by Robin Roseau
“That sounds like the start of a long conversation.”
“If and when I have children, I want you to be an important part of their lives.”
“And?”
“You don’t exactly like to hug.”
She froze, staring at me, then she nodded. “Maybe that’s something I could get better at. I’m just…”
“Physically reserved?”
“Yeah. I might be a little set in my ways.”
“Are you saying if I started hugging you, it’s okay?”
“It’s always been okay, Selena. You should know that.”
“Frankly, no, I don’t know that.”
“Well, you should know it, whether you do or not.”
“Well then.” I walked up to her and opened my arms. She looked at me for a moment, but then she stepped forward, and for the first time in my memory, we held each other. Oh, it probably wasn’t our first hug, but it was the first I remember.
“Go on now,” she said finally.
“Mary, too.”
“I’m not going up to ask for a hug.”
“No, but I’m going to ask her to help me teach you.”
Mom laughed. “All right.”
“Okay, then.”
* * * *
“Nice chat?” Mary asked.
“Were you testing the sturdiness of the bed?”
“Of course not. It’s late.”
“You were wiggling the frame when I got here.”
“I was not!”
“What do you want to call it?”
She stared. “Fine. I was wriggling the frame.”
I smiled at her. “I have plans for you, but I’m so tired.”
“Yeah, me too.” But then she stepped to her suitcase and tossed a coil of rope at me. I laughed. “I’m just teasing, but you may watch me finish undressing.”
I did just that, and then she returned the favor.
We crawled under the covers, the lights out, and cuddled together. “What did Elsa want.”
“To tell me you’ve got your hooks in me, and you’re not pulling them out.”
“Smart woman,” Mary replied.
“I need your help with something.”
“What’s that?”
“Help teach her to accept hugs.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. We talked about it. If I ever give her grandkids, I don’t want her freaking if they hug her.”
“Oh,” she said. “Sure. I’m a little hugging machine.”
“That’s right,” I agreed. “Did I offend you?”
“No, Selena. I’d love to help. Did she really tell you I had my hooks in you?”
“She really did. She also said she likes you, and she’s glad you’ve hooked me.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“And how do you feel about it?”
“Pretty good, actually.”
“All right then. So, tomorrow I’ll get to see your high school.”
“Yeah, no.”
“We’ll see,” she said.
* * * *
Yes, I showed her the damned high school.
* * * *
“So,” I said to Mom. Mary was upstairs, lying on the bed, reading, giving Mom and me a few minutes.
“So,” Mom agreed.
“You love it here.”
“I wouldn’t say that. I would say I like it, but I miss my daughters.”
“You’d miss Aunt Barb.”
“Yes, I would. Honey, if you told me you were never having kids, maybe I wouldn’t be considering this. Your sister has flat out told me she doesn’t intend to try to have kids while she’s still in the navy. She’s also said she’s not thrilled at moving back to Duluth, but she might consider somewhere else, especially if she could be in the same city with both her sister and mother.”
“When did you guys talk about this?”
“Last year.”
“Wait. I thought you had the idea to move when we talked.”
“Honey, I have always known that I wouldn’t be an absentee grandmother, at least not to both of you. The first one to have kids wins.”
I laughed. “It’s not a race.”
“It sure is, so you better get serious before your sister announces she’s retiring from the navy. Do you have a basic plan?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I told you about that weekend.”
“Yes.”
“Well, I did something similar last weekend. I didn’t know that’s what it was going to be, but it was with the same woman.”
“I’m confused.”
“I called some friends and told them I needed a distraction. They arranged one. It turned out they made me 15 again.”
Mom laughed. “You hated being 15.”
“The point is this: she’s now wondering if she’s made a bunch of mistakes, and I think Tara is, too. I’m not sure either of them would change anything.”
“There’s always a bit of green grass on the other side of the fence.”
“Yeah. I’ve never been goo-goo over babies. I don’t know.”
We sat quietly for a minute, then Mom said, “I need to speak carefully. I want grandbabies. But it’s unfair for me to project that onto you, and that shouldn’t come into consideration. So I’m trying to be sure I’m not simply speaking from my own desires.”
“Here’s what I know. I don’t want to be a single mom. I know I’m not remotely interested in giving a kid a father, but I could handle two moms. I also know I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom, and I find it unlikely the people I find most attractive feel differently.”
“Is it simple coincidence one possible woman is just above our heads?”
“I don’t know. But let’s set that aside. I know two more things. If I have kids, I want you to be an active part of their lives. And I’m not moving back to Duluth.”
“Well then,” she said. “So far, I don’t see any problems.”
“Mom.”
“I mean it, Selena. If you told me you were pregnant, I’d already have packed and put the house on the market. Would I be welcome?”
“Of course, you’d be welcome.”
“I’d have to live with you until I found a place.”
“I want to ask you something. Hypothetically speaking.”
“Hypothetically speaking. Right.”
