BLISS

by A. R. Breck

  When Aric died, it was the final crack in my demeanor. My soul literally could not handle another death, and I thought the only way to solve the pain was to end it for good. I couldn’t handle being sober, because I knew the moment I was, the feelings would come back. I didn’t want them to.

  But when I came to The Haven I realized, if I ever wanted to get better, I needed to confront the darkest parts of me.

  Fuck.

  Those first few weeks were rough. Devastating.

  So many tears. So much breaking until I couldn’t be broken anymore.

  I don’t feel whole, but at least I don’t feel broken anymore.

  The pieces of me that are still broken are that way because I feel unresolved. My heart lays on the edge of a cliff, and I don’t know whether it wants to plunge in the water or fight its way back to the top.

  Aeron.

  It’s been so long since I talked to him, and a part of me is still unsure where we stand. He might hate me and not want to speak with me ever again, but a piece of my heart still beats with him. I can’t help it.

  I’ve written him sixty letters.

  I’ve sent him thirty.

  I’ve received zero.

  I’m afraid to confront Dave about him after last time. He literally told me to forget about him. How can I forget about Aeron?

  I don’t want Dave to get mad at me or us bicker with the short amount of time we have together during visiting days. I can still tell that he’s grieving the loss of Aric. His sorrow is painted so clearly on his face. I hate everything that he’s been through. Some days I think I’m the only thing that keeps him going.

  So, I keep my mouth shut and write another letter.

  I’ve called as many times as I could with the short amount of time I have on calls each night. Aeron won’t accept my calls.

  “Hey.” Dave opens the door where I’ve been waiting for him. He comes every single week to visit. Always makes sure he’s available to talk to me during phone hour.

  Last month during Thanksgiving, Dave made it out to the house party we hosted here. A lot of families came, and it ended up being one big get together. It was great. Today, it’s December seventeenth. Or in other words, my motherfucking birthday.

  I’m eighteen today. Eighteen. It’s such a big number, and such a big semblance of where my life can take me. I don’t have to go back to Dave’s. But where would I go? And do I even want to go anywhere? Dave has been my family—my only family—for months now. I couldn’t imagine dropping him. For what? Loneliness?

  No. I couldn’t do that to Dave, either.

  I’m kind of pissed that I have to spend today locked up. Lori from 2F with her family issues throws a damn tantrum every time she doesn’t get her way. I wish I could be her sometimes. Just pout and start throwing shit and become a lunatic. If only we could all act like Lori from 2F.

  “Hi.” I pout. I’m being a stubborn and Dave immediately notices my attitude.

  “Don’t be sad. You get out in just a few days and then we’ll really celebrate. We’ll do something fun.” Taking his coat off, he drapes it over his arm and comes up to give me a hug.

  I step away from him. “Holy shit, you’re cold. What’s the temp out there?”

  “Negative six.” He pulls me away from the door and into the rec room. Most of the staff is familiar with Dave now, and they all give each other smiles and warm welcomes when they pass each other.

  I’ve always hated the winter. And I know it’s stupid of me to say that because I’ve lived in Minnesota my entire life, but living in a place that’s freezing almost half of the year is seriously depressing.

  “Ugh. I cannot wait until spring.” I groan, tucking my feet underneath me on the couch and hugging my arms around me.

  Dave chuckles. “You’ve got a while for that. So, tell me. How’s school going?”

  I roll my eyes. “It’s coming along. Might be able to graduate in the spring.”

  “Well, that’s great news!” He wraps his arm around me and gives me a squeeze.

  I’ve been doing e-learning since school started, and with my free time here, I’ve been able to get ahead in most of my classes. Going back to school online has been weird, but to be honest I don’t know if I even want to go to school when I get back home. I’ve been considering asking Dave if I can just finish out the school online, but I haven’t found the right time. Without Aric there, I think it’ll be too weird. Going to his school, around his friends, without him even here.

  Yeah, that sounds terrible.

