugged. “Same thing.”

  Jayden joined in: “It’s the perfect alibi! Nobody would suspect you.”

  “Yeah,” said Joe. “Not even us!”

  Even though they were wrong about the twins, Oliver had to admit the mean kids were smarter than he’d thought. Their logic was sound.

  “Maybe it’s just lost,” Oliver suggested.

  “Maybe you lost it, loser!” said Maddox. “Or more like you took it!”

  The group erupted into accusations.

  “Tough crowd,” Benny whispered.

  Oliver’s first magic show was not shaping up to be a success.

  Maddox’s mother did her best to change the mood of the party.

  “Intermission!” she announced. “Why doesn’t everyone go swimming? We’ll have more magic in a bit. Be careful around the Candycano. It erupts every fifteen minutes.”

  The children turned around to see the fearsome Candycano. Sure, a lot of parties have candy tables, but this was a fancy party. It had a candy volcano. A towering mountain of sugary treats topped by a crater of melted chocolate lava.

  Hanging above was an illuminated countdown clock.

  Released from magic show prison, some kids made a break for the Candycano, some for the pool or climbing wall. Only Rose braved the reptile petting zoo.

  “Not so fast, you three!” Maddox’s mother said to Oliver, Bea, and Teenie. “I don’t know what happened here, but my son thinks you stole his present.”

  Benny tugged on a strand of Oliver’s hair. “Let’s make a break for it, Ollie! Our gooses are cooked. Our hen has mislaid the golden egg. And the chickens have come home to roost. Know what I mean, kid?”

  As usual, Oliver had no idea what Benny meant. He also had no idea who stole the robo-cat, and it was clear that Maddox’s mother expected some answers.

  “Let the police sort it out,” Maddox said.

  The whole crew shuddered at the mention of police involvement, none more so than Benny.

  Maddox’s mother tried to ease the tension. “No, no, no, that won’t be necessary. We’ll just call their parents.”

  Now Bea and Teenie were even more terrified. If their fathers thought they’d stolen a robot, they’d be grounded for months, and their own birthday was just weeks away.

  “Please don’t call our dads!” Teenie cried.

  “We’ll get the cat back, we promise,” Bea said. “Just give us a little time. Oliver will find it before his encore performance.”

  “I will?”

  “Here—” Before Oliver could protest, Bea pulled out the rider and scribbled an addendum on her sister’s back.

  Maddox’s mother read through the updated agreement and checked her watch. “Okay,” she said. “You three have thirteen minutes—watch the Candycano clock—until Oliver’s next performance. We’ll expect the cat back by then. Does that sound good, Maddox?”

  “Sure, whatever,” he said to his mother.

  Just before Maddox snuck out the door, he whispered so only Oliver (and Benny) could hear, “If you don’t find the cat, I’ll make Joe beat you up.”

  As everyone knew, Joe, the biggest kid in the third grade, did everything Maddox told him to. If he said to beat them up, then—

  Bea and Maddox’s mother shook hands, not realizing Maddox had just made his own secret amendment to the deal.

  Our friends had thirteen minutes to solve the mystery. Or else. As for Benny, he was oddly silent, but Oliver’s head felt suddenly very warm and very wet.

  “Does anybody else want some candy?” asked Teenie.

  I think it’s a good time for us to take a break as well. May I suggest the bathroom? Or perhaps a chocolate chip cookie?

  (Just please no cookies in the bathroom.)

  See you in a few minutes.

  The Who, the What, and the Where

  A moment later, our three friends were huddling in the shadow of the Candycano.

  After they’d had their fill of jelly beans and Skittles, but before they’d moved on to candy corn or Red Vines, Bea pulled out her notebook. Behind her, the Candycano gurgled ominously. Chocolate lava trickled down the sides—a war
ning of things to come.

  The Mystery of the Missing Robo-Kitty, Bea wrote.

  “Okay, here’s the game,” she said. “We’re detectives and a robotic cat has been stolen.”

  “It’s not a game,” Oliver pointed out.

  Bea looked at him as if he were being very silly. “Yeah, but the rules are the same.”

