The Memory Keeper's Daughter

by Kim Edwards

  “I’ll get some,” Caroline offered, glad for an excuse to go after Phoebe.

  “She’ll be okay,” Al said, catching her hand and gesturing to the chair beside him.

  “I’ll just check,” Caroline said. “I won’t be a minute.”

  She walked through the empty halls, so bright and quiet, Al’s touch still present on her skin. She went down the stairs and into the kitchen, pushing open the swinging metal doors with one hand and reaching for the light switch with the other. The sudden fluorescence caught them like a photograph: Phoebe, in her flowered dress, her back against the counter, Robert standing close, his arms around her, one hand sliding up her leg. In the instant before they turned, Caroline saw that he was going to kiss her and Phoebe wanted to be kissed and was ready to kiss him back: this Robert, her first true love. Her eyes were closed, her face awash with pleasure.

  “Phoebe,” Caroline said, sharply. “Phoebe and Robert, that’s enough.”

  They pulled away from each other, startled but not contrite.

  “It’s okay,” Robert said. “Phoebe is my girlfriend.”

  “We’re getting married,” Phoebe added.

  Caroline, trembling, tried to stay calm. Phoebe was, after all, a grown woman. “Robert,” she said, “I need to talk to Phoebe for a minute. Alone, please.”

  Robert hesitated, then walked past Caroline, all his gregarious enthusiasm evaporated. “It’s not bad,” he said, pausing at the door. “Me and Phoebe—we love each other.”

  “I know,” Caroline said, as the doors swung shut behind him.

  Phoebe stood beneath the harsh lights, twisting her necklace. “You can kiss someone you love, Mom. You kiss Al.”

  Caroline nodded, remembering Al’s hand on her waist. “That’s right. But, honey, that looked like more than kissing.”

  “Mom!” Phoebe was exasperated. “Robert and me are getting married.”

  Caroline replied without thinking. “You can’t get married, sweetie.”

  Phoebe looked up, her face set in a stubborn expression Caroline knew well. Fluorescent light fell through a colander and made a pattern on her cheeks.

  “Why not?”

  “Sweetheart, marriage …” Caroline paused, thinking of Al, his recent weariness, the distance he put between them every time he traveled. “Look, it’s complicated, honey. You can love Robert without getting married.”

  “No. Me and Robert, we’re getting married.”

  Caroline sighed. “All right. Say you do. Where are you going to live?”

  “We’ll buy a house,” Phoebe said, her expression intent now, earnest. “We’ll live there, Mom. We’ll have some babies.”

  “Babies are an awful lot of work,” Caroline said. “I wonder if you and Robert know how much work babies are? And they’re expensive. How are you going to pay for this house? For food?”

  “Robert has a job. So do I. We have a lot of money.”

  “But you won’t be able to work if you’re watching the babies.”

  Phoebe considered this, frowning, and Caroline’s heart filled. Such profound and simple dreams, and they couldn’t come true, and where was the fairness in that?

  “I love Robert,” Phoebe insisted. “Robert loves me. Plus, Avery had a baby.”

  “Oh, honey,” Caroline said. She remembered Avery Swan pushing a carriage down the sidewalk, pausing so Phoebe could lean over and touch the new baby gently on the cheek. “Oh, sweetheart.” She crossed the space between them and put her hands on Phoebe’s shoulders. “Remember when you and Avery rescued Rain? And we love Rain, but he’s a lot of work. You have to empty the litter box and comb his hair, you have to clean up the mess he makes and let him in and out, and you worry about him a lot when he doesn’t come home. Having a baby is even more, Phoebe. Having a baby is like having twenty Rains.”

  Phoebe’s face was falling, tears were slipping down her cheeks.

  “It’s not fair,” she whispered.

  “It’s not fair,” Caroline agreed.

  They stood for a moment, quiet in the bright harsh lights.

  “Look, Phoebe, can you help me?” she asked finally. “Linda needs some cookies, too.”

  Phoebe nodded, wiping her eyes. They walked back up the stairs and through the hallway, carrying boxes and bottles, not speaking.