“Hypothetically speaking, the woman upstairs owns a house. I also own a house. Do you think that offers opportunity?”
“You’re suggesting I buy your house, or Mary’s?”
“I’m suggesting maybe we would live in one house, and you would live in the other, until you have your own place.”
“Hypothetically speaking,” Mom said. “That would work.”
“You wouldn’t be offended?”
“No, Honey.”
I brushed tears away, and then I moved closer and laid my head in Mom’s lap. She stroked my hair. Finally, I whispered, “What do you think we should do?”
“I think you should feel confident that I will be there to help,” she said. “If you become a single Mom, maybe we share a house; maybe we don’t. But either way, I’ll be there to help.”
“Parenting has changed.”
“You and your sister turned out just fine.”
“They don’t spank anymore.”
“I have never spanked either of you!” she said, a little outraged. She grew more outraged when I began giggling. “You’re a brat. This isn’t my influence.”
“Probably Aunt Barb’s,” I suggested.
“Probably. Hers are ruffians.”
“I remember. I’m not pregnant, and I’m not going to talk to Mary about this. Two dates. It’s way, way too early to talk about this.”
“I think you should ask her how she feels about children.”
“I think you should.”
She laughed. “You know I consider that permission to talk to her about anything I want.”
“Like you need my permission,” I mutter
ed. “I sat right here, telling you to stop talking, and you both just laughed at me.”
“That’s true, but I didn’t tell her anything terrible, and I have yet to show her a single baby photo.”
“Keep it that way.”
“I just might.”
“Who is the brat?”
* * * *
The rest of the trip was less… intense. The rope, and my scarves, saw some action. Mary seemed quite pleased, but she was very, very quiet, which amused me.
We gave her a tour of the North Shore of Lake Superior: Gooseberry Falls, Split Rock Lighthouse, and Lutsen Ski Area. It was summer, but the alpine slide was open. Even Mom did the slide, two trips for each of us.
Mom and Mary were thick as thieves the entire time, which I thought was nice, and a few times I caught myself just watching them interact.
And Mom went out of her way to catch hugs, which was quite unlike her, but I heard her sigh a couple of times, so I decided that was good.
Wednesday morning came, and so it was time for us to leave. I drove us, and then at the airport, Mom took a long hug from Mary before turning to me. She hugged me and kissed my cheek. “She’s a keeper, Honey.”
“She might be,” I agreed.
“I’m not going to rush you, but I’m going to start cleaning the house out. If I told you I had put it on the market, would that bother you?”
I pushed away and looked at her. The reality of our discussions was coming home to me. It was, after all, the house I’d grown up in. “Ah,” Mom said. “You just realized something.”
“Yeah. Can you sell Grandma and Grandpa’s house, Mom?”
“In a heartbeat,” she said. “Yeah, it has memories, but I’d rather make new memories with my daughters and their future children. This was a good week, but how often do I see you?”
“I know.”
“You have a busy life, and I can’t expect you to spend all your time off coming to see me. Am I welcome, Honey?”
“You’re welcome, Mom.”
“I’m going to start going through things. If I ship things to you, will you keep them for us?”
“Of course, Mom.”
“It might be your sister’s stuff.”
“There’s plenty of room, although you’re not talking too much furniture, are you?”
“No, Honey.” She caressed my cheek. “I love you. You know that. I don’t say it very often, but I do.”
“I love you, too,” I replied. “Thanks, Mom.”
“You’re welcome. You better get going now. Let me know you got in okay so I don’t worry.”
“I’ll ping you from MSP and then when we land.”
“Thank you, Honey.” We hugged once more, and then Mary stepped to my side as Mom drove away.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Yeah.” I looked over at her. “Never better.”
“Come on. I don’t want them to sell all the seats.”
I laughed.
* * * *
It was during the final flight, shortly after leaving MSP, that I said, “Mary, I want to ask you something without it being a big deal.”
“Okay,” she said.
“Have you ever thought about children?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“Feeling nesty?”
“Yeah, a little.”
“Good. It’s too soon to say more than that.”
“Yeah,” I agreed.
* * * *
Thursday morning, I sat down in Tara’s office. “Have a nice time with your mother?”
“Yes. Will you give Mary my trigger phrase?”
She paused for a moment then said, “Yes, if you want.”
“Are you upset?”
“No.”
“I don’t think she’ll use it, but if she does, I think that would be fun. I want her to know I trust her with it, even if she doesn’t want to use it.”
“That’s between the two of you. I’ll make sure she understands how to use it.”
“Thank you. How are you doing?”
“I’m good.”
“Okay. Unless you have something for me…”
“Naw. Another time.”
“Right.”
Plans
We made a small dinner party out of it: Evie, Joy, Mary, Gail, Nan, Tara, and Anne, the woman who had been Aurora’s 10-year-old.
And Pandora.