  “So, tell me. What’s going on at home?” I can’t deny a part of me hopes he’ll say something about Aeron. I haven’t heard a word besides he’s in jail for a while. I’m curious for something.

  “Work is fine. A little slower with the holidays coming up, but that’s fine with me.”

  “How’s everything else?” I push, I pry. I know. I can’t help it.

  He narrows his eyes. “Everything’s fine, Mercy.” He doesn’t, and he won’t, say a word about Aeron. Their relationship has been severed, as far as I know.

  Dave spends the next few hours with me, eating lunch and watching a movie with the group. Once it’s over, I’m worried he’s leaving already when he slips on his coat.

  “You’re going home already?” Anxiety fills me. I always feel slightly panicked when he leaves, and I’m not sure why. Like he’s never coming back or something.

  “I think it’s the perfect time to give you your gift, don’t you?” He says, adjusting the collar on his coat and giving me a smile. “I’ll be right back. I left it in the car.”

  I let out a breath and nod. When he returns, he’s holding a small box with a bow wrapped around it. “It’s not much, but I hope you like it.”

  I grip the box, feeling the heaviness in the package and in my heart. It’s times like this that I remember I have someone there for me. At night when I’m by myself, and I still sometimes have difficulty sleeping, I feel so alone.

  Holding this package is somehow a reminder to me that I am not alone.

  “Thank you. You didn’t have to.” I shuffle the package from hand to hand, feeling out of sorts.

  “Just open the damn thing, will you?” He laughs.

  I grab the bow and pull slowly, watching as the loop releases and the soft ribbon loosens its grasp around the box. Feeling around the edges, I grab the top of the box and lift up, revealing a photo album with the word family written in a beautiful script on top.

  A lump fills my throat, and my eyes immediately fill with tears. “What is this?”

  He smiles softly. “Take a look.”

  I crack open the front, and the first thing I see are pictures of my dad and Dave when they were younger. I smile and laugh at their terrible haircuts and outfits they’re wearing from the seventies.

  “Oh my God.” I laugh, wiping the tears when I realize how nerdy they really were. Huge, thick glasses with hair combed over to the side. When I continue turning the pages, I gasp. Pictures of my mom and dad from before I was born. I’ve seen some of these, but others I’ve never seen before.

  “Where… where did you get these?” I brush my finger over my mom’s face. She was so beautiful. Her golden hair looks like silk as it sits in big waves brushing her shoulders. Even in this outdated and blurry picture that’s slightly yellowed around the corners, there’s no denying her beauty.

  “I might have stopped by that storage unit you’re renting and found some of these pictures. Your dad looks exactly the same, by the way.”

  I smile up at him, wet cheeks and all. When I keep turning the pages, I see pictures after I was born and throughout my childhood. Pictures of my parents, pictures of me with my parents. Once I get towards the back, I see my second family. My tears speed up as I see a picture of me and Aric, arms wrapped around each other as we hang out at home.

  A sob breaks free.

  Aric is so handsome, and he’s always been handsome. He would have been great one day. High school was onl
y supposed to be the beginning. I can’t even imagine the greatness that Aric would have been one day. There are also pictures of Dave in here, Dave and Aric and even one of Aric and Aeron. My eyebrow furrows at the look on Aeron’s face. It’s obviously after his mother died, because Aeron is covered in tattoos. Aeron and Aric have their arms thrown over each other’s shoulders as they look in the camera. Aric has a small smirk on his face, always the happy one.

  Aeron, on the other hand, sits with a scowl on his face. His cheek bone is clenched, showing off the sharp structure of his face. He looks untouchable, even here on a piece of paper. Both of these guys are so handsome in their own ways. Aric has a classic attractiveness in him. His personality only enhances his charm. Aeron isn’t classically handsome. His anger makes him look unattainable, like he’s not someone you should even approach.

  There’s so much more underneath this wall he keeps up.

  When I look up at Dave, he has a confused look on his face.