  Teenie nodded in agreement. “Rules are rules.”

  Oliver was getting worried. “I don’t think we have any of those things.”

  “Darn! He’s right,” said Teenie. “Should we play Super Fairies instead?”

  “Let’s just summarize what we know so far,” said Bea. “It all comes down to the Who, the What, and the Where. For example, Ms. Peacock with the knife in the dining room. So—who are our suspects?”

  “You, me, and Oliver,” said Teenie quickly.

  Bea wrote their names down under the heading SUSPECTS.

  “But none of us did it,” said Oliver, who was looking at the countdown clock and beginning to panic.

  “Oliver, stop being so negative! Actually, that’s a good point,” she admitted, crossing out their names. “I’ll be the Who. My job will be to look for new suspects.”

  “What am I looking for?” Teenie asked.

  “You’re the What. The weapon.”

  “But there isn’t a weapon. Unless . . .” Teenie’s eyes widened. “Are you saying the robo-kitty was killed?”

  “No! I mean, I don’t think so, but it was stolen,” said Bea. “What was it stolen with? That’s the question. What do you need to move a robot?”

  “A phone,” said Oliver.

  Bea glared at her friend. “If you won’t help, at least be silent.”

  “An app,” said Teenie. “The robot runs on an app!”

  “Yes, that’s it!” said Bea. “And for an app you need . . . a phone. So the weapon is a phone?”

  “That’s what I said,” said Oliver.

  “Don’t gloat, Oliver. It’s not nice. Teenie, your job will to be to look at people’s phones for the RK-D2 app.”

  Teenie nodded gravely. “Those phones will never see me coming. A Super Fairy moves silently and cannot be seen.” She demonstrated by hiding behind a potted palm tree.

  Bea pointed to Oliver. “You’re the Where.”

  “Huh?”

  “You investigate the crime scene. Maddox said the cat was last seen in the kitchen, right? Start there.”

  For Benny, who had been listening inside Oliver’s hat, this was too much. “Crime scene?!” he whispered hoarsely. “We can’t go there. Think! It’s bound to be swarming with police.”

  Bea looked at Oliver askance. “Did you say ‘swarming with fleas’? Maddox doesn’t have any pets.”

  “No, I . . . Never mind, I’ll go,” said Oliver unhappily.

  “Great,” Bea said. “We’ll meet back here in T-minus nine minutes. Everyone, synchronize your watches!”

  None of them had watches, so the synchronizing went fast.

  “Okay, go!”

  Teenie ran off.

  Bea buried her head in her notebook, leaving their reluctant fellow detectives, Oliver and Benny, to investigate the scene of the crime.

  Now, please don’t think Bea was shirking her own detective duties. It’s true that there was a novel hidden inside her notebook, and, all right, she may have opened it and read a paragraph or two. But, I promise, she quickly closed it and jumped into action.

  Besides, reading a novel is an excellent way to investigate all sorts of things. Just think of all you’re learning about detective work right now!

  The Investigation, Part One

  OLIVER: THE WHERE

  Oliver wasn’t sure where the kitchen was, but he followed a caterer holding a near-empty tray of miniature churros.

  “Grab me one of those, would ya?” Benny requested. “If I’m going on the lam again I need a full tummy.”

  “The lamb? Is there a lamb here?” asked Oliver. “I thought the petting zoo was all reptiles.”

  “On the lam, Ollie. On the run from the law.”

  “Oh.”

  “You’re going to have to know the lingo if you’re going to keep going to parties like this one.”

  The kitchen was bigger than Oliver’s whole apartment. Maddox had said the robo-kitty went missing from the kitchen island, but there were three islands in the kitchen.

  “A kitchen archipelago,” Benny whispered. Oliver didn’t know what archipelago meant, but it sounded scary. (It’s a group of islands, if you’re curious.)

  “Well, what now, Ollie? You gonna dust for fingerprints?” the bunny asked.

  Ollie looked around the kitchen in despair. Even if he knew how to dust for fingerprints, he wouldn’t be able to; the islands were covered with catering equipment and piles of food.

  “Get these out to section seven!”