I cooked, but I kept it simple, and it was after dinner that I told people why we were getting together. They all sort of knew already, but I explained it again, and then Evie and Joy talked more at length.
“When would we do this?” Pandora asked.
“If we’re doing it at Altered Events,” Evie said, “then it depends on which venue you want. The soonest weekend opening for a small group, up to about 20, is in four weeks. If we want a bigger event, we can do that in six or eight, depending on location.”
“Are you asking for a commitment, Selena?” Pandora asked.
“We’re trying to decide if we’re going to proceed, and who is going to work to organize it,” I replied. “I would like us to do it. Can we get a tentative show of interest?”
I lifted my hand. Several other hands went up, then Nan asked, “Is this a promise?”
“Just a strong show of interest,” I said. She slowly lifted her hand. Then Pandora lifted hers, and that was everyone.
“Assuming it stays under one grand,” I said, “How price conscious are we?”
“I’m not at all,” Tara said. “Although a grand seems high.”
“My limit is 500,” Pandora said. “And while I’m not price conscious, not exactly, the biggest reason I’m here is because of who is sitting in this room far more than the specific event.”
“Pandora,” I replied, “If you would rather be invited a different time.”
“No,” she said. “But I won’t commit until I have a much more intimate event with someone, something you and I talked about.”
“Right. Got someone in mind?”
“No, but Evie and Joy should be able to help me.”
“All right.”
We went around in circles for a few minutes before Mary said, “I want us to do it. I want it at Altered Events so Evie and Joy can help to plan and run it. I want to be involved in picking the theme, but after that, I don’t know if I want to be more involved than that. I will help underwrite it if we have to give a down payment.”
“I agree with Mary, but only if Evie and Joy have the primary authority.” I turned to them. “Assuming you want that authority?”
“We’d love it,” Joy said. “And can make an event I think everyone would enjoy. But it’s almost a given that many of you will find yourself deeply altered.”
“More than I am already?”
She smiled. “More than you are at this moment, yes, but it’s temporary.”
“Am I going to start having the hots for more women than I already do?” Gail asked.
“It could happen,” Evie said. “But I will point out no one received any sort of permanent alterations because of anything we arranged.”
“Maybe not, but now we’re discussing the same venue from which I walked away with the hots for someone who shall remain nameless.”
“Was that a complaint, Gail?” I asked. “Because I’m sure Evie can recommend someone to fix you.”
“No, it wasn’t a complaint, Selena,” Gail said. She gestured. “But this is beyond weird.” She gestured again. “God, Selena, you’re sleeping with all of us.” She got up. “You know what, I think maybe I’ll take your suggestion.”
And then we watched her walk out of my house. I couldn’t move, but simply stared after her until Mary nudged me and said, “Go after her.” I turned to her, and she nodded. “Go after her.”
I ran.
* * * *
Gail was sitting in her car. I ran in front of it before she could drive away. We stared at each other, and then she nodded. She shifted, and I heard the
doors unlock. Then she gestured to the passenger door. I watched carefully before moving around and sliding into her car. We turned to each other. “Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” she whispered.
“God, Gail,” I said. “You’re right. Well, not literally. I’m not sleeping with Anne and Pandora, but… God, what am I doing?”
“Were you ever like this before?”
“No.”
“Altered Events really did a number on you.”
“I was already gay.”
“And I’ve admired you the entire time I’ve known you,” she replied. “I don’t think they put anything into me that wasn’t already there. I think they only exposed it.”
“And they exposed my inner desire to be some sort of… Am I being a slut, Gail?”
“No, and I don’t like those kinds of words. You’re not being a slut. I think you’re helping other people figure their shit out.”
“Am I hurting you?”
She didn’t answer. Instead, she turned and stared out the windshield for a while. “I don’t understand what I’m doing here. I don’t understand why they did this to me. I don’t know if I’m supposed to go see someone about it, or maybe I’m supposed to fall in love with you.” She turned. “I’m confused, but none of it’s your fault. I don’t want to do this event. I think it turns into some sort of sex fest, and you’re the only woman I want to be with. I don’t want any other women touching me, not that way, and I don’t want to touch them, either.”
“Did you just ask for a change in our relationship?”
“No. I told you I’ll do other events with you, and unless things change for you, or I let some guy keep me, I want to keep seeing you. But I don’t want to do this particular event.”
I nodded. “All right.”
“I’m going to go. I’m fine. Thank you for coming after me.”
“You should know I was frozen. I didn’t know what to do. Mary told me to come.”
“Mary’s a good person.” She leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Give her that for me.”
“I will.”
“I want a date. Can I call you?”
“Always, Gail.”
“This isn’t forever, this thing between us. I’m going to figure out what the fuck I’m doing. But I’m not ready yet. God, Selena. I love what we do together, and it’s not because of your trigger, but that’s pretty damned hot, too. But I’ve thought about doing it with other women, and it just doesn’t turn me on. But just sitting here, looking at you. God.”