  “What?” I ask.

  “You. You loved them.” It’s my time to get a confused look on my face. Who is he talking about? My parents? Or his kids?

  “Of course, I loved them. They’re my parents.” I play dumb.

  He shakes his head. “That’s not who I’m talking about. Aric. Aeron. You loved them.”

  I bluster. “I-I loved Aric. So much. You know that.”

  He sighs. “I know you loved Aric. Aric was someone you couldn’t help but love.” His eyes water, and he wipes his tears. “It’s Aeron I’m confused about. Whenever I’ve seen him around you, he hasn’t even been kind to you. What is it about him, Mercy?”

  What is it about him, Mercy?

  I think about it. Really think about it. What is it about Aeron? Dave’s right, there has been so many times that Aeron has been nothing but rude to me. We’ve spent more than half our time arguing with each other more instead of just finding time to get to know one another. What is it about him?

  “Dave, your son might have flaws, but he’s not the horrible person everyone makes him out to be. He’s so much more than that.”

  “You don’t know him like I do, Mercy.” He shakes his head.

  “No, I do. And trust me, he’s not perfect. He has issues, but I guess I can say I do, too. It’s not like I’m trying to paint him as a wonderful person. I’m not. You’re asking what it is about him. It’s him, Dave. Aeron is a magnificent person all on his own.”

  He cocks his head to the side. “Do you love him?”

  My mouth goes dry and I try to swallow through the dryness. “To be honest? Yes. I do love him. Am I going to do anything about it? No. I tried to get him to talk to me for the last eighty-three days. We’re…. done. We’re through.” My chest seizes and I rub over the ache.

  Dave gets a sad look on his face. “Come here.” He opens his arms, and I willingly go in them, loving when he wraps me up in his comforting hug. “We’ll be all right. Promise you, kid.”

  I nod against his chest. “Thank you for the gift. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.”

  He pats my back. “Anytime, Mercy. Anytime.”

  27

  Mercy

  “You ready for tomorrow?” Dave asks over the phone, his voice holds a lilt of excitement when my own body shakes with nerves.

  “Yep. Already packed.” I twirl the old school telephone cord around my finger. I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight. Today was my last day. I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m fucking going home and a part of me can’t wait. The other part of me is nervous. I feel strong, stronger than I’ve felt since my parents died. But I’m worried the temptations of the real world will make me spiral back into the place I left behind. I don’t want that for myself. I haven’t spoken to Dave or anyone about this. I’m trying to remain optimistic, but I can’t help my nerves.

  My silent battle hasn’t been on my mind today, though. The only thing that’s been on my mind is Aeron. I need to go and see Aeron.

  No, not because I want to beg him for his heart.

  I sat down today and I had a talk with my therapist. A big talk, and I decided what I’m going to do. I want to ask for my heart back. I’m ready to close this book. I’m so, so, ready.

  After waiting around for a phone call, for a letter, for anything, I’ve finally realized—he doesn’t love me.

  Someone that loved me would never have done what they did. At The Pit and after. He seriously hasn’t reached out to me, hasn’t even spoken to me in ninety days. After how we were together? After the connection I supposedly thought we had and what we’ve been through? I thought it was more than this.

  But he played me.

  And now, I’m done. I’m moving on.

  I’m not looking back.

  “I’ll be there in the morning.” I can hear the excitement in his voice. It puts an even bigger one on mine. I think he’s been lonely in his big, empty house by himself. I think he’s ready for some company.

  “See you in the morning.” I hang up the phone and press my hand against my stomach to quench the nerves.

  Shit. I hope I can do this.

  ~

  “Oh my God. It’s cold out here!” I jump into Dave’s Lexus. He left it running while he came inside to grab my bags. After giving a hug to all the staff and other group members—including crazy Lori—I pretty much sprinted to the truck. What I wasn’t counting on was the bitter cold air to slap me in the face right when I stepped outside.