  Oliver didn’t realize he was the one being shouted at until he was handed a tray of juice boxes. With his fancy jacket, he’d been mistaken for a waiter.

  Oliver started to sweat. He didn’t know how to investigate a crime scene, he didn’t know how to be a waiter, he didn’t know where section seven was, or even if he should accept tips.

  Then he saw Joe, headed right toward him with a big trash bag.

  “Out of my way!”

  “What a nice young man, taking out the trash like that,” Benny said, watching Joe go.

  Oliver picked himself up, along with a few juice boxes. “Actually, maybe it’s not nice to say so, but Joe’s not nice at all.”

  “Huh, very suspicious.” Benny scratched his own head and Oliver’s at the same time. “Maybe you should investigate.”

  “You’re right!” In his excitement, Oliver was about to run out of the kitchen. Then he realized he’d forgotten something. “Hey, Benny? How do you investigate?”

  “Well, you want to trail that kid, right?” Benny jumped down, using the hat as a parachute. He reached back into the hat and grabbed a pair of sunglasses. “Did you bring a disguise?”

  “I didn’t even bring swim trunks.”

  “Kid, this is a pool party!” Benny shook his head. “Anyway, we’ll have to be careful.”

  “’Course your best bet, to avoid being seen at all, is to run away,” said Benny.

  “I can’t run away!” said Oliver. “What about Bea and Teenie!”

  “You do what you want, but I gotta split. Those wise guys in Reno, they put a tail on me.”

  “You weren’t born with one?”

  “I’m talking about the fuzz, kid.”

  “Your tail’s not fuzzy?” Now Oliver was really confused.

  “My tail’s plenty fuzzy, thank you very much! The fuzz are the police. You think those coppers are coming here for some kid’s cat toy? I don’t think so.”

  By now they were outside. Joe was nowhere to be seen.

  “But I need your help finding Joe,” Oliver said desperately. “Where would the garbage go?”

  “How should I know? Do I look like a map?”

  “The map! You sure are smart, Benny. And not just for a bunny.” Oliver unfolded his party map.

  “What are you saying—most bunnies are dumb?”

  “No. No. Not at all! You’d be smart, no matter what kind of . . . small furry animal you were.”

  The rabbit looked as though he had a few choice furry words for Oliver. “I’ll get you as far as the garbage. Then you’re on your own, Ollie.”

  “Refuse and Recycling?” said Oliver, studying the map. “You think that means garbage?”

  “Well, it don’t mean roses.”

  (True. Unless you refuse roses. Then they become refuse, pronounced REH-fuse, as well. Personally, I always refuse roses, except when they come with chocolate.)

  BEA: THE WHO
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br />   Now that Teenie and Oliver had gone, other kids were starting to come up to the Candycano for their sugar fix. Bea found that if she kept her nose in her notebook, they barely noticed that she was there, and they spoke freely amongst themselves. Maybe she would find her suspect just by standing still and listening!

  After all, the Genius Fairies always said “Observation is the key to understanding.” And eavesdropping is just observing with your ears, right?

  Bea had always assumed that her classmates said clever and fascinating things when she wasn’t around. Why else would they be so much more interested in each other than they were in her? But listening to them now she was forced to admit that she’d been wrong.

  Here are some of the things she heard:

  And so Bea learned an important lesson. While her classmates did all share a characteristic that she lacked, it wasn’t that they were clever and fascinating. It was that they were all willing to do crazy, possibly dangerous things.

  Alas, she was still no closer to identifying a suspect in the Case of the Missing Robo-Kitty.

  Then something caught her eye: a red line snaking away from the Candycano. It was a licorice rope leading off into the distance. Why would someone leave good licorice on the ground and not eat it, she wondered.

  Bea picked up the trail and followed the red rope around the Olympic-sized pool, under the lifeguard station, and into the bushes, eating the delicious evidence along the way.

  TEENIE: THE WHAT

  Meanwhile, Teenie was hopping around the yard, looking for a phone with the RK-D2 app.

  She found Maddox’s mother lying on a chaise by the pool, texting on her phone. Glancing over her shoulder, Teenie could see a text thread with Maddox’s father.