  Later that night, Caroline told Al what had happened. He was sitting beside her on the couch, arms folded, already half asleep. His neck was still tender, reddened from shaving earlier, and dark circles shadowed his eyes. In the morning he would rise at dawn and drive away.

  “She wants so much to have her own life, Al. And it should be so simple.”

  “Mmm,” he said, rousing. “Well, maybe it is simple, Caroline. Other people live in the facility and they seem to manage okay. We’d be right here.”

  Caroline shook her head. “I just can’t imagine her out in the world. And she certainly can’t get married, Al. What if she did get pregnant? I’m not ready to raise another child, and that’s what it would mean.”

  “I don’t want to raise another baby either,” Al said.

  “Maybe we should keep her from seeing Robert for a while.”

  Al turned to look at her, surprised. “You think that would be a good thing?”

  “I don’t know.” Caroline sighed. “I just don’t know.”

  “Look here,” Al said gently. “From the minute I met you, Caroline, you’ve been demanding that the world not slam any doors on Phoebe. Do not underestimate her—How many times have I heard you say that? So why won’t you let her move out? Why not let her try? She might like the place. You might like the freedom.”

  She stared at the crown molding, thinking it needed painting, while a difficult truth struggled to the surface.

  “I can’t imagine my life without her,” she said softly.

  “No one’s asking you to do that. But she’s grown up, Caroline. That’s the thing. Why have you worked all your life, if not for some kind of independent life for Phoebe?”

  “I suppose you’d like to be free,” Caroline said. “You’d like to take off. To travel.”

  “And you wouldn’t?”

  “Of course I would,” she cried, surprised at the intensity of her response. “But Al, even if Phoebe moves out, she’ll never be completely independent. And I’m afraid you’re unhappy because of it. I’m afraid you’re going to leave us. Honey, you’ve been more and more distant these past years.”

  Al didn’t speak for a long time. “Why are you so mad?” he asked at last. “What have I ever done to make you feel like I’m going to leave?”

  “I’m not mad,” she said quickly, because she heard in his voice that she’d hurt him. “Al, wait here a second.” She walked across the room and took the letter from the drawer. “This is why I’m upset. I don’t know what to do.”

  He took the letter and studied it for a long time, turning it over once as if its mystery might be answered by something written on the back, then reading it once more.

  “How much is in this account?” he asked, looking up.

  She shook her head. “I don’t know yet. I have to go in person to find out.”

  Al nodded, studying the letter again. “It’s strange, the way he did this: a secret account.”

  “I know. Maybe he was afraid I’d tell Norah. Maybe he wanted to make sure she had time to get used to his death. That’s all I can imagine.” She thought of Norah, moving through the world, never suspecting that her daughter was still alive. And Paul—what had become of him? Hard to imagine who he might be now, that dark-haired infant she’d seen only once.

  “What do you think we should do?” she asked.

  “Well, find out the details, first. We’ll go down to see this lawyer fellow together when I get back. I can take off a day or two. After that, I don’t know, Caroline. We sleep on it, I guess. We don’t have to do anything right away.”

  “All right,” she said, all her consternation of the last week falling away. Al made it s
ound so easy. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said.

  “Honestly, Caroline.” He took her hand in his. “I’m not going anywhere. Except to Toledo, at six o’clock tomorrow morning. So I think I’ll go up and hit the sack.”

  He kissed her then, full on the lips, and pulled her close. Caroline pressed her cheek against his, taking in his scent and warmth, thinking of meeting him that day in the parking lot outside of Louisville, the day that defined her life.

  Al got up, his hand still in hers. “Come upstairs?” he invited.

  She nodded and stood, her hand in his.

  • • •

  In the morning she rose early and made breakfast, decorating the plates of eggs, bacon, and hash browns with sprigs of parsley.

  “That sure smells good,” Al said, as he came in, kissing her cheek and tossing the paper on the table, along with yesterday’s mail. The letters were cool, faintly damp, in her hands. There were two bills, plus a bright postcard of the Aegean Sea with a note from Doro on the back.

  Caroline ran her fingers over the picture and read the brief message. “Trace sprained his ankle in Paris.”

  “That’s too bad.” Al snapped open the paper and shook his head at the election news.

  “Hey, Caroline,” he said after a moment, putting the paper down. “I was thinking last night. Why don’t you come with me? Linda would take Phoebe for the weekend, I bet. We could get away, you and me. You’d get a chance to see how Phoebe might do with some time on her own. What do you say?”

  “Right now? Just leave, you mean?”

  “Yeah. Seize the day. Why not?”

  “Oh,” she said, flustered, pleased, though she didn’t like the long hours on the road. “I don’t know. There’s so much to do this week. Maybe next time,” she added quickly, not wanting to turn him away.

  “We could take some side trips, this time,” he coaxed. “Make it more interesting for you.”

  “It’s a really good idea,” she said, thinking with surprise that it was.

  He smiled, disappointed, and leaned to kiss her, his lips brief and cool on hers.

  After Al drove off, Caroline hung Doro’s postcard on the refrigerator. It was a bleak November, the weather damp and gray and edging to snow, and she liked looking at that bright, alluring sea, the edge of warm sand. All that week, helping patients or making dinner or folding laundry, Caroline remembered Al’s invitation. She thought about the passionate kiss she’d interrupted between Robert and her daughter, and about the residence where Phoebe wanted to live. Al was right. Someday the two of them would no longer be here, and Phoebe had a right to a life of her own.

  Yet the world was no less cruel than ever. On Tuesday, while they were in the dining room eating meat loaf and mashed potatoes and green beans, Phoebe reached into her pocket and took out a little plastic puzzle, the kind with numbers printed on movable squares. The trick was to put the numbers in order, and she pushed at them in between bites.

  “That’s nice,” Caroline said idly, drinking her milk. “Where did you get that, honey?”

  “From Mike.”

  “Does he work with you?” Caroline asked. “Is he new?”

  “No,” Phoebe said. “I met him on the bus.”

  “On the bus?”

  “Uh-huh. Yesterday. He was nice.”

  “I see.” Caroline felt time slowing down a bit, all her senses growing more alert. She had to force herself to speak calmly, naturally. “Mike gave you the puzzle?”

  “Uh-huh. He was nice. And he has a new bird. He wants to show me.”

  “Does he?” Caroline said, a cool wind rushing through her. “Phoebe, honey, you can’t even think about going off with strangers. We talked about that.”

  “I know. I told him,” Phoebe said. She pushed the puzzle away and squirted more ketchup on her meat loaf. “He said, ‘Come home with me, Phoebe.’ And I said, ‘Okay, but I have to tell my mom first.’ ”

  “What a good idea,” Caroline managed to say.

  “So can I? Can I go to Mike’s house tomorrow?”

  “Where does Mike live?”

  Phoebe shrugged. “I don’t know. I see him on the bus.”

  “Every day?”

  “Uh-huh. Can I go? I want to see his bird.”

  “Well, what if I come too?” Caroline said carefully. “What if we take the bus together tomorrow? That way I can meet Mike, and I’ll come with you to see the bird. How’s that?”

  “That’s good,” Phoebe said, pleased, and finished her milk.

  For the next two days, Caroline took the bus with Phoebe to and from her job, but Mike never showed up.

  “Honey, I’m afraid he was lying,” she told Phoebe on Thursday night as they washed the dishes. Phoebe was wearing a yellow sweater, and her hands sported a dozen little paper cuts from work. Caroline watched her pick up each plate and dry it carefully, grateful that Phoebe was safe, terrified that some day she would not be. Who was this stranger, this Mike, and what might he have done to Phoebe if she had gone with him? Caroline filed a report with the police, but she had little hope that they’d find him. Nothing had actually happened, after all, and Phoebe couldn’t describe the man, except to say that he’d worn a gold ring and blue sneakers.

  “Mike is nice,” Phoebe insisted. “He wouldn’t lie.”

  “Sweetheart, not everyone is good or wants what’s best for you. He didn’t come back to the bus, like he promised. He was trying to trick you, Phoebe. You have to be careful.”

  “You always say that,” Phoebe responded, throwing the dish towel on the counter. “You say that about Robert.”

  “That’s different. Robert isn’t trying to hurt you.”

  “I love Robert.”

  “I know.” Caroline closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Look, Phoebe, I love you. I don’t want you to get hurt. Sometimes the world is dangerous. I think this man is dangerous.”

  “But I didn’t go with him,” Phoebe said, picking up on the sternness and fear in Caroline’s voice. She put the last plate on the counter, suddenly near tears. “I didn’t go.”

  “You were smart,” Caroline said. “You did the right thing. Never go with anyone.”

  “Unless they know the word.”

  “Right. And the word is a secret, you don’t tell anyone.”

  “Starfire!” Phoebe whispered loudly, beaming. “It’s a secret.”

  “Yes.” Caroline sighed. “Yes, it’s a secret.”

  • • •

  On Friday morning, Caroline drove Phoebe to work. That evening, she sat in her car, waiting, watching Phoebe through the window as she moved behind the counter, binding documents or joking with Max, her co-worker, a young woman with her hair pulled back in a ponytail who went out to lunch with Phoebe every Friday, and who was not afraid to take her to task if she messed up an order. Phoebe had worked here for three years now. She loved her job and she was good at it. Caroline, watching her daughter move behind the pane of glass, thought back to the long hours of organizing, all the presentations and the fights and paperwork it had taken to make this moment possible for Phoebe. Yet so much remained. The incident on the bus was just one concern. Phoebe didn’t earn enough to live on, and she simply could not stay by herself, not even for a weekend. If a fire broke out or the electricity failed, she would be frightened and would not know what to do.

  And then there was Robert. On the drive home, Phoebe chatted about work, about Max, and about Robert, Robert, Robert. He was coming over the next day to make a pie with Phoebe. Caroline listened, glad it was almost Saturday and Al would be back. One good thing about the stranger on the bus: he had given her an excuse to take Phoebe back and forth, thus limiting the time she spent with Robert.

  When they walked in the door, the phone was ringing. Caroline sighed. It would be a salesman, or a neighbor collecting for the heart fund, or a wrong number. Rain mewed in welcome, weaving around her ankles. “Scat,” she said, and picked up the phone.

  It was the police,
the officer on the other end clearing his throat, asking for her. Caroline was surprised, then pleased. Perhaps they had found the man on the bus, after all.

  “Yes,” she said, watching Phoebe pick up Rain and hug him. “This is Caroline Simpson.”

  He cleared his throat again and began.

  Later, Caroline would remember this moment as being very large, time expanding until it filled the whole room and pressed her down into a chair, though the news was simple enough and could not have taken very long to say. Al’s truck had left the road on a curve, breaking through a guardrail and flying into a low hill. He was in the hospital with a broken leg; the same trauma center where, so many years ago, Caroline had agreed to marry him.

  Phoebe was humming to Rain, but she seemed to sense that something was wrong and looked up, questioning, the minute Caroline hung up the phone. Caroline explained what had happened as she drove. In the tiled hospital corridors, she found herself swimming in memories of that earlier day: Phoebe’s lips swelling, her breathing labored, Al stepping in when she was so angry with that nurse. Now Phoebe was a grown woman, walking beside her in her work vest; she and Al had been married for eighteen years.

  Eighteen years.

  He was awake, his dark and silver hair standing out against the whiteness of the pillow. He tried to sit up when they came in but then grimaced in pain and lay back down slowly.

  “Oh, Al.” She crossed the room and took his hand.

  “I’m okay,” he said, and he closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. She felt herself going very still inside, for she had never seen Al like this, so shaken he was trembling slightly, a muscle twitching in his jaw up near his ear.

  “Hey, you’re starting to scare me,” she said, trying to keep her tone light.

  He opened his eyes then, and for an instant they were looking straight at each other, everything between them falling away. He reached up and touched one large hand lightly against her cheek. She pressed it with her own hand, felt tears in her eyes.

  “What happened?” she whispered.