  “I told you. This is the coldest winter we’ve had. Ever.” Dave his door shut and takes off driving.

  I’ve been thinking of how I want to broach two important topics with Dave. I’ve been putting them off for the past couple weeks, but it’s time.

  “Dave, there’s something that I need to talk to you about.” I slip my hands underneath my legs to warm them up. And to stop from the shaking.

  “What is it?” His smile is infectious. Ever oblivious, I’m sure he’s just happy that I’m out of The Haven. It feels like I’m in a dream. I became adjusted to life inside, now being out it’s like I have to learn how to live normally again. Ninety days might be fast in normal life, but treatment centers make ninety days feel like ninety years.

  “Well, how would you feel if I didn’t go back to school?”

  He looks at me with a frown. “What do you mean? You’re doing so well.”

  “I know, and that’s what I mean. I don’t want to go back to school. I’d rather finish out this year online, if you don’t mind.” I wince.

  “You don’t want to go finish school with your friends? Get back in the real world?”

  That’s precisely the reason I don’t want to go back to school. They aren’t my friends. They’re Aric’s. Going back would just feel weird and awkward and I don’t want people to look at me different. It’s nearly halfway into the year. I’d rather just go online.

  “I just… I feel like I’m doing well, and I don’t want anything to disrupt that. I’m worried that going back to school—Aric’s school—will throw everything off. Please? Will you at least think about it?” I plead.

  Dave sighs. “Yes. I will think about it.”

  I let out a breath, glad I’ve gotten one issue out of the way. Now, the other. The bigger one.

  “There was another thing I wanted to ask.”

  “I’m not surprised.” Dave chuckles.

  “I need to go see Aeron.”

  Dave looks at me with a frown, and the car slips on a patch of ice. We end up fishtailing before centering back out, and I slam my hands on the dash and let out a yelp.

  “Be careful!” I look over at him to see him looking at me in disappointment.

  “Mercy, we can’t go through this already. Can we please at least make it one day without bringing Aeron into our lives?” He pleads with me.

  “It’s not what you think—”

  “What is it then?” He lashes out, and I rear back. I didn’t imagine he’d get this angry.

  “I don’t want to go see Aeron b
ecause I want to be with him or that where I want my life to go. I was talking with my therapist yesterday, and I’m ready to close that chapter in my life. I need to say goodbye to him so I can start my new life.”

  “Mercy, I’m sorry. I just can’t lose you, too. You know that, right? It’s not about Aeron. Well, it is, kind of. But mostly, I just need you to know that you mean so much to me. I just want you to be happy and healthy.”

  I nod at him, and he sighs.

  “I’ll take you to Aeron. I’m coming in with you, though.” He says after a moment of silence.

  “No, please. I want to do this alone.”

  He frowns but shakes his head in acceptance. Centering out his car, he starts the drive to Worthington County Jail. It’s closer to the Twin Cities, so a bit of a drive. That’s okay with me, though. I’ve been locked up for so long that looking at the world feels like a breath of fresh air.

  I think Dave realizes that, too, because he doesn’t say much. I think that both of us just want to reflect on our new way of life. Dave went to having two sons to having one “daughter”. I’m going from being an only child, to living with three guys, to being an “only child” again. Life is going to be different now. I’m just glad I still have Dave.

  When we pull up to the jail, Dave pulls up right to the door and shifts into park. I give him a smile and get ready to hop out, too nervous for words. I’m finally going to be seeing Aeron again.

  After all this time, I get to see him.

  Finally.

  I walk in through the solid steel door and walk up to the counter. A woman stands behind it and looks unhappy to be even breathing in the jail air.

  “Hi. I’m here for visiting hours. Aeron Reid?” I take my ID out of my purse and slide it towards her.

  She takes it without looking at me and passes me a form and pen. “Fill this out and bring it back when you’re done.”

  I give her a smile even though she isn’t looking at me and walk over to the plastic chairs. Other people are sitting and filling out the same forms. All with the vacant look on their